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Post by seeking on Nov 13, 2022 3:26:55 GMT
This is more just a vent, but I saw on someone's FB post tonight that she's already got another partner. Her husband died suddenly and she was with this new person very very quickly and told her whole FB circle tonight. Everyone was wishing her well, and i just thought, really?
And when I see stuff like this -- and I know a LOT of people who went from one to another - like they already had something else lined up even as a relationship was still trying -- it makes me think, if most people were like me, they'd probably just not be able to handle it. I've been single for the better part of 5 years with only 1 brief (mistake) relationship in there. I don't want to be. I clearly have other issues. But I've tried a lot.
I honestly don't even know how they manage to meet someone else so fast. Like this person was married for YEARS had a teenage son, hasn't dated in years, how the heck did she even partner up so quickly? I've been spending tons on dating sites, tried every one, etc. etc. Have done more personal work then probably anyone I know. And there are people like my ex - miserable covert narcs who find people and live happily ever after (he just had his second baby with his GF).
I really end up feeling like an alien and wondering how people would handle my situation or what they'd even do? It kind of gives me a little PTSD just thinking about it b/c I really sometimes can't even fully digest my own situation and aloneness.
Anyway, that's my vent. Thanks for listening.
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Pet Peeve
Nov 13, 2022 22:55:46 GMT
via mobile
Post by mrob on Nov 13, 2022 22:55:46 GMT
Because some people with just settle. They don’t have the insight. Also, I don’t see why any woman need pay for a dating site. They’re seriously not built that way.
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Post by seeking on Nov 13, 2022 23:40:51 GMT
Because some people with just settle. They don’t have the insight. Also, I don’t see why any woman need pay for a dating site. They’re seriously not built that way. Yes, the more "mature" part of me gets this - like what man would end up with a woman who literally just lost her husband, suddenly and unexpectedly, after they were married for 25 years and had a teenage son. I don't know the details of where she met, but I followed her whole story and I never heard her talk about grieving and loss. She just appears to have plugged into something new to avoid. But so many people do that - like it's just too impossible or painful to be alone and the fact that I've done it for 5 straight years now makes me think I must be nuts or in extraordinary amounts of pain (which I have at times). As far as paying for dating sites, I don't know what you mean. The free ones are god awful. I can't be on them. eHarmony makes men or women pay for 6 months at a time - Match is not free - Tawkify is major money. Ideally you're at least encountering people who *might* be taking dating a bit more seriously if they're willing to pay for memberships. At least that's in theory.
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Pet Peeve
Nov 14, 2022 0:59:49 GMT
via mobile
Post by mrob on Nov 14, 2022 0:59:49 GMT
Without wishing to be a dating site advisor, women generally have a different situation to men in dating sites. For women it’s a case of sorting the wheat from the chaff. Getting through the thirsty men. I assure you that there is an abundance. For men, the case is competing with the thirsty men to be noticed. If a man does not pay, there are no matches. I don’t mean one or two, I mean nothing….for months.
Yes, there is an abundance, it just might not be exactly what you’re after, though.
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Post by seeking on Nov 14, 2022 1:29:10 GMT
Without wishing to be a dating site advisor, women generally have a different situation to men in dating sites. For women it’s a case of sorting the wheat from the chaff. Getting through the thirsty men. I assure you that there is an abundance. For men, the case is competing with the thirsty men to be noticed. If a man does not pay, there are no matches. I don’t mean one or two, I mean nothing….for months. Yes, there is an abundance, it just might not be exactly what you’re after, though. I get that, but this no longer applies to me. I'm 50. It's way different than when I was doing it in my 30s. So, yes, back then .... But if a man doesn't pay, he can still do searches on most sites and like a bunch of women - I don't know about write them. And, yes, I agree about abundance - to a degree - but it's kind of like saying - there's plenty of food! And it's a pile of rotten bananas. I mean, if you're that starved, sure. But I guess I just rather be alone in most of the cases of the kind of "abundance" I see.
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Post by mrob on Nov 14, 2022 2:03:36 GMT
Like but not message, absolutely. That’s how a man can stand out, or not, as the case may be. It’s rightly also to protect women from unbridled thirst. Take one major app. Men have 50 right swipes per day, free. To get any sort of likes, even from scammers, one has to use them all. I’m not saying it’s easier or harder for either. Just that dating sites have different challenges, and they’re weighted to bring in the money.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2022 18:53:28 GMT
If the apps don't have the pool you seek, and it's all rotten bananas in your demographic, then it is time to find the places where older single men hang out and branch out. I always used online dating to supplement my search, not to provide the entire pool (at least I did before I stopped going out at the onset of the pandemic). It may not be as convenient and effortless, but you will get better results when you do meet people if you find them through mutual interests. Plus, for you it may be an added bonus since you won't have profiles to analyze and will have to get to know someone differently from the start (talking to them without a list of traits in front of you, knowing right away what their "vibe" is and if you're physically attracted to them) which may help some of the other insecure attachment obstacles you're facing.
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Post by introvert on Nov 14, 2022 19:50:22 GMT
If the apps don't have the pool you seek, and it's all rotten bananas in your demographic, then it is time to find the places where older single men hang out and branch out. I always used online dating to supplement my search, not to provide the entire pool (at least I did before I stopped going out at the onset of the pandemic). It may not be as convenient and effortless, but you will get better results when you do meet people if you find them through mutual interests. Plus, for you it may be an added bonus since you won't have profiles to analyze and will have to get to know someone differently from the start (talking to them without a list of traits in front of you, knowing right away what their "vibe" is and if you're physically attracted to them) which may help some of the other insecure attachment obstacles you're facing. Excellent points,and I would also suggest examining any black and white thinking about the people available. There are plenty of undesirable people but there are other midlife, average, good people trying to figure it out, out there too. It's not necessary to fantasize or hold out for some mythical amazing rare type. Just get out in person, meet and explore and stop doing it all in your head. It's tough with commitments to kids and work and other things but if there is no time to date then options will always be limited. I was there as a single mom with a lot of obstacle but eventually I made time for myself and that's when J met my partner. It takes boots on the ground.
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Post by seeking on Nov 15, 2022 3:02:08 GMT
If the apps don't have the pool you seek, and it's all rotten bananas in your demographic, then it is time to find the places where older single men hang out and branch out. I always used online dating to supplement my search, not to provide the entire pool (at least I did before I stopped going out at the onset of the pandemic). It may not be as convenient and effortless, but you will get better results when you do meet people if you find them through mutual interests. Plus, for you it may be an added bonus since you won't have profiles to analyze and will have to get to know someone differently from the start (talking to them without a list of traits in front of you, knowing right away what their "vibe" is and if you're physically attracted to them) which may help some of the other insecure attachment obstacles you're facing. I got off the sites. I couldn't take it anymore! I don't exactly go out to find the older single men. . . honestly, the dog wash and dark park both seemed to have some prospects, but then I'm always with my daughter. I'm working on my "look" more at the moment b/c it's honestly slacker.
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Post by sunrisequest on Nov 15, 2022 11:15:13 GMT
I love hearing your insight into online dating mrob because I know you’re in the same country as me. I have been digging into the apps the last few months for the first time in my life and I am literally amazed at the behaviour on there. Thirsty men, hmmm yes!!! So many thirsty men. So much inhuman behaviour! I am always wondering what it’s like for men, and whether they have the same level of crap to have to deal with. Maybe it’s a little cut throat of me, but right up there on the top of my list of needs is a good communicator, so if someone can’t get the early messaging part right, it’s easy for me to let them go straight away.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 16, 2022 11:24:45 GMT
If the apps don't have the pool you seek, and it's all rotten bananas in your demographic, then it is time to find the places where older single men hang out and branch out. I always used online dating to supplement my search, not to provide the entire pool (at least I did before I stopped going out at the onset of the pandemic). It may not be as convenient and effortless, but you will get better results when you do meet people if you find them through mutual interests. Plus, for you it may be an added bonus since you won't have profiles to analyze and will have to get to know someone differently from the start (talking to them without a list of traits in front of you, knowing right away what their "vibe" is and if you're physically attracted to them) which may help some of the other insecure attachment obstacles you're facing. I got off the sites. I couldn't take it anymore! I don't exactly go out to find the older single men. . . honestly, the dog wash and dark park both seemed to have some prospects, but then I'm always with my daughter. I'm working on my "look" more at the moment b/c it's honestly slacker. Hey seeking….is there a way you can free yourself from knowledge of the guy you dated? I had to ask all my friends to keep info regarding B to themselves as it was hindering my ability to move on. As to dating, are there any experience based dating groups…ie singles sign up to cook, hike, golf etc. I think experience based groups take some of the pressure off because you are there to play or make something…while mingling with other singles. Also….faith based single communities are good places to meet other singles…I have at least 5 friends who met their husbands through the singles group I belong to (one is getting married next month to a guy she met there). As to looks….I personally think if you accept yourself fully….then it does not matter if you are wearing sweats or a gown….that sense of self will radiate to others.
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Post by introvert on Nov 17, 2022 15:41:01 GMT
If the apps don't have the pool you seek, and it's all rotten bananas in your demographic, then it is time to find the places where older single men hang out and branch out. I always used online dating to supplement my search, not to provide the entire pool (at least I did before I stopped going out at the onset of the pandemic). It may not be as convenient and effortless, but you will get better results when you do meet people if you find them through mutual interests. Plus, for you it may be an added bonus since you won't have profiles to analyze and will have to get to know someone differently from the start (talking to them without a list of traits in front of you, knowing right away what their "vibe" is and if you're physically attracted to them) which may help some of the other insecure attachment obstacles you're facing. I got off the sites. I couldn't take it anymore! I don't exactly go out to find the older single men. . . honestly, the dog wash and dark park both seemed to have some prospects, but then I'm always with my daughter. I'm working on my "look" more at the moment b/c it's honestly slacker. Honestly, are you just afraid to put yourself out there? I wonder if your peeve is that you have so many obstacles in yourself, including ambivalence to the whole idea? Maybe some self acceptance and compassion is in order, this being more about your relarionship with yourself that a relarionship wit someone else. That's where I had to start, by looking at all my walls and why there were there, then gently dismantling them. Just a thought. When someone has a constant stream of reasons and excuses why they can't do what they claim they want to do, one just has to wonder. Of course if you're switching up your look that's cool but is it just one more excuse to hide out and stay in your head instead of get out there, being real and available and open to rejection, or acceptance, whatever the case may be? Are you rejecting yourself before anyone has a chance to? What are you doing to protect yourself? Do you really need to? Just some things to think about if you're so inclined.
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Post by seeking on Nov 29, 2022 0:29:32 GMT
Honestly, are you just afraid to put yourself out there? I wonder if your peeve is that you have so many obstacles in yourself, including ambivalence to the whole idea? Maybe some self acceptance and compassion is in order, this being more about your relarionship with yourself that a relarionship wit someone else. That's where I had to start, by looking at all my walls and why there were there, then gently dismantling them. Just a thought. When someone has a constant stream of reasons and excuses why they can't do what they claim they want to do, one just has to wonder. Of course if you're switching up your look that's cool but is it just one more excuse to hide out and stay in your head instead of get out there, being real and available and open to rejection, or acceptance, whatever the case may be? Are you rejecting yourself before anyone has a chance to? What are you doing to protect yourself? Do you really need to? Just some things to think about if you're so inclined. Thanks, Introvert. Interesting thoughts. I just really don't know!
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