Post by jixx on Dec 4, 2020 13:19:54 GMT
Hi everyone
I first joined this forum two and a half years ago after my relationship ended with a DA and I was seeking advice on how to move on and if he would come back.
Since then, he did come back, and tried to get back together with me on and off for a year. I also moved on... unfortunately for me, it seems with another DA which has subsequently ended in another break up. Do we ever learn?!
Anyway, I’m writing as this forum helped me last time and I was hoping to understand if anyone had a similar experience as while I think my most recent ex is DA, in a lot of ways he was very different to the previous.
In the beginning we kept things very casual as I wasn’t looking to get into a new relationship and he was quite eager. We saw each other casually for 2-3 months and I was going through a bit of a difficult period in my life yet he stuck by me regardless. I think this is what made me think he was a keeper... I’m typically more AP and having someone still hang around despite my problems made my affection for him grow stronger - and after a big gesture from him, I was fully in! After about 4 months I was in a position where I found myself needing to find a new place to live as my flat mates were moving away. He offered for me to stay with him, which I did. I asked him if he wanted me to move out and find somewhere new but he said I didn’t have to, so we began living together. In my head, i thought that he was showing me a big sign of commitment so I went along with it.
Anyway, as time went on, it became more and more apparent he was a workaholic. I knew he worked a lot in the beginning but living together made this even more apparent. He worked 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week. Never took holiday, never went to see his family and never made quality time for us, but always made time for the gym. This made me incredibly unsettled and lead to discussions about where the relationship was going. I’d be happy to compromise on how much we see each other but I needed to know there was an end in sight, a goal, or what he saw for his future.
This was met with a lot of “I don’t know”, “I don’t want to hold you back”, “you’re young and beautiful, I don’t want you to waste your time with me”, “I’m not good at relationships” etc etc. In the almost 2 years we were together, he never told me he loved me, never made any plans for the future and refused to compromise on his work.
The sad thing is, he was incredibly kind, generous, and when we did spend time together, we had a wonderful time and he was affectionate, but it just felt like it never moved forward and he never had any plans for it to. He’s 36 and I’m 30 so at a point where I want some more stability for my future.
When we broke up, he told me I was important to him and he wanted to be with me but he was “emotionally annihilated” and didn’t think he could give me anything more. He also realised how his work ruined the relationship (and time with his family/his health) but still didn’t want to compromise on it.
Of course it’s not all his fault, but I’ve found this very difficult to reconcile - how someone can be so aware, yet not want to make any changes to improve things? Does anyone have any insight? Is workaholism typical of a DA? Not saying “I love you”? Would love to hear people’s experiences.
I first joined this forum two and a half years ago after my relationship ended with a DA and I was seeking advice on how to move on and if he would come back.
Since then, he did come back, and tried to get back together with me on and off for a year. I also moved on... unfortunately for me, it seems with another DA which has subsequently ended in another break up. Do we ever learn?!
Anyway, I’m writing as this forum helped me last time and I was hoping to understand if anyone had a similar experience as while I think my most recent ex is DA, in a lot of ways he was very different to the previous.
In the beginning we kept things very casual as I wasn’t looking to get into a new relationship and he was quite eager. We saw each other casually for 2-3 months and I was going through a bit of a difficult period in my life yet he stuck by me regardless. I think this is what made me think he was a keeper... I’m typically more AP and having someone still hang around despite my problems made my affection for him grow stronger - and after a big gesture from him, I was fully in! After about 4 months I was in a position where I found myself needing to find a new place to live as my flat mates were moving away. He offered for me to stay with him, which I did. I asked him if he wanted me to move out and find somewhere new but he said I didn’t have to, so we began living together. In my head, i thought that he was showing me a big sign of commitment so I went along with it.
Anyway, as time went on, it became more and more apparent he was a workaholic. I knew he worked a lot in the beginning but living together made this even more apparent. He worked 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week. Never took holiday, never went to see his family and never made quality time for us, but always made time for the gym. This made me incredibly unsettled and lead to discussions about where the relationship was going. I’d be happy to compromise on how much we see each other but I needed to know there was an end in sight, a goal, or what he saw for his future.
This was met with a lot of “I don’t know”, “I don’t want to hold you back”, “you’re young and beautiful, I don’t want you to waste your time with me”, “I’m not good at relationships” etc etc. In the almost 2 years we were together, he never told me he loved me, never made any plans for the future and refused to compromise on his work.
The sad thing is, he was incredibly kind, generous, and when we did spend time together, we had a wonderful time and he was affectionate, but it just felt like it never moved forward and he never had any plans for it to. He’s 36 and I’m 30 so at a point where I want some more stability for my future.
When we broke up, he told me I was important to him and he wanted to be with me but he was “emotionally annihilated” and didn’t think he could give me anything more. He also realised how his work ruined the relationship (and time with his family/his health) but still didn’t want to compromise on it.
Of course it’s not all his fault, but I’ve found this very difficult to reconcile - how someone can be so aware, yet not want to make any changes to improve things? Does anyone have any insight? Is workaholism typical of a DA? Not saying “I love you”? Would love to hear people’s experiences.
I appreciate your h to thoughts! Yes, my ex had a burnout at one point when we were together and slept for like two days straight and he then contemplated resigning and possibly starting afresh somewhere else for about 2 months. But, he decided he just needed to pull himself together and get on with it. I think that was the main catalyst of it all, so close to changing but then ultimately deciding not to. It’s terrible because you want to help and support with the workload, but it is incredibly draining and hard to watch. 