|
|
Post by sequoia on Aug 6, 2022 3:50:44 GMT
Hi everyone. So I started talking to someone in December after coming out of another relationship. To be honest he match all the criteria that I am looking for in someone. We seemed to have similar ethics and he got along great with my friends. The only issue is that sexually, there felt like there was no spark at all. I didn't really feel the urge to kiss him or be physical with him. I really wanted things to work regardless but there were issues in that respect like he would have sexual malfunctions. It was confusing because he also said he had never experienced that in the bedroom. There was a brief time where there was miscommunication and we ended up not being able to hangout one weekend and he was kind of weird after that. He told me that his friend would be in town for two weeks so we could hang after that. When I said, "that's a long time, you're not going to be able to hang out any of those days?" , he was then like "Oh yeah! you should come to this party with us". Well I felt rejected and basically didn't end up going because I had plans. I tried to invite him to something to make it up and he was just like "oh have fun!" not saying whether he could go or not. So I basically didn't respond to that.
We basically stopped talking but a couple weeks later I felt bad, felt like it was a miscommunication and I reached out saying, "Hey! It seems like we had a miscommunication but I hope all is well. It would be cool to meet up!" and he basically responded saying he would love to get together and no worries. After that things seemed to go well , it was fun going out with him places and things even seemed better in the bedroom a bit. I still just felt like I needed to get to know him better. I did notice however, we barely would text during the week and if I didn't text him first after hanging out he would take days to finally get in touch with me. The last weekend we were supposed to hang was 4th of July but then he caught Covid and basically he had to cancel. I offered to help if he needed anything and he basically said he appreciated it but he would be a hermit for a while. Our conversation basically ended and a few days later I asked him how he was feeling and he texted back and asked me how my week was going. I didn't get back to him util the next day as I was out that day. Then he basically never got back to me until almost two weeks! He basically said he still had covid but he hoped I would have a good upcoming weekend and that he was traveling the following week and hoped to text negative.
After this I didn't respond because I basically feel like he blew me off for a couple weeks. But not I feel like a jerk for never responding. I want to start dating again but I feel weird since we basically were seeing each other for 6 months and it totally died. I believe he is also dismissive avoidant just based on his communication style. It was weird because the week before he got sick we were taking a bunch of photos and it seemed like we were heading into serious territory. Not sure if I should respond at this point? It's been about two weeks since his text.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 6, 2022 5:38:46 GMT
Hi Maybe some of these links would be helpfull to you ? This made me smile - you said, : "that's a long time, you're not going to be able to hang out any of those days?" Theres no request in your sentence ? There’s no suggestion? If you could be more direct, what would you say instead ? The way you said it, could maybe be interpreted as critism… Remember avoidants don’t pick up on hints and things that are unsaid / that are said between the lines Needs - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/21793/jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3282/when-people-say - when you want people to say yes to you How can you get the other person to say yes to what you want ? 1) Be curious why the other says no or might hesitate 2) Ask yourself Why you want the other person to say yes to you 3) Tell the other person what you want, what you wish with joy - “I would really like if, it would make me so happy if….” People want to be allowed to choose freely What if the other says no…Make yourself free of that the other has to say yes. People like that they have the opportunity to say no. People want to be allowed to choose freely. If his avoidant, he can have a tendency to forget about you. He was “busy” having Covid, maybe stressed/worried about getting Covid (people react differently when getting covid) Maybe he felt weak and vulnerable ? If he is dezorganied he can become more desorganized when stressors shows up in his life - like getting Covid ect, For people with avoidant attatchmentstyle it is recommended that they put reminders in their phone, post it notes around their house with names of their friends, their partner, family in order to remember to stay in contact When you want your avoidant partner to say yes to something - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/30609/ - good conversation Sometimes we have to ask more than once |
|
|
|
Post by introvert on Aug 6, 2022 6:18:21 GMT
Clarifying.... you were offended and chose to give him the silent treatment, (presumably to get back at him? Or were you done with it at the time?) but now you want to date again?
How would you approach him this time?
|
|
|
|
Post by sequoia on Aug 6, 2022 6:29:07 GMT
I basically didn't respond because I felt like he blew me off for two weeks and it felt like he had ghosted me. I thought that was his signal that he was trying to slowing let things die.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 6, 2022 7:01:08 GMT
What would be the most loving thing for you self to do right now ? Do you know enough about him now, to make a decision ? Do you have enough information ? Have you communicated enough ? How to get your life energy back when beeing ghosted/ how to send a text - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/29589/How to end a relationship - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/26265/How does your love vision look like ? And what is your ideal sexlife scenario in a relationship ? Are you free enough and do you know how to ask for and show what you want when having sex ? There are threads about sex ect in the general discussion forum, also about sex and the different attatchmentstyles, men vs. women ect. What is your own attatchmentstyle ? You need a lot of patients when you are dating an avoidant, it can take them long time to give meaning to a relationship But he could also have lost interest and not telling you about it…. A lot of people in the dating world acts like cowards, because they don’t know how to be grownups and communicate. As I can understand you have been dating since December ? |
|
|
|
Post by sequoia on Aug 6, 2022 8:18:25 GMT
Hi Anne, thanks for your response. Yeah we started talking in december and started dating in February.. It had a bit of a rocky start because to be honest I was still attracted to someone I dated before and I think it may have been partially why I didn't really feel like I had sexual feelings for this new person. Just hard because I felt like we were compatible in a lot of ways otherwise.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 6, 2022 9:12:57 GMT
This situation sounds confusing, which I'm sure makes it somewhat painful. But it also doesn't sound like everything was good except in the bedroom (which also isn't a small thing). He was being wishy-washy about commitment, has been a terrible and confusing communicator on multiple occasions, and isn't present for you. The reasons for this don't really matter (maybe he's avoidant, maybe he isn't that interested in having the same kind of relationship you prefer with anyone, maybe he has untreated ADHD, whatever), but it matters that the outcome is the same. You keep trying to shoulder the entire relationship for both of you, even though you're not trying that hard, and you're not getting out of it what you want or deserve.
When you say he's a DA also, do you mean you too are a DA? Things rarely get off the ground romantically for two DAs because no one keeps up the inertia, especially when triggered by a fear of engulfment or intimacy.
Ultimately, you can't gauge a relationship and compatibility only based on the good times. How you come together to solve problems, handle stress, and do basic communication is just as important, maybe even more important, than having good times together, having some similar ideas about life, and fitting in with each other's friend groups.
What kind of relationship are you really looking for? It doesn't sound like he's looking for anything too serious, no matter what he says, if in actions he can't commit to being your boyfriend (or really even to texting, from the sound of it) after 6 months. Or maybe he thinks he is ready and is someone oblivious to the passage of time and doesn't notice how long you go without talking. But if that's the case, then he can't give you the type of relationship you want because he's just not capable of it.
You may want to look at this fizzling as a good thing, if you're looking for a serious relationship to happen any time soon. You've been slightly chasing him, enough to get him to respond and reinitiate whatever cycles you're going through on repeat. If you want a serious relationship, it won't be a constant challenge to get it together with someone who truly is compatible with you. And if you want to move on but you're unsure where you stand with him and want to take care of that first (which you probably should, after 6 months, you should be clear with him and know for sure what he wants...), then tell him you're looking for a boyfriend to get serious with and ask what he's looking for? Don't assume or project, just listen to what he has to say. If it's anything other than, "oh I'm sorry, if it wasn't clear I want this too," AND it comes with him consistently showing up for you after that, then tell him it's been great spending time with him but you should part ways.
If he's avoidant, he may be sending hints that things should fizzle, but you also can't read his mind. So it is practicing good communication to state your needs and then listen to his, and walk away if they don't mesh properly. I would wait to do this until he has fully recovered from covid, though. Some people get quite sick.
Good luck finding some resolution!
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 6, 2022 10:22:18 GMT
Try to look at this.
Love vision:
Some of these exercises, such as the Love Vision and Meet Your Future Partner may sound like only for singles. If you already have a partner, then you can make the Love Vision together with your partner - after you have made your own and know what it is that you basically dream about.
Meeting your dream partner is also relevant if you are in a relationship. There you have to see your partner clearly - if you and your partner are sure that you will be together for the next 7 years.
Use the exercise to cultivate the mood and feelings that you dream of are between the two of you!
Make a vision that will make you (almost) experience, the relationship that you dream of RIGHT NOW. This vision can contribute significantly to attracting a lover, the only one in your life! It will open you to love so you can be in the right place at the right time and do what it takes.
Immediately drop the list of how your partner should be!
Even if you get a partner with exactly the traits and qualities that are on your list, there will always be something that you have not thought of.
Because at the conscious level you can't get all the facets.
How to make your love vision:
Describe your vision as concrete and vivid as possible. Describe the vision so that you feel it, feel your enthusiasm and joy over the things that are in it
Describe it in present and positive formulations. What you want to get. Or already have and would like to keep on having
Describe the feelings, sensations, moods and experiences that you would like to have in love life, these are the ones that open you to love and get it attracted!
There are several love visions:
1) The love for yourself: How do you treat yourself, how do you show yourself love, what do you do to feel safe in your everyday life, do you fail yourself? Make loving steps towards yourself, take a small step every day. Make a self-love diary. Write 3-5 points each night about what you might have thought, said, done to pamper yourself. Read your vision from time to time.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1051/love-tips
2) Dating process vision. How does dating feels for you? Many are uncertain during this period. Write what moods, sensations, feelings that are in you. Recall these feelings when you date. "I feel comfortable in myself, we communicate daily, we see eachother a couple times a week. When I am with my date we are both interested in making it comfortable for each other, I feel calm in the body, I am curious and open."
3) Long term lovevision:
Livingsituation, kids, Work, families, friends ect.
Merge your values into the vision
Describe what and how it is in your relationship
Your way of being together
Communication
Activities and your sex life
Alone time
Other relationships - family, friends, children
Economy
Housing -form-seperate, together, apartment, house, in the city, country 🏠 ect
Possibly cohabitation
Free time, travel,e vacations ect.
Other things
Read your vision at least every day - especially you need to focus on the emotions and moods. There may be a need - very easy even. Allow it to be there too.
How does a typical lovevision look like:
Love vision:
The secure:
harmonious, passionate, warm, cordial, loving, spacious, balanced.
The ambivalent:
long, romantic, "we do / we feel /
you are / you do". There can be a lot of passion.
The dismissive :
Short, objective descriptions, without dicribtions of many moods, sensations and feelings, because the dismissive have closed of from their body.
The disorganized:
Messy, with contradictory things, confusing to read.
Love vision:
If you've got some ambivalent attatchmentstyle IT is important to put elements in the vision that gives a calm nerveussystem.
That IT is clear, that you are together with the RIGHT person. When visualising the dating phase, that you are calm inside and that you are able to live your daily life ect. and that you are able to stay calm even if your future partner texts with 2 Days in between.
If you have got some desorganised attatchmentstyle that things between you evolves in a calm and slow way with no drama, that boundaries are respected, that you and your partner feels egual ect
If you've got some dismissive attatchmentstyle it is important to describe your lovevision with your feelings, needs ect. You can ask some of your friends to get inspired.
You can make a collage with pictures from magasines of things and experiences you want in your relationship.
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25040/
Love activity:
Create your relationship now!
Turn off your phone ect. for ½ hour, where you are undisturbed for this activity
Find a paper and a pen - or your PC
Sit back and breathe deeply 3 times. Breathe slowly out every time!
Imagine that you have now met and are with the only one in your life. That you have the relationship exactly as you long to have (also allow any need / grief over he / she is not there yet)
Write down:
How would your life be different from what it is right now?
What would it give you to have this relationship?
What feelings / mood?
What else in your life right now, could give you that mood?
If it is security/safety, what could give you an experience of security/safety right now?
If it is cohesion, what could give you an experience of cohesion?
If it is adventure, joy, sexual gratification, having a partner to do things together with, relief, lightness, meaningfulness, feeling good enough, hoping for children, etc. - what could just give you a similar feeling even though it may be a weaker feeling?
Start today doing the things that can give you the feelings and moods!
Keep doing the things the next few days and weeks - and notice the mood it gives you
Negative emotions and discomfort may appear. These are typically signs of lack. Stay with this the best as you can or wait to do this activity until you are more in balance.
It can also be other old things that pops up. It is a good idea to clean up in these things, if you want to attract the partner You want. It is not, that you have to be completely whole and perfect - it happens to very few - but that you reconcile yourself to those things and land them.
Acceptance is the first step. Accept the moods and feelings that are here now. Sometimes, especially if you have shock trauma energy in stock, then it may require more landing of the nerveussystem than acceptance
With this activity you build your skills up to attract your future partner.
If you want to have a partner, who wants to spend a Lot of time with you, show yourself that you are Worth spending time with. Spend. quality time with yourself 30 min a Day.
|
|
|
|
Post by introvert on Aug 6, 2022 12:24:03 GMT
Respectfully disagreeing that this guy is the source of wishy washy behavior. It sounds to me like he started as a casual rebound for OP, considering the first few statements made in the post. The rocky start because she was still attracted to her ex probably wasn't completely unrecognized by him, nor the fact that she wasn't even sexually attracted to him. My understanding of men is that they too want to feel desired, and hooking up with someone who isn't attracted to you sounds like a wet blanket experience to me, one easily let go of.
It's not a good plan to pursue someone who can check boxes on your list but whom you aren't attracted to, and it's also unlikely that a rebound relationship is healthy on your part, or fair to the person you are dating.
The communication sounds insufficient and confusing on both ends, but even with that being the case, absence speaks louder than words. It seems that he is as casual as you were initially, and hasn't shifted. He's not here to say, but from the sounds of it, it is probably best to take his lack of pursuit as a signal that he's not interested in more than has transpired.
Both of you sound unavailable and not ready for relationship, and maybe for you, some time to process what's going on inside of you that has you in a conundrum with an unavailable man would be good. It sounds like you are hurting from unmet needs and trying to get them met from him, without having really processed the ending of the last relationship? Perhaps you've transferred some unresolved issues to this situation and it would be more helpful to turn inward and learn about your own attachment style and what may be standing in the way of healthy relationships on your end.
Good luck!
|
|
