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Post by stevie on Sept 5, 2022 16:15:31 GMT
Ok so my mind is blown. I found out that my ex actually looks a lot like the 20 year old version of me and it slowly starts to fall into place. I always thought that I was AP but I think I actually am FA leaning anxious (and I'm pretty sure he's FA leaning avoidant). When I read the sentence "go away but don't leave me" it hit home.
My latest ex is different compared to previous boyfriends, who were more arrogant or 'cold' and dismissive of emotions. Crying was a sign of weakness, being strong was the norm. They rejected every sign of human emotions. Definitely DA or even, I suspect, NPD. Three years of being single and countless of psychotherapy sessions later, I met my ex. He was sweet. So kind, friendly, sensitive and caring. I've never met a man who was so interested in me and who was able to hold so much space for me. Even after months of pushing and pulling (hindsight is 20/20) I was baffled when he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was convinced of him being a secure because he seemed so emotionally stable in the beginning. Now I know he was probably lovebombing me because as soon as the honeymoon period ended for him, there was no sign of commitment or intimacy and he kept asking for more and more space, up until the point that I couldn't even label this as a relationship anymore.
It's exactly the way I was 10 years ago. I was nice to everyone. I always listened with my full attention and always tried to make the people around me feel good. Like him I was able to apologize but never really did the work to actually change. I often ignored my own needs because "he can't help it, he's been through so much. I have to be there for him." And then one day poof, I'd be gone, because I couldn't live up to expectations anymore. I used to be a huge people pleaser, but little did I know that the friendships and relationships I had were all pretty superficial. It was only when I was 27, after a relationship that lasted 7 years, that I discovered who I truly was. So afraid of not being good enough, afraid that people would get to know the 'real me', afraid of losing people. I really went through some sort of grieving process when I found out I wasn't really that empathetic at all. Especially the fact that I've been manipulative and that I hurt all these people in the process made me severely depressed, to the point that I didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't this beacon of love and light. I didn't know what love was. This was fear.
It's the manipulation and difficulties in emotion regulation that set off my alarm bells, among other things. Statements such as "I can be very black and white" and "I live in extremes" I recognize as no other. Certain comments had such an impact on him that he described himself as worthless and someone who didn't deserve it to be proud of. Which by the way also worked the other way around: if someone complimented him, especially a colleague, he was the happiest man in the entire world (he's a workaholic). Every week he sent me pics of a morbidly obese man and said that this is what he looks like, while it doesn't even come close to what he actually looks like.
It feels like I'm watching 20 year old me and it broke me. Even when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore he didn't want me to leave. He wanted me to stand by him by giving him enough space so he could find out why he suddenly felt this way, and why I was everything he ever wanted on paper but didn't feel it anymore. It's sad because I know exactly how it feels but I'm just not capable of giving him what he needs, especially because he doesn't seem to have awareness. I wish I could be the stable, secure person he needed but I'm just not, which is a hard pill to swallow for me. I love this man to death and I hope he finds what he needs.
I don't know what my point is, I just wanted to let it all out I guess. Never in a million years did I think I would ever date an avoidant again but it happened and it broke my heart. On the one hand because I felt so hurt and confused all over again and I never thought I would ever feel this way again, on the other because I know how terrible he probably feels right now and I wish I could've given him the love he needed.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 5, 2022 18:10:46 GMT
It's sad because I know exactly how it feels but I'm just not capable of giving him what he needs, especially because he doesn't seem to have awareness. I wish I could be the stable, secure person he needed but I'm just not, which is a hard pill to swallow for me. I love this man to death and I hope he finds what he needs. It sounds like you've come through a lot and done a ton of work on yourself, and you should be proud of that. There were aspects of your story that reminded me of what mrob went through when he gained awareness, so you are not alone in your experience. Since you've come a long way after seeking professional help, you know that it takes your own drive and motivation to start to face attachment issues. No one else can do it for you, and they can't even encourage or inspire you unless you're ready to take the steps for yourself. That includes someone who is fully stable and secure. I think it is a myth that having a stable and secure partner is the way out of insecurity. It is true that it can help: a secure match won't cause the insecure-insecure triggering which so often happens. But while the insecure person can develop a secure attachment to the secure person and use it to model healthier ways of being, it does not actually change the insecure person's attachment style on its own. The insecure person will still have their insecure style, act in their patterns, and trigger themselves until they are ready to try to heal the trauma that resulted in the insecure attachment style developing as a defense mechanism. Which means, no one is capable of giving him what he needs except himself. Do not beat yourself up for not being able to do that. This is neither here nor there, but some of the things you listed in your post make it sound like he may have some borderline traits. That's a whole other set of challenges on top of attachment issues, too. I really think you are doing what's best, recognizing this relationship dynamic isn't the one you want even though it's no one's fault, and wishing him well while stepping back and mourning the relationship and processing it. Maybe he'll get there one day, maybe he won't, but don't lose sight of how you've come a long way and are doing right by you, which helped you treat him with as much love, understanding, and respect as possible. It is also okay to have more work left to do for yourself. Dating out of "type" and exploring new dynamics can reveal what lessons are left to learn until you're ready to find a partner who can consistently show up for you. |
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Post by stevie on Sept 5, 2022 18:51:40 GMT
It's sad because I know exactly how it feels but I'm just not capable of giving him what he needs, especially because he doesn't seem to have awareness. I wish I could be the stable, secure person he needed but I'm just not, which is a hard pill to swallow for me. I love this man to death and I hope he finds what he needs. It sounds like you've come through a lot and done a ton of work on yourself, and you should be proud of that. There were aspects of your story that reminded me of what mrob went through when he gained awareness, so you are not alone in your experience. Since you've come a long way after seeking professional help, you know that it takes your own drive and motivation to start to face attachment issues. No one else can do it for you, and they can't even encourage or inspire you unless you're ready to take the steps for yourself. That includes someone who is fully stable and secure. I think it is a myth that having a stable and secure partner is the way out of insecurity. It is true that it can help: a secure match won't cause the insecure-insecure triggering which so often happens. But while the insecure person can develop a secure attachment to the secure person and use it to model healthier ways of being, it does not actually change the insecure person's attachment style on its own. The insecure person will still have their insecure style, act in their patterns, and trigger themselves until they are ready to try to heal the trauma that resulted in the insecure attachment style developing as a defense mechanism. Which means, no one is capable of giving him what he needs except himself. Do not beat yourself up for not being able to do that. This is neither here nor there, but some of the things you listed in your post make it sound like he may have some borderline traits. That's a whole other set of challenges on top of attachment issues, too. I really think you are doing what's best, recognizing this relationship dynamic isn't the one you want even though it's no one's fault, and wishing him well while stepping back and mourning the relationship and processing it. Maybe he'll get there one day, maybe he won't, but don't lose sight of how you've come a long way and are doing right by you, which helped you treat him with as much love, understanding, and respect as possible. It is also okay to have more work left to do for yourself. Dating out of "type" and exploring new dynamics can reveal what lessons are left to learn until you're ready to find a partner who can consistently show up for you. Thank you so much Alexandra! I was honestly thinking about BPD traits too. Five years ago I was diagnosed with high functioning BPD myself and I read everything under the sun about attachment styles, so I think it's weird that for almost a year it didn't even cross my mind that he might have some traits. Now I can't unsee it. I find it extremely difficult to let him go, even though I'm the one who called it quits because I couldn't handle the push-pull cycle anymore. I miss him so much. I don't experience the sense of relief a lot of FA's talk about after breaking up, probably because he's more avoidant than I am? For some reason I'm always more attracted to DA's and FA's (leaning avoidant) than AP's, in both friendships and romantic relationships. This may sound really stupid but sometimes I wish I could be with someone AP (who's aware of being AP) because I think deep down we have similar thoughts about relationships, but I tend to feel smothered :-( I need space, as ridiculous that may sound from someone who's unable to give someone else a lot of space lol. Balance is key I guess? Is this something typically FA? Go away but don't leave me? I'm also an introvert, I need to be by myself to get energized, not necessarily out of fear for intimacy. I generally like being intimate and affectionate. I really thought I worked towards being more secure but this situation made me question myself a lot. Thank you for saying that it probably wouldn't have mattered and that it's not my fault. I read so many stories on internet saying that FA's need a securely attached person in order to make it work and it made me doubt myself a lot. If only, what if. I don't even know what to look for anymore when it comes to someone with a secure attachment style. I really thought this was it. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 5:51:42 GMT
I agree with alexandra that it's a myth that a secure partner will heal an insecure partner. First, because I think it's rare for an insecure partner to choose a secure partner. Much more common to pick someone who enables the insecure dynamics within. Another insecure who mirrors the unavailability. Second, I think it's just a silly idea. Why? Of all the issues humans have in their psychology, this would be the ONE issue where the solution lies outside the self, in another person?!? Come on! Everything else from addiction to personality disorder to phobia to OCD to PTSD to grief to depression or anxiety requires change of habit or cognitive process or even medication within the SELF, but for attachment insecurity what fixes you is a secure partner? Fix the external? Preposterous. Insecure attachment requires the same types of internal work and transformation undertaken by the insecure person as any other issue. The presence of a secure partner can facilitate progress but not create change in and of itself. An insecure partner will set an FA back, and FA will be very reactive to an insecure partner, but as the dysfunction exists inside the FA that is where the solution lies. I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too many romantic comedies. |
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 6, 2022 6:27:36 GMT
I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too many romantic comedies. Unfortunately the book Attached makes this exactly claim. The author obviously realizes he has made at least one mistake, has said that if he were to write it now the way he addressed avoidants would be completely different. It feels like he needs to write a second edition as it's a lot of people's entry point into attachment theory. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 6, 2022 6:42:16 GMT
I agree with alexandra that it's a myth that a secure partner will heal an insecure partner. First, because I think it's rare for an insecure partner to choose a secure partner. Much more common to pick someone who enables the insecure dynamics within. Another insecure who mirrors the unavailability. Second, I think it's just a silly idea. Why? Of all the issues humans have in their psychology, this would be the ONE issue where the solution lies outside the self, in another person?!? Come on! Everything else from addiction to personality disorder to phobia to OCD to PTSD to grief to depression or anxiety requires change of habit or cognitive process or even medication within the SELF, but for attachment insecurity what fixes you is a secure partner? Fix the external? Preposterous. Insecure attachment requires the same types of internal work and transformation undertaken by the insecure person as any other issue. The presence of a secure partner can facilitate progress but not create change in and of itself. An insecure partner will set an FA back, and FA will be very reactive to an insecure partner, but as the dysfunction exists inside the FA that is where the solution lies. I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too many romantic comedies. The insecure may be able to behave for a little while, but sooner or later it comes out. I realised the secure qualities I wanted before I knew of attachment theory. I married one and when I blew that marriage apart with my FA actions, I found another, and…..well, that got me here. For a securely attached person, our behaviour makes no sense at all. Hell, it made no sense at all to me when I was acting out! |
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Post by stevie on Sept 6, 2022 8:55:05 GMT
I agree with alexandra that it's a myth that a secure partner will heal an insecure partner. First, because I think it's rare for an insecure partner to choose a secure partner. Much more common to pick someone who enables the insecure dynamics within. Another insecure who mirrors the unavailability. Second, I think it's just a silly idea. Why? Of all the issues humans have in their psychology, this would be the ONE issue where the solution lies outside the self, in another person?!? Come on! Everything else from addiction to personality disorder to phobia to OCD to PTSD to grief to depression or anxiety requires change of habit or cognitive process or even medication within the SELF, but for attachment insecurity what fixes you is a secure partner? Fix the external? Preposterous. Insecure attachment requires the same types of internal work and transformation undertaken by the insecure person as any other issue. The presence of a secure partner can facilitate progress but not create change in and of itself. An insecure partner will set an FA back, and FA will be very reactive to an insecure partner, but as the dysfunction exists inside the FA that is where the solution lies. I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too manIy romantic comedies. [br Hi introvert, thank you! I hear you. Some friends of mine have very secure relationships, although they're not secure themselves. Their partners are. It's true that it doesn't fix their own attachment styles because they still need therapy to manage it, but they couldn't have been happier. However, the more I think about it and the more I read on this forum, the more I realize they're not avoidant, or at least not that extreme. They're all willing to be consistent in communicating, spending time together, making each other happy without pushing them too far away. They have some struggles here and there because of their anxiety but they always try to make it work, which is exactly what was missing in my own relationship. He pushed and pushed and kept pushing despite communicating boundaries (lesson learned!), until he completely lost his feelings for me and there was nothing left for me to do but break up. It makes me sad sometimes when I read that if only I had been more independent, if I only I had been more secure, it could have worked. I internalize a lot, I tend to blame myself so I'm very sensitive to these things. |
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Post by stevie on Sept 6, 2022 9:10:53 GMT
I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too many romantic comedies. Unfortunately the book Attached makes this exactly claim. The author obviously realizes he has made at least one mistake, has said that if he were to write it now the way he addressed avoidants would be completely different. It feels like he needs to write a second edition as it's a lot of people's entry point into attachment theory. This made me curious because internet is filled with stories about how having a secure partner helps DA's and FA's navigate their own attachment styles. I think there's some truth to it because I'm FA and what helped me the most in therapy is the connection I had with my therapist. Her being consistent, reliable and so on. But then again I'm definitely on the anxious side and all of my exes were either DA, NPD or FA leaning avoidant, and I think the biggest difference I experienced is that unlike them I always wanted to connect on a deeper level, even though it also scares the sh*t out of me. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Sept 6, 2022 10:07:34 GMT
Hi stevie, I agree with you that it's possible to have a healthy relationship with an insecure attachment... I can think of several couples who are like this, one in particular - she is avoidant and he is anxious, and they're just the most beautiful couple ever. I know they have things that are hard, but they're so, so devoted to each other, and they've developed strategies over the many years they've been together to help them handle their mismatch in needs - she needs way more space than him, and he needs heaps of affection and attention, she finds it terrifying to talk through problems, and he wants to lay it all on the table as soon as it happens... but the way they talk about their differences is lovely - they recognise that they're different because of their childhoods and trauma, and neither is wrong, so they meet each other in the middle. But the respect and commitment they show to each other is inspiring. They've only just heard about attachment styles, and they're fascinated by it. So yes, it is very possible to have a healthy, lasting relationship if both people are willing to work through what feels hard, keep showing up, develop strategies that will work, and be prepared to work on your own stuff outside of that. I think the cruel part of extreme avoidance is that the impulse to run away and shut down completely instead of stay and talk... because that move in itself means it's impossible to work through problems, and often means the end of a relationship. Extreme anxious behaviour is just as damaging and perhaps impossible to work with as well, but the reality is that anxious partners are the ones who tend to stay and try to fix problems within a relationship, because that's part of the anxious behaviour generally, to control/fix/soothe in order to avoid abandonment. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 12:59:59 GMT
Unfortunately the book Attached makes this exactly claim. The author obviously realizes he has made at least one mistake, has said that if he were to write it now the way he addressed avoidants would be completely different. It feels like he needs to write a second edition as it's a lot of people's entry point into attachment theory. This made me curious because internet is filled with stories about how having a secure partner helps DA's and FA's navigate their own attachment styles. I think there's some truth to it because I'm FA and what helped me the most in therapy is the connection I had with my therapist. Her being consistent, reliable and so on. But then again I'm definitely on the anxious side and all of my exes were either DA, NPD or FA leaning avoidant, and I think the biggest difference I experienced is that unlike them I always wanted to connect on a deeper level, even though it also scares the sh*t out of me. I'm DA in a healthy relationship. Rather, I'm former DA earning secure. The relationship I have would NOT be possible if my partner was who he is but I was not doing my own work! What I expressed above is that I don't believe the myth that having a secure partner is the fix... doing the work is the fix and having a secure partner facilitates that. My internal processes have been what they are regardless of anything else in my life, until I worked directly on my issues. So I'm one of the insecurely attached in a relationship that is healthy. But the relationship didn't happen without consistent, accountable effort on BOTH sides. There is no accurate gauge of exactly how secure someone is, but the hallmarks of security are self awareness and emotional availability. So if someone has those in play then of course they are going to benefit their partner by relating in ways that are nurturing and supportive and allow autonomy and personal freedom and safety. An insecure partner will trigger and control an avoidant or otherwise insecure partner and that is conducive to insecure defenses. There is the difference. But in either case the insecure partner who is doing the work will grow, and eventually leave the relationship and find a healthier partner or stifle their own evolution. Basically, the relationship you're in is the one that fits you, the one you're ready for. If you have a healthy relationship it's because you have attained a level of health capable of one. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 13:07:48 GMT
I agree with alexandra that it's a myth that a secure partner will heal an insecure partner. First, because I think it's rare for an insecure partner to choose a secure partner. Much more common to pick someone who enables the insecure dynamics within. Another insecure who mirrors the unavailability. Second, I think it's just a silly idea. Why? Of all the issues humans have in their psychology, this would be the ONE issue where the solution lies outside the self, in another person?!? Come on! Everything else from addiction to personality disorder to phobia to OCD to PTSD to grief to depression or anxiety requires change of habit or cognitive process or even medication within the SELF, but for attachment insecurity what fixes you is a secure partner? Fix the external? Preposterous. Insecure attachment requires the same types of internal work and transformation undertaken by the insecure person as any other issue. The presence of a secure partner can facilitate progress but not create change in and of itself. An insecure partner will set an FA back, and FA will be very reactive to an insecure partner, but as the dysfunction exists inside the FA that is where the solution lies. I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too many romantic comedies. The insecure may be able to behave for a little while, but sooner or later it comes out. I realised the secure qualities I wanted before I knew of attachment theory. I married one and when I blew that marriage apart with my FA actions, I found another, and…..well, that got me here. For a securely attached person, our behaviour makes no sense at all. Hell, it made no sense at all to me when I was acting out! Right! An insecure partner can really destabilize a secure person, and Id say that's more likely than the other way around. I had to get to a certain level of emotional availability to 1) be attracted to the elements of a secure relationship 2) be appealing to a partner healthy enough to have a secure relationship. There was no "Just add the right partner and stir!" Actually, I find the idea of being fixed by a partner kind of offensive because of the deep, sincere and difficult work I did to address my existential pain. Security is earned, not bestowed. I did the work and having done it I really do reject the idea that anyone outside of me caused my transformation. Being loved well enabled me to safely do my work, but do my work I did. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 13:10:02 GMT
I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too many romantic comedies. Unfortunately the book Attached makes this exactly claim. The author obviously realizes he has made at least one mistake, has said that if he were to write it now the way he addressed avoidants would be completely different. It feels like he needs to write a second edition as it's a lot of people's entry point into attachment theory. I haven't read the book but I've heard it's absolute shit, so that's good he realized a mistake. More than one author has got it wrong on avoidants but there are plenty of good resources out there, so that's good. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 13:14:01 GMT
I agree with alexandra that it's a myth that a secure partner will heal an insecure partner. First, because I think it's rare for an insecure partner to choose a secure partner. Much more common to pick someone who enables the insecure dynamics within. Another insecure who mirrors the unavailability. Second, I think it's just a silly idea. Why? Of all the issues humans have in their psychology, this would be the ONE issue where the solution lies outside the self, in another person?!? Come on! Everything else from addiction to personality disorder to phobia to OCD to PTSD to grief to depression or anxiety requires change of habit or cognitive process or even medication within the SELF, but for attachment insecurity what fixes you is a secure partner? Fix the external? Preposterous. Insecure attachment requires the same types of internal work and transformation undertaken by the insecure person as any other issue. The presence of a secure partner can facilitate progress but not create change in and of itself. An insecure partner will set an FA back, and FA will be very reactive to an insecure partner, but as the dysfunction exists inside the FA that is where the solution lies. I am not buying the myth, neither should anyone who feels guilt about not being able to rescue or save or love someone out of a problem. That can work somewhat with pet adoption but not with adult human relationships. Never have seen a healthy person magically transform a dysfunctional person. I've only heard about and witnessed the internal process in the person who suffers. The myth is stuff movies are made of though. The plot of too manIy romantic comedies. [br Hi introvert, thank you! I hear you. Some friends of mine have very secure relationships, although they're not secure themselves. Their partners are. It's true that it doesn't fix their own attachment styles because they still need therapy to manage it, but they couldn't have been happier. However, the more I think about it and the more I read on this forum, the more I realize they're not avoidant, or at least not that extreme. They're all willing to be consistent in communicating, spending time together, making each other happy without pushing them too far away. They have some struggles here and there because of their anxiety but they always try to make it work, which is exactly what was missing in my own relationship. He pushed and pushed and kept pushing despite communicating boundaries (lesson learned!), until he completely lost his feelings for me and there was nothing left for me to do but break up. It makes me sad sometimes when I read that if only I had been more independent, if I only I had been more secure, it could have worked. I internalize a lot, I tend to blame myself so I'm very sensitive to these things. That last paragraph there is you ruminating and has no bearing on reality. The thing to focus on is self awareness that you are ruminating instead of beating the dead horse you are ruminating about, trying to figure out if the lie is true. It's a lie, the ruminating is the problem here. |
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Post by stevie on Sept 6, 2022 13:47:29 GMT
[br Hi introvert, thank you! I hear you. Some friends of mine have very secure relationships, although they're not secure themselves. Their partners are. It's true that it doesn't fix their own attachment styles because they still need therapy to manage it, but they couldn't have been happier. However, the more I think about it and the more I read on this forum, the more I realize they're not avoidant, or at least not that extreme. They're all willing to be consistent in communicating, spending time together, making each other happy without pushing them too far away. They have some struggles here and there because of their anxiety but they always try to make it work, which is exactly what was missing in my own relationship. He pushed and pushed and kept pushing despite communicating boundaries (lesson learned!), until he completely lost his feelings for me and there was nothing left for me to do but break up. It makes me sad sometimes when I read that if only I had been more independent, if I only I had been more secure, it could have worked. I internalize a lot, I tend to blame myself so I'm very sensitive to these things. That last paragraph there is you ruminating and has no bearing on reality. The thing to focus on is self awareness that you are ruminating instead of beating the dead horse you are ruminating about, trying to figure out if the lie is true. It's a lie, the ruminating is the problem here. I know, you're absolutely right. I know in the end it doesn't matter because my needs weren't met and that in itself should have been enough. I've always had difficulties trying to find out if what I need is 'normal' or is it my anxiety speaking, because so many people called me needy and dependant. I still barely know what 'normal' is, I always question myself even after a shit ton of therapy, which is probably one of the reasons why I'm prone to manipulation. Then I question myself even more which brought me here. Sometimes I try to imagine what a secure person would do in certain situations but then I realize I really have no f*cking clue lol. I'm on it. Work in progress. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 13:57:13 GMT
That last paragraph there is you ruminating and has no bearing on reality. The thing to focus on is self awareness that you are ruminating instead of beating the dead horse you are ruminating about, trying to figure out if the lie is true. It's a lie, the ruminating is the problem here. I know, you're absolutely right. I know in the end it doesn't matter because my needs weren't met and that in itself should have been enough. I've always had difficulties trying to find out if what I need is 'normal' or is it my anxiety speaking, because so many people called me needy and dependant. I still barely know what 'normal' is, I always question myself even after a shit ton of therapy, which is probably one of the reasons why I'm prone to manipulation. Then I question myself even more which brought me here. Sometimes I try to imagine what a secure person would do in certain situations but then I realize I really have no f*cking clue lol. I'm on it. Work in progress. Part of the process is being able to "catch yourself in the act" of insecure thoughts and behaviors, and then re-direct. So going into rumination is the pattern but recognizing and redirecting is the way you can practice being more secure. In the case of a breakup, you can't be more secure in the relationship but you can work your way to more secure even on the breakup. Breaking up while breaking patterns. I don't have the inside scoop into what that entails for an anxious in recovery but alexandra does!  |
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