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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2022 5:55:31 GMT
I still have trouble, sometimes, with communicating stressors adequately so that we can address them as a couple.
I notice I go hard core into self-regulating, self fixing mode as a default sometimes and I am trying to learn new skills around that. I'm not even sure how at the moment. It's not all the time. A lot of time I do really well and we get good results. But if I get more seriously stressed I get walls up and it creates negative outcomes that then we have to repair. I think it's a trust issue. Like the more stress I have the less trust I have and I feel like I have to knuckle down and go it alone, even if it's a couple issue that he's likely want to solve with me if I could just bring it to him in the right way. But I can't put my feelings into words the right way and messes ensue.
I hurt him quite a bit without intention when this happens. And then it just goes bad. We are able to finally get to the right place but I'd like to avoid the turmoil better.
He's got his own part to work on in this and he acknowledges that. He's not always the safest sounding board if he gets triggery, I see it as RSD connected to adhd. I view that as something we have to try to navigate as a couple and it's more challenging with me tending toward avoidant. Lame. But we're ok.
Anyway, putting this out there as a heads up that I am going to try to come here with a stressor when it's blocking me so that I can practice new ways to approach my boyfriend and not be counterproductive by triggering the crap out of him because my communication sucks sometimes.
It's really a constant process to come out of feeling on my own, or that my destiny is to be alone, my entire life.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2022 14:47:28 GMT
I still have trouble, sometimes, with communicating stressors adequately so that we can address them as a couple. I notice I go hard core into self-regulating, self fixing mode as a default sometimes and I am trying to learn new skills around that. I'm not even sure how at the moment. It's not all the time. A lot of time I do really well and we get good results. But if I get more seriously stressed I get walls up and it creates negative outcomes that then we have to repair. I think it's a trust issue. Like the more stress I have the less trust I have and I feel like I have to knuckle down and go it alone, even if it's a couple issue that he's likely want to solve with me if I could just bring it to him in the right way. But I can't put my feelings into words the right way and messes ensue. I hurt him quite a bit without intention when this happens. And then it just goes bad. We are able to finally get to the right place but I'd like to avoid the turmoil better. He's got his own part to work on in this and he acknowledges that. He's not always the safest sounding board if he gets triggery, I see it as RSD connected to adhd. I view that as something we have to try to navigate as a couple and it's more challenging with me tending toward avoidant. Lame. But we're ok. Anyway, putting this out there as a heads up that I am going to try to come here with a stressor when it's blocking me so that I can practice new ways to approach my boyfriend and not be counterproductive by triggering the crap out of him because my communication sucks sometimes. It's really a constant process to come out of feeling on my own, or that my destiny is to be alone, my entire life. I experience this with my mom….and this isn’t a comparison but it is the relationship for me that I feel most resembles yours. When she gets super stressed, she will go into self protective mode…things said in a jokey way will not be received as intended, she will become very short with limited time to talk. I am learning this ebb and flow and trying to provide more distance/respect when she goes into that space. Unlike your situation, I am the only one doing the work…but it has provided me with greater insight into how I accidentally cross boundaries and get a bit stuck in my need for regulation (without considering her ability to be a good coregulator at the time). I think what you are doing here is fantastic. 🙂🙂🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2022 15:42:28 GMT
I still have trouble, sometimes, with communicating stressors adequately so that we can address them as a couple. I notice I go hard core into self-regulating, self fixing mode as a default sometimes and I am trying to learn new skills around that. I'm not even sure how at the moment. It's not all the time. A lot of time I do really well and we get good results. But if I get more seriously stressed I get walls up and it creates negative outcomes that then we have to repair. I think it's a trust issue. Like the more stress I have the less trust I have and I feel like I have to knuckle down and go it alone, even if it's a couple issue that he's likely want to solve with me if I could just bring it to him in the right way. But I can't put my feelings into words the right way and messes ensue. I hurt him quite a bit without intention when this happens. And then it just goes bad. We are able to finally get to the right place but I'd like to avoid the turmoil better. He's got his own part to work on in this and he acknowledges that. He's not always the safest sounding board if he gets triggery, I see it as RSD connected to adhd. I view that as something we have to try to navigate as a couple and it's more challenging with me tending toward avoidant. Lame. But we're ok. Anyway, putting this out there as a heads up that I am going to try to come here with a stressor when it's blocking me so that I can practice new ways to approach my boyfriend and not be counterproductive by triggering the crap out of him because my communication sucks sometimes. It's really a constant process to come out of feeling on my own, or that my destiny is to be alone, my entire life. I experience this with my mom….and this isn’t a comparison but it is the relationship for me that I feel most resembles yours. When she gets super stressed, she will go into self protective mode…things said in a jokey way will not be received as intended, she will become very short with limited time to talk. I am learning this ebb and flow and trying to provide more distance/respect when she goes into that space. Unlike your situation, I am the only one doing the work…but it has provided me with greater insight into how I accidentally cross boundaries and get a bit stuck in my need for regulation (without considering her ability to be a good coregulator at the time). I think what you are doing here is fantastic. 🙂🙂🙂 Thank you for those encouraging words! And it's tough on my end of this because I really feel the stress and think I have to survive on my own. Plus my attachment turns down so I am in a logical and pragmatic place that must be very painful to my partner because the emotional piece goes missing. But that's only external. The emotional piece is there but it's all jumbled up with a narrative that says "You're on your own with figuring this out Introvert, don't be vulnerable because it's not safe to share and your needs are your weakness. Buckle up buttercup, protect yourself.) Under it all is sadness and wanting to get my needs met without having to face rejection by being denied. Or the fear, alternately, that my real needs for balance and my own resources will somehow be criticized or threatened. My independence and strength will be impinged. There, I'm talking about my valuable resources of time, the way I structure my life for my family and my career and my interests. I feel i can not have what I would like emotionally and my own foundation at the same time. And it creates a terrible tension and pain in me. I don't want to lose my partner and ai don't want to lose myself. I don't know if I can explain it well. It gets confusing for me to parse it all out until I end up crying and feel the softness of my vulnerability and then I wonder why I couldn't have just been in that space in the first place to say what I really want and need. Once I can get to the point of uncovering that need and express it things go a lot better. But I have to go through layers to even be able to identify the vulnerable part. Which in other times is obvious, ordinary, and comfortable. It's only under that serious stress that I can access it readily. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2022 15:43:19 GMT
Like no body is allowed to see my soft underbelly in those moments not even me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2022 15:48:38 GMT
I feel in the moment as though I will have to choose between Us and Me, and that I can trust me most of all, so then I feel this ripping pain and lose hope and then get a tremendous amount of stress and have to go Over There to sort it out but then it's a shitshow of triggers.
Thank goodness we are both practicing awareness. One or the other of us is able to bring the safety, when it gets hard to see. I know I can improve my capacity and part of the how is to come here and admit I want and need to. I've admitted that to him also, but all I can do is keep trying.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2022 16:07:01 GMT
I have to say, I admire his growth as well because even though he does react strongly to his triggers he really has shown the ability to re-set and come out of his threat response into a more secure response. We both are able to do that at different times for and with each other. Just not EVERY time, depending on what's gone unsaid to lead up to the impact. Really it comes down to continuing to grow our trust and understanding with each other. Easy sometimes! Shitshow at other times. Couples have conflict and we are learning how to be better at it but I still feel the lifetime of the avoidant narrative in my bones. It's way down deep in there.
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