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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 19:14:02 GMT
Hello Earlier this year I went through a break up and I've had time of over 7 or so months to process it all. But it seems that currently, I've been frequently catching myself framing relationships and sometimes even friendships in ways I have not done before. I've chalked it up to a mood on certain days, but there seems to be a pattern forming here where I'm almost unconsciously blocking new connections from happening - both romantic and budding friendships, as well as a general isolation or withdrawal from the people already in my life (for reference I've cut off maybe 2 or so friends in the past few months). When self reflecting on these decisions, the answer I give myself is I'm "better off" without them for the most part. In short, I feel myself leaning more and more toward avoidant tendencies and I'd like to know how most of you practice self awareness exercises when it comes to thoughts you know aren't necessarily true/exaggerations of reality, since my methods don't seem to be achieving what they used to.
Thanks!
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Post by alexandra on Sept 22, 2021 19:46:35 GMT
Are these new or existing connections healthy and you're pushing them away? Or are they actually toxic people and you're more securely protecting your boundaries and avoiding engaging in more anxious-avoidant trap situations now that you recognize the dynamic? If this is happening for a reason, and not just because you're projecting unrelated issues onto other people, it's not necessarily unhealthy and may be a strengthening of your previously unhealthy AP boundaries. If it's happening solely for a feeling of self-protection, I'll push them away before they reject me even though they've given me no actual indication that there is an issue, then it's an avoidance problem.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 20:57:51 GMT
Hey alexandra. Thanks for your reply. I would say I've been primarily secure for over 4 years or so now and healthy boundaries are pretty well set between me and others. It's only recently that these thinking patterns have arisen (around 5 or so months ago) and they do include pushing away non-toxic people and dynamics. My reasoning is, "well I'll lose interest in them later anyway, why waste my time?" or quite unrealistically most times "They have xyz as a flaw and thats a dealbreaker" and I really do feel guilt for thinking this. I'm just hoping to help resolve this early, so it doesn't entrench itself into thinking patterns further. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 21:30:03 GMT
Hello Earlier this year I went through a break up and I've had time of over 7 or so months to process it all. But it seems that currently, I've been frequently catching myself framing relationships and sometimes even friendships in ways I have not done before. I've chalked it up to a mood on certain days, but there seems to be a pattern forming here where I'm almost unconsciously blocking new connections from happening - both romantic and budding friendships, as well as a general isolation or withdrawal from the people already in my life (for reference I've cut off maybe 2 or so friends in the past few months). When self reflecting on these decisions, the answer I give myself is I'm "better off" without them for the most part. In short, I feel myself leaning more and more toward avoidant tendencies and I'd like to know how most of you practice self awareness exercises when it comes to thoughts you know aren't necessarily true/exaggerations of reality, since my methods don't seem to be achieving what they used to.
Thanks!
You seem self aware, so no need (in my opinion) to keep focusing on that. Self awareness easily becomes self regulation if you know what I mean. As a DA I'm all about taking care of and monitoring myself and yes that in itself can become a form of avoidance. Tricky stuff. What I have found actually transforms me is to take awareness off myself and on to the needs of other people, it wakes up empathy and connection. No need to date the person you don't want to date or hang out with a pal you really aren't into, if you aren't inclined. But connect to PEOPLE. Volunteer, make bread pudding for your elderly neighbors, do something kind for someone. Connect in a way that has you considering someone else. Also, awareness isn't much without action and sometimes it's helpful to "act as if.". i have a very strong NO when it comes to committing time , it's automatic. But you could stretch yourself and ask a friend to lunch. It won't kill you. They may appreciate it, need a perk up themselves. Might appreciate the gesture. And it can soothe the longing for avoidance to actually try to connect in a way that's manageable and comfortable for you. Other words, do the opposite. In platonic situations only- don't fake a date because that's mind fuckery. But people you actually have some altruism for or connection to that is healthy- actively connect as a matter of choice because awareness plus choice is how change happens. I feel you though. Been there most of my life and actually didn't mind it at the time. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 21:36:53 GMT
Also! Getting massage helped me climb into connection more. Being touched by a person, in a way that was relaxing and wanted. Made me feel some kind of belonging.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 22, 2021 21:52:55 GMT
I think if this is also coming up because you're trying to meet new people for dating, it means you're not ready to jump back into that again yet, and that's okay. Which may mean starting with a focus on existing friends and what introvert is suggesting and not taking on new connections yet with specific anticipation of them being romantic. When I was recovering from bad breakups, I'd check in every couple months, maybe go on dates with a couple new people, and if I wasn't feeling open then I'd focus on other things instead and try again 2-3 months later and gauge my own availability. Rinse and repeat if it wasn't time yet, not get hard on myself about it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 22:37:01 GMT
Hello Earlier this year I went through a break up and I've had time of over 7 or so months to process it all. But it seems that currently, I've been frequently catching myself framing relationships and sometimes even friendships in ways I have not done before. I've chalked it up to a mood on certain days, but there seems to be a pattern forming here where I'm almost unconsciously blocking new connections from happening - both romantic and budding friendships, as well as a general isolation or withdrawal from the people already in my life (for reference I've cut off maybe 2 or so friends in the past few months). When self reflecting on these decisions, the answer I give myself is I'm "better off" without them for the most part. In short, I feel myself leaning more and more toward avoidant tendencies and I'd like to know how most of you practice self awareness exercises when it comes to thoughts you know aren't necessarily true/exaggerations of reality, since my methods don't seem to be achieving what they used to.
Thanks!
You seem self aware, so no need (in my opinion) to keep focusing on that. Self awareness easily becomes self regulation if you know what I mean. As a DA I'm all about taking care of and monitoring myself and yes that in itself can become a form of avoidance. Tricky stuff. What I have found actually transforms me is to take awareness off myself and on to the needs of other people, it wakes up empathy and connection. No need to date the person you don't want to date or hang out with a pal you really aren't into, if you aren't inclined. But connect to PEOPLE. Volunteer, make bread pudding for your elderly neighbors, do something kind for someone. Connect in a way that has you considering someone else. Also, awareness isn't much without action and sometimes it's helpful to "act as if.". i have a very strong NO when it comes to committing time , it's automatic. But you could stretch yourself and ask a friend to lunch. It won't kill you. They may appreciate it, need a perk up themselves. Might appreciate the gesture. And it can soothe the longing for avoidance to actually try to connect in a way that's manageable and comfortable for you. Other words, do the opposite. In platonic situations only- don't fake a date because that's mind fuckery. But people you actually have some altruism for or connection to that is healthy- actively connect as a matter of choice because awareness plus choice is how change happens. I feel you though. Been there most of my life and actually didn't mind it at the time. "Awareness plus choice is how change happens" very true. I suppose I should take baby steps with it to ease myself back to where I was. It's almost like I'm experiencing an "emotional burnout" of sorts minus the depression. Thanks for your tips, you've brought my attention back to volunteering. I've been meaning to get back into that again!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 22:42:25 GMT
I think if this is also coming up because you're trying to meet new people for dating, it means you're not ready to jump back into that again yet, and that's okay. Which may mean starting with a focus on existing friends and what introvert is suggesting and not taking on new connections yet with specific anticipation of them being romantic. When I was recovering from bad breakups, I'd check in every couple months, maybe go on dates with a couple new people, and if I wasn't feeling open then I'd focus on other things instead and try again 2-3 months later and gauge my own availability. Rinse and repeat if it wasn't time yet, not get hard on myself about it. Definitely not interested in any sort of romantic arrangement right now when I really think about it, seems too exhausting and almost a burden at the moment. I'll definitely try to nurture what connections I do have presently.
Thanks for all the replies so far, they're pulling me out of these feedback loops I've created in my head lately, haha
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2021 4:50:41 GMT
You seem self aware, so no need (in my opinion) to keep focusing on that. Self awareness easily becomes self regulation if you know what I mean. As a DA I'm all about taking care of and monitoring myself and yes that in itself can become a form of avoidance. Tricky stuff. What I have found actually transforms me is to take awareness off myself and on to the needs of other people, it wakes up empathy and connection. No need to date the person you don't want to date or hang out with a pal you really aren't into, if you aren't inclined. But connect to PEOPLE. Volunteer, make bread pudding for your elderly neighbors, do something kind for someone. Connect in a way that has you considering someone else. Also, awareness isn't much without action and sometimes it's helpful to "act as if.". i have a very strong NO when it comes to committing time , it's automatic. But you could stretch yourself and ask a friend to lunch. It won't kill you. They may appreciate it, need a perk up themselves. Might appreciate the gesture. And it can soothe the longing for avoidance to actually try to connect in a way that's manageable and comfortable for you. Other words, do the opposite. In platonic situations only- don't fake a date because that's mind fuckery. But people you actually have some altruism for or connection to that is healthy- actively connect as a matter of choice because awareness plus choice is how change happens. I feel you though. Been there most of my life and actually didn't mind it at the time. "Awareness plus choice is how change happens" very true. I suppose I should take baby steps with it to ease myself back to where I was. It's almost like I'm experiencing an "emotional burnout" of sorts minus the depression. Thanks for your tips, you've brought my attention back to volunteering. I've been meaning to get back into that again!
Yeah, you really have to watch the slide into isolation and avoidance if that's your tendency. It's too easy. In my experience it's good to get out of your head and into your body somehow, and do the opposite of what you feel in small ways that are gentle to yourself. Baby steps is right but I feel great about those steps after I do them. Connecting with humans on some level is important because it can help remind your instinctive self that you belong to a family. In my case, realizing a sense of belonging to the human family was good enough and like a revelation. It was very soothing in the absence of the feeling of belonging in an actual family family. It was part of my experience that changed me. Volunteering is excellent for that. |
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