Dating stage as an FA

You mean me trying to plug him into a spot? I definitely tried to do that with my previous relationship. This time feels different. My logical brain is a bit more in charge and I can override these strong AP feelings with we are strangers and need to get to know each other.

It's common for insecure attachers to be projecting things. If your instinct is saying it's happening, and additionally it feels uncomfortable, you can trust that instinct. As I was earning secure and dating on and off, there were several men I refused further dates with because I felt this was happening even if it subtle. I've mentioned it on the boards before and called it "icky."

Date went well. Going slow but will be seeing him again. Being fully in my adult space felt really good. It changed our dynamic, it was more open without being dysfunctional? If that makes sense. It felt more like when you make a new friend then how dating has felt to me in the past. We had a frank conversation about valentines day and how to handle it, we both said it was just too soon. He did share a medical issue because other women have considered it a deal breaker. He was surprised when I said it wasn't for me.

He threw up a few things to watch. I really can't tell how far along he is in processing his previous breakup. Attachment is definitely having him re-examine things which is understandable. He deeply regrets some of his protest behaviors, specifically trying to be controlling, and would get angry. The AP part of me can 100% relate to that. Once I understood the anxiety under my anger, and my partner knew I needed a hug to re-regulate my nervous system, it just fell away. But I know dealing with others anger used to send me into flight/fawn. But knowing upfront makes it feel more manageable, I also have much better self regulation now? Also, people are such timebombs and sometimes have so little self awareness that it feels like someone aware they need to work on anger vs me finding out later they have anger problems feels better. He has always been in one relationship or another and I know from first hand experience you need time on your own to heal and figure out who you really are.

Green flag - Incredibly self aware.
Green Flag - I feel zero pressure to hurry, but this could turn into a red flag depending on how it long it lasts.
Green flag - Our personalities continue to match really well in terms of our outlook on the world and our values.

I'm moving towards a date with someone else, who has been single 2 years out of a 10 year relationship. He seems very stable and normal so far, but they all do at first.

I've come to realize I'm still really bad at getting out of my needs / wants long enough to properly sense what others want/where there boundaries are. A few times he has told me what he wanted but I didn't quite register it, so I bulldozed it until I realized and backed down. My ex said I would do this, "where do you want to eat?" and then I would be like "HERE IS WHERE I WANT TO EAT" if he responded too softly. It makes me sad because I hate when others trample my boundaries but yet I still do it to others. I think the men I end up dating are somehow all people pleasers in one way or another and they all just give me what I want instead of having a reciprocal relationship, but I do think I have my part in that dynamic. My ex said I am both fragile and assertive at the same time. That my assertiveness does not come from a place of calm or power, but a place of weakness... hard to pick that one part.

Thank you for the validation. It was a bit confusing because in some ways he acted REALLY secure. He didn't blow up my phone, he called me regularly, our dates were spaced out. I recognize it wasn't me but I'm feeling really insecure that he just wanted me for sex and when I was clear that isn't something I engage in casually, he bailed.

I read somewhere that FA's can do an entire dance around someone who is simply standing still and I definitely saw myself do some of that this time. Typing this up I started to cry and release some of the pent up pain I've been carrying. I'm not quite ready to let go of this connection completely, but I am taking some steps back. We are on the same wavelength which is so rare when you are not neurotypical. We just think the same way about the same things. I see so much of myself reflected back at me. Even the fact that we could have these conversations and he would gain new perspective and share it and become more aware made me want him even more. That openness to growth. But at the end of our second date, he nuzzled me and kissed my forehead so tenderly it felt wrong?! my entire body was screaming I want more of this, but also this level of intimacy is wrong for the connection. He asked me to stay that night, and part of me wishes I had, but I think it would have made things even messier. I don't think he has ever stopped to consider that trying to jump into something before you are over the previous thing is wrong. He said when he met his ex he realized on their first date he wasn't over his previous relationship, yet here he is doing it again. He borrowed two of my favorite books on emotional maturity so I hope he reads them. Though he has the attitude I had a year ago, if I can just read enough and cram enough in my brain I can fix myself without doing all the hard and messy emotional work.

I finally got to talk to my counsellor tonight, she asked me how I felt about this entire experience and I said it has been hard but amazing. We talked about the fact I have great emotional regulation now but zero self-soothing ability. She compared it to my inner child is throwing a temper tantrum and breaking things and I am watching her, but I can't stop her. So we are going to work on that. Also going to address that my pendulum for support has swung so far over I come off as fake and insincere. She also confirmed that he seems to have been trying to warn me away, and probably never thought through what would happen if I struck around. She reminded me I am not here to fix him, and suggested offering him friendship if I can truly offer that without wanting more. She keeps saying I missed my calling and would be a good counsellor. She is the third counsellor to say that and I assume it isn't something they just throw around?

What you say makes sense, I can notice the difference. When he said he has been poly in the past and I simply said "I don't share my partners" it came from a place of I don't care what you are, I know who I am. But I can see how if it's coming from the wrong place then the people I am with can sense that and then are afraid of hurting me.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. The only criteria you listed that I'd suggest loosening up on is if a guy says he'd like to meet but then asks you to pick the place or activity for the first date. I know what you're going for, you don't want someone overly passive or not very interested (low effort), but using this as your test for the first meeting or date may actually backfire. There are a lot of men who are mindful of the fact that it's riskier for a woman to meet a stranger, so they may defer the plans to you to make sure you're feeling safe and comfortable for the first meeting, that it will be on your "turf." This is a good thing, as it means the guy is respectful and conscientious. If you meet and things go well, then you still have plenty of time to observe his follow through and effort and initiative from there. The other thing it doesn't filter out is insecure guys who come on strong and end up love bombing.

In regards to the advice you're getting, think about the kind of romantic relationship you want and then look at who you know who has relationships like that. Then take their advice, not the advice of other people also in your shoes who are doing the same things as you and taking the same approaches that don't work. I had my group of friends I'd complain to about dating for a long time, and they'd complain to me, and everyone (in retrospect) had an insecure attachment style and was validating each other while all having the same dysfunctional dating experiences over and over. While waiting to meet the fairy tale partner who actually "clicked." Later in life, most of them are perpetually single. That doesn't make them bad people, but it does make them not great to listen to about dating. It took me WAY too long to realize that it's usually better to seek advice from people who are where you want to be. Sometimes people are insightful about others and hopeless when it comes to themselves, but collecting opinions and listening to what people have to say who are doing what you want to do will likely give you less noise.

In regards to men don't even know they want to have children until they meet the person who makes them want children, that's bunk. Why coddle a man as if he's not an adult?? Most people know if they eventually want children or not, though they may not know when. I know someone who did drastically change his mind when he met the right person and wanted to have kids with her, but this was far and away an exception and had a lot more to do with him doing the emotional work to recover from a toxic divorce and his attachment issues and so being in the right mindset for a healthy relationship right before he met her.

Anyway, it's completely valid and not being too picky if you don't pursue someone because you already know that they have dealbreakers (such as not wanting kids). This is a very different mindset than the insecure approach of not taking the person at face value, maybe they'll change when you've built a relationship, maybe you're holding back because you want them to like you and you think it's a good idea to worry about the rest later... this leads to pain and drama. Unmet expectations, poor communication, not being on the same page, resentment because feelings of attachment are there but you keep butting heads on something unsolvable (or someone is compromising themselves when they don't truly want to). A lot of this continues to distrust, lack of true vulnerability, and lots of other issues that plague insecurely attached relationships -- and they often start with knowing there are issues but pressing on anyway hoping they'll resolve themselves later.

Think of it this way. How often do FWB situations become full blown, healthy, committed relationships? It's the fantasy exception rather than the rule. Often one person wants more than the other and gets involved knowing it's not going to meet their needs, hoping to wait it out and convince the other person. It's the same concept. Why start something that you already know is incompatible? Again, in regards to things you know are dealbreakers, not petty or superficial nice-to-haves. Really figuring out what's the most important stuff for you.

Having dated with BOTH approaches (accepting most dates versus filtering out by what we're both looking for beforehand -- which may mean getting to know the person a bit first, listening, and asking questions), I sympathize with you that it's frustrating to feel like you're meeting fewer people. If I wanted to go on 5 online dates a week, I could have if I wasn't being just picky enough to be healthy about dealbreakers. Once I started filtering (no guys who weren't sure about kids or who "didn't know" what they were looking for until they saw it... I'm not here to convince someone not very open to it that they should want to be with me), that dropped to maybe 1 date a week. But the quality of the dates went way up. It still meant that if I had a couple mediocre dates (I couldn't perfectly filter) then it could mean only 1 promising date a month, which is frustrating. But it made dating a lot more pleasant, maybe not every date was someone I was attracted to once we met in person and who was a good fit, but they were good people and the dates were pleasant conversations meeting new people and not full of pressure for it to be THE ONE or tortuous for other reasons (I've been on so many bad dates, especially when I was AP for 20 years). It requires patience though, and feeling secure enough in yourself that you'll be okay no matter how the date goes because you're being true to your needs and not settling just to be in any relationship. That's a different patience than ugh I've had 5 bad dates in a row, but I had much better results with it and eventually met a great like-minded person with ZERO dealbreakers!