Secure but.... strange experience with dismissive avoidant

I guess finding someone with whom I felt an emotional, physical and intellectual connection. At least one of the three tends to be missing for me.

I suspect this experience was just "activated attachment" combined with some sort of external validation.

I've not experienced this before. It is quite confusing.

Clearly in this case the emotional connection turned out to be false, but it was very convincing

The accusation of pursuing a fantasy whilst being unreceptive to something real but not immediately "blown away" is certainly something I've been asking myself after this latest experience.

I was blown away but it was an illusion, in the end.

I'm re-evaluating a lot of things right now. I thought I'd crystallised what I wanted through a process of experiencing things I didn't want, but apparently I'm not there yet. I certainly can't handle dismissive avoidant behaviour

The answer is yes. An avoidant can cause another person to feel anxious. Someone AP can cause someone secure to feel avoidant. I think the literature often has it backwards. A lot of it does suggest the insecure person must find a secure partner to model healthy interactions for them, and that is the easiest way to become more secure. My opinion is, someone in earnest interested in changing and healing themselves will do better with a secure partner in the sense that the partner will not trigger and distract them and add to the problem, leaving enough space for the insecure person to work on getting more secure if they so choose. But the partner being secure on its own does not "fix" the insecure partner, and more often an insecure partner may establish a secure attachment with the secure partner without actually changing their overall attachment style in general. Or, what you experienced will happen, which is that the person is so insecure that the secure partner feels off and eventually needs to walk away and heal from the experience.

Again, it's not impossible for an insecure person to improve and earn secure with a more secure partner, but they need to want to and be open to growth and change, and not everyone is ready or willing. So your experience makes sense. More often, when there's a big change towards secure, a person who has started growing already will start to gravitate towards more secure partners because they are ready for that kind of dynamic, rather than the secure partner inspired them to start the process.

I actually know someone who shares your issue. The person tests secure and is in theory secure and is aware of attachment theory and goes to therapy, but had weird childhood circumstances and is kind of primed to be attracted to insecure people who remind them of it. They really struggle with feeling attracted to other secure people and establishing stable relationships though don't want to be with someone emotionally unavailable and now choose to leave those situations. So there ends up being an idea of an unattainable fantasy (yearn for an attraction, experiencing something different), and that's one case I can't fully crack. I've apparently helped but they have been at work trying to figure this out for a couple years and still aren't there yet. I sometimes wonder if I have pulled out all the insight and there's nothing more to it than the person isn't actually ready to get there yet and be settled down yet no matter what they say (actions and words not aligned), though they've shown growth in that direction for a while so maybe they are getting there.

Sometimes you just need to be patient with yourself as you learn and figure things out because it does take time, though not BS yourself in order to let yourself off the hook.

I think it is also about values and priorities. That person prioritizes the intensity and connection of physical intimacy. Wants strong intellectual and emotional connection (and values it in people in general), yet still chooses overwhelming physical attraction every time. That as the primary driver doesn't tend to translate to the best relationships as people spend the majority of their time outside of the bedroom. Now that person is examining more about why that is the priority (versus it existing together in balance with the other types of connections) if it's not making them happy. There's still some healing the past and working on the current relationship with yourself stuff going on in these cases, in my opinion. There's a reason you'll be choosing something that isn't working, and it may mean introspecting through a lot of layers to figure out what underlying needs you're actually trying to get met by another person and why and if the expectations (and perhaps the tradeoffs in prioritizing certain things over other things) are reasonable.

I'm not advocating settling or discounting the physical attraction aspect in this example being important btw, but I don't usually see people happily fulfilled longer-term in situations where physical attraction is the entire basis. In my own experiences included.

It appears anne12 has answered your question. Best of luck!

Yes, it’s possible. I have a secure attachment style (and can lean DA when I’m single) and I developed anxious attachment traits when I began dating a man who’s on the DA spectrum. Like you, I recognized that I didn’t feel like myself and I ended the relationship. I also don’t buy the notion that a secure person can make an avoidant less avoidant. That’s internal work they need therapy to mediate.