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Post by duklaprague on Dec 2, 2022 0:00:56 GMT
So I don’t know if she is FA with childhood wounds, or FA with wounds from her marriage, or if her marriage triggered childhood wounds. Or if all of this is just brought on by general anxiety that I know she suffers from. While it doesn't really matter what caused her to have an insecure attachment style, in the big picture sense that she's not able to be in the type of relationship that you're looking for (or deserve!) right now, the way to think about this is, a lot of insecures who aren't particularly cognizant of their attachment style or their patterns subconsciously choose romantic partners who feel familiar and replay the negative childhood dynamics that they wish they could change. So it's most likely she has anxiety from the same childhood issues that caused her insecure attachment style, and then as an adult was attracted to someone who was going to recreate the same toxicity. That didn't help her issues, but the foundation and tendencies were almost definitely already there. The subconscious patterns continue, the insecure person chose another partner (her ex, in this case) to prove and validate all her fears (you can't trust other people, you don't deserve to be treated well), it's all part of intimacy fears and self-fulfilling prophecies typical to all insecure attachment styles. So I wouldn't try to parse it out between her marriage and childhood, I'd see it as all connected. Which indicates how many years she's been living with these issues, which means she won't be able to resolve them overnight even if she decides it's time for her to heal her trauma (it is doable but usually takes a couple years of earnest and focused effort). It is also very likely that if you talk about that part with her, you're going to find she doesn't know the answers or how she feels about a lot of the stuff in her past. I know it does sadly come down to her not being able to offer more. It’s just really hard as this wasn’t just a few months on. It’s three years in and although she did find all the “lovey dovey” stuff a bit scary at first, we’ve been pretty loved up for well over two of those three years. I guess the geographic distance and us not living in each others pockets helped her keep her avoidant side in check. And that does make sense with her ex, that it’s all connected. And now she seems to have had her fears well and truly validated, hence saying things like “if it didn’t work with him, it won’t work with anyone”, or asking me early on “why would you love me?”. I can’t help but not want to walk away from her, because I care about her deeply. But I know it would be very difficult to bring this stuff up. At best she might find it painful, or patronising of me to ‘diagnose’ her in sone way… at worst it could just push her away more. I do wonder if she had any awareness of what might be going on though, or any insight from any counselling she has had. I messaged her last night after five weeks of no contact. She hasn’t replied, so all of the may be moot if I don’t ever speak to her again. But it’s all just heartbreaking to think she may have all this going on, and may never be truly happy if she cannot heal. And that’s what makes me just want to give her a big hug, even though I know I can’t, and that it wouldn’t fix anything anyway.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 3, 2022 3:15:57 GMT
While it doesn't really matter what caused her to have an insecure attachment style, in the big picture sense that she's not able to be in the type of relationship that you're looking for (or deserve!) right now, the way to think about this is, a lot of insecures who aren't particularly cognizant of their attachment style or their patterns subconsciously choose romantic partners who feel familiar and replay the negative childhood dynamics that they wish they could change. So it's most likely she has anxiety from the same childhood issues that caused her insecure attachment style, and then as an adult was attracted to someone who was going to recreate the same toxicity. That didn't help her issues, but the foundation and tendencies were almost definitely already there. The subconscious patterns continue, the insecure person chose another partner (her ex, in this case) to prove and validate all her fears (you can't trust other people, you don't deserve to be treated well), it's all part of intimacy fears and self-fulfilling prophecies typical to all insecure attachment styles. So I wouldn't try to parse it out between her marriage and childhood, I'd see it as all connected. Which indicates how many years she's been living with these issues, which means she won't be able to resolve them overnight even if she decides it's time for her to heal her trauma (it is doable but usually takes a couple years of earnest and focused effort). It is also very likely that if you talk about that part with her, you're going to find she doesn't know the answers or how she feels about a lot of the stuff in her past. I know it does sadly come down to her not being able to offer more. It’s just really hard as this wasn’t just a few months on. It’s three years in and although she did find all the “lovey dovey” stuff a bit scary at first, we’ve been pretty loved up for well over two of those three years. I guess the geographic distance and us not living in each others pockets helped her keep her avoidant side in check. And that does make sense with her ex, that it’s all connected. And now she seems to have had her fears well and truly validated, hence saying things like “if it didn’t work with him, it won’t work with anyone”, or asking me early on “why would you love me?”. I can’t help but not want to walk away from her, because I care about her deeply. But I know it would be very difficult to bring this stuff up. At best she might find it painful, or patronising of me to ‘diagnose’ her in sone way… at worst it could just push her away more. I do wonder if she had any awareness of what might be going on though, or any insight from any counselling she has had. I messaged her last night after five weeks of no contact. She hasn’t replied, so all of the may be moot if I don’t ever speak to her again. But it’s all just heartbreaking to think she may have all this going on, and may never be truly happy if she cannot heal. And that’s what makes me just want to give her a big hug, even though I know I can’t, and that it wouldn’t fix anything anyway. The thing is…you can’t make her happy or make up for what happened to her in the past…that is an internal job that she needs to do on her own timeline. Part of caring about someone is allowing that person to be where he or she is at and honoring it.
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