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Post by maxymax on Dec 15, 2020 6:18:13 GMT
Struggling more than I have in a while the last few days. My heart feels broken again. I’ve been waking up every night at around 3 or 4 thinking of her, of what happened between us and her new relationship. It’s awful.
It definitely has to do with this time of year since both times we really dated we spent the holidays together. I think that’s bringing up some extra intensity in my thoughts and feelings.
My ex is my best friends fiancé’s sister. I was talking with another friend about their upcoming wedding and it’s now becoming more likely that her new bf (that she met on a family vacation with and slept with while we were dating but not “official”) is going to possibly be part of the small group of guys on the bachelor party, going to be at the wedding and apparently planning on renting a boat to sail a small crew of people around after the wedding (he’s a sailor by profession). I already hate enough that the guy my ex snuck around with to sleep with on her family vacation while we dated is hanging out with my best friend of 20+ years, now this. I know my friend can't do anything about it, it's his future sister in laws boyfriend, but I hate that they even know each other. She never should have fucking done what she did and he never should have been brought into our lives.
I cannot believe the hired help she screwed on a family vacation behind my back is about to be part of all of this. My best friend for 20+ years is getting married and this kid is going to be there. Interacting with my closest group of friends. I’m going to have to see him and my ex in love, spend time around them (destination wedding), see them slow dancing. When we were together we had talked about how cute it was that she was going to be the maid of honor and I was going to be the best man. Now she’s with this fucking guy. I can’t take it that this is who she has chosen. It drives me insane and breaks my heart.
I told my friend how much I hate that I’m going to have to be around him and he said dude he did nothing wrong to you it was her and it happened years ago already. If I cared about another girl it wouldn’t matter as much. I agree with the last part I guess but I don’t think just because it happened a few years ago I should be ok with having this guy around me and around my social circle. I was expressing to my friend how the fact she’s made this guy her boyfriend and is so committed to him is such a kick in the nuts while I’m down. Salt in gaping wounds. Our history is so messed up, from my perspective she did some really messed up shit, this is just like that extra kick in the nuts to top it off. He couldn’t just be some guy she has a fling with on vacation whenever, no she had to go and make him her boyfriend and commit to him and be wildly in love with him, living together for months at a time. The guy from England who sails for a living that was the hired help on a family fucking vacation. She just had to stay in touch with, he just had to invite her on a trip to kick this thing off. Out of aalllll the girls I’m sure he’s slept with and met on his boat trips, it had to be my ex that he invited. And she just had to make him her boyfriend.
My friend said dude she’s crazy. What kind of girl sleeps with the hired help when she’s with her family. She’s never going to settle down. To which I said, she seems pretty settled with this kid. And he said yea but not really, they’re always traveling around from the US, Europe, Mexico, wherever, they’re together a couple months (even though it’s usually longer than just 2 months) and then they’re apart for a month or 2. Which echoes what people here have said in some form or another. But it’s not like they’re together a week or 2 and then separate which would make sense to me regarding getting space. It’s months at a time. Like fully living together. Which kills me that he gets to spend so much time with her, go to sleep with her every night, wake up with her every morning. I don’t get how that works her. Somebody that is so independent, needs their space, repelled by too much closeness and intimacy, somebody that doesn’t like to be relied on or feel contained. This guy has no life here. No friends, no job, nothing going for him here. It would seem that would make him completely reliant on her. I mean what the hell do they even talk about all day everyday with him having absolutely no life of his own here? How does that not get to her!??
Why am I so convinced that this girl is what I think she is, just not with me? I think about the guys she’s dated and besides me they’re all free spirits like her. Me, I work in finance, I’m organized, I like to plan and research. I also am adventurous and love to try things and am curious and musically talented, I can be wild and outgoing, I'm no wet blanket but I’m not a free spirit. I saw our differences as a great balance and way to learn and grow from each other. I feel like that should make me feel a little better that her type is really this free spirited type and I didn’t do anything wrong. But it doesn’t, I just think well she fell for me and was crazy about me regardless of the type of person I am but in the end what we had wasn’t good enough for her to try to make work.
Maybe she is crazy. I mean besides instagram models, she's the only girl that I know that has pictures of herself posted on social media topless (with emojis to cover her nipples/breasts). None of my friends girlfriends/fiances/wives would ever even think of doing something like that. I don't think any girl I know besides her would think of doing that. Or maybe that's not a big deal at all and I'm just looking for something? Part of what I loved about her was her wildness also though.
I think besides the on and off nature, what's made this soo damn hard to get over her and our relationship is 1. She was my first love and 2. the absolute sudden and drastic change. Because of this it feels like 99% of everything we shared was actually good and happy and then boom that tiny last percent is the ending of our relationships, so if so much was so good how could it not have worked, why couldn't it work. But I guess for her it was much different, even though she never communicated unhappiness in the slightest bit once.
I just don't know where it all went wrong. I mean according to her, one morning we were getting dressed and I kissed her on the cheek from behind and that triggered her to start thinking/feeling unsure, so I guess that's where it went all wrong, but I mean really where did it go wrong. One minute we're talking about doing things together over the next few months and she's telling me what a great time she had spending the weekend with me and with no warning, we're not compatible, she's not in love with me, we're different people, I love her too much, I'm too reliant on her, we're done. I really think the suddenness is what has me so caught up. Why didn't she care enough to just give me a chance to work some things out? She said I couldn't have done anything about it she just knew it wasn't right but how could she say that without even just freaking once trying!? Just saying something one time?? It was so right so right so right for her and then snap of the finger isn't right anymore? wtf?
After all this time, constantly saying to myself, wtf happened, why didn't it work, what changed, why does she love him so much, I know there are no answers that will satisfy me. It doesn't seem to matter though, it feels like my subconscious wants to think about her and us and now her new relationship. Why would my mind want to cause me such pain? I would think your mind would want to move you away from pain...
I'm sorry if I'm repeating things I've said. I'm not ignoring what you guys have so graciously said to me. I just need to let this stuff out and converse with people that understand what I'm going through.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 15, 2020 20:12:03 GMT
What does your therapist say about this? I understand coming here and posting...but it sounds like this is impacting you sooo much. Have you had your serotonin or dopamine levels checked. I was seriously stuck in a similar loop of thought until I was diagnosed as having low serotonin and put on medication.
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Post by maxymax on Dec 15, 2020 21:45:58 GMT
What does your therapist say about this? I understand coming here and posting...but it sounds like this is impacting you sooo much. Have you had your serotonin or dopamine levels checked. I was seriously stuck in a similar loop of thought until I was diagnosed as having low serotonin and put on medication. I’m not currently in therapy anymore. I am on Zoloft. I’m fully functioning and not in the deep dark pit of despair I was in the initial months of the break up. But I am really sad about it still. Really confused about it still. So jealous/angry/upset about her new relationship. Some days the thoughts just really get to me and typing this stuff out and talking to some people here helps me get it out of my body and it’s nice to get some advice and support. Other days, yea I think about her and what happened but I it doesn’t get to me as much. The fact she is connected to my social circle makes it harder for sure. I am trying to work on myself. I realize my posts are about her and our relationship and not me. That’s because I’m getting my thoughts and feelings out. I am playing guitar and piano again. I’m reading again. I’m cycling again. I’m working on figuring out my career. Like I said I think the time of year definitely has something to do with these thoughts being more intense than usual. Also as I mentioned the extra salt I. The already gaping wounds with her boyfriend being the hired help on their family trip from another country being the boyfriend she’s been most committed to since college. Lots of factors contribute to me having such a hard time. Today I’ve thought about it but certainly don’t feel as emotional about it as I did yesterday. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 15, 2020 22:33:08 GMT
What does your therapist say about this? I understand coming here and posting...but it sounds like this is impacting you sooo much. Have you had your serotonin or dopamine levels checked. I was seriously stuck in a similar loop of thought until I was diagnosed as having low serotonin and put on medication. I’m not currently in therapy anymore. I am on Zoloft. I’m fully functioning and not in the deep dark pit of despair I was in the initial months of the break up. But I am really sad about it still. Really confused about it still. So jealous/angry/upset about her new relationship. Some days the thoughts just really get to me and typing this stuff out and talking to some people here helps me get it out of my body and it’s nice to get some advice and support. Other days, yea I think about her and what happened but I it doesn’t get to me as much. The fact she is connected to my social circle makes it harder for sure. I am trying to work on myself. I realize my posts are about her and our relationship and not me. That’s because I’m getting my thoughts and feelings out. I am playing guitar and piano again. I’m reading again. I’m cycling again. I’m working on figuring out my career. Like I said I think the time of year definitely has something to do with these thoughts being more intense than usual. Also as I mentioned the extra salt I. The already gaping wounds with her boyfriend being the hired help on their family trip from another country being the boyfriend she’s been most committed to since college. Lots of factors contribute to me having such a hard time. Today I’ve thought about it but certainly don’t feel as emotional about it as I did yesterday. I am glad you feel better....and I forgot you were on Zoloft. Why did you decide to stop therapy if you don’t mind me asking. |
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Post by maxymax on Dec 16, 2020 0:58:27 GMT
I’m not currently in therapy anymore. I am on Zoloft. I’m fully functioning and not in the deep dark pit of despair I was in the initial months of the break up. But I am really sad about it still. Really confused about it still. So jealous/angry/upset about her new relationship. Some days the thoughts just really get to me and typing this stuff out and talking to some people here helps me get it out of my body and it’s nice to get some advice and support. Other days, yea I think about her and what happened but I it doesn’t get to me as much. The fact she is connected to my social circle makes it harder for sure. I am trying to work on myself. I realize my posts are about her and our relationship and not me. That’s because I’m getting my thoughts and feelings out. I am playing guitar and piano again. I’m reading again. I’m cycling again. I’m working on figuring out my career. Like I said I think the time of year definitely has something to do with these thoughts being more intense than usual. Also as I mentioned the extra salt I. The already gaping wounds with her boyfriend being the hired help on their family trip from another country being the boyfriend she’s been most committed to since college. Lots of factors contribute to me having such a hard time. Today I’ve thought about it but certainly don’t feel as emotional about it as I did yesterday. I am glad you feel better....and I forgot you were on Zoloft. Why did you decide to stop therapy if you don’t mind me asking. I stopped therapy because I no longer have the health insurance that my therapists take. I’m also not sure it was really helping either. It was nice to vent for 45 minutes but I really wasn’t hearing anything I hadn’t already read or heard. Work on my self worth, my self talk, focus on the small things to try to find happiness. I just wish it could all go back to when things were good and pure  |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2020 1:37:05 GMT
I am glad you feel better....and I forgot you were on Zoloft. Why did you decide to stop therapy if you don’t mind me asking. I stopped therapy because I no longer have the health insurance that my therapists take. I’m also not sure it was really helping either. It was nice to vent for 45 minutes but I really wasn’t hearing anything I hadn’t already read or heard. Work on my self worth, my self talk, focus on the small things to try to find happiness. I just wish it could all go back to when things were good and pure Unfortunately you can’t go back.....but you can press through. I think talk therapy has it’s limitations for APs. Have you looked into Somatic Experiencing therapy? If not, that may be something to look into.....I have personally found it to be a lot more helpful. |
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Post by iz42 on Dec 16, 2020 2:10:58 GMT
I stopped therapy because I no longer have the health insurance that my therapists take. I’m also not sure it was really helping either. It was nice to vent for 45 minutes but I really wasn’t hearing anything I hadn’t already read or heard. Work on my self worth, my self talk, focus on the small things to try to find happiness. I just wish it could all go back to when things were good and pure Unfortunately you can’t go back.....but you can press through. I think talk therapy has it’s limitations for APs. Have you looked into Somatic Experiencing therapy? If not, that may be something to look into.....I have personally found it to be a lot more helpful. Not to discount SE therapy at all, but FWIW, I think it also depends a lot on the therapist. I reached a point with my last therapist (who was trained in SE therapy) where I felt like I wasn't getting anything new and it wasn't helping. At a certain point it felt more like talking to a friend than a therapist. I have a new therapist now who asks a lot more questions and is very interactive. It makes a huge difference and I feel like I'm making more progress. Her questions challenge me to look at things in a different way, and she gets me to rethink my patterns rather than just listening passively or telling me what I need to do. "Work on your self worth" or "focus on the small things" don't really sound like useful things to hear. I realize you may not be in a position to look for a new therapist now maxymax but it's worth keeping in mind that you can get consultations with multiple people to see if their style works for you. I am surprised at what a difference it has made. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2020 5:23:33 GMT
Unfortunately you can’t go back.....but you can press through. I think talk therapy has it’s limitations for APs. Have you looked into Somatic Experiencing therapy? If not, that may be something to look into.....I have personally found it to be a lot more helpful. Not to discount SE therapy at all, but FWIW, I think it also depends a lot on the therapist. I reached a point with my last therapist (who was trained in SE therapy) where I felt like I wasn't getting anything new and it wasn't helping. At a certain point it felt more like talking to a friend than a therapist. I have a new therapist now who asks a lot more questions and is very interactive. It makes a huge difference and I feel like I'm making more progress. Her questions challenge me to look at things in a different way, and she gets me to rethink my patterns rather than just listening passively or telling me what I need to do. "Work on your self worth" or "focus on the small things" don't really sound like useful things to hear. I realize you may not be in a position to look for a new therapist now maxymax but it's worth keeping in mind that you can get consultations with multiple people to see if their style works for you. I am surprised at what a difference it has made. I agree that the therapist does matter...I really appreciate all the work my current therapist and I are doing. The reason I really like SE is how it connects signals in the body to trauma. I used to be all in my head and this therapist has really opened up a lot of awareness in me of my physical space which has led to a better understanding of boundaries.  |
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Post by maxymax on Dec 16, 2020 17:22:24 GMT
Unfortunately you can’t go back.....but you can press through. I think talk therapy has it’s limitations for APs. Have you looked into Somatic Experiencing therapy? If not, that may be something to look into.....I have personally found it to be a lot more helpful. Not to discount SE therapy at all, but FWIW, I think it also depends a lot on the therapist. I reached a point with my last therapist (who was trained in SE therapy) where I felt like I wasn't getting anything new and it wasn't helping. At a certain point it felt more like talking to a friend than a therapist. I have a new therapist now who asks a lot more questions and is very interactive. It makes a huge difference and I feel like I'm making more progress. Her questions challenge me to look at things in a different way, and she gets me to rethink my patterns rather than just listening passively or telling me what I need to do. "Work on your self worth" or "focus on the small things" don't really sound like useful things to hear. I realize you may not be in a position to look for a new therapist now maxymax but it's worth keeping in mind that you can get consultations with multiple people to see if their style works for you. I am surprised at what a difference it has made. Not to discount SE therapy at all, but FWIW, I think it also depends a lot on the therapist. I reached a point with my last therapist (who was trained in SE therapy) where I felt like I wasn't getting anything new and it wasn't helping. At a certain point it felt more like talking to a friend than a therapist. I have a new therapist now who asks a lot more questions and is very interactive. It makes a huge difference and I feel like I'm making more progress. Her questions challenge me to look at things in a different way, and she gets me to rethink my patterns rather than just listening passively or telling me what I need to do. "Work on your self worth" or "focus on the small things" don't really sound like useful things to hear. I realize you may not be in a position to look for a new therapist now maxymax but it's worth keeping in mind that you can get consultations with multiple people to see if their style works for you. I am surprised at what a difference it has made. I agree that the therapist does matter...I really appreciate all the work my current therapist and I are doing. The reason I really like SE is how it connects signals in the body to trauma. I used to be all in my head and this therapist has really opened up a lot of awareness in me of my physical space which has led to a better understanding of boundaries. I agree. My first therapist that I went to right after my breakup was an older woman that I don't think connected with my age group well enough. She was sweet though, tried to help me focus on myself, my career, my confidence. She told me my ex sounded like she had borderline personality disorder, or at least borderline traits, which I may not be a professional, but doesn't seem very likely at all. She mostly just listened to me, told me how much potential I had, how I needed to be less dependent on others. I was in a really bad depression though from the breakup and I think maybe that's what I needed at the time, to just be listened to. My next therapist I think was actually pretty good but I'm just not sure it works for me. She said my ex has a pattern that will repeat, doesn't know if she's coming or going, well surprise, the pattern hasn't repeated and she seems like she knows what she's doing now. But she would challenge me to use better language when speaking in session, she'd challenge me to think of things to be grateful for in session, challenge me on other things, try to reframe certain things for me. I think she was quite good. Maybe it didn't work because after the session I'd just go back to living how I was before. Or maybe it's just not for me? I really figured by now, I wouldn't still be wondering what happened, what changed, why didn't it work, why didn't she love me. I have more important things to worry about and figure out. I know that. But it feels like I can't stop thinking about her and our relationship. I think at some point I felt a little better having so many people say she's not going to maintain a relationship for a loong time. But now that I've seen that not be true, that's really added to the hurt. Now that her new bf is about to be part of my best friends wedding really adds to it. The fact I still live in the same neighborhood and every time I even go for a walk, I pass 10 different places that remind me of her doesn't help. This time of year doesn't help either. In my head things were so perfect and so good. I don't know what was so vastly and drastically different for her. That’s what’s gotten me so caught up I think and so hard to move past it. I still, all this time later, think had she just talked to me, and I just don’t know why she didn’t, it all would have been different. Had we been more casual, seeing each other once a week, talking only a couple of days a week, where it was pretty evident we were still feeling each other out, then the sudden ending, I think I’d be much more ok with. But it was the complete opposite, 2-3 nights a week, talking everyday, after every weekend she’d always say what an amazing time she had with me. Always saying things showing such high interest/attraction/attachment/love. Always wanting to see me and do things. Talks of things she wanted to do together. I mean literally days before dumping me, we’re on a family vacation and we’re partying and dancing and going for great dinners, having great sex, she’s telling me as I’m holding her in the ocean she had waited so long for that moment. Then just boom over a few days later. Had we been having non stop huge fights that revealed serious incompatibilities in the way we live and want to live life, I’d have something to point to. All the extremely high expressions/actions of happiness/love stand out so much for me and I guess still convince me that we were and could be good together. I also objectively think that there was a lot of mini traumas with this girl that have also probably made this that much harder to get over. - the first blindside dump - the end of our breakup talk was she wanted to take a week while I was Away to cool down and talk when I got back, found out the night I got back She got wasted at a party and slept with her ex boyfriend - after sleeping together a couple of months later, she told me she wanted me To come to her big performance and never followed up with me which really Hurt. We also made plans to hang out and she bailed last minute, also Really hurt. - then I find out she’s sleeping with one of my best friends roommates who I And several of my friends know - then at my friends bday I see her flirting and walking around and interacting With the guy I just mentioned. When I confronted her, she didn’t care at all, Was completely dismissive to what I said. - a month later, she asked if she could come to this party, I said yes, after Trying to get my attention all night, she brought her now bf to the after party, I found out the next day when she called to apologize that she met him on The family trip she was on when we were dating (never really defined Exclusivity) and slept with him on that trip - a few weeks after that, when she was over my apt with her sister, while she Was sitting next to me watching a movie and we had been flirting all day, She was sexting with some family friend she had just seen on her trip to England - While dating the second time, our biggest argument came from that family Friend she had fooled around with messaging her in what I thought was a Flirty way and her responding with hearts - The second complete blindside dump - when breaking up with me I asked her to respect me more and treat me Better, and not to date or fuck anybody connected to me or my friends after this breakup since we were connected so closely and she said she would. - 3 weeks later she shows up at my friends birthday party - then I find out she’s sleeping with my friends roommate again - then she shows up to another one of my friends birthday a couple of Months later So yea, maybe some of those things aren’t necessarily traumas but because of the real heartbreak from the first dump they all really hurt me and broke my heart again. So I think all these, what I’ll call, mini traumas, have added up to much more trauma than just a regular break up on top of how hard a blindside break up is anyways. And despite that pretty long list of pretty inconsiderate and cruel things, the loving good side weighs so much more heavily to me. And as I’ve said, now seeing/hearing what a perfect girlfriend she’s being a few years later, makes me wonder if she did all those things due to immaturity and now she’s ready, wonder why she couldn’t be the great girlfriend to me, all the other thoughts I’ve put in my threads. Again I guess the thought that these emotional issues she has were the reason we broke up and would keep happening to her gave me some relief that it was really because of her and not so much me and yeah selfishly that it wouldn’t work out with her and anybody else. Now seeing her maintain a year long, international relationship, living together several months at a time, breaks the pattern, says to me she doesn’t have issues and is capable of being a loving committed partner, which in turn means, we broke up due to things either I was doing when we were together or something she came up with in her head that she didn’t care enough about me/the relationship, to discuss with me to see if it was something that could change. Being with her was the happiest I’ve ever been. It was ripped away from me twice out of absolutely nowhere. It’s hard to have that type of happiness torn away from you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2020 20:29:56 GMT
In my head things were so perfect and so good.
I honestly think this is key.....your perception of things has left no room for any other outcome other then he is getting something great and you lost out. And you are still focused on trying to figure out her motives.
In therapy, did your therapist ever suggest discussing your past? Ever discuss anything that could have led you to place your happiness outside of yourself? I only say this because it is one of the AP traits that is the hardest to replace...the notion that happiness lies in someone else. Such a huge burden for another person to bear...being the source of happiness.
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Post by maxymax on Dec 17, 2020 1:07:56 GMT
In my head things were so perfect and so good. I honestly think this is key.....your perception of things has left no room for any other outcome other then he is getting something great and you lost out. And you are still focused on trying to figure out her motives. In therapy, did your therapist ever suggest discussing your past? Ever discuss anything that could have led you to place your happiness outside of yourself? I only say this because it is one of the AP traits that is the hardest to replace...the notion that happiness lies in someone else. Such a huge burden for another person to bear...being the source of happiness. I guess let me just specify that I wasn't just imagining what was going on or just assuming a bunch of stuff. I thought things were amazing based on what she was doing and saying. I think I mentioned enough of what she was doing and saying somewhere in this and other threads, no need to list them again. I guess part of me doesn't want to lie to myself? Maybe that's it? I mean all I hear about is them doing all this stuff together, traveling, living together. And yea, I've checked her social media (not often but I've looked) and see all this stuff she's posted. Logic would be, they've been together a year, lived together for months at a time, have unique experiences together, share pictures/videos of being happy together with the world, the odds of them being crazy about each other and completely committed and in love are much higher than some lie I should tell myself that they're not in a great relationship. With my first therapist we discussed my past a bit. She thought because I came from a divorced family that being with my ex (and her sister being my best friend's girlfriend and my ex also being very close friends with another one of my best friends girlfriends) was my way of creating a new family. I have no idea if thats accurate or not. But also, what is the point of knowing what in the past may be causing this? I can't change the past ya know... It's not that my happiness was fully based on her. But yes being with her and having all these great, fun experiences together, feeling loved, her telling me how happy she was and amazing I was, definitely made me happier and elevated my life. I did (and do) have my own life, my own friends, did my own things, a stable job. I wasn't very fulfilled in my life at the time, but I don't think all of my happiness, at that time, revolved around her. Her and being with her definitely made me extremely happy though. Or maybe it did totally lie within her and I didn't and don't even know how to recognize that... |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 17, 2020 1:28:02 GMT
In my head things were so perfect and so good. I honestly think this is key.....your perception of things has left no room for any other outcome other then he is getting something great and you lost out. And you are still focused on trying to figure out her motives. In therapy, did your therapist ever suggest discussing your past? Ever discuss anything that could have led you to place your happiness outside of yourself? I only say this because it is one of the AP traits that is the hardest to replace...the notion that happiness lies in someone else. Such a huge burden for another person to bear...being the source of happiness. I guess let me just specify that I wasn't just imagining what was going on or just assuming a bunch of stuff. I thought things were amazing based on what she was doing and saying. I think I mentioned enough of what she was doing and saying somewhere in this and other threads, no need to list them again. I guess part of me doesn't want to lie to myself? Maybe that's it? I mean all I hear about is them doing all this stuff together, traveling, living together. And yea, I've checked her social media (not often but I've looked) and see all this stuff she's posted. Logic would be, they've been together a year, lived together for months at a time, have unique experiences together, share pictures/videos of being happy together with the world, the odds of them being crazy about each other and completely committed and in love are much higher than some lie I should tell myself that they're not in a great relationship. With my first therapist we discussed my past a bit. She thought because I came from a divorced family that being with my ex (and her sister being my best friend's girlfriend and my ex also being very close friends with another one of my best friends girlfriends) was my way of creating a new family. I have no idea if thats accurate or not. But also, what is the point of knowing what in the past may be causing this? I can't change the past ya know... It's not that my happiness was fully based on her. But yes being with her and having all these great, fun experiences together, feeling loved, her telling me how happy she was and amazing I was, definitely made me happier and elevated my life. I did (and do) have my own life, my own friends, did my own things, a stable job. I wasn't very fulfilled in my life at the time, but I don't think all of my happiness, at that time, revolved around her. Her and being with her definitely made me extremely happy though. Or maybe it did totally lie within her and I didn't and don't even know how to recognize that... Sooo..let me ask a question....when you are dating someone...do you post the boring, mundane stuff? Do you post the arguments and disagreements? Or do you post photos of great times with smiley faces. There is a limit to what social media offers..it is an incomplete picture. Wow....so you don’t believe that anything about your past influences your attitudes or behaviors today? That a broken home did not leave you longing for anything? The past is never just the past, it is the foundation by which you learn your coping skills and tools with how to navigate life. That is the whole point of attachment theory...that our earliest experiences with our caregivers, shape how we view and interact with others. |
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Post by maxymax on Dec 17, 2020 16:14:10 GMT
I guess let me just specify that I wasn't just imagining what was going on or just assuming a bunch of stuff. I thought things were amazing based on what she was doing and saying. I think I mentioned enough of what she was doing and saying somewhere in this and other threads, no need to list them again. I guess part of me doesn't want to lie to myself? Maybe that's it? I mean all I hear about is them doing all this stuff together, traveling, living together. And yea, I've checked her social media (not often but I've looked) and see all this stuff she's posted. Logic would be, they've been together a year, lived together for months at a time, have unique experiences together, share pictures/videos of being happy together with the world, the odds of them being crazy about each other and completely committed and in love are much higher than some lie I should tell myself that they're not in a great relationship. With my first therapist we discussed my past a bit. She thought because I came from a divorced family that being with my ex (and her sister being my best friend's girlfriend and my ex also being very close friends with another one of my best friends girlfriends) was my way of creating a new family. I have no idea if thats accurate or not. But also, what is the point of knowing what in the past may be causing this? I can't change the past ya know... It's not that my happiness was fully based on her. But yes being with her and having all these great, fun experiences together, feeling loved, her telling me how happy she was and amazing I was, definitely made me happier and elevated my life. I did (and do) have my own life, my own friends, did my own things, a stable job. I wasn't very fulfilled in my life at the time, but I don't think all of my happiness, at that time, revolved around her. Her and being with her definitely made me extremely happy though. Or maybe it did totally lie within her and I didn't and don't even know how to recognize that... Sooo..let me ask a question....when you are dating someone...do you post the boring, mundane stuff? Do you post the arguments and disagreements? Or do you post photos of great times with smiley faces. There is a limit to what social media offers..it is an incomplete picture. Wow....so you don’t believe that anything about your past influences your attitudes or behaviors today? That a broken home did not leave you longing for anything? The past is never just the past, it is the foundation by which you learn your coping skills and tools with how to navigate life. That is the whole point of attachment theory...that our earliest experiences with our caregivers, shape how we view and interact with others. No no, I do believe your past shapes and informs a persons attitudes/behaviors. I just don't think knowing that origin necessarily helps much other than having a possible explanation to the "why" if that makes sense. It's like ok, my parents divorce likely has something to do with my longing, but knowing that contributed doesn't help me change anything about it. I can't change my parents divorce. That's what I was saying, if that makes sense. But maybe for other people it does help them know. I know various types of therapy help people all the time. I'm just not sure it helped or will help me. I feel like everything for me comes down to building up my self esteem. Everything I have read about that boils down to, positive self talk, gratitude and setting small goals/tasks to feel accomplishment. And yes I do get your point about social media. I'm not saying everything must be absolutely perfect between them. I'm sure they've had some arguments. Sure there is a small chance that she talks to guys behind his back, that she's even slept with somebody else while they've been apart, but those things are not very likely at all I don't think. If you're in general not really happy/in love/committed in your relationship, you're probably not sharing much of it at all with the world. And this is sort of embarrassing but damn I've shared so much here, why not keep going, I noticed in a picture she posted, in the background she has a collage of pictures of them together in her apartment. If you're not really really in love with somebody and really really happy with them, are you posting anything at all? Are you putting up pictures in your home? I guess what I'm getting at is that, even though things are not perfect, despite the imperfections, she is significantly more committed to him/making the relationship work and in love with him, and those things despite what so many people have said about her being unstable and repeating a pattern and not settling down. To your point, things likely aren't perfect, they must have had some conversations about things that were issues, which is something she never even attempted with me I mean can you really live with somebody for months on end and be together a whole year and not have those types of conversations? And it's just like, what does he have, what does he do, what does he say, what is it about him, that despite her maybe being unstable, unavailable, immature, avoidant, that makes her so committed/in love/not repeat her pattern. And I'm sure I'd be wondering it about any guy, but like I said it's such an extra kick in the groin, while I'm already down, that it's the guy that was the hired help she slept with behind my back, with no life whatsoever of his own here. Don't women want men that lead their own lives? I don't know maybe she was still too young when we got together, 23 & 24 is young. When I was that age I had no interest in a relationship, I was going out 3-4 times a week, and pretty wild still. But I wasn't interested in a relationship at 27 either until I met her so I don't know. Maybe she was too young at 23/24 to be able to communicate and have the life experience/perspective necessary to maintain a relationship? But then again, she had a 3+ year relationship in college in which she lived with her boyfriend, so she had to have some important relationship skills from that. Maybe I just wanted it to work too much and was too in love with her and tried too hard and it turned her off. I do understand what you're saying, I do, and I'm not dismissing it and I'm not arguing with you, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you responding and providing ideas and insight ad challenging my thoughts. I guess I just can't get over that very sudden change out of nowhere combined with her never giving me/us the chance to improve whatever it was that wasn't working for her, despite her words and actions of commitment. I think that is what has me so hung up. And yea I am still fixated on figuring out her motives as you put it I guess. I've been seeing girls for a few months before, although I was never in love with them, I really really liked them, and my feelings never just shut off. There was never a singular moment that made me question what was going on. I guess it's something I'll never understand. Yea I would feel a lot better about it all if her pattern continued to repeat, it would be proof it wasn't as much me as I think. I'm rambling... |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2020 15:35:30 GMT
Sooooo.....I am the child of divorced parents and I can attest to the impact it has had on me. One reason that B’s breakup was so hard...is that it was “out of the blue” and I did not have a say in it. Not unlike my parent’s divorce which felt very much “out of the blue” and I did not have a say in it. I remember feeling like my world was falling apart....here I was, 9 years old, and the 2 people who I loved the most, the ones that I looked to for consistency and stability were tearing both of those things apart. There was also a custody battle that my dad initiated..so I had to draw pictures and talk to psychologists and social works who were trying to determine which home would be best for me. I remember my dad offering all kinds of things I wanted if I lived with him. And my dad actually won the custody battle.....but as my mom puts it...he didn’t want me. It was all a way to get back at my mom. Sooo...now I am split between 2 parents and one has made the decision he doesn’t really want me...and my mom was overwhelmed and irritated by my neediness and sensitivity as she is trying to figure out how to take care of three kids as a single mom with an ex husband who won’t pay his child support on time or pick up his children at the house. Oh...and my dad was a psychiatrist so I got a whole lot of “you are this close to normal” conversations.
I say all of that because our past does influence our view of ourselves and others. And as much as I agree that improving your view of yourself is key...I found that I only made so much progress in that arena before I really started to tackle the history of why I had low self esteem. Sooo what has dealing with the past consisted of for me.....well, first, it has been taking an honest look at things with my current therapist. We have explored the need to have a say in things and how I tend to blame myself when things go wrong. We have also explored how my past has left me longing for a soulmate....how it has led me to choose men who mirror my father’s inconsistency while also having “potential” to be more.....we are exploring what a consistent relationship looks like versus the fantasy I create based on my past. We are exploring anger...how it wasn’t ok to be angry.....how it was perceived by my mom as selfish and was downplayed or ignored by my dad. There are so many tentacles that still haven’t been explored and still impact me to this day...but I am making sooo much more progress.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2020 18:22:52 GMT
Also......one thing that has helped with letting go of B......is letting go of the good times and assuming...1. That is new wife is getting that on a consistent basis but more importantly 2. That he is the only one that I can have those times with. Basically, I had to wipe the slate clean.....not in a denying the relationship way...but a more realistic....if I keep holding onto this as the bar by which I judge other potential relationships...I may miss a better match. It is great that you felt happy when you were with her...that means you can feel happiness...and that is great...you just can’t get that happiness with her again...but you can with someone else. Maybe it won’t be the same high, but it also won’t be the same low. I have to admit, I am looking forward to dating someone I don’t have to question whether he is in or out.....someone who talks to me about his concerns instead of avoiding them....someone who responds to texts, phone calls and can communicate well. I don’t miss the roller coaster. But I think in order for me to move forward...I had to wipe the slate clean...maybe you have to do the same. Just a consideration.
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