Post by tnr9 on Nov 4, 2020 3:44:02 GMT
So things have been a bit anxious making recently....I have invited my mom, step dad and brother over on Saturday night before we go out to celebrate my birthday. I haven’t had them over in probably a decade....in part because i have dreaded the perceived judgement from my mom. She and I are very different and what matters to me is very different from what matters to her.....still, I see this as a step in the right direction. What has resulted however is that I am finding myself missing B more...not as a phantom ex...but as someone who did not judge whether my place was messy or clean or what I chose to spend my money on. It is hard to put into words how much that meant, regardless of whether it was a result of him spacing out, getting drunk/high or...as I prefer to think of it....a result of him recognizing that it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I never felt concerned that he would walk into my place and make some snide comment or suggestion and that was so refreshing. So it makes sense that I miss that quality of his. The thing I do recognize however, is that he was judgmental towards me in other ways...we definitely had the avoidant/anxious dance which meant we were not a good fit. Otherwise, life is going well...my therapy sessions have turned into more exploration sessions of my feelings and options of handling situations with more self kindness.