Differences FA-AP

Thanks for sharing! For the most part I think I am pretty secure but my last relationship with what I assume was FA made me pretty anxious at times. I hadn't ever experienced anything like that. She certainly made me overthink a lot more than I normally do. My behavior was pretty consistent through out while hers was pretty inconsistent. Two FA together does sound like a big mess! 

She knows her tendencies and is somewhat self-aware. But without the knowledge of AT she doesn't know what is really going on. I don't think I could have done anything different for a better outcome. 

I'm glad you are self-aware and are working towards secure!

Wow! Very insightful to get your perspective on your thought process. I think her thought process might have be similar. Easier for her not to deal that love and retreat back to her safe space. Thinking about conversations with her I can now see where her fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment would swing back and forth. One day she would say "I hope you never breakup with me" to not responding/or slow response to texts. She kept me off balance for sure. 

So Gus, in summary, avoidants (FA/DA) will almost always manage to shake a secure person to the core and break them down eventually into being insecure. Usually the distancing behaviours of avoidants is the culprit here. Distancing and relationships doesn't belong in the same sentence. 

Relationships with avoidants that is not going through therapy will almost certainly not end well. You can cling on for all you like, they will always find a reason to dump you. Having kids or no kids doesn't make a difference at all. Oh actually it does, having kids means you life is ruined being a man. 

Don't delve into yourself. The only summary you can derive here is - you're secure. You're driven into anxiety by the extremely confusing flip flopping of an FA. And why you stayed, is because of FA dangling the carrot. Its called "False flag" strategy and have been used by pirates in the Caribbean for centuries - they fly a friendly flag and innocent victims won't know they're going to get jumped till its too late.  

But if your times were all so positive,…..then what are you trying to learn?  Because that relationship is behind you now.

There has been a lot of blame in your posts towards her which I am trying to understand.  And what appears to be a complete shift, is oftentimes a case of doubts that are not expressed due to abhorring conflict…so there is often just sweeping positive statements with underlying concerns.  I have secure friends and they have been able to see how they may have held too tightly onto words versus actions or missed crucial red flags…they used the time after the break up to reflect on changes that they wanted to make within themselves…which is why I was posing the question to you.

All I was trying to point out is that is wasn’t necessarily a shift….I have been in relationships where I had doubts, but because I did not want to hurt the guy’s feelings and I did not trust my own feelings….I held on and kept saying nice things.  And i am not saying it was because of you…if that is her pattern to end things….then that is her telling you who she is.  I am sure she probably hoped at the beginning that things would be different.  But a partner cannot heal attachment wounds.