|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 18, 2021 14:08:58 GMT
I’ve probably taken probably 300 tests over the years; and I’m always amazed that I’ve stayed squarely in the FA quadrant and moved out of it only by a few points towards secure and DA. So while it’s not helpful to put yourself in a box it’s always humbling for me to see where I’m at and how much work there is still to be done. 😳 I tried to take the test…but I did not get the % sent to me. 🤔
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Aug 18, 2021 14:11:51 GMT
Oh, the Diane Poole Heller one? Yes, I think they give you the results when you just finish it, but when they send you the email it’s about your main attachment type. Which I’m sure we are all in the secure quadrant if only by a few points. Phew, there is that! 😅
|
|
|
Post by john1234 on Aug 18, 2021 17:00:29 GMT
I agree I have no idea what my attachment style really is as I believe anne12 said to be really tested it takes a professional and lots of testing. I do know that I never ghost. Never runaway. I always want to fix a problem immediately if there is one. I have never deactivated. I believe I do push people away when I feel disrespected but not like you would imagine. More like with words. Passive aggressive words that I think cut deep and maybe that has some avoidant in it. But I don’t want them to go away. I’m don’t feel weak by being vulnerable. But I do feel weak that I put more effort in almost all of my relationships. So then I do back off and try and not show too much effort. Is that avoidant? Maybe it is. As I stated above when the breakup happens I fall apart. I obsess. I will do anything short of stalking. I will write long mushy letters. Reading them from an outside perspective one might say the letter is mixed a sort of push pull as I tell the partner how great they are but also how they don’t try hard enough or as hard as me. So maybe you are right. I do know this. I wish more than anything that she would come back. She seems fine not being in the relationship. But maybe that is all an act from her I don’t think it is tho. See I feel even obsessing in my brain if she is hurting is anxious. I shouldn’t even care. She broke it off with me. But I’m still pining away in my head and not to her as I don’t want to look pitiful. I hope that makes sense or not I’m rambling it’s early where I live. Thanks for the insight. Hey John…..I am not a therapist…..but, what you are describing sounds like AP protest behaviors to me. There is a difference between protest behaviors and avoidance. In my case, I truly do not want the other person’s attention because of distrust and feel like they will engulf me with their needs. Because I tend to chose men who are avoidant leaning men, I tend to do all the behaviors you talk about. In fact, when the last guy I dated broke up with me and then he started to come back to the community we met at, I went so far as befriending all the women he would talk to….telling them how much I still loved him etc in a desperate ploy to win him back. Caring is not the issue John…it is a lovely trait and I hope you view it that way. I still care about B, but I realize that all the stories that I have obsessed over are just that…..stories that I created. Truthfully I had and have no idea what is going on with B and I have decided that is best because his life, his choices etc have no reflection on me. It hurts when someone you invest love in decides that you are not the right fit…and even though people say it isn’t personal…it sure feels that way. Question for you…..was there ever a time in your childhood that you invested love in either or both parents and felt that they rejected that love (did not reciprocate it)? Perhaps you could spend some time with that question. Write down any event that comes to mind regardless of trivial or small it seems. Oh yeah. He never showed love. He beat me. He bullied me. I was petrified of him. I believe he at the very least had narcissistic traits. And yes I tried to get his love. My mother was an angel but had a lot of issues.
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 18, 2021 18:58:50 GMT
I’ve probably taken probably 300 tests over the years; and I’m always amazed that I’ve stayed squarely in the FA quadrant and moved out of it only by a few points towards secure and DA. So while it’s not helpful to put yourself in a box it’s always humbling for me to see where I’m at and how much work there is still to be done. 😳 Don't be too frustrated. I didn't start testing until after I had already started unknowingly doing a lot of the work (I never knew enough at the time to say, and now I'm actively earning secure! That was all words I learned in retrospect). But when I did, I sat in the same spot for a very long time then suddenly started moving all at once. Be proud of the movements you have made. Shifting towards more secure and DA means you're seeing some progress addressing the anxious / insecure distrustful of self side, and it all helps.
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 18, 2021 19:00:34 GMT
tnr9, annieb is right. The graph breakout on Poole Heller should appear on the web page when you scroll down right after providing an email address.
|
|