Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2020 23:05:42 GMT
Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum, like most people I am sure, I stumbled on to this when my bf of 2 years decided to call time on our relationship.
I am married, but separated for 2 years, waiting on a divorce to come through and met my ex bf at work. He was the purser and although still married, but going through the final throes of the marriage before I ended it (very toxic/ Co dependancy issues brought on by personality types)my ex bf kept chasing dispite me trying to put him off and tbh I leaned on him for emotional support. Love addict at it's worst! I hadn't understood what personality traits and attachment theory meant until I went to counselling. I found out I was codependant on being a care giver and a AP personality type.
My ex bf now, identifies as FA and because I was dealing with the aftermath of leaving my ex husband, the first year was more like a casual thing. We both didn't want much, other than company and that was fine till a year later. I decided to ask outright where was this relationship going and put it in to black and white terms that if our paths didn't meet in same direction then to go our separate ways. This is where my ex bf took it to another level. He said about wanting to get married and have a family. The family I was keen on because being in my late 30s, kids never became an option so this was, for me an other chance to meet someone who wanted what I wanted. Just to be clear it was him who brought it up as I would avoid talking about it over fear of being rejected or disappointed when the guy changes his mind and I've had my hopes dashed. This turned out to be a future self fulfilling prophecy.
After asking him several times if he was sure about it, he made it clear that the following year we would commit to each other, move in and start trying for a family. I clearly missed the red flags on this.
Then lockdown came and he became this other person. Closed off and essentially put the relationship on ice without my knowledge (we live in separate houses) he withdrew and stopped communicating with me for most of lockdown.
I was fully aware of him needing space and clear boundaries and would say to him if he needed to time out to do so. Just please let me know so I wouldn't trigger my anxiety and start imagining he was going to leave me (funny when you look at it)
So it was heart breaking to find out that after giving him the respect, boundaries and space, that he would call time on the relationship without actually telling me. Trigger central...
After two weeks we got back together and we spoke it out about being more open with each other and to talk without judgement. That his feelings were validated and he was being listened to.
Roll on to 6 months later. He with draws again after we talk about children and by now my anxiety is getting worse as I'm 39,my clock is ticking away fast and I only have a few years left if I wanted kids. The hospitals had stopped appointments and I was concerned that being an older mum if I got pregnant, comes with a lot of problems and I'd be putting my life in potential danger to have kids. I realised now that this has made him retreat to this safe space as he decided to inform me that the chat we had about kids, marriage etc was something he now doesn't want (I was devastated at this) and then yesterday he broke it off saying he couldn't be in a long term relationship.. Double whammy. To top it off we work together in the same department and I have to face him every day. He acts like I don't exist.After reading all the comments about FA it makes sense. I'm heart broken that they can say these things to people and yet can't be honest how they really feel or take responsibility for their actions as they are scared of the reaction that they imagine will happen. I now know that we will never get back together and this makes me just so sad. Sad that I was lied to for months and sad that I've now caused his withdrawal because of my anxiety of disappointing him if I couldn't have children for being too old. Sorry it was so long.
I am married, but separated for 2 years, waiting on a divorce to come through and met my ex bf at work. He was the purser and although still married, but going through the final throes of the marriage before I ended it (very toxic/ Co dependancy issues brought on by personality types)my ex bf kept chasing dispite me trying to put him off and tbh I leaned on him for emotional support. Love addict at it's worst! I hadn't understood what personality traits and attachment theory meant until I went to counselling. I found out I was codependant on being a care giver and a AP personality type.
My ex bf now, identifies as FA and because I was dealing with the aftermath of leaving my ex husband, the first year was more like a casual thing. We both didn't want much, other than company and that was fine till a year later. I decided to ask outright where was this relationship going and put it in to black and white terms that if our paths didn't meet in same direction then to go our separate ways. This is where my ex bf took it to another level. He said about wanting to get married and have a family. The family I was keen on because being in my late 30s, kids never became an option so this was, for me an other chance to meet someone who wanted what I wanted. Just to be clear it was him who brought it up as I would avoid talking about it over fear of being rejected or disappointed when the guy changes his mind and I've had my hopes dashed. This turned out to be a future self fulfilling prophecy.
After asking him several times if he was sure about it, he made it clear that the following year we would commit to each other, move in and start trying for a family. I clearly missed the red flags on this.
Then lockdown came and he became this other person. Closed off and essentially put the relationship on ice without my knowledge (we live in separate houses) he withdrew and stopped communicating with me for most of lockdown.
I was fully aware of him needing space and clear boundaries and would say to him if he needed to time out to do so. Just please let me know so I wouldn't trigger my anxiety and start imagining he was going to leave me (funny when you look at it)
So it was heart breaking to find out that after giving him the respect, boundaries and space, that he would call time on the relationship without actually telling me. Trigger central...
After two weeks we got back together and we spoke it out about being more open with each other and to talk without judgement. That his feelings were validated and he was being listened to.
Roll on to 6 months later. He with draws again after we talk about children and by now my anxiety is getting worse as I'm 39,my clock is ticking away fast and I only have a few years left if I wanted kids. The hospitals had stopped appointments and I was concerned that being an older mum if I got pregnant, comes with a lot of problems and I'd be putting my life in potential danger to have kids. I realised now that this has made him retreat to this safe space as he decided to inform me that the chat we had about kids, marriage etc was something he now doesn't want (I was devastated at this) and then yesterday he broke it off saying he couldn't be in a long term relationship.. Double whammy. To top it off we work together in the same department and I have to face him every day. He acts like I don't exist.After reading all the comments about FA it makes sense. I'm heart broken that they can say these things to people and yet can't be honest how they really feel or take responsibility for their actions as they are scared of the reaction that they imagine will happen. I now know that we will never get back together and this makes me just so sad. Sad that I was lied to for months and sad that I've now caused his withdrawal because of my anxiety of disappointing him if I couldn't have children for being too old. Sorry it was so long.