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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2022 20:32:09 GMT
Yeah, it will be tough but one day at a time. If a partner won't honor sinple requests in the future, take that as a red flag. I don't know what your requests were but if they were reasonable, an available partner would be able to acknowledge and either communicate about them or find a way to meet you where you're at with a need. It doesn't sound like it was consistently good and consistency is a key component of a relationship with a solid foundation, as well. Best of luck going forward!
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Post by alexandra on Jan 15, 2022 20:38:10 GMT
Sometimes, especially with insecure attachment styles, it does take a long time to really see the full reality of the situation. I have read (but can't cite, it was years ago) that the anxious-avoidant trap longer term relationships average 2 or 2.5 years. I think, as I mentioned earlier, that this is in part due to the amount of time it takes the insecure's nervous system to really understand that the partner is becoming a long term fixture (this seems to happen to people anecdotally between 6 and 18 months, I've experienced it happening a couple times around 10-12 months), and then there's a power struggle for a while until things get bad enough for someone to end it. Adding in long distance can confuse it further and stretch out the timelines because you're not together consistently enough for this to activate as quickly.
So basically, she kept saying what she wanted to believe was true, because I'm sure she wanted the relationship to work in theory. I'm sure she was and/or wanted to be excited about moving. But when the time came for it to happen, her actions were opposite her words. Unfortunately it took 2 years to come up because of the circumstance, but that is the red flag you couldn't ignore about it being done and her not having the ability to follow through. Again, that's the important part. Now you've seen her character and you know. Which is when you switch to processing and healing and focusing on yourself to move forward (and I think you being no contact for at least a long while is a very good move for yourself, and it's great you recognize the space you need).
FWIW, I had a friend in a long distance relationship and that person also did a trial period, going there to be with the partner, before making a permanent move. Everything went well during that living together period, but very long term, the friend was very vocal about work and career being back home and eventually them returning there together. The friend had said this openly and directly for literally years, and the partner always said, sure sure. When it came time for my friend to move permanently after the trial went well, suddenly the partner said, I'm never going to want to move again. Friend had to move on, but did eventually, to someone with fewer obstacles and better, honest communication reciprocating the friend's openness.
My point here is even if your ex didn't flake out about the trial period, she may have done so after. It's hurtful and painful no matter what, but it's also better this happened before moving in together. I understand how disappointing and frustrating it was that her not moving in seems to create a what if? What if we had moved in together and had the opportunity to finally spend that time together and figure it out? But there really is no what if, because she couldn't follow through which means there was enough wrong (even if only her own baggage) that being together still may not have made it work out. Plus, it's typical in insecure trap relationships to feel "if only we got to this next step, we'd be happy" but to never actually seem to get there.
My only LDR that worked worked because he told me first thing that he was intending to move to my city regardless of if things worked out between us. That meant we had a mutual and realistic plan for next steps if we decided we wanted to be together, and no one felt it was obstacles or sacrifice, because we were actually aligned. When we got to the point that we got to know each other and were confident that we wanted to move forward, it was always mutual, same page, both taking equal initiative both in words and actions. No power struggle or confusion or temporary pulling away and disappearing. LDR can work, but I never had it work when layered over with insecure attachment issues. Having been in both situations, the tone is very, very different when someone is serious and consistent about making a serious commitment. There's no jumping through hoops or discussing a nice fantasy, there's actual things like "I'm applying for jobs where you live" and "I'm checking rent listings to get a better sense of what we can get and where on our budget."
None of that is intended to make you feel bad or like you missed something. It's food for thought. Especially spending most of my life as AP before earning secure, I didn't really understand or feel the difference myself until I experienced how it is with someone on the same team, without the power struggle, when everything feels right and the obstacles are all external to the relationship but the relationship itself is solid and there are no internal obstacles putting walls between us.
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Post by cws2022 on Jan 16, 2022 9:07:05 GMT
alexandra But that's the thing, am I seeing her true character or just her in a triggered, emotional, confused, impulsive state? Or are these elements of herself one in the same? That's why I am struggling with this. I understand that my AP tendencies under stress are who I am at the core regardless of whether stress caused me to act out in that way... so I guess that is my answer. But if the other 95% of the time I am a much more easy going person, then what is that really? I have things to work on for sure. But "normal, non-stressed" me could totally do the work on myself to control the "triggered" me. I look at this person I care for, these incongruities, and I cannot seem to square the fact that this person and I are in love and doing well (all things considered)... and then we suddenly are not. Surely an impulsive and emotional decision like this deserves more scrutiny? Before our relationship and friendship is tanked forever? I've known this person for 6.5 years... it isn't so easy for me to accept that this is the way things are. Or that it really is way things have to be. I'm going to stay in no-contact despite the pain and difficulty of being alone. I know I need to face these things within myself in order to move forward. And I want to have started and at least made small steps toward improvement before ever contacting her again. I do plan on sending her a handwritten letter between 4-6 weeks from now. If she never answers, that will be okay. But I will say the things I need to say and I will know that I made one last effort to reach out. I won't walk away from someone I love because they basically forced me to do so. She can't leave and tell herself a story about how I never cared anyway and I must hate her now. How I could never change, how she could never change and how it would never have worked out anyway. She'll have proof of the opposite, at least. It's hurtful and painful no matter what, but it's also better this happened before moving in together. I know you're right about this, too. What if this had gone further and the same thing had happened later? The devastation would only multiply. Shutting down, shutting me out, breaking up with me and cutting her trip short. Or maybe if we had carried on further, to engagement, or marriage, or me, dropping my entire life here and moving to her country only for her to do this - but then. If she had come here and we had never broken up... would I have found myself similarly inspired to research attachment theory in order to better understand myself, my partner and my relationship? Of course not. Because complacency makes you a fool. I assumed I knew everything. I assumed I could navigate this relationship and this person and myself without actually making an effort to understand. So in a way I am grateful for this series of horrific difficulties, even though I wish to hell that it had not happened this way and that we could have worked through this together. If there is any hope for us together, or ourselves as individuals, the key to our happiness in life will be working on these patterns within ourselves. Our relationship was working the way it was. Slightly dysfunctionally (although, show me a relationship without any dysfunction or difficulty...). Even if I had been 100% secure and unflappable, we may have found ourselves in this very same position at this very same moment. This break will be my opportunity to grow. I would hope for her sake that something about this situation spurs growth in her, as well. I know that's not often the case, but I wish that for her all the same. Side note: I was applying for jobs in her country earlier this year; have had alerts going to my inbox for months. I have been learning her language. That's where I was at. She had seen a counselor about her schooling and definitely made inquiries about studying abroad. So there was at least some effort made on her end. That didn't work out for logistical reasons so we changed the plan to be a three month vacation. Another side note: I was going through some of our old (ancient) messages today and I found this beautiful, dusty red flag (early 2016) I had long since forgotten about: "I've been with the same person for almost two years and just a couple of days ago my feelings just disappeared. I have no idea how to explain this to him."Now, to be fair, this guy was apparently abusive, controlling, and way into drugs. His family maintained that women should be obedient and subservient. I think she stayed with him for another year or so after sending this message to me. I don't remember exactly, but she shared a story about him suddenly acquiring a gun at some point and knowing that she had to leave or she would end up being seriously hurt or killed. She ended up leaving him and the entire situation one night when he was asleep and never seeing him again. So, this ex (her most recent, more than 5 years ago now) and I are nothing alike and who's to say how much this really applies to our breakup. But feelings "suddenly disappearing" does seem to be a pattern at the very least. My ex has had quite a bit of relationship trauma, starting with her first boyfriend and continued with the next. This will sound cliche but I really am the first person to date her that has not treated her like absolute trash. I know this as a fact, and I wasn't even there. She told me these things long before we ever dated. Although she never opened up about the really horrible details until we were maybe a year into our relationship. How could I be so naive to think she would be able to have a completely normal, securely functioning relationship after having had experiences like that? I guess I'll always be a slow learner. Seriously though, thank you for your comments, thoughts and continued support. I haven't ever had a truly healthy relationship... I mean, at least not secure-secure. Clearly I am part of that math. And I know now why I was so drawn to my ex and what I saw in her that was so magnetic. There's a big void now, where she used to be. We were far enough along that all of my plans for the future involved her. That's where I thought we were headed. Now I'm feeling a bit lost. I've got to figure out what I want, who I want to be and how to get there. I can do it on my own but I am going to miss her a lot.
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Post by cws2022 on Jan 16, 2022 9:24:13 GMT
Yeah, it will be tough but one day at a time. If a partner won't honor sinple requests in the future, take that as a red flag. I don't know what your requests were but if they were reasonable, an available partner would be able to acknowledge and either communicate about them or find a way to meet you where you're at with a need. It doesn't sound like it was consistently good and consistency is a key component of a relationship with a solid foundation, as well. Best of luck going forward! How much conflict means things are inconsistent, though? If we have 10 small arguments in 12 months, is that too much? I haven't gone back and counted. It's probably less... She's the kind of person to own up to it afterwards, apologize and try to do better. That's consistent, I would say. I apologize for my part in it, too. Even if I was right to be upset, being AP my reactions usually sucked / lacked tact and emotional intelligence. But yeah, it would be the same basic thing each time. Not being responsive, saying "yes" to something and now following through or a combination of the two. That's about it. But what I'm trying to say is... holy crap we were really good with each other 90% of the time and especially in person! Another reason why I am so confused and in so much distress at the thought of this breakup, and at the idea of losing this person forever. Thank you very much for your comments and the encouragement.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 16, 2022 9:30:49 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2022 11:26:46 GMT
I understand where you're at, and I once felt the exact same way about a long term FA ex. Blind siding breakups (yep, two of them) and confusion of feeling we were 90-95% compatible so why was it so hard. I'm going to reference two relevant comments I made on older threads with what I learned about that part. Last year reply (https://jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3075/confused-support): I would say to answer your question about connection it's largely culturally specific. You could say both him and I are part of a "subculture" or minority in our society so it is pretty hard to find someone with shared core values, worldview, and similar experiences while also being physically attractive to me. I can understand this perspective. One problem with major attachment style differences is it can feel like there's a very high % of compatibility, but the small % that's incompatible completely tanks the relationship, and "if only" these things could be different then everything would be wonderful. The truth is, even if it seems like a small %, it is actually some of the most important parts of a sustainable connection. Which means that core values and worldview aren't truly shared. And this is equally as important a consideration to a relationship's success as the shared cultural perspective and presumably family or societal pressure to find a partner with that shared cultural background and/or religious beliefs. What this translates to is, let's say 95% of the relationship feels like a match and strong connection but 5% doesn't work because of the attachment conflict. This is because your worldviews actually are quite different. If you are secure, then at your core, you have healthy boundaries and a healthy identity / sense of self, you trust both yourself and others appropriately, you are comfortable with independence and with interdependence. This is how you approach the world, which includes communication, conflict resolution, and coping with stress. If your partner is FA, they do not have healthy boundaries or a healthy identity / sense of self, they trust neither themselves nor others, they are uncomfortable with interdependence and possibly with independence. That is how they approach the world unless they seek to change themselves. It's not fair, they struggle because they were exposed to bad circumstances that weren't their fault. But they are still adults and must choose to take responsibility or not to face and overcome their trauma and heal, or not. Many don't, some do, and it's hard work that can take a long time and won't happen on anyone else's schedule (including his family's). It sounds like you've already done a lot of reading on this to understand it. I've been where you are, and it took a long time to understand that what seems like a small % is still the traits responsible for the relationship's foundation, at least for the type of secure, consistent, and enduring relationship it seems like you're looking for. It's okay to let go with love, to feel compassion, to feel anger, to mourn, to feel however you feel. It's not about whether or not he "ever loved you," which I'm sure he does, and to the best of his ability. It is about reconsidering what compatibility and connection looks like against your own long-term goals. He can meet your needs on shared cultural background, but he isn't currently capable of meeting your emotional needs. It's no one's fault (he isn't setting out to be difficult or hurt you), and it's incredibly disappointing, but at least you know that now after having gone through this with him twice. He's just not ready to fully face his issues and may never be. And this one from 2020 (https://jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1937/help-communicating-da-gf-triggers): "Eventually, as I became more secure (and this took 2 years of really wanting to heal and doing the work, not 3 months), and he stayed equally FA, I was able to see that while we were 90-95% compatible, the magnitude of the last 5-10% was all attachment-related. While that percentage was tiny, the magnitude and depth of the issue is so personal and informs the rest of the relationship, that if both partners aren't on the same page with getting more secure independently, then the small percentage being small simply doesn't matter. What matters is the insecure attachment creating needs and patterns and capacity that are the opposite of the partner's." I was able to quickly pull up both threads searching through my old posts for "95%," because I knew I'd been in the exact same place and thought the exact same thing.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2022 16:40:21 GMT
alexandra But that's the thing, am I seeing her true character or just her in a triggered, emotional, confused, impulsive state? Or are these elements of herself one in the same? That's why I am struggling with this. I understand that my AP tendencies under stress are who I am at the core regardless of whether stress caused me to act out in that way... so I guess that is my answer. But if the other 95% of the time I am a much more easy going person, then what is that really? I have things to work on for sure. But "normal, non-stressed" me could totally do the work on myself to control the "triggered" me. I look at this person I care for, these incongruities, and I cannot seem to square the fact that this person and I are in love and doing well (all things considered)... and then we suddenly are not. Surely an impulsive and emotional decision like this deserves more scrutiny? Before our relationship and friendship is tanked forever? I've known this person for 6.5 years... it isn't so easy for me to accept that this is the way things are. Or that it really is way things have to be. I'm going to stay in no-contact despite the pain and difficulty of being alone. I know I need to face these things within myself in order to move forward. And I want to have started and at least made small steps toward improvement before ever contacting her again. I do plan on sending her a handwritten letter between 4-6 weeks from now. If she never answers, that will be okay. But I will say the things I need to say and I will know that I made one last effort to reach out. I won't walk away from someone I love because they basically forced me to do so. She can't leave and tell herself a story about how I never cared anyway and I must hate her now. How I could never change, how she could never change and how it would never have worked out anyway. She'll have proof of the opposite, at least. It's hurtful and painful no matter what, but it's also better this happened before moving in together. I know you're right about this, too. What if this had gone further and the same thing had happened later? The devastation would only multiply. Shutting down, shutting me out, breaking up with me and cutting her trip short. Or maybe if we had carried on further, to engagement, or marriage, or me, dropping my entire life here and moving to her country only for her to do this - but then. If she had come here and we had never broken up... would I have found myself similarly inspired to research attachment theory in order to better understand myself, my partner and my relationship? Of course not. Because complacency makes you a fool. I assumed I knew everything. I assumed I could navigate this relationship and this person and myself without actually making an effort to understand. So in a way I am grateful for this series of horrific difficulties, even though I wish to hell that it had not happened this way and that we could have worked through this together. If there is any hope for us together, or ourselves as individuals, the key to our happiness in life will be working on these patterns within ourselves. Our relationship was working the way it was. Slightly dysfunctionally (although, show me a relationship without any dysfunction or difficulty...). Even if I had been 100% secure and unflappable, we may have found ourselves in this very same position at this very same moment. This break will be my opportunity to grow. I would hope for her sake that something about this situation spurs growth in her, as well. I know that's not often the case, but I wish that for her all the same. Side note: I was applying for jobs in her country earlier this year; have had alerts going to my inbox for months. I have been learning her language. That's where I was at. She had seen a counselor about her schooling and definitely made inquiries about studying abroad. So there was at least some effort made on her end. That didn't work out for logistical reasons so we changed the plan to be a three month vacation. Another side note: I was going through some of our old (ancient) messages today and I found this beautiful, dusty red flag (early 2016) I had long since forgotten about: "I've been with the same person for almost two years and just a couple of days ago my feelings just disappeared. I have no idea how to explain this to him."Now, to be fair, this guy was apparently abusive, controlling, and way into drugs. His family maintained that women should be obedient and subservient. I think she stayed with him for another year or so after sending this message to me. I don't remember exactly, but she shared a story about him suddenly acquiring a gun at some point and knowing that she had to leave or she would end up being seriously hurt or killed. She ended up leaving him and the entire situation one night when he was asleep and never seeing him again. So, this ex (her most recent, more than 5 years ago now) and I are nothing alike and who's to say how much this really applies to our breakup. But feelings "suddenly disappearing" does seem to be a pattern at the very least. My ex has had quite a bit of relationship trauma, starting with her first boyfriend and continued with the next. This will sound cliche but I really am the first person to date her that has not treated her like absolute trash. I know this as a fact, and I wasn't even there. She told me these things long before we ever dated. Although she never opened up about the really horrible details until we were maybe a year into our relationship. How could I be so naive to think she would be able to have a completely normal, securely functioning relationship after having had experiences like that? I guess I'll always be a slow learner. Seriously though, thank you for your comments, thoughts and continued support. I haven't ever had a truly healthy relationship... I mean, at least not secure-secure. Clearly I am part of that math. And I know now why I was so drawn to my ex and what I saw in her that was so magnetic. There's a big void now, where she used to be. We were far enough along that all of my plans for the future involved her. That's where I thought we were headed. Now I'm feeling a bit lost. I've got to figure out what I want, who I want to be and how to get there. I can do it on my own but I am going to miss her a lot. I think in LDR relationships…it takes longer for incompatibility to really show up since both partners are putting on their best effort. A lot of that comes from the fantasy of what will be versus an actual knowing f things. It seems to me that a LDR might not be a good choice going forward.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2022 19:56:30 GMT
I mean, cancer in 5% of your body is a big deal... Of course no relationship is perfect, 100 percent of the time! But if the problem parts have one person breaking up, then obviously you've got a bad prognosis. You can't separate the 'breakup' part of the problem from the other attachment problems that cropped up- it's all one thing. "Mostly good!" doesn't matter in the anxious/avoidant trap. And it's pointless to consider when the outcome of "mostly good" is sudden termination. Because the termination stems from the insecure dynamic that was "mostly good". In short- there is no good outcome with unaddressed insecure attachment and trauma at play.
Also- the sudden loss of feelings is what an avoidant experiences under relationship stress. So yes it's a pattern and one she doesn't have control over. It's baffling and disconcerting to encounter and if one doesn't understand how to navigate it, would easily lead to believing the relationship should end. She is a long way from overcoming any of this. It sounds as though she has a lot of unfinished business and I'm not shaming her, she just has a lot to heal. And you can't be a part of that, as you have plenty to heal as well. There could be some savior energy operating in you, have you explored that?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2022 20:20:22 GMT
cws2022 , another thing you might want to consider here is that with her trauma history (specifically relationship trauma), she has a lot in her own psychology that prevents her from functioning as a healthy, stable partner. Abuse doesn't just happen, there is a dynamic that one enters into. This is not to blame her!!! This is to say, certain characteristics of a vulnerable person will make them ripe for the picking for an abuser, and these include an unhealthy sense of themselves, poor boundaries, people pleasing and codependency, low self esteem, dysfunctional ideas about relationships that run deep and wide, and are often not conscious. A traumatized person may easily fall prey to illusions of safety offered in an LDR or otherwise distant arrangement. And I am not saying that you were preying on her so don't twist that... I'm saying that on her end, this relationship could have afforded her a fantasy sense of finally finding something safe and not having to really live in the reality of close contact perpetually... when what she really needs is dee therapy to be able to live in close contact in a safe way with a safe partner. A shortcut, so to speak... instant recovery from a history of abuse, by partaking in a "someday, we will do this and that" fantasy, and when the time comes to move forward, her limitations surfaced. There are just so many signs that this relationship accommodated insecurity more than it accommodated a healthy relationship, on both sides.
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Post by cws2022 on Jan 17, 2022 16:36:19 GMT
There could be some savior energy operating in you, have you explored that? I never really thought consciously about "saving" her in this relationship.... I had another relationship several years ago where I do remember thinking she treated herself badly and had been treated badly by others and that I would finally be the one to treat her right. That one ended disastrously... though she was so far beyond helping it was absurd. The self destruction was bad... I was in a much worse place in my life and was caught in the blast, back then. I guess that because I had known about her (recent ex's) bad relationship history long before ever dating her, we could make the argument that even if I wasn't thinking "I can save this person" I still had the idea in the back of my head that I was the first non-shitty, non-abusive, non-controlling, etc partner this person has had and I definitely praised myself for that. I did think that I had an advantage in this relationship because I was the first partner she has ever had who actually cared for her, was willing and able to do things for her, was just as willing to connect with her from a distance as in person, etc. I mean, not hard to think of yourself as a savior when her other experiences in relationships have been so negative that just by being a normal, kind, empathetic person that you're already the exception to the rule. She's had trouble sleeping or you could even say insomnia to different degrees as long as I have known her. She would tell me, and it would be true from observation, that she could actually sleep better when I was around. I also remember waking up and finding out that she hadn't slept well when I was there either... but overall I remember having this feeling like our relationship was good for her and was healing for her to some degree. It felt like the relationship was healing for me. Even now, in pain, I feel like I took things away from the last few years which had / will have an overall and lasting positive effect. And the fact that I'm the first partner to whom she had ever said "I love you". I gave great importance and took pride in that, as well. These things seemed like progress for someone who had been so mistreated in the past. So then, if I subconsciously noticed these things within her, does that not also make her "ripe for the picking" for someone not looking to abuse, but to help or "save"? Maybe, that day when she walked out of the airport and into my car, what I saw was someone with the above traits that I could latch on to and try to save. Maybe I thought that by saving her, I could save myself as well. To some degree I think that both things are true and that I was effective in both. She was very good for me and I would like to hope that I was very good for her. I hope her pushing me away isn't a rejection of all of that "progress". Though it may be.
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Post by cws2022 on Jan 17, 2022 16:57:16 GMT
Also- the sudden loss of feelings is what an avoidant experiences under relationship stress. So yes it's a pattern and one she doesn't have control over. It's baffling and disconcerting to encounter and if one doesn't understand how to navigate it, would easily lead to believing the relationship should end. She is a long way from overcoming any of this. This is something I am still struggling with, though alexandra already told me what to do with these feelings. I know I won't get answers from her on this and that even if I did they wouldn't be satisfying. Taking my now-ex's words at face value would mean... that I did or failed to do things which caused her to lose attraction / love for me sometime between November and the breakup. Though she never actually pointed to anything I did to make this happen. That's hard to accept. I don't want to fully believe that (because it hurts) but knowing what I know now, and considering everything, I don't think I can believe that explanation from her. It's certainly less painful to think it wasn't me, but it was relationship / life / moving to another country / depression stress that caused her to react this way. She did give me reasons to think that those things are the real explanation here... What would it do for me to know the painful truth? Nothing. And I cannot know one way or the other. It's upsetting to imagine that I ruined this relationship for myself. In reality, I'm sure I didn't help in some ways but that the issues which lead to the dissolution of the relationship are much larger than my actions alone.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2022 17:27:04 GMT
Also- the sudden loss of feelings is what an avoidant experiences under relationship stress. So yes it's a pattern and one she doesn't have control over. It's baffling and disconcerting to encounter and if one doesn't understand how to navigate it, would easily lead to believing the relationship should end. She is a long way from overcoming any of this. This is something I am still struggling with, though alexandra already told me what to do with these feelings. I know I won't get answers from her on this and that even if I did they wouldn't be satisfying. Taking my now-ex's words at face value would mean... that I did or failed to do things which caused her to lose attraction / love for me sometime between November and the breakup. Though she never actually pointed to anything I did to make this happen. That's hard to accept. I don't want to fully believe that (because it hurts) but knowing what I know now, and considering everything, I don't think I can believe that explanation from her. It's certainly less painful to think it wasn't me, but it was relationship / life / moving to another country / depression stress that caused her to react this way. She did give me reasons to think that those things are the real explanation here... What would it do for me to know the painful truth? Nothing. And I cannot know one way or the other. It's upsetting to imagine that I ruined this relationship for myself. In reality, I'm sure I didn't help in some ways but that the issues which lead to the dissolution of the relationship are much larger than my actions alone. I'm telling you, I have avoidant attachment style and this "loss of feeling" happens to me regularly under stress, it's automatic and not my boyfriend's fault or failing. It's my own internal process in my physiology. I have experienced it in every relationship, and in most it's been temporary. Under stress, my attachment feelings turn off. I can tell myself that it's my boyfriend's fault but I now know better than that. It's a threat response just like anxiety in you is a threat response. So there may be a connection or a trigger but it's actually my own coping process taking over. I've learned to work with it and let it come and go. But prior to that it has been too much to contend with and caused all sorts of problems in relationship. She would deactivate like this with any partner. If that's what her nervous system does, she'd do it with the best partner ever because it's her own internal reaction to her own internal narrative.
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Post by cws2022 on Jan 18, 2022 5:38:09 GMT
I'm telling you, I have avoidant attachment style and this "loss of feeling" happens to me regularly under stress, it's automatic and not my boyfriend's fault or failing. It's my own internal process in my physiology. I have experienced it in every relationship, and in most it's been temporary. Under stress, my attachment feelings turn off. I can tell myself that it's my boyfriend's fault but I now know better than that. It's a threat response just like anxiety in you is a threat response. So there may be a connection or a trigger but it's actually my own coping process taking over. So, then - not that I am under the illusion that there is any hope for our relationship at this point (and even if there were... we both have things to work on - are we even good for each other at this stage?) - if this is true was it not reasonable for me to think early on that this entire situation was a response to stress, pressure, the realities of commitment etc. instead of an actual, earned or rationally considered loss of all romantic feelings and decision to break up the relationship? I mean, I was hanging my hat on the idea that she was triggered and not really thinking this one through. Even though she insisted that she "can't change how [she] feels" while simultaneously saying "It's still difficult for me to understand why this has happened because I really thought it never would" and "I wish things were different but I can't change this." and "It feels so weird and I don't understand how it happened." Not to mention all the times she claimed to be confused about everything. You're clearly more self aware / interested in change than she is... evidenced by your presence and post history on this forum alone. I just... ah, it's very hard to get over the notion that she was triggered and that this is her response and it probably isn't what she really would want for herself after careful consideration, but it's a gut reaction and now just a lose-lose for the both of us. I'm grateful for the breakup as a wake up call, personally, even though it's painful. I only wish it was a wakeup call for the both of us. There's no way for me to know this but I suspect she's rebounded to someone else right now. It isn't like her, but she had the situation set up in advance (whether she chose to do that consciously or unconsciously). Which would make any kind of contact completely pointless, now or several weeks from now. Trying not to torture myself with that thought, but it is the one variable that would make me certain that no matter what I do, she's thrown it all away and there is no going back. The desperate part of me wants to find a way to reach her mind, somehow. Somehow I'm stuck between trying something and getting nowhere, or doing nothing and getting nowhere. Herodotus said it best: "Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2022 6:02:07 GMT
I'm telling you, I have avoidant attachment style and this "loss of feeling" happens to me regularly under stress, it's automatic and not my boyfriend's fault or failing. It's my own internal process in my physiology. I have experienced it in every relationship, and in most it's been temporary. Under stress, my attachment feelings turn off. I can tell myself that it's my boyfriend's fault but I now know better than that. It's a threat response just like anxiety in you is a threat response. So there may be a connection or a trigger but it's actually my own coping process taking over. So, then - not that I am under the illusion that there is any hope for our relationship at this point (and even if there were... we both have things to work on - are we even good for each other at this stage?) - if this is true was it not reasonable for me to think early on that this entire situation was a response to stress, pressure, the realities of commitment etc. instead of an actual, earned or rationally considered loss of all romantic feelings and decision to break up the relationship? I mean, I was hanging my hat on the idea that she was triggered and not really thinking this one through. Even though she insisted that she "can't change how [she] feels" while simultaneously saying "It's still difficult for me to understand why this has happened because I really thought it never would" and "I wish things were different but I can't change this." and "It feels so weird and I don't understand how it happened." Not to mention all the times she claimed to be confused about everything. You're clearly more self aware / interested in change than she is... evidenced by your presence and post history on this forum alone. I just... ah, it's very hard to get over the notion that she was triggered and that this is her response and it probably isn't what she really would want for herself after careful consideration, but it's a gut reaction and now just a lose-lose for the both of us. I'm grateful for the breakup as a wake up call, personally, even though it's painful. I only wish it was a wakeup call for the both of us. There's no way for me to know this but I suspect she's rebounded to someone else right now. It isn't like her, but she had the situation set up in advance (whether she chose to do that consciously or unconsciously). Which would make any kind of contact completely pointless, now or several weeks from now. Trying not to torture myself with that thought, but it is the one variable that would make me certain that no matter what I do, she's thrown it all away and there is no going back. The desperate part of me wants to find a way to reach her mind, somehow. Somehow I'm stuck between trying something and getting nowhere, or doing nothing and getting nowhere. Herodotus said it best: "Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing."I think you might be in the bargaining stage of grief which is understandable. But, I'm afraid it's not as simple as a cold water wake up to get ahold of herself so to speak. The problem is not just a loss of feeling... it's everything listed before that has her dysfunctional in relationship. The list of things that make her a target for either an abuser or a savior. If her feelings were to resurface (and with FA, they can) then she still would have a heap of things to heal and work on. The FA attachment style very difficult to resolve, not impossible by any means but very complex and layered. It takes much more than a wake up call. As it is, without being deeply involved in therapy and self-awareness, she likely will repeat patterns of broken relationships and confusing situations indefinitely. And, the kind of self doubt that accompanies all of this makes returning for a happily ever after even more unlikely. She's a long way away from the trust in herself it would take to return knowing that's what is good for her (and I can't say if it is..) and her trust in you wouldn't go far either... so she'd always fluctuate according to the fear based reactions in her nervous system. So while it would make a good movie and many movies have been made about the insecure instant reversal for a happy healing journey forward with the faithful long suffering original partner , that's just not how this stuff plays out in reality.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2022 6:25:54 GMT
I have to be candid here too, to say that what's happened here is that in your own insecurity you have chosen an insecure, unavailable partner. Your own AP dysfunction is at play and that's the only thing you will be able to effectively address- your own emotional and mental health. Continuing to focus on her is natural in the depth of breakup pain, but do be aware that AP tend to get stuck focusing on their ex, who is beyond their reach and whose choices and feelings and outcomes are beyond their control.
All the anxiety in the world, all the rumination and what if's and pondering will not make her available for a healthy, sustainable relationship.
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