Post-relationship anxieties

midnight77, your concerns have been echoed by other APs and FAs on this forum for sure. I can't find all the threads where I know I've seen people discuss this, but I can find this one which you may find helpful: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3192/living-limerence

I'm also going to copy and paste something I wrote last year in my thread chronicling what it was like to date as earned secure after AP (https://jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1723/trying-date-first-earned-secure page 3). It's all still true in my relationship, over a year after I wrote the post:

"The other thing I've noticed is sometimes people on the forum worry that if they themselves become more secure they'll no longer feel sparks for others (because the anxious-avoidant pairing can come with strong sparks of attraction) and instead will feel bored in life. This has not been a problem at all! We have lots of sparks and really enjoy each other's company. It's different than in my past relationships with avoidants because there's no "longing." But that doesn't mean I don't miss him when he's not around, it's just in a way that's not insatiable. So, instead of needing another person to soothe my anxiety, give me value and purpose, obsess about, it's more like... I'm fine on my own, and being alone is fine. But it is even better and happier when he's around. So I would like him to be around when he's not, but if that's not possible it's fine too, I'll just go do whatever it is I need to do anyway and slightly miss him at times but generally not be thinking much about it. And certainly not be overwhelmed thinking about him. Just generally being happy either way, and glad he exists and is living his life, too. So, the sparks are still there, but general level of life satisfaction is much higher than it has been in past rocky and longing-filled relationships."

I stand by that it will feel different but you will not turn love "off." You just won't be triggered as much if at all (the less you're triggered, the better a sign it is you have a partner who is a good fit). I used to feel like I never was that interested in people or connected well romantically, except the rare times when I REALLY did. Except in retrospect, every one of those times was with an avoidant who I was doing an anxious-avoidant dance with. I could pick them out sometimes with barely any words! I always knew subconsciously somehow, and it was exhilarating until it was devastating. That was indeed very deeply rooted in my insecure attachment issues and relationship with myself, and an unhealthy approach to how I thought relationships were supposed to look (which was, in a word, dysfunctional).

Because FA have less stable senses of identity, not being triggered in one direction or another can feel kind of like... nothing. So again, I can understand your concern at this point because you haven't experienced the alternative yet. But I encourage you to keep an open mind to the entire process. It may not come quickly, but there are different and healthier ways of relating and connecting out there which become possible with all the boundaries, communication, attachment work, and healing the relationship to self. Now that I'm emotionally available, my interest in many different types of people and ability to connect with them has increased as well. Though I'm perfectly happy in my relationship and not looking elsewhere, my scarcity mentality about partners and connections is gone and I experienced that a bit the year that I was dating before I met my boyfriend.

Thanks everyone for your view on this! Every answer is much appreciated and always gives me perspective