freaking myself out

elizabeth

This is an exercise you might find usefull
Maybe you have already seen it ?

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3479/throne-heart

Sounds like things are going well - congratulations

Hi elizabeth, I'm glad you're working through some things!

I am supportive of your growth into more secure relating, but also have a concern as an observer. You may or may not value the input, but I'm going to throw it out there simply because it *might be a helpful perspective.

The evolution of a healthy relationship, from my experience and general understanding, might tend to advance to cohabitation after intimacy and trust is established to a degree that is a little more certain. I see a lot of hoping and speculating about his perspectives and states in your posts- not only because you tend anxious but because he's just beginning to show you that things are challenging for him, too.

Is it possible that going from long distance to live-in is putting the cart before the horse a bit? My experience as an insecure has been that making a major move and hoping for the best is not a very secure plan. Now, I'm not saying that the relationship isn't or can't evolve into more secure and healthy relating- but there are a lot of thoughts you're expressing that are speculation and hope. Can you address those things with him to invite his input so those aren't all questions in your mind before you guys make the leap?

Not that there are actual snags, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm suggesting is that it's not out in the open quite enough, and cohabitation requires a bit more security in my opinion.

Again, it's just an opinion and perspective. It may not feel relevant to you and I totally respect that.

No worries at all elizabeth! I also fully recognize that coming from avoidant roots I'm much slower to move to cohabitation, especially since my kids are older and I don't have the family logistics needs I once did as a mother of young children. Also, the hormone thing is really a thing- I have experienced mid life in surprising ways myself. I am also HSP and so take a while to acclimate to most things- and also value decompression time and space more than some. So these things influence my perspective.

I just know how hard it is to have the pressure of cohabiting when either or both are triggery. It would be great if that forced becoming healthier but sometimes, it's just simply triggery and can result in not being able to explore new ways of relating...because it's possible to get locked into survival patterns. But you two may not have that as a real risk- not all couples do!


Have a great weekend!

another thing to add is that over the last year, since we got together, although we live 3 hours away from one another, he and i take turns making the drive EVERY weekend. i mean, we have only missed about 5 weekends over the whole time. we love being with each other. and when we are apart, we just miss each other.

we also had a completely peaceful roadtrip together after a pretty emotional death of a young person in my family, 20 hours (each way!), he took time off work to come with me, even though i never expected him to do that, and was an absolute rock for me during that time.

this dude does nothing but prove his love for me, and all i had to do was finally believe in him. i think we are in it for the long haul!

thank you! & thank you for not being shy about posing some alternate viewpoints, i always think it helps to challenge ideas, just to make sure all bases are covered. i am really glad i found this place. i am sure i will need to air some things out in future from time to time, i may even have a good ol meltdown or two as the move in date approaches, but talking here and reading replies and tapping into all the collective wisdom here has been so helpful and i am really thankful. <3

hey!

just a little update on my situation. we are still going strong, and moving in together in two months. we are really doing well and went on our first vacation together and really enjoyed it. i am now feeling more relaxed and trusting, and spend less time ruminating over what could go wrong and am generally living in the day to day moments and not worrying all the time, just looking forward to being together and feel confident things are going to be just fine.

there have only been one or two times lately when i have struggled. One incident really stands out, and we talked about them and he understands and is supportive, but it took me a little while to forgive myself. I thought i would run it past you all for some advice. he reassures me that we will work through everything together and he wants to understand everything about me and doesnt expect me to be perfect, but i still want to be perfect, and i dont want little seeds of issues to grow into anything larger. i guess every time i screw up i learn something new about myself, but i hate being the one who always screws up.

It`s not a huge big deal, but on our vacation, one of the activities was to go to a sporting event. this was arranged through a local host and there was another couple attending. we all piled in the car together (host + the two couples). the other girl was immediately talking my head off, because some women assume all other women are chatty and i am really quiet and introverted, although i can be feeling very content and happy, i just dont say much. not sure how important that is, but she was really getting on my nerves even though i tried to match her energy as best i could and be polite and friendly. her boyfriend was very quiet. he hardly said about 10 words the whole night. i was wishing that could have been me. lol.

anyway, i had a little bit to drink which may have been a factor, but wasnt hammered or anything. On the way to the event, no one could really get a word in, because this woman talked constantly and boasting about herself. she and my fella are both huge fans of the sport we attended. i enjoy watching it, but not as knowledgeable as my guy, and this woman. after the event was over, the traffic was bad, and we had parked out in a grassy makeshift lot, and our host had come prepared, so we had a little tailgate party with chairs and he had some beers in a cooler so we sat and waited for the traffic to die down before we left. this girl and my fella were just jabbering away to each other about this sport, statistics and favourite players and the lot. they went on and on. it made me feel weird, but i knew 100% that was on me, and they werent doing anything wrong. i just tried to grin and bear it. At one point, he turned to me and said, super impressed, " She has been to two actual matches of [his fave team]. " - as if I wasnt sitting there listening to them talk anyway. This part is ridiculous and quite funny, because like a 12 year old, i spouted out under my breath "Why dont you marry her?" I mean, come on. I cannot believe I said that, and my guy and I are still jokingly batting the phrase around because I am not so precious that I cannot make fun of myself when I know I am being ridiculous. But at the time, I just wanted the floor to swallow me up.

This girl's boyfriend and me were both just kinda looking around and smiling awkwardly and they just kept talking. suddenly she stated that she had a really bad headache. and my dude leaned in and asked 'How come?' looking all concerned. This was when I felt like a knife went through my heart. I mean, it is one thing to share a passion about sports, and for some reason this last remark to her felt like he really cared about her and was worried about her. We dont know this woman, and her boyfriend was right there with her. Surely it was her boyfriend's job to show this type of concern for his partner, and not my boyfriend's job.

I just froze up inside and my whole body went numb and stiff and my boyfriend noticed. I didnt want him to notice. I wasnt mad at him, I wasnt mad at her, all I could think was that I didnt want to be there anymore and I didnt think I could handle a relationship anymore, and I was wondering how much they would have carried on if I wasnt there, and I started thinking I am a fuck up for feeling like I was feeling, knowing I was wrong, but it still hurt like hell, and I even thought I wished I was dead. It was awful. I felt embarrassed if anyone else may have noticed my behaviour but i dont think they did.

When we got back to our hotel, I bawled my eyes out, apologised and told him I was a fuck up and cant handle the relationship and that I ruined our whole vacation and explained my whole thought process to him. I felt really humiliated by my own reaction to what was likely just a normal interaction. He was super cool about it and we talked it through. The next morning I apologised and he said it's all good and it wasnt as bad as I was making it out to be, but I still felt like I was an idiot and kept beating myself up. Luckily, we just soon started enjoying ourselves again and I did my best to put it behind me.

My boyfriend and I have seen a lot of attractive women out and about, and we have admired plenty of beautiful women together. This woman was not particularly beautiful or anything, but I realised what had triggered me was when he showed this level of concern for her. I mean, did he really want to know why she had a headache and get into her health and body? My boyfriend is a naturally compassionate person, whereas I am also, but a lot more reserved. I guess he is quite reserved too, so it was kind of shocking to see him show care for another woman, which I also feel is completely absurd of me to have any issue with.

I really just want to know how to rise above these things, and not have them happen. I was the one at fault there, for reacting the way I did. I told him I knew that, and I do know that. I once again asked him to never change his natural behaviour in response to me freaking out about stuff, because I am the one distorting things, not him. Luckily he has a high level of emotional intelligence and we understand each other. So, we moved past it quite quickly, but I am still wanting to examine why I reacted the way I did and what I could do differently should this situation arise again. I dont usually go around comparing myself to other women or anything like that. I am usually quite secure in my relationship with myself and would say I have pretty good self esteem, but watching him show care for another woman, resulted in me feeling like I wished I was dead for a little while.

It is humiliating to even write about it, but people here often offer some good insight, and I wanted to throw it out there. This was weeks ago now and we are all good, but I never like to just let things slide in my own head.

elizabeth The situation triggered your fear of abandonment, to put it simply. I think you're very wise to realize you triggered yourself rather than he did anything to you. I don't think she was any threat to your relationship either. FWIW, any real threat doesn't come due to someone being physically attractive or not, it either comes with establishing a long-term and repeat intimate connection, or having a partner who is open to cheating (which generally happens as either an immature response to a problem with your own connection that should have been addressed prior to cheating or due to the partner being a selfish and mean person who puts their own desires over you). Doesn't sound like either of those scenarios is the case here at all.

What I think would help you here is a couple things.

First, you need to examine why you feel the need to be perfect (which is likely related to giving yourself the illusion of complete control over yourself and surroundings to eliminate the possibility of "threats" you don't feel you are good enough to handle or survive), and why within your definition of perfect it means minimizing your feelings and needs and shoving them down or not having them at all. That is likely an insecurity issue, that you are disconnected from yourself and don't trust yourself, and/or a learned behavior from a dynamic earlier in your life. As part of that, you will need to explore your relationship with yourself and practice showing compassion to yourself. Not being perfect is actually incredibly important: we all need to be comfortable with ourselves as we are (or our mental health suffers), and we learn from mistakes. Giving yourself grace though having aspirations for yourself to grow or change are fine. You can accept yourself for who you are, even if it's not being perfect, while also striving to do better but not berating yourself for who and where you are.

The second thing is, if I haven't already shared this link, exploring this: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response

It may help you to introspect and figure out more about what this situation did to trigger your fear and why. It was about something deeper that happened to you younger than what happened that day. Why did you feel like he'd compare you to another person and leave you? Who did that to you in the past? Because that needs to be healed and "reprogrammed" as you connect with yourself and build your esteem, acceptance, and trust in yourself, which is how you tackle this fear and insecurity.