rye8
New Member
Posts: 6
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Post by rye8 on Dec 15, 2020 13:10:44 GMT
I used to be a fairly secure person, but for the last 3 years I am in a "situationship" with this guy who is definitely FA, and right now he is driving me nuts.
Usually he is super nice when we are together, we do activities, get along well, overall we are a very good match, but from time to time he pushes me away.
It's like every now and again he has to take 1 or 2 days off from our relationship. His excuse stories are always OVER THE TOP so I can not even question him on that. Like he says someone in his family tried to commit suicide so he had to be there to support them, or a friend died and he had to be there to help his friend's parents, or his mother got covid so he went to help her out but then it turned out she didnt have covid so he is back!
I was thinking about having a chat with him and confront him about this behaviour but recently I found out (through social media) that during the times he goes "away" he actually sees an ex girlfriend!! I am gutted!!!
Why is this guy doing this? Given he is FA, should I just directly ask him or will that completely scare him away from me?
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 15, 2020 15:19:54 GMT
I used to be a fairly secure person, but for the last 3 years I am in a "situationship" with this guy who is definitely FA, and right now he is driving me nuts. Usually he is super nice when we are together, we do activities, get along well, overall we are a very good match, but from time to time he pushes me away. It's like every now and again he has to take 1 or 2 days off from our relationship. His excuse stories are always OVER THE TOP so I can not even question him on that. Like he says someone in his family tried to commit suicide so he had to be there to support them, or a friend died and he had to be there to help his friend's parents, or his mother got covid so he went to help her out but then it turned out she didnt have covid so he is back! I was thinking about having a chat with him and confront him about this behaviour but recently I found out (through social media) that during the times he goes "away" he actually sees an ex girlfriend!! I am gutted!!! Why is this guy doing this? Given he is FA, should I just directly ask him or will that completely scare him away from me? Hi there....welcome to the forums. I don’t think it is ever a good idea to “confront” someone.....no one, regardless of attachment takes that approach very well. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you discover via social media that he is spending time with his ex? Were there photos or comments? Do you know the nature of their relationship? I dated a guy who was still “friends” (platonic) with many of his exes. I think you do need to address your concerns with him...but I think, in order for this to be effective, you need to be curious rather then accusatory and speak in “I” versus you statements. But first, a question for you....Are you ok with him wanting to spend time away from the relationship? Is it just the explanations that are bothering you or the fact that he is choosing time away? Because, if he truly is FA and he is not receiving any therapy....he is going to continue to pull and push....this is due to an internal struggle between wanting closeness and wanting to avoid engulfment. |
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rye8
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Not sure
Dec 16, 2020 5:54:07 GMT
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Post by rye8 on Dec 16, 2020 5:54:07 GMT
I used to be a fairly secure person, but for the last 3 years I am in a "situationship" with this guy who is definitely FA, and right now he is driving me nuts. Usually he is super nice when we are together, we do activities, get along well, overall we are a very good match, but from time to time he pushes me away. It's like every now and again he has to take 1 or 2 days off from our relationship. His excuse stories are always OVER THE TOP so I can not even question him on that. Like he says someone in his family tried to commit suicide so he had to be there to support them, or a friend died and he had to be there to help his friend's parents, or his mother got covid so he went to help her out but then it turned out she didnt have covid so he is back! I was thinking about having a chat with him and confront him about this behaviour but recently I found out (through social media) that during the times he goes "away" he actually sees an ex girlfriend!! I am gutted!!! Why is this guy doing this? Given he is FA, should I just directly ask him or will that completely scare him away from me? Hi there....welcome to the forums. I don’t think it is ever a good idea to “confront” someone.....no one, regardless of attachment takes that approach very well. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you discover via social media that he is spending time with his ex? Were there photos or comments? Do you know the nature of their relationship? I dated a guy who was still “friends” (platonic) with many of his exes. I think you do need to address your concerns with him...but I think, in order for this to be effective, you need to be curious rather then accusatory and speak in “I” versus you statements. But first, a question for you....Are you ok with him wanting to spend time away from the relationship? Is it just the explanations that are bothering you or the fact that he is choosing time away? Because, if he truly is FA and he is not receiving any therapy....he is going to continue to pull and push....this is due to an internal struggle between wanting closeness and wanting to avoid engulfment. When I said confront I meant ask him directly like "Have you been seeing XYZ lately?" Can't tell you exactly what was written but I have seen updates from ex on her social media tagging him and the place they went to as well as comments to others which makes it clear that she has seen him. If you are thinking I am miss-understanding or imagining things then I dont think so. Its very clear that he is spending time with her exactly when he says he is very busy with something serious. That's my main problem, those false explanations which I haven't even asked for! I am absolutely ok if he wants to spend time away for example with his friends, family, work or hobbies etc. About spending time with exes, it depends on who this ex is and what their current relationship is like. If its platonic from both sides and necessary, like if they have a kid together, then maybe. But more importantly, why hide that he is seeing the ex? That's what makes it suspicious He makes up these lies, tells me he is helping someone who has bereavement when he's actually out enjoying music and food with his ex in a restaurant. I am just trying to understand, is it an FA thing to make up lies/hide things in order to avoid conflict? Is that how they manage the "push pull" style in relationships? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2020 14:40:53 GMT
Hi there....welcome to the forums. I don’t think it is ever a good idea to “confront” someone.....no one, regardless of attachment takes that approach very well. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you discover via social media that he is spending time with his ex? Were there photos or comments? Do you know the nature of their relationship? I dated a guy who was still “friends” (platonic) with many of his exes. I think you do need to address your concerns with him...but I think, in order for this to be effective, you need to be curious rather then accusatory and speak in “I” versus you statements. But first, a question for you....Are you ok with him wanting to spend time away from the relationship? Is it just the explanations that are bothering you or the fact that he is choosing time away? Because, if he truly is FA and he is not receiving any therapy....he is going to continue to pull and push....this is due to an internal struggle between wanting closeness and wanting to avoid engulfment. When I said confront I meant ask him directly like "Have you been seeing XYZ lately?" Can't tell you exactly what was written but I have seen updates from ex on her social media tagging him and the place they went to as well as comments to others which makes it clear that she has seen him. If you are thinking I am miss-understanding or imagining things then I dont think so. Its very clear that he is spending time with her exactly when he says he is very busy with something serious. That's my main problem, those false explanations which I haven't even asked for! I am absolutely ok if he wants to spend time away for example with his friends, family, work or hobbies etc. About spending time with exes, it depends on who this ex is and what their current relationship is like. If its platonic from both sides and necessary, like if they have a kid together, then maybe. But more importantly, why hide that he is seeing the ex? That's what makes it suspicious He makes up these lies, tells me he is helping someone who has bereavement when he's actually out enjoying music and food with his ex in a restaurant. I am just trying to understand, is it an FA thing to make up lies/hide things in order to avoid conflict? Is that how they manage the "push pull" style in relationships? I understood what you meant....and I stand by my comment that “confronting” someone puts that person in a defensive role because it is all “you” statements. If the goal is to understand why he is choosing to spend time with her, what their current relationship is and why he hasn’t been honest about it.....asking from an accusatory stance is not going to get you that. Conflict avoidance is one of the general FA behaviors...because conflict growing up was often scary and thus avoiding conflict is a coping mechanism. It avoids disappointing people, hurting people you love, being emotionally or physically abused. The guy I dated grew up with a military father who used his belt “liberally” whenever he was questioned or disobeyed. So B had a pretty severe case of conflict avoidance...so bad, he would get drunk just to share anything that might not be received well. I would not say lying is an FA thing....I would say conflict avoidance is and the lying is how the guy you are dating may be choosing to avoid conflict. I understand the questions you are raising...and I think having a conversation about it is in order. But...if you start out with...I know you are seeing this girl...I went to her page and I see the comments from the two of you...that likely won’t go over well. I would honestly start by sharing your feelings about seeing exes...as in...when I am in a relationship with someone, I don’t stay in contact with ex boyfriends because I want to make my current partner feel that I am only seeing him. What are your thoughts about staying in touch with an ex after you start dating someone? That line of questioning allows him to speak to his values and based on that, you can decide whether this relationship is right for you. |
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rye8
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Post by rye8 on Dec 17, 2020 11:16:11 GMT
Ok! So I was all prepared to talk to him. I started chatting with him via text. My aim was to gently introduce the topic through text and then talk about the subject further over a phone call. We said our hellos, he started replying to my messages, when I had his attention I gently brought up the subject (I thought it was gently, you tell me) I wrote... "btw I noticed some pics Erica had posted last week, she mentioned you guys going for a jog. I got a bit confused because I thought you were in XXX at the time. Are these some older pics?" As soon as I wrote above, he stopped replying back to me!!! Naturally I was taken aback! He didn't reply for another 20 mins. This got weird. Then I wrote "BTW I got a text from JJ (my ex) last week. It got me thinking about keeping in touch with your ex. Lets have a chat about it some time, I would like to know your thoughts" BUT HE DID NOT REPLY!!! I waited all evening, he did not reply. I called him later, he didn't pick my call. Dropped another text saying, "Are you busy? I usually get your reply quickly, just wondering is everything ok?" but no reply. Since this morning he didn't login to watsapp. I was surprised to see this, a kind of dramatic reaction! Then, I got this text from him a few hours ago. "I got the news that my uncle passed away, making arrangements to go to XXX for his funeral. BTW sorry for not responding to your calls/texts" Don't know what to think! I am feeling hurt and upset because I can see this guy is twisted, it won't work out with him. I really like him, I wish it could have worked  Am I over-reacting? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 17, 2020 14:42:38 GMT
Ok! So I was all prepared to talk to him. I started chatting with him via text. My aim was to gently introduce the topic through text and then talk about the subject further over a phone call. We said our hellos, he started replying to my messages, when I had his attention I gently brought up the subject (I thought it was gently, you tell me) I wrote... "btw I noticed some pics Erica had posted last week, she mentioned you guys going for a jog. I got a bit confused because I thought you were in XXX at the time. Are these some older pics?" As soon as I wrote above, he stopped replying back to me!!! Naturally I was taken aback! He didn't reply for another 20 mins. This got weird. Then I wrote "BTW I got a text from JJ (my ex) last week. It got me thinking about keeping in touch with your ex. Lets have a chat about it some time, I would like to know your thoughts" BUT HE DID NOT REPLY!!! I waited all evening, he did not reply. I called him later, he didn't pick my call. Dropped another text saying, "Are you busy? I usually get your reply quickly, just wondering is everything ok?" but no reply. Since this morning he didn't login to watsapp. I was surprised to see this, a kind of dramatic reaction! Then, I got this text from him a few hours ago. "I got the news that my uncle passed away, making arrangements to go to XXX for his funeral. BTW sorry for not responding to your calls/texts" Don't know what to think! I am feeling hurt and upset because I can see this guy is twisted, it won't work out with him. I really like him, I wish it could have worked Am I over-reacting? Just for future reference, a conversation along those lines should be done face to face.....not in text or over the phone, because in text or phone, you cannot see the person’s face or mannerisms. I think the text conversation triggered him and whether he truly has a family emergency or not.....he has laid the foundation for not talking for a while. I agree that the timing of this news is curious, but do you know his family? Is there any way to validate that his uncle passed? Just to alleviate your mind. i think if you want a partner who doesn’t activate you and who doesn’t get activated......he is not it. It is obvious that you care about him, but there is suspicion and distrust and that isn’t a good place for a relationship. |
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rye8
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Not sure
Dec 17, 2020 20:57:06 GMT
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Post by rye8 on Dec 17, 2020 20:57:06 GMT
tnr9 I have noticed this guy prefers to talk about the more so-called "sensitive" types of subjects over messaging or maybe phone. In person he gets too weird and avoidant. So I deliberately brought up the subject through message first, rather than introducing the topic in person. My reason was that suppose if he did not want to talk about it right now, it would have been easier for him to tell me over text that he is not ready to go to those sorts of subjects yet. While I want to analyse his reactions and mannerisms, I dont want to deliberately put him in an awkward position. Also, I can't verify about this death. I only know one member of his family, his sister. But he has told me a thousand times how much he hates this sister and never gets along with her. It would be very inappropriate of me to contact someone like her to verify. What has confused me most is, the way he has written "sorry by the way" for ignoring my calls and texts! It feels more like a taunt! Like he's trying to tell me... "While you were nagging me for communication, thinking so badly about me for not responding to you, I was actually dealing with a personal emergency" Anyways, I really care about this guy but I need to think carefully. The way he communicates (as of now) is not working for me at all.
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alice
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Post by alice on Dec 17, 2020 21:58:29 GMT
I notice a pattern from APs who always approach these topics "gently." I can't tell you how often I see that word used. It makes me feel bad for you that you have to think so hard how to cater to his emotions.
If that's where you are with anyone, you should reconsider the situation.
You mentioned he has a pattern of having a serious situation come up to avoid dealing with serious topics or getting close, etc. It would seem from his pattern that he is avoiding again by making up some serious situation that you cannot question. He will do this to anyone who has expectations of him, which is anyone who wants to have a serious relationship. Please don't take it personally. But if you scroll through, these stories our on repeat on this form. I've had my own. It's exhausting to deal with. And it's easier for me to say run than it is to run, but you will be better off for it.
And learning what it is on your end that allows you to get into these situations will help you heal and not encounter this kind of pain again.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 17, 2020 22:00:04 GMT
tnr9 I have noticed this guy prefers to talk about the more so-called "sensitive" types of subjects over messaging or maybe phone. In person he gets too weird and avoidant. So I deliberately brought up the subject through message first, rather than introducing the topic in person. My reason was that suppose if he did not want to talk about it right now, it would have been easier for him to tell me over text that he is not ready to go to those sorts of subjects yet. While I want to analyse his reactions and mannerisms, I dont want to deliberately put him in an awkward position. Also, I can't verify about this death. I only know one member of his family, his sister. But he has told me a thousand times how much he hates this sister and never gets along with her. It would be very inappropriate of me to contact someone like her to verify. What has confused me most is, the way he has written "sorry by the way" for ignoring my calls and texts! It feels more like a taunt! Like he's trying to tell me... "While you were nagging me for communication, thinking so badly about me for not responding to you, I was actually dealing with a personal emergency" Anyways, I really care about this guy but I need to think carefully. The way he communicates (as of now) is not working for me at all. The thing is...as you now see, having those conversations in text means that he can go silent on you and leave you following up whereas...if he gets all nervous in person, at least you are there to see it. the sorry btw may be sincere.....the guy I dated once did not contact me for 3 days...not because he was trying to avoid me but because he had ADHD and it was a case of “out of sight, out of mind”...literally. When he finally got around to contacting me...he apologized for having his notifications and ringer turned off and leaving his phone at home while he went away. I would not read into that.....but I would follow up with him when he gets around to re engaging on the topic you raised. |
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Not sure
Dec 17, 2020 22:08:52 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Dec 17, 2020 22:08:52 GMT
If he is your partner and his uncle just died, you need to get out of the "me" mindset and put this to the side as bad timing. Family emergencies are difficult times to discuss this stuff, and for someone with an insecure attachment style, almost impossible. If you really aren't sure whether you can believe he just had a death in the family, you don't trust him at all and shouldn't be trying to salvage this.
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rye8
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Not sure
Dec 18, 2020 13:34:16 GMT
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Post by rye8 on Dec 18, 2020 13:34:16 GMT
alice, you are right. I am reconsidering the situation. I need to put an end to this and move on. tnr9 I prefer that he goes silent on me than to be a person who induces anxiety in someone else. His sorry may be sincere I agree, but I am past caring unfortunately. It is hurting me a lot right now because I had built a few expectations, but that was a mistake. The sooner I move on the better. alexandra, fair enough, it can sound like a me mindset if you dont know the whole situation. I trusted him to begin with, but he has miss-used my trust repeatedly while leaving me no room for communication. I now realise I should have distanced myself from this guy much sooner. Thank you all for your comments, appreciated.
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alice
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Post by alice on Dec 18, 2020 19:46:01 GMT
Don't be too hard on yourself. Something that helped me was realizing I had to make the decision to walk away daily because it's difficult to not go back when you have such strong emotions/attachment issues. Keep making the decision and it will get easier.
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Not sure
Dec 18, 2020 22:36:55 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Dec 18, 2020 22:36:55 GMT
rye8, the "me" mindset is just a reflection of a triggered state, no matter the insecure attachment style. It's very difficult to work anything out with a partner who triggers you a lot, and dating an insecure person can trigger an even secure person to have insecure-type responses. I wasn't implying it wasn't warranted, but pointing out that if the trust issues are so severe that you're unable to put the relationship rumination on hold if he's legitimately dealing with grief, then there's nothing healthy to salvage. He's had lots of chances, and his prior responses to you have led to your being fed up now. I agree to not be too hard on yourself as you walk away from this. Once this is all done and you've grieved, it may be helpful to focus on yourself to build yourself back up and figure out why you put up with a bad situation for so long, so you don't repeat and get stuck again with a new partner when you eventually look to start dating again. You deserve better than a situation with no real foundation of trust.
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