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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2021 19:07:20 GMT
It seems possible and perhaps hopeful that not everyone sees me as as much of a disappointment as I feel. That it's just a perception based in my conditioning. In that case the problem seems easier to resolve. I've been working on my self talk, I knew it wasn't good but now it's very clear that this is a very important piece.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2021 20:05:04 GMT
It seems too much to hope for that I could get the weight of that off of me, but I think it's possible considering all the really kind people I have in my life now. I'm really a mess today.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 17, 2021 20:13:44 GMT
@introvert, I'd also recommend focusing on staying present. While it's good to plan for your future and being true to yourself, it seems to me in what you wrote that there's a fair amount of skipping ahead and scanning for threats that haven't happened yet and may never happen. You can trust both yourself and your partner that if those issues do start to come up, you'll deal with them as they come. But the worrying you're doing now seems more tied to the past than to the present, and jumping to the future takes you out of the present as well. I'm a future planner for sure but there's a difference between prudence and insecure-based control issues that keep you anywhere but the present (not to be taken as harsh, just pointing out from experience).
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2021 21:58:12 GMT
@introvert , I'd also recommend focusing on staying present. While it's good to plan for your future and being true to yourself, it seems to me in what you wrote that there's a fair amount of skipping ahead and scanning for threats that haven't happened yet and may never happen. You can trust both yourself and your partner that if those issues do start to come up, you'll deal with them as they come. But the worrying you're doing now seems more tied to the past than to the present, and jumping to the future takes you out of the present as well. I'm a future planner for sure but there's a difference between prudence and insecure-based control issues that keep you anywhere but the present (not to be taken as harsh, just pointing out from experience). I absolutely agree, and it's interesting because it highlights a particular concern that I have that I need to communicate with him about. My lifestyle, prior to relationship, is very present focused, relaxed, and actually pretty mindful. That's part of the time I fear losing... the down time, the present moments just being. He is very goal-driven and adhd, always on to the next thing. His entrepreneurial ventures involve a lot of speculation and future planning. It's been an adjustment to his energy and lifestyle- and honestly because of the nature of his income, it's necessary to adapt around that a bit. And the payoff is great too, I cannot complain about the experiences it affords us. But I do need more of my energy in our lifestyle- the slowing down, just being, no rush, no go here and there. Sometimes. I have introduced him to some of the experiences that I've always enjoyed as a part of autoregulation. He's enjoyed that. But demands take over. So, I feel I do need to have a conversation about my needs surrounding that, it's not all in my head, I do feel an (unintentional) threat to my well-being and my way of life. The thing about this process is I haven't been able to pinpoint and verbalize what my feelings and fears are. This anxiety has arisen in me unbidden, it's just been eating me. So there is that fear of engulfment in my wiring but also, I need to speak to him about what's really important for me to thrive and feel like myself. I need balance. I appreciate the energy and excitement he has brought to my life but it can be overwhelming and I need to keep balance. It seems some important things are coming out of sharing here and I truly appreciate the feedback you guys. I've had a hard time nailing down what this anxiety is. Also I don't feel it like anxiety and more of an unnamed dread that is formless so it helps to hash it out. I actually feel better (but a little uncomfortable ) "talking it out" here.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2021 5:43:08 GMT
I told him I'm having a hard time today, and shared my feeling that I feel I always disappoint, let people down. He was very compassionate and said I do nothing of the sort, and offered a big hug and a back rub. He says I'm hard on myself, and I know that can be true but it gets confusing when your feelings of inadequacy or guilt over mistakes eats at you. I often feel "other".
I also shared the particular pain of letting my team down when I don't compete well. I know it's because of HSP issues. If I have to wait through a lot of other matches I get overwhelmed finally with too much of everything, honestly, and I do poorly. So I reached out to my captain and explained and asked if he could accommodate me by scheduling my matches first or second before I get overwhelmed and he was actually very supportive! It makes sense to him, he's seen me at my best and worst and said it's good to know how to support me. That felt amazing. He was super nice, and it really made me feel great.
My partner is very happy with our relationship. I know he does about my needs once he understands them so I will tell him what makes me feel nervous about the busy future and I'm pretty sure he will be encouraging and supportive there as well. Today was emotionally intense so I will save it for another time.
I know I've done a lot of writing in a short time, 24 very productive hours here. I've been really struggling with old tapes as of late and sharing it here helped me understand. So thanks again.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2021 15:50:49 GMT
Chatting with my DA best friend this morning, we were talking about the power of our thoughts especially in what we think and say internally to ourselves. We agreed as friends to be mindful of our self talk and to change it, and to support each other in doing so. We also agreed that taking it a step further and encouraging ourselves and saying what we are thankful for out loud will be a new practice. She said she read that by expressing your gratitude out loud you can actually change your brain chemistry. I believe that could be true.
We want to do no harm, to ourselves or others. I know it's a lofty goal but we are going to make it a point to grow that direction, as friends. I'm really thankful for this friendship.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2021 19:41:16 GMT
I'm using this thread as a way to kind of record my progress and also to get my thoughts out of my head and out in the universe I guess. I think I'm doing a healthy mix of reaching out for support and also a good amount of self-support which I need in heavier doses than other types perhaps. I shared *some of my emotional stress with my boyfriend and also reached out to my captain, and you all of course. I feel REALLY a lot better having received the support from those I asked for help.
Today I took the day off to relax and be quiet most of the day by myself, I'm eating really nourishing things, took a nice pampering bath, and I'm going to do some work on a creative project. I've been in touch with my boyfriend this morning and it's been mutually sweet. I'll go see him later today, but I'm prioritizing my own down time first and it's what I need.
I can see that I was pretty triggered by the concerns I had, and they are things I need to be aware of and address with new coping. I will be talking with my boyfriend about the other piece, the things I need to feel like I'm not losing myself and abandoning my needs. I don't have any reason to think that conversation won't go well, and I feel relaxed now going into it instead of protective and defensive.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2021 5:47:24 GMT
In some quiet time this evening, after spending some quality time with my boyfriend, I was reflecting on this cycle of deactivation and what I discovered.
I didn't realize before now that when I deactivate and internally judge, reject, and pull away from others emotionally, I am also simultaneously judging, rejecting, and pulling away from myself.
I discovered that by identifying the deep feeling of disappointing others, and then I strung together all the negative self talk that runs in my head that I hardly seem to notice because I then turn the volume down on EVERYTHING. Im not sure that makes sense, to anyone but me. But when I deactivate I cut myself off from everyone including me. It's not always severe, there may be just tinges of it going on, or in a particular hardship I may shut down hard.
At the core of it all, must be existential shame?
Anyway, I was pondering this and it changed something in me. The conversation I had with my bff was very affirming of our goodness, and I also want to respond to negative internal feelings about my partner (those critical little thoughts and fault findings that go with deactivation) by affirming his goodness. Awareness of this means I can do it, and even the want to do it changes me.
It's not that I deactivate hard and often, but maybe one day I won't internally push away either him or myself. I don't expect perfection or sainthood, I just want to be stronger where I can be, healthier and more resilient, less threatened. It all takes time, I've learned to trust others WAY more than I ever imagined possible or desirable. I feel a lot safer and "a part of " than I ever imagined possible too. Most of the times not all of the time.
On the other hand, there was something to pay attention to as well, it was my need to ask for what I need. That is legitimate. I wouldn't have recognized that before, in years past, and wouldn't have known what to do with it. Being unable to trust and be vulnerable I would have had to just live with the deactivation and let it have its way.
Just organizing my thoughts a bit.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2021 15:17:48 GMT
In some quiet time this evening, after spending some quality time with my boyfriend, I was reflecting on this cycle of deactivation and what I discovered. I didn't realize before now that when I deactivate and internally judge, reject, and pull away from others emotionally, I am also simultaneously judging, rejecting, and pulling away from myself. I discovered that by identifying the deep feeling of disappointing others, and then I strung together all the negative self talk that runs in my head that I hardly seem to notice because I then turn the volume down on EVERYTHING. Im not sure that makes sense, to anyone but me. But when I deactivate I cut myself off from everyone including me. It's not always severe, there may be just tinges of it going on, or in a particular hardship I may shut down hard. At the core of it all, must be existential shame? Anyway, I was pondering this and it changed something in me. The conversation I had with my bff was very affirming of our goodness, and I also want to respond to negative internal feelings about my partner (those critical little thoughts and fault findings that go with deactivation) by affirming his goodness. Awareness of this means I can do it, and even the want to do it changes me. It's not that I deactivate hard and often, but maybe one day I won't internally push away either him or myself. I don't expect perfection or sainthood, I just want to be stronger where I can be, healthier and more resilient, less threatened. It all takes time, I've learned to trust others WAY more than I ever imagined possible or desirable. I feel a lot safer and "a part of " than I ever imagined possible too. Most of the times not all of the time. On the other hand, there was something to pay attention to as well, it was my need to ask for what I need. That is legitimate. I wouldn't have recognized that before, in years past, and wouldn't have known what to do with it. Being unable to trust and be vulnerable I would have had to just live with the deactivation and let it have its way. Just organizing my thoughts a bit. Hi @introvert….sounds like you have made great progress in delving into this….I too find that when I pull away from others…I too am pulling away from myself. I call it my lack of tools time and it is when I am most likely to want to watch tv or find another distraction. I think there is some root questioning in everyone…but I think how we treated as children can increase our moments of shame. I also agree that affirming myself in these moments decreases their severity and how long they last. It also is great that you can share this with your partner and he is able to affirm you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2021 15:39:04 GMT
In some quiet time this evening, after spending some quality time with my boyfriend, I was reflecting on this cycle of deactivation and what I discovered. I didn't realize before now that when I deactivate and internally judge, reject, and pull away from others emotionally, I am also simultaneously judging, rejecting, and pulling away from myself. I discovered that by identifying the deep feeling of disappointing others, and then I strung together all the negative self talk that runs in my head that I hardly seem to notice because I then turn the volume down on EVERYTHING. Im not sure that makes sense, to anyone but me. But when I deactivate I cut myself off from everyone including me. It's not always severe, there may be just tinges of it going on, or in a particular hardship I may shut down hard. At the core of it all, must be existential shame? Anyway, I was pondering this and it changed something in me. The conversation I had with my bff was very affirming of our goodness, and I also want to respond to negative internal feelings about my partner (those critical little thoughts and fault findings that go with deactivation) by affirming his goodness. Awareness of this means I can do it, and even the want to do it changes me. It's not that I deactivate hard and often, but maybe one day I won't internally push away either him or myself. I don't expect perfection or sainthood, I just want to be stronger where I can be, healthier and more resilient, less threatened. It all takes time, I've learned to trust others WAY more than I ever imagined possible or desirable. I feel a lot safer and "a part of " than I ever imagined possible too. Most of the times not all of the time. On the other hand, there was something to pay attention to as well, it was my need to ask for what I need. That is legitimate. I wouldn't have recognized that before, in years past, and wouldn't have known what to do with it. Being unable to trust and be vulnerable I would have had to just live with the deactivation and let it have its way. Just organizing my thoughts a bit. Hi @introvert….sounds like you have made great progress in delving into this….I too find that when I pull away from others…I too am pulling away from myself. I call it my lack of tools time and it is when I am most likely to want to watch tv or find another distraction. I think there is some root questioning in everyone…but I think how we treated as children can increase our moments of shame. I also agree that affirming myself in these moments decreases their severity and how long they last. It also is great that you can share this with your partner and he is able to affirm you. It's so awesome to share all this! Thank you for chiming in. It's so strange that I can hear someone talk about this kind of stuff and not really understand until I have the personal experience... now I get it. I mean I've spoken to myself in gentle ways to get through issues before but I'm learning all kinds of new ways to use this powerful tool. I never realized that during deactivation is when I need that most. And I want to see if I can consciously bring to mind my partner's wonderful traits that I am thankful for when I start to have the critical pushing away thoughts during triggers. Move toward instead of away emotionally. Change the script. It seems like it would help me recall the trust and care between us and make it natural to approach him with worries, needs, or even boundaries in a healthy and open way. Remembering that he is my true partner. I feel very fortunate to have the opportunities that I have to evolve, and it doesn't escape me that it's the people around me making it possible. I couldn't do it on my own. Life really is much better connected and belonging.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2021 23:18:34 GMT
annieb your comment about the feeling of disappointing others being heartbreaking is what made me realize my heart was breaking so thank you for that compassion.
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Post by mrob on Jan 10, 2022 14:59:04 GMT
I hope you can see how far you’ve come, @introvert. This is the most beautiful thing to watch. This is what makes being in this community truly worth it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2022 23:14:39 GMT
I hope you can see how far you’ve come, @introvert. This is the most beautiful thing to watch. This is what makes being in this community truly worth it. Thank you mrob, I think I've come quite a ways... I look back at where I was when I met him and I kind of can't believe I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it, and it feels good. My boyfriend and I talked about the changes over time, and while he knows it's not all on me he does agree that I am very different. Some of that of course, was learning about HSP and learning how live with that in a more integrated and connected way. I still ponder how the two issues reinforced each other. I really believe that being HSP exacerbated my avoidance due to overwhelm. I get a lot out of the community as well. I like the connection. It seems you have come a long way as well. How are you?
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