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Post by unvpurc on Jul 14, 2022 9:21:06 GMT
Hi all,
I have been NC for 2 months with a DA who broke up with me (we dated for 3 years and lived together for 1). He has tried to message on different platforms about mundane things, normally asking for a favor, and because I haven't replied he will then try a different platform (email, WhatsApp). I decided to keep NC unless there seemed to be any hope of wanting to get back together or any kind of apology, but the more I learn about DAs am I sabotaging any future relationship by making him feel rejected? The last message was for the first time about me, (did I want to pick up something I left at his).
For context, we had what I thought was a good relationship. As crazy as it sounds it helped me feel more secure and heal my own attachment issues because there were no expectations and no anxiety from him. I loved him a lot, and was as understanding as I could be for his need for space. I think it helped that I was his first real relationship and didn't put any pressure on him. A week before the end he seemed to switch and was irritated spending time with me, and then ended up cheating and breaking up with me. He said that he still loves me, but thinks we'd be better as friends. I said I couldn't be friends and he said he'll have to live with that.
I couldn't think anymore about what he needed and I broke down and was so attached to a life with him. I kept trying to see him and sending him paragraphs about how I felt desperately wanting him to take accountability. Then I stopped trying, moved out, and went into NC. While we were still living together we kept to ourselves, but the day I moved out he broke down and said he's so used to being abandoned he's really sorry he's abandoned me (but still wanted to see the other girl)
Learning about DAs has been so healing to understand no my relationship wasn't a lie and when we were together he did love me in the way that he was able to. I will be okay on my own but he has such an important place in my heart that I hope it's not the end, and I wonder if I'm closing the door completely by not replying.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2022 19:23:53 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. It always hurts to be blindsided by someone you love, especially when someone ends things as disrespectfully and horrendously as he did. He: didn't communicate his issues, cheated on you, said he's sorry for acting out his own fears (sabotaging to avoid abandonment by doing it first in the most terrible way to be sure he broke your trust and the relationship irreparably) but then still wants to be with someone else while not respecting your need for space and boundaries.
So, let's call a spade a spade.
It doesn't matter if he feels "rejected" after what he's demonstrated to you. Even if there's any hope of reconciling ever, that time isn't now because he has MAJOR issues and cannot be a good or loyal long-term partner. You're his first real relationship, and he blows it up totally! That isn't a man ready for what you're looking for, and frankly what anyone would deserve after 4 years together (after 4 years, things should be stable, not blindsiding and involving cheating instead of communication). DA is not an excuse for this. You can be DA and have good character and end the relationship without cheating.
You do not want him back right now or any time soon, or the same dynamic will happen again. He hasn't dealt with his stuff, and he hasn't changed. So take the space and all the no contact you need to mourn the loss of this broken relationship with this broken person. He needs to do so much work to be a better person, and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. He may not believe he needs to grow or change in any way and he may never do so, and you need to choose yourself in that case. Remind yourself that you deserve better, you deserve someone who takes accountability and responsibility and doesn't allow things to get to the point they got to here. He made terrible decisions in how to handle the relationship issues. That is completely on him, even if the imperfect dynamics of the relationship itself are built from both of you. It is okay for you to feel angry about that.
Accepting that this relationship as it was is over will only help you. Even if everything aligned and he came back to you a couple years down the road after lots of productive therapy (these issues cannot magically disappear overnight, they take lots of self work, as you likely already know from your own insecure struggles) and you were both still single and available, it will be a new and different relationship. As it should be! Because this turned out not to be healthy. If it isn't a brand new dynamic, then the pain will be destined to repeat.
The best you can hope for is that you showing him consequences to how he treated you (by cutting off communication, though it's truly about giving yourself room to heal, not about manipulating a reaction in him) eventually makes him introspect about himself and his behavior. But this may never happen, which is why no contact is for your healing, and for you alone. He wasn't worrying about you when he cheated and put his wants over yours, and he's not worried about you now or he'd be respecting your space after what he did. Not in any sort of healthy caring way (he cares but he's not currently capable of caring in the healthy way a loved one deserves).
Do not worry about him right now, put yourself first and don't abandon yourself, and things will start to feel better after some time passes.
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Post by unvpurc on Jul 14, 2022 23:55:45 GMT
So take the space and all the no contact you need to mourn the loss of this broken relationship with this broken person. This is what I needed to hear. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write this. Whenever I have any doubts, want him back, I will look back on your kind words. It definitely feels like I'm grieving, and not truly accepting it's over but I am getting there slowly <3 |
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Post by introvert on Jul 15, 2022 3:24:47 GMT
He's disgusting, DA or not. The last text he sent wasn't about you just because he was asking if you want to pick up your stuff. Don't let your mind run to fantasies. Texting about your belongings after cheating on you is disgusting behavior. Asking for favors after he cheated on you is disgusting. Texting mundane things after he cheated on you is disgusting. It's still all about him... will you give him the time of day. Can he have his way with you? If it were about you, he'd be asking about how you are doing, which would still be super lame after what he did. About you means actually being considerate about YOU, not your stuff at his place. That was just a really weak attempt to get an answer from you. If it were about you, he'd realize that you've set a boundary and he has no business crossing it with his stupid questions, trivializing what he did to you. If it were about you, he'd respect your boundary. PERIOD. Because he knows you deserve better, he's just hoping you don't know that. I second everything alexandra said, and don't get all mushy because you've learned about DA attachment. It doesn't make him potential, ever. |
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Post by annieb on Jul 20, 2022 2:07:17 GMT
I think that it's important to remember that all other attachment styles that are not secure are insecure, and with that come various degrees of bizzare behaviors of projecting, cheating, sabotaging, etc. Mature respectful decision making is not part of this dynamic, usually, unless some serious growth is taking place in the insecure individual. I believe that one can be secure in a relationship with an insecure and it will still not be enough, the other person has to work towards their security and this work is an individual journey, and usually involves grueling hours of intense therapy. I believe that all attachment styles are capable of love, the problems start with lack of love, or the need for negative validation. For example, the narrative he presented that everyone abandons him. It's true, but he manufactures the circumstances in which this occurs, he indeed relives his worst nightmare and maybe he is trying to fix it by re-living it, like we all do, trying to fix the relationship with the abandoning childhood caregiver. This is the absolute worst method to fix anything and will always only yield disastrous results. His reaching out to you is highly disrespectful, but an insecure isn't concerned about respect, when they are in the throws of agitated self preservation. Their self preservation usually turns in destruction, as they strike before they are stricken for a good preventative measure. A relationship with him will always end in some sort of sabotage hellhole and cheating. There is no magic that can fix this and him unless he is prepared for therapy and even then a good year plus is what's' needed and to really have healthy habits replace these behaviors, it will take years. We always think we are closing a door on a dismissive, while they closed that door slam shut with their own behavior and while it seemed like they were unaware and confused, they were still an adult making choices. Choices we respect.
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Post by unvpurc on Jul 21, 2022 13:29:28 GMT
Thank you everyone.
I am struggling to move on but reading these posts does help. I know it will take time, but eventually I will have better boundaries from this.
I know from his perspective he will see it as, I'm not in his life because I turned down wanting to be friends, instead of, him cheating meaning we couldn't be friends. I have to let go of needing that acknowledgement, because I will never get that from him.
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Post by sunrisequest on Jul 21, 2022 22:38:09 GMT
Hi unvpurc I went through something a little bit similar recently with an ex who I believe is FA (anxious leaning) so there were some big differences in the way our actual relationship played out, but the ending was similar to yours. I wasn't aware he had any problems before he de-activated, he didn't talk about anything that was going on in his head prior to shutting down so I was also completely blindsided when he did. And he also sabotaged the ending in a major way by cheating, breaking up in a really cruel way (on loudspeaker as he drove to the shops), and instead of telling me about the cheating, he posted pics of himself and the girl he was cheating on me with on social media. And this was also a man who only weeks before that was saying he wanted to be together forever, I was his dream girl, wanted to get married etc. That's the condensed version anyway. I understand your want to leave things in a way that feels peaceful and leaves the door open even just a tiny bit just in case there is a chance of healing and reconciliation. You saw glimpses of the good man he can be, and you want to believe that man is who he really is and there's a chance you could get back to that. But part of this process is accepting that the other side of him, the shadow side that wasn't able to consider your feelings and lied and cheated... that's also him, and is likely to be part of him for a long time and until he takes drastic steps to change it. To go back to someone who has treated you in this way could cause so many issues for you in terms of your own relationship to yourself. Now is a time to focus on what you deserve for a partner, the standard of treatment that you will accept in your life, and what behaviour is an absolute boundary violation and irreparable. Sadly, he may never understand how hurtful his actions were towards you, and much of that is because if he puts himself in your shoes for a minute, he will feel a lot of shame, and shame is a feeling that most insecure people will do anything to avoid. Although I really, really hoped that I could have a surface-level friendly relationship with my ex (because of living in the same community), when I found out about the cheating and after he continued to use social media as a way to get hurtful messages to me, I made the decision to block him. Blocking anyone feels very foreign and unnatural to me, and I've had to really work through the feelings this has brought up. But as someone said above, you wouldn't be doing him any favours by absolving him from the consequences of his actions. He's going to have to sit in that. He may even one day learn something from it. You're probably right, he may make up a story that means he's still avoiding the reason you can't be friends as actually being rooted in his own actions. I have absolutely no doubt my ex is currently doing the same... but as HIGHLY frustrating as it is and as unfair as it feels, the way they process this is their choice and no longer our concern. There are layers in terms of the effects of being cheated on, especially by someone who you felt was committed to you and loved you... I just want to send you lots of good wishes as you move through those layers. I truly do believe that better boundaries as a result of an experience like this will be the upside. Just keep believing in your worth and keep sight of what you deserve. |
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Post by unvpurc on Jul 23, 2022 21:41:17 GMT
I am so sorry, I can't imagine how unbearable it would be to find out that way. And rub it in your face like that? It's terrifying how quickly someone becomes so cold.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, you are right and allowing someone who did not care about hurting me would be so detrimental. I saw them together for the first time recently and I think that has helped me that I need to let go of him.
I wish you well in your healing journey aswell
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