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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2022 12:39:09 GMT
I never met someone who is able to switch people off… it just… weird? It's weird or let's say, unhealthy and stunted to view partners as mostly a means to getting what you want. You've got your list and your timelines and the names of the babies picked out (who in the hell picks a baby name without asking the other parent? Maybe you're onto something with the narcissism...) So if that's the way you view a partner, if they don't go along to get along , well then, NEXT! Learning how to identify and communicate your needs is possible, and necessary in order to have a healthy, satisfying, reciprocal relationship. It is a skill that is learned and takes practice to get good at. So definitely explore that, and work on it. But... I'm struck by your comments about wishing you could go back. Do you think that the problems are merely that you couldn't articulate your needs? Because honestly, a person interested in what you want and need would ASK. Seeing that you could be and actually were replaced in three weeks, you really wish you could have avoided being replaced? You feel love for her, but do you truly feel that you were loved in a way that is good for you? |
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jacdl
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Post by jacdl on Aug 4, 2022 12:40:37 GMT
Thank you all for this feedback - all of you have a undeniable talent for picking up on where my head frame has been. My main worry is if I get into this habit again of not speaking up, bottling up until I reach tipping point. Thais Gibson videos on FA do resonate with me so with the links you have sent to resources, I’m going to work on it…
I just felt so anxious looking back - even with the pressure of planning children and buying a house whilst in year one of relationship… it all felt too much too soon and I worry I have commitment issues!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2022 13:08:36 GMT
Thank you all for this feedback - all of you have a undeniable talent for picking up on where my head frame has been. My main worry is if I get into this habit again of not speaking up, bottling up until I reach tipping point. Thais Gibson videos on FA do resonate with me so with the links you have sent to resources, I’m going to work on it… I just felt so anxious looking back - even with the pressure of planning children and buying a house whilst in year one of relationship… it all felt too much too soon and I worry I have commitment issues! The awareness you have right now of how you weren't able to express yourself, will serve you well. There are red flags within ourselves that we need to be aware of... pushing down those niggling concerns, silencing ourselves, people pleasing, etc. They are more important than red flags you can identify in someone else actually- because if you are in a good relationship with yourself and able to advocate for yourself, you really won't be attracting or attracted to people who couldn't care less about your inner world. People who want to run the show partner will people who will let them. That's the way it goes. People unable to direct their own emotional and physical lives will end up with someone who is willing to do it for them. It's about healthy autonomy, authenticity. Knowing you and being you, unencumbered by insecurity. That's the goal, and much progress can be made by staying in tune with yourself and doing things that are recommended to do. As I mentioned, it's a skill that you have to practice. Success doesn't happen over night but for me, once I became aware of what I needed to do I just started doing it, more and more. Taking the risk, taking the consequences of speaking up, and getting more confident and self assured and HAPPIER along the way. My self respect has grown so much! And it makes you more able to intimately connect in a healthy way, when you remove the layers that blind you to yourself you also remove the layers that blind you to the real states of others. |
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jacdl
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Post by jacdl on Aug 4, 2022 15:43:07 GMT
Thank you all for this feedback - all of you have a undeniable talent for picking up on where my head frame has been. My main worry is if I get into this habit again of not speaking up, bottling up until I reach tipping point. Thais Gibson videos on FA do resonate with me so with the links you have sent to resources, I’m going to work on it… I just felt so anxious looking back - even with the pressure of planning children and buying a house whilst in year one of relationship… it all felt too much too soon and I worry I have commitment issues! The awareness you have right now of how you weren't able to express yourself, will serve you well. There are red flags within ourselves that we need to be aware of... pushing down those niggling concerns, silencing ourselves, people pleasing, etc. They are more important than red flags you can identify in someone else actually- because if you are in a good relationship with yourself and able to advocate for yourself, you really won't be attracting or attracted to people who couldn't care less about your inner world. People who want to run the show partner will people who will let them. That's the way it goes. People unable to direct their own emotional and physical lives will end up with someone who is willing to do it for them. It's about healthy autonomy, authenticity. Knowing you and being you, unencumbered by insecurity. That's the goal, and much progress can be made by staying in tune with yourself and doing things that are recommended to do. As I mentioned, it's a skill that you have to practice. Success doesn't happen over night but for me, once I became aware of what I needed to do I just started doing it, more and more. Taking the risk, taking the consequences of speaking up, and getting more confident and self assured and HAPPIER along the way. My self respect has grown so much! And it makes you more able to intimately connect in a healthy way, when you remove the layers that blind you to yourself you also remove the layers that blind you to the real states of others. 3 weeks of “deactivation” took place and then I just crumbled… saying I couldn’t keep going on… that feeling of “I’m better of being single” was present but once it happened. - a week to myself - I knew I made a mistake and I was able to figure out and articulate my needs. I have been very heart broken about this and don’t understand why “deactivation” took place to then make me regret. Lesson is that feeling of “I’m better of being single”… reality is not emotions… give it more time however with the anxiety, it just builds up it came to a tipping point where I just crumbled. |
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jacdl
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Post by jacdl on Aug 4, 2022 16:02:45 GMT
Her having the ability to move on in three weeks and switching people off mentally means that her relationships are mostly about her, how someone can slot in to her agenda, and that she isn't in touch with the feelings that facilitate an authentic, equal relationship. She's the driver and she needs a passenger, sounds like to me. This doesn't mean she's evil- just self absorbed with her own needs and agendas. Unhealthy, that is. A few months after we broke up I texted her saying “I miss everything we had”. She phoned crying saying she does also and is trying very hard to move on but although she happy with her new boyfriend- she said her brain felt “frazzled” and “didn’t know what to do” she missed what we had, the best friend aspect and wanted a couple of days to think about getting back together…. We never. This is 2 months into her relationship after they been on holiday. I just don’t think that rebound stuff is healthy, yet never been with a partner who moves like that. |
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jacdl
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Post by jacdl on Aug 4, 2022 16:02:55 GMT
Her having the ability to move on in three weeks and switching people off mentally means that her relationships are mostly about her, how someone can slot in to her agenda, and that she isn't in touch with the feelings that facilitate an authentic, equal relationship. She's the driver and she needs a passenger, sounds like to me. This doesn't mean she's evil- just self absorbed with her own needs and agendas. Unhealthy, that is. A few months after we broke up I texted her saying “I miss everything we had”. She phoned crying saying she does also and is trying very hard to move on but although she happy with her new boyfriend- she said her brain felt “frazzled” and “didn’t know what to do” she missed what we had, the best friend aspect and wanted a couple of days to think about getting back together…. We never. This is 2 months into her relationship after they been on holiday. I just don’t think that rebound stuff is healthy, yet never been with a partner who moves like that. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2022 17:12:30 GMT
The awareness you have right now of how you weren't able to express yourself, will serve you well. There are red flags within ourselves that we need to be aware of... pushing down those niggling concerns, silencing ourselves, people pleasing, etc. They are more important than red flags you can identify in someone else actually- because if you are in a good relationship with yourself and able to advocate for yourself, you really won't be attracting or attracted to people who couldn't care less about your inner world. People who want to run the show partner will people who will let them. That's the way it goes. People unable to direct their own emotional and physical lives will end up with someone who is willing to do it for them. It's about healthy autonomy, authenticity. Knowing you and being you, unencumbered by insecurity. That's the goal, and much progress can be made by staying in tune with yourself and doing things that are recommended to do. As I mentioned, it's a skill that you have to practice. Success doesn't happen over night but for me, once I became aware of what I needed to do I just started doing it, more and more. Taking the risk, taking the consequences of speaking up, and getting more confident and self assured and HAPPIER along the way. My self respect has grown so much! And it makes you more able to intimately connect in a healthy way, when you remove the layers that blind you to yourself you also remove the layers that blind you to the real states of others. 3 weeks of “deactivation” took place and then I just crumbled… saying I couldn’t keep going on… that feeling of “I’m better of being single” was present but once it happened. - a week to myself - I knew I made a mistake and I was able to figure out and articulate my needs. I have been very heart broken about this and don’t understand why “deactivation” took place to then make me regret. Lesson is that feeling of “I’m better of being single”… reality is not emotions… give it more time however with the anxiety, it just builds up it came to a tipping point where I just crumbled. Yeah, that deactivation is a bugger. Thing is, a lot of the time the thought that you're better off single is absolutely true... if you're in an insecure pairing and it's toxic and the dynamic is built on the control dramas. I still feel deactivation, and I wonder if that will always be the case... But it's not a driver. It's like indigestion. I let it pass, just keep doing life. But, that's come with a few years of doing work to build my relationship skills, and I'm in a healthy long term committed relationship that facilitates and fosters growth too. So my innate tendency is like a symptom of a condition I was born with. It doesn't define my action. Also, I have tended to be quite pragmatic in my decisions regarding a lot of things- to set a temporary emotional state to the side while I consider pragmatic solutions and realities is more of an M.O. It's true that the FA tend to deactivate and run screaming.... The DA deactivates and slowly gives up over time. I don't make real rash changes. So that's some insulation from chaos so to speak. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2022 17:43:35 GMT
Her having the ability to move on in three weeks and switching people off mentally means that her relationships are mostly about her, how someone can slot in to her agenda, and that she isn't in touch with the feelings that facilitate an authentic, equal relationship. She's the driver and she needs a passenger, sounds like to me. This doesn't mean she's evil- just self absorbed with her own needs and agendas. Unhealthy, that is. A few months after we broke up I texted her saying “I miss everything we had”. She phoned crying saying she does also and is trying very hard to move on but although she happy with her new boyfriend- she said her brain felt “frazzled” and “didn’t know what to do” she missed what we had, the best friend aspect and wanted a couple of days to think about getting back together…. We never. This is 2 months into her relationship after they been on holiday. I just don’t think that rebound stuff is healthy, yet never been with a partner who moves like that. You're grieving the loss, it's absolutely understandable. You two may have missed what you had, but also what you had was unsustainable. Regardless of your feelings and the fact that you reacted strongly in a way you regret to her control... I mean, based on what you've shared here she's freaking controlling. No matter what endearing traits she has, she is now doing what she does and it's really unhealthy and a slap in the face. This is the reality of her... being sentimental about the days when you were a doormat and she was stepping on you doesn't change that. I've been a doormat, Im not busting your chops. But the fantasy of a future with both of you in your current states is just that. It's a fantasy. Your anxious side is talking now. So yes, you've got some awareness now of how your issues yank you around, and like many of us have, maybe you're bottoming out with the insecure unaware life. It's the beginning of change. It doesn't happen overnight. Don't even consider that it may happen for her... she's knee deep in a new "thing" and hasn't taken a direct approach to anything. This is a loss you have to accept and move on from. Really. I'm not trying to be harsh or uncaring, I've just been there and I know what's ahead of you... the stages and phases and discoveries about secure relating are all new to you and it's a process that takes a lot of commitment. But you needn't lose hope, not at all. Since you know you want to tackle this, you can. You can succeed. And someday you will likely look back on all this in amazement that it wasn't want you thought it was. It will be so clear. You will be glad you didn't settle. You will realize you had some pieces missing but you will be in the process of finding them and securing them in place.... if you know what I mean. It's like anything. You make effort, learn and grow over time, have some setbacks, but eventually look back at where you started amazed that you are simply no longer there... you're in a better place and it makes more sense. Just take it from those who have gone before... focus on your own healing and you will make progress. It won't be without pain but I can't think of a single thing worthwhile that doesn't come with some pain. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 4, 2022 18:04:21 GMT
I find it unhelpful to judge a sick person, especially a fellow sick person suffering from insecure attachment. You’re lucky, you’re here in the first stages of getting help for your malady. That person isn’t. This is time for your growth.
It’s not uncommon for people to have timelines for major events in their lives. How they meet those timelines days a lot about them.
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jacdl
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Post by jacdl on Aug 8, 2022 13:47:38 GMT
Just want to say thanks again to everyone for providing such a in-depth analysis on my situation.
I have learned I needed to communicate my needs and fears however I bottled up throughout relationship that it came to a tipping point where I crumbled - immature of me.
I have learned not to be too hard on myself as I was under a lot of pressure to meet the expectations of my partners plan that I was slung into without warning. That one sided relationship isn’t healthy.
I need to state my boundaries - though I am still unsure what they are…
Overall, life will throw curve balls and I now have the awareness there are tools to help combat anxiety that may arise.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2022 19:14:46 GMT
Just want to say thanks again to everyone for providing such a in-depth analysis on my situation. I have learned I needed to communicate my needs and fears however I bottled up throughout relationship that it came to a tipping point where I crumbled - immature of me. I have learned not to be too hard on myself as I was under a lot of pressure to meet the expectations of my partners plan that I was slung into without warning. That one sided relationship isn’t healthy. I need to state my boundaries - though I am still unsure what they are… Overall, life will throw curve balls and I now have the awareness there are tools to help combat anxiety that may arise. You sound great- grounded and aware. It is not easy to take these lessons in, but learning them paves the way to the life and love you want and deserve. |
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