The science of Friendships / how to talk to strangers

www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspi0000402.pdf

The surprice of reasching out - appreciated more than we think

Being a friend to a seriously ill person is difficult, because when are you too much or too little?
Here are some tips on how to best help a person who is fighting for his life.

Don'ts

1. Don't talk about your dead homies If you meet someone who is sick, don't talk about your neighbour's mother who died of "exactly the same thing". People fighting for their lives don't need to hear about those who fell. They know very well that the disease is dangerous. Give them care and hope and listen.

2. Death is private
If you don't know the patient, don't ask about huge, serious things like: "How much longer do you have" or "what does the prognosis look like". These are conversations that are completely intimate with those closest to you, not taxi drivers, masseuses, acquaintances or colleagues.

3. Don't disappear.
Many people cannot handle other people's crises. It's okay, we all have things we need to learn. But then be honest and tell your friend: "I'm having a really hard time with your illness and have no idea what to do or say". Anything is better than friend ghosting in a difficult time. 4. Hold on to your own grief You have to somehow try to relieve the sick person of your worries and your sadness if things go the wrong way. The sick person cannot bear all that grief and all that responsibility on top of his own seriousness. Try to cry at home.

5. Don't lie
Don't say "you look good" if it's a lie. The sick person knows he/she looks like shit, and it doesn't help that you lie. By the way: Don't talk about chemo patients' hair all the time, losing your hair is associated with huge trauma, and the patient knows very well that it looks strange and different. You can easily refrain from talking about the patient's appearance, it is not that important.

6. Keep your alternative "knowledge" inside
There is a lot to navigate as a seriously ill person, and you are bombarded from all sides with tips and tricks that well-intentioned people have read on the internet. But you can't fight cancer with broccoli or exotic tea mixes, so unless you're actually trained in health, it's a good idea not to burden the sick with your feelings about health.