When someone is caring I don't believe it

I related and tried to type out a response and get paragraphs and paragraphs. I just talked to my counsellor about something similar today, she always reminds me to "stay in your lane" meaning, worry about how I feel and stop trying to guess or mind read others. Easier said than done.

I have a lot of people pleasers in my life, and I so feared their resentment that I tried to figure out when I was crossing their unstated boundaries. It is slowly getting easier just accept everything at face value. I also, try a lot to remind myself of all the good caring parts of people. I look for evidence of has this person betrayed my trust before? Or have they generally been consistent in their treatment.

yep. definitely feeling this. all the time. always have. i just thought it was some kind of low self esteem, although i have never felt like i had low self esteem, and i still dont. so it never made sense what that feeling was or is. i can concede having feelings of insecurity, but i cant imagine saying 'i feel ashamed'. i find it hard to 'logically' connect my experience with shame, although it does make sense. thanks for the article introvert. i think on some level, i must feel shame, but i dont know why. That`s why i say it is hard to logically reconcile it as being shame because I know on one level that i have nothing to be ashamed of, but every time the concept that i might be feeling shame deep down comes up, my whole inner everything recoils, so that probably means that there is something to it!

what is the function in the psyche of shame in response to abuse/neglect? like, the inner critic, we know has the function of trying to protect us. but shame is a different beast. it is an interesting subject. when i kind of figured out i may have disorganised attachment, Anne12 provided some info and it said the main feeling associated with the attachment type is SHAME. it keeps coming up. even since i started typing this, i started to get some ideas of where i might have felt shame when i was younger through no fault of my own. maybe i am still carrying it around and didnt even realise.

It took me a very long time to recognize shame in myself. I was not tuned in to my feelings and had the high esteem of an avoidant. I really couldn't understand until I got more healing and found out about the love and safety I was missing. I had a lot of layers to go through to get to the vulnerability of shame.

Shame was not on my radar - at all.  This is kinda eye opening.  Both of my parents had a lot of problems (to say the least!) and maybe in some way my child brain felt like some of it must be my fault, although it could not have possibly been.  Maybe as an adult, that translates into a feeling of unworthiness (of their love and care), so as an adult i feel ashamed of wanting or needing anything, because on a deep level i feel like i deserve nothing or if did when i was young, i wouldnt get it anyway, so what was the point?  it became a weakness to need or want anything from another.  

if i think what do i feel ashamed about, the main thing that pops into my head is that i have a very unusual self-soothing activity from a super young age, (I think we talked about, if you were on that thread, i was new and just getting to know who everyone here was).  i would (and still do) rock myself, and this something that i have always been deeply ashamed of.  It has always brought me a lot of peace in my body and mind, and when i was tiny, i thought it was awesome, because i didnt know there was anything 'wrong' with doing it. it helped me deal with the chaos around me and made me feel happy in my own head.  i guess my mom thought i would outgrow it, and she hated me doing it.  she would scoff and tell me how ridiculous it looked, but i could not seem to know how to make myself stop doing it, so i just learned to hide it.  She caught me a few times in my teens, and it was clear that she thought it was something VERY WRONG.  So... it has always been a deep, dark secret that i hide from others, and has affected my relationships, (i) because of the amount of time i like to spend doing it; and (ii) because people i have dated/relationship partners assume i must be up to something, hiding something sinister, and i dont really want to tell them what it is because i am embarrassed (iii) i feel like once someone 'finds out' about this, they will not see me the same, as there is a stigma and it is not a real sexy thing to be doing (lol) - not that that should matter, but you know... 

as i write, it is dawning on me that this secret habit kind of stands in the way of me being vulnerable.  i cant imagine i will ever stop doing it.  i feel like i need to do it for an hour a day to process everything in my head and relax.  it is like meditation for me or something.  i cant even get the words out to my boyfriend about it, i just told him i have this weird thing i need to do alone.  he was like 'OK!'    i dont know what it would accomplish by telling him. or not telling him.  

hmmmm..

thanks introvert, this gives a lot of hope that there is a path forward out of this, and you are living proof.  i have spent so much time thinking and thinking about my issue with insecurity, and somehow had never managed to connect it with shame.  when me and my boyfriend first got together, i was also apologising all the time. i`d apologise for leaving him a voice message, i even apologised for getting sick one weekend.  he soon stopped me doing that.  he just told me i dont have to do that, with tenderness, and he asked me why would i be apologising? i really didnt know why!  if i really think about it, i think i can start to see where a feeling of subservient, pacifying, less-than-ness, non-deserving inferiority, can stem from a deep rooted and misguided shame.  i also struggled with the concept of 'self love' because i was like 'i already get along with myself just fine, i dont hate myself at all' but, i am starting to see that really loving yourself means recognising the shame and accepting yourself as you are, and loving your imperfect self, so then you can let go of the shame too, and be exactly who you are, without apology or beating yourself up over things.  what a great idea!