FA broke up to work on himself or was it just an excuse?

As an FA, these are not FA behaviors…however, I dated a narcissist who did these things.

So…I would encourage you to look at him as an individual rather than an attachment type.  I am an FA and I have never demonstrated what you are describing.  To me…it sounds way more narcissistic than FA.  All insecurely attached individuals can display narcissistic characteristics at times.  It is because of a lack of tools from our childhood.  What I would suggest doing is to explore your own attraction to insecure men…such as the prior narc and this guy.  That way, you take back the power to choose better partners in the future.

Hi annalee Your story has so many similarities to mine - you can go back and read it if that helps to see the journey?

Our relationship had a very similar trajectory in terms of having an amazing strong connection, similar values, we massively enjoyed the time we spent together, had so much in common, we seemed to be so in love and committed, he also inspired me massively in terms of his career and his interests and ideas about the world. But it happened quite regularly that he would suggest we finish the relationship, and always after I had brought up something that required a deeper discussion about our relationship. But he would always come back after each time he retreated with big apologies, saying he was just scared and was determined to work on his stuff, which he quite openly acknowledged and was getting counselling etc to try and work on... Near the very end, he also broke up wth me over a text saying he needed to work on himself and couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, but then he came back again some weeks later... only to cheat and end it again in a really cruel way that has taken many months for me to truly heal. So what I'm trying to say is that this cycle that goes around and around, it has the potential to get worse and worse as time goes on and intimacy deepens but dysfunctional patterns haven't been interrupted. Better to leave it alone now because the next round could be even more devastating.

In hindsight, I definitely recognised some narc type traits in my ex, although to be honest with you, the flavour I got from him was more of a quiet borderline personality type.. he doesn't have the grandiose approach to anything, and his low self worth, shame and guilt for the way he sometimes acts, and his abandonment wounds are huge and very much on the surface, plus he did a lot of mirroring and showing me what he thought I wanted to see instead of who he actually was, plus idealising me and then devaluing me.... before the final discard where it's like he was a different person completely! But while I recognise these traits now and it was helpful for me to pick it apart a little bit, I'm not sure it's too helpful to get hung on the labels of it all too much. FA / NPD / BPD, but also all the other flavours of insecure attachment - all of it is unhealthy behaviour that is coming from an unhealed place, and has the potential to be very damaging within a relationship.

I empathise with you about the feelings of it being a tragedy to lose a relationship that felt so connected, and to have someone turn on a dime and act like a totally different person when you'd gotten used to who you thought they were. It's a real mind-bender and you really need to work at keeping a realistic view of your relationship in your head - knowing there were problems and things you were facing, but there was also a whole other level of emotional turmoil and shame and fear that your ex was probably keeping away from you. Sometimes we don't want to see what's under the surface, and will ignore the red flags because we don't want to lose the relationship. It's easy to wonder whether we could have said something differently/done something differently in order to keep it, but I think in many cases, in order to keep a relationship that is in hinged on that much insecurity, you really have to abandon yourself and your own needs.

I think it's comforting to think about the good times as real... but recognise it wasn't the whole picture. It's now about working through those layers of grief and sadness... it's not easy because you're grieving the idea of something that you thought you were going to have, something you wanted, something that had the potential to be really special... My heart goes out to you because I understand this feeling. But I also see that the reality would most likely not have played out in this way, and focusing on yourself and your own needs is the only way to move forwards.

I know several friends who have worked on themselves, earned secure and have successful relationships.  These friends worked very hard in therapy to understand the trauma from their past and develop new healthy skills and tools….but it takes years of therapy.  Also, the guy I last dated who had at the time an avoidant leaning FA attachment is married with children.  I have not spoken to him but I understand he is doing well with his wife.

I think what is a bit lost in your story is treating him as if he is his attachment style and not as a person who experienced trauma and is insecure.  No one is born with FA, DA or AP attachments…these develop during the youngest phases of childhood as a result of the relationship to the parents.  He isn’t FA…he is “(his name) with attachment wounding”.  The whole point of understanding someone else’s  attachment style is to better understand your own.  Right now, the trauma you are experiencing is causing a loop of questions about him.  The focus really needs to shift back to you.  Have you discussed these feelings and concerns with your therapist?







youngest 

I want to weigh in on this speculation about narcissism vs avoidant, and add that the last sentence there is what a Ive seen over and over again from anxious attached on this forum. So let's remember that it's up to professionals interacting directly with an individual to diagnose a personality disorder. In every case of a relationship gone wrong it's helpful to understand the other person to *some degree, but what I note here is that you didn't trust yourself to make your own decisions in your own best interest. In my opinion a therapist shouldn't push you one way or the other and it sounds like yours encouraged you to stick it out even as you had serious doubts? Maybe I misunderstand. But either way, you have some traumatic history with a narc and now this relationship to examine your own unhealthy habits. That's what is going to bet you some real answers as to what happened and how you can prevent it in future relationships. Best of luck!