I have tried so hard to hate her

Hi there....so just a suggestion....I too was very stuck for a long period of time thinking that B’s “wife” is getting the committed, loving, attentive, protective husband I always wanted...and I too was stuck in the comparison trap of why her.  What my therapist pointed out was that i wasn’t missing “B” per say (although I do still love him and want the very best for him) but that I was missing some of the attributes that B possessed...and if I could simply focus on those attributes as attributes I want in my future partner, i would be able to let go of B.  And it has worked....I know I want someone who is a good hugger, someone who I can just chill with and not feel judged, someone with a good heart and great compassion and someone who will protect me when I feel threatened etc.  I also know that there is a wide world out there with lots of potential partners....and for the first time in years, I am excited to meet new men (once this pandemic is over).

As far as the...life is super perfect for them and he is getting everything I wanted....you really don’t know what their relationship is like....people can appear so very happy from the outside.  What do you think he is getting that you did not?  Be really specific...write it all down....and keep that list for your next partner.  

Hey maxymax ....I am just a tad farther along then you are so I do understand where you are coming from....I really do. I don’t know where you got the idea that in order to get over someone you had to hate that person....anger is a stage of grief, but isn’t the whole enchilada. It is perfectly ok for you to miss her....and it is perfectly ok for you to have moments when you think about her. Part of what I have struggled with...and perhaps you do too...is trying to give myself absolutes. Usually those absolutes come from good intentions of others....such as friends who will say things like...”you are better off without him”, “he was a jerk” “he did not deserve you”...all of which felt like lies because I saw some really great things about B that I did not want to just toss out. I did not want to make him into a monster because he truly wasn’t one....and I never believed either one of us deserved better then the other one. . The other absolutes were...”isn’t it time to move on”, “stop talking about him”, “there is no point in missing him since he is with someone else”. That also did not feel true as I did still miss B and I wanted to move through things on my own timeline. Part of becoming secure is having your own back....being there for the part of you that wishes for a different outcome. That is the only thing I wish you would change...your self narrative when you talk about her or this new guy is so negative. She did not chose you...that is a true statement.....just as B did not chose me....but it doesn’t have to say anything about who you are. Just as you not choosing those other girls doesn’t say anything about who they are.

When B broke up with me...I felt the same way you do....I felt cheated out of having a say in whether the relationship ended or not. B also did not talk to me ahead of time...and that I see now was a very cowardly, immature thing. Much later he told me he had been praying and fasting for 2 weeks because he felt that God was nudging him that if this wasn’t a forever relationship, that he needed to man up and end it. Imagine how I felt when he told me that....here he had been thinking about breaking up with me 2 weeks before he said anything. That just made all my abandonment fears go into high gear.....why was I not good enough for him to have a discussion? Why did I not have any say? But here is the thing....and I want you to consider this....his inability to speak with me ahead of times says volumes about his own attachment wounds. My stepfather said that if B was supposed to man up....he failed. For all of B’s great traits...his inability to talk to me about something that impacted both of us, showed me that he had some very selfish, fear based traits as well. That is a trait that I really don’t want in my next partner.

B used to say I was the most accepting and understanding partner he had ever been with....and I really wrestled with how he could say those things and still chose someone else. What I realize now is that he did mean what he sad...he did love me, he was grateful....but he also did not see a future with me. At one point he did...we talked about buying a house, we talked about kids, we talked about our shared faith....but while I never wavered on my selection of him as a partner...he did. I used to go round in circles on that...what the heck did this new girl have that I did not....why was he able to commit to her in a way he never did with me. All good and valid questions....but unfortunately I don’t have answers...I used to make up stories all the time...how she was “better” then me. It was sooooo painful. What has stopped that is when my therapist said....you will never know, but do you want to spend the rest of your life focusing on something that has no answers? And I would ask you the same question....do you want to spend your time gyrating on questions that have no answer. As to the whole “things must be better because she is different with him”.....you are certainly allowed to also gyrate on stories based on this assumption...but the reality is...you don’t know. You aren’t there if they fight, you aren’t there if they get frustrated at one another....you simply don’t know what you don’t know.  There is a saying I read that what we put our thoughts towards expands.....so I am choosing to put my thoughts back on me...back on what brings me joy....back on supporting myself when times get rough...back to learning...back to friends.  I don’t really think about B as much..I still have my moments....but I find they pass over much quicker.  And I don’t wonder what she has any more....I wonder what is store for me. 🙂

I don’t think I need to hate her to get over her but I think somebody with more self respect/self esteem/confidence would hate her for the things she did. It’s like I know they happened but my mind/body just disregard them, forgive her, rationalize it all, and I definitely think “Why didn’t she feel enough for me to not do these things” and in my head she seems so much more in love with this guy she would never even think about doing some of the things she did. And on the other hand I’m not sure I can even hold some of the things against her since we weren’t 100% exclusive or it was between relationships or it was right after our last time dating. I guess either way they would be consider inconsiderate. I remember a conversation we had on the phone after she admitted to sleeping with this guy behind my back I said to her I would never do anything to hurt you at all. And that even still stands, I would never do something I know would hurt her even though we’re not together and I know 99% we’re never going to be together again. Part of that is because I still care about her the other part is because of the social connections we have being so close. But she didn’t care or consider me when doing the things she did. So logically I think that makes her selfish/inconsiderate/a bad person. But I also think the same question as before, why didn’t she feel enough to not do those things especially when she was saying and doing things I would have thought only a person really in love would do and say.





This is sort of a loaded thing to respond to. I think a big part of me still really blames myself for ruining the relationship. Not in a I was a big asshole way. In the way that I was too in love with her, tried too hard, made myself too easy/available, expressed too many emotions. I know logically those don’t seem like things that should be negative but we all know how males and females interact within relationships is not logical and it’s very emotional. People respond negatively to those types of things. On the other hand she was responding soo positively to pretty much everything I was doing I didn’t think twice about it. In my mind it was I do this I get great response, nothing is wrong, keep doing what I’m doing. So I blame myself for not staying cool, having some more control over my emotions, maybe picking some silly arguments and ruining what we had.

I think seeing her now having maintained a year long relationship in which they lived together months at a time and breaking her pattern for 3 month flings and blindside dumping reaffirms that I ruined it. Since she didn’t repeat her pattern, it wasn’t her, it was me. And I understand the idea of the long distance thing making it easy and that would make sense if they see each other 1 week every month but they’ve lived together for months at a time. I guess maybe that month or 2 of separation between gives that new relationship thrill/rush each time which a few people said she’s looking for but still...  



I was told similar things.  Immature.  Selfish. Not a communicator.  Emotionally unavailable. To me, she didn't communicate because she just didn't feel enough to want to or try to.  If she felt as in love with me as I thought she was, as I was with her, she would have forced herself to do something about it no matter how hard it was.  To me, she's fully capable of communicating, but again, decided to not even try with me.  Decided that the things bothering her weren't things a conversation could fix.  She said she didn't have the conversations because she didn't want to change who I am as a person instead of viewing it as partners expressing they're needs/wants/issues.  And yet again, this relationship she's now had for a year is further proof she's capable of communicating.  Nobody has a relationship last a year in which there aren't arguments and difficult conversations.

My ex used to tell me how being around me/with me was the happiest she had been in such a long time, that I was so special to her, that she always felt like a weirdo but with me felt so comfortable and could truly be herself with me.  Just like you, I wrestle with how could she say all of that and more and discard me out of nowhere, so easily.  

I'll never understand how somebody can waver like that completely internally.  I think that has what's made her so difficult to get over.  One minute it was texts in the middle of the night telling me how much she loves me, a moment on vacation saying how long she waited for that moment, and the next it's just over.  Going from the highest highs immediately to the lowest low.



Maybe there isn't a difference here but even the first time we dated I felt an extremely strong connection with her.  At that point, there was no longing because I hadn't lost her yet.  Not sure if that matters at all...  Maybe there was that immediate connection (which she also admitted to feeling) simply because our nervous systems were setting each other off and that's what you're referring to?

I actually disagree with this. I don't think someone more secure would hate her. They'd process it, which I'd expect to be depersonalize it, recognize that she has a lot of problems, maybe feel sorry for her, let it go, and move on with their lives. That's not to criticize you for being stuck. That's to point out that you seem to have very binary approaches. This is how women and men should act. This is how someone in this situation should feel. This is how someone in her situation should feel. But, you're assuming she should act like you believe women should and also that, outside of the gender behavior you assign, that she should think the way you do, too (someone in love should experience, and act and feel, the same way you experience love). So it's either people acting like they should or like they shouldn't, and if they're acting in a way that you deem they shouldn't then you blame yourself. But that's not the way things actually work, that's a construct you've created for yourself to try to keep control in your life. You will keep getting stuck and disappointed whenever someone else deviates from your worldview, which probably protected you as a kid but doesn't translate as well into the adult world and now is causing you a lot of pain.

What you've said about dynamics, women don't want men who are available, implying men should play a little hard to get always, etc. This is simply not true. Not of secure women, at least. I'm super attracted to my boyfriend because he's consistent and available and open. No one wants a doormat because that person doesn't have their own identity or good boundaries and is bending themselves to fit into a relationship. But that sacrificing of identity isn't the same as being emotionally available and consistently present.

And another "should" I'm going to challenge is someone in a year long relationship should have already had fights and conflict resolution. Well, that's also not true. When I was AP dating an FA for a year, we never fought. Turned out, we were never communicating, and he woke up and blindside dumped me one day. I knew there were problems but he refused to talk about them which made me too scared to bring them up or he'd leave. So, we never fought, which led to us eventually imploding. A healthy relationship should see disagreements, yes. That doesn't mean a year-long relationship automatically qualifies as being healthy.

I'm not saying this to make you defensive or with any judgement, you don't need to explain yourself. I'm suggesting you see there's different opinions and philosophies and styles of thinking and it may help you unstick to explore letting go of "should."



Yes, this absolutely happens, too. When it's the anxious/avoidant pairing spark, that initial attraction spark and new relationship energy allows the avoidant to override their nervous system shutdown. You both feel connection. But inevitably, once hormones diminish a bit, the anxious person will start feeling longing as the avoidant pulls away. And that spark in the first place is often both your attachment systems being activated in a subconscious but familiar way based on your pasts and how those fit together more than anything else, since you don't know each other yet at the very beginning.