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Post by psg2023 on Jan 2, 2023 18:30:35 GMT
Hi everyone!
I've been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory and I am pretty certain my ex is an FA. She came on fast and strong early in the relationship. Never really shared her feelings through out. Would get very defensive and angry over the slightest disagreement. Plus she mentioned she has PTSD maybe CPTSD from a bad father growing up, and then bad romantic relationships throughout her life. She told me I was magnetic, special, that she was lucky to have me. She told me she adored me almost daily. Never said I love you, which makes sense if she is FA.
She broke up with me in late November after a disagreement where she got extremely angry. I had started a conversation about her acting different lately and me feeling unnoticed (Im probably anxious attachment). I wasn't looking to fight, I was only looking for some reassurance. I have had my own problems with relationships and had't been this close to a woman in over a decade. Once I saw how mad she was I immediately backed down. My concern was calming her down. She said I was being emotionally manipulative. Unfortunately it seems I triggered her. I apologized but it wasn't enough, she went to bed angry.
We woke up the next day and she reached over and put her hand on my heart. I moved in closer and we cuddled. We even fooled around a little before I had to leave for work. Things were seemingly okay.
But things were not okay. For the next week she alternated between activated and deactivated. I tried to explain what happened but she would not accept it. To her I was showing signs of being abusive. I took that very seriously and did research to understand myself and her better. I now see that I need to work on my attachment style. I never mentioned to her that she may be an FA, that's not for me to diagnose.
She ended up breaking up with me about 10 days after the "fight". I was shocked she would throw away what we had. I was willing to work on us, but she thought it was 50/50 at best that I would not end up abusing her. I went from being the kindest, most gentle and understanding person she'd ever met to an abuser. I was devastated.
I accepted the breakup (phone call) and told her to please reach out if she changed her mind. I initiated a talk a few days later but she was not budging from her decision. I waited a few days and sent a text about a nice memory we had. The nostalgia caused her to activate and for a little longer than a week she initiated texts and sent good morning and good night texts. It was like we were together again, with her excited and initiating contact. She encouraged me before work, she even agreed to hangout. When we hung out I asked her if we could sit close, and if I could touch her (non sexually), she said yes. We had a long hug before I left, but when I tried to kiss her she wouldn't have it. Everything was fine for a few more days until she deactivated out of the blue and stopped reaching out.
I would initiate contact and she would respond, but her demeanor changed. She sent me a Merry Christmas text. I sent one back. The next day we talked on the phone and she enthusiastically agreed to a meetup the following day. She cancelled the next day when I followed up, saying she was tired, but asked if I was free the next day. I said no problem and yes I was free, and asked to meet after work. Silence. The next day I texted her that I wasn't mad and if she ever wanted to talk I was available. She responded and we started a dialogue about how to handle "a burnt out Monica" (not her real name). She appreciated the calm communication. Finally on Friday she started initiating contact again. Followed by a Happy New Years Eve text and then a Happy New Years text after midnight on Saturday.
I've realized that she is alternating between activated and deactivated and essentially breadcrumbing me. I don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to go no contact so I can move forward. Everytime we talk I get my hopes up and it sets me back when I realize it was false hope. Another part of me wants to show up consistently for her. To show her that I will be there for her and not be like her father or past lovers.
Thank you if you read all this. I appreciate any comments.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 2, 2023 19:40:32 GMT
While this isn't your intention, you messaging her good memories and continuing to try to stay in frequent contact even after you broke up is you not respecting her boundaries. While you may not like that she has pulled away and ended things and do not feel you did anything to merit such an extreme reaction, that does not mean you shouldn't respect it and respect her autonomy and decision-making abilities. It also doesn't mean she's capable of the relationship you want in general. If one minor slight of you trying to communicate your own needs is all it takes to throw someone complete off-kilter to the point that they want to break up and not work through things together, it means that person has a ton of issues that make it impossible for them to be a good romantic partner unless and until they've decided to find help. That is not help you can provide, nor is it help a partner should provide (you are not her therapist, and it is not for you to say she should change). You've hit a wall together for a reason.
I can understand that you are feeling withdrawal from the connection, which is why anxiety spurs you to reconnect, but that is your anxious side talking because you're looking for external ways to regulate your own emotions. You need to work on doing this internally. Whether you are AP or also FA but have a greater tendency to lean anxious, this is a universal problem for both types. Not being able to self-regulate your emotions and looking to others to help means you get stuck unable to process through things as well, which makes these types of break ups seem even harder. The withdrawal will take some time to power through, because it is a very real feeling that you don't know how to survive without connection (this is a childhood defense mechanism when you don't trust yourself enough to believe you'll be okay, but it's also misleading because you are an adult and WILL survive this... feelings are a guide but not absolute truth). You should go no contact, however, to respect her boundaries and stop seeing hope in her inconsistency. Her inconsistency is coming from her own lack of boundaries and lack of ability to know how to defend healthy boundaries. She needs space but has all sorts of baggage making her spin out in all directions. That doesn't mean maintaining a presence will get you back together, because you both need to work on yourselves or the dynamic will just repeat over and over again anyway.
I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear and that you're undoubtably in pain right now. The best way through it is no contact for the foreseeable future and working on your attachment issues for yourself and not for her. The best way is not the easiest way, but it will get you to a stronger space for yourself if you can stick with it and keep your focus on you. She couldn't meet your needs but you've been trying to force it to happen for several weeks now instead of recognizing the incompatibility and walking away. That's a good starting point for you to look further into your own attachment issues.
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 2, 2023 20:28:12 GMT
Thank you Alexandra, what you have written makes perfect sense. I have not been respecting her boundaries and she has trouble setting and maintaining boundaries so we have basically been playing a tennis match of crossing each other's boundaries. Previously she has told me she has trouble setting boundaries. It is something I overlooked until you mentioned it. Looking back, this now explains the last month perfectly.
I will go no contact as best as I can. What complicates things is that we work together, but in different departments. The relationship was a bad idea I know, but it's too late to turn back now. Fortunately we are both calm civil people and we will be able to keep things professional. Our relationship was a secret from our coworkers and neither of us has social media.
I imagine no contact will mean that I don't reach out to her. What I don't know is if she reaches out to me, how should I respond? Also should I tell her I'm going no contact or just fade away quietly?
And of course during this time I will continue to work on myself.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 2, 2023 22:21:33 GMT
If you work together, I think slightly different rules apply because you want to keep your working relationship and environment comfortable. In another situation I'd fade out, but in this one I'd be upfront. I would tell her that you don't want things to be weird at work so you're going to take space and not reach out for a while (unless there's a truly necessary reason for work and only to discuss work) so you can eventually both settle back into your professional relationship. I also think if she does find excuses to reach out, you should politely defend your boundaries and tell her you hope she's doing well, but you're still working on you and not ready to resume contact yet. Because if you don't protect your own boundaries, you certainly can't expect her to do it for you.
I once had a brief relationship with a coworker in a different department who was extremely DA and I was AP. It went very badly very quickly. However, we didn't tell anyone, and he actually treated me better than he normally did, even though that wasn't saying much (he was not only a ghosting king, he was sometimes vindictive with exes, which I know because he got very honest with me to avoid messing up his career... wish he'd disclosed all that when we started dating so that I'd have run away!). Anyway, I saw him often but did not usually work with him directly, and it was really hard for the first couple months. I offered an olive branch pretty quickly, and he responded he needed space and to please respect it. So we did not talk for a couple months unless we ended up in a team meeting or group event. Then we'd acknowledge each other so no one else caught on to the tension but not otherwise interact. After several months, we were alone in an elevator together so I struck up a neutral conversation where I didn't seem angry, upset, or awkward, and it broke the ice. After that we started slowly talking again and even having lunch to maintain a good working relationship. However, after I left that job, we never spoke again, so we never truly grew back into being friends, just amicable colleagues. In my case, since as I said it turned out he wasn't the nicest person in general, that was okay. But his forcing himself to be an upfront communicator towards the end of the relationship and break up really helped things not get bad professionally.
One thing I didn't really have to worry about as a woman is him falsely reporting me for sexual harassment or something, because I didn't do anything unprofessional with him at work, but I think it's still (unfairly) more difficult for a man to be taken seriously about those concerns. So you may want to be careful in not being overly familiar with her as you transition out of the relationship anyway, just in case she gets angry and tries to lodge a complaint against you. I wouldn't have done that against him under any circumstances since I recognized our situation was mutual in consent, we were peers in different departments without hierarchy dynamics, and we kept our personal life and professional life separate, but not everyone would approach it the same way.
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 3, 2023 0:08:05 GMT
I guess I know what I have to do. It won't be easy, but throughout this last month and even when we first had the "fight" I had moments where I thought do I really want to be with someone who could misunderstand me so badly? Someone who would not listen to reason even after she calmed down. The rest of the relationship was just so great that it really hurts to give up so easily. We both treated each other very well.
Once in place I'll have to protect my boundaries, I imagine I'll struggle with wondering if she's reaching out just to chat, or if she has thought about the situation and has regrets. When she ended things she did leave it open for the future saying that things may work out. I should mention that she initially said we had to breakup cause she is has too much going on to deal with this right now. She has been under a huge amount of stress at work lately. She even said we both have to work on ourselves. I agreed. But when I tried to discuss it with her (I know, I should have just left it at that) she went back to saying it was because of me being potentially abusive. So it may be work stress, it may be me, it may be a combination of both. Like you mentioned previously even if she did want to try again we would be more likely to repeat the same behavior patterns than work through them successfully.
That's too bad that things didn't workout with your DA coworker ex, even platonically. I guess it really was for the best if he didn't treat you well. The way you explain your situation really mirrors how I feel in mine. It has been hard seeing her and there is tension that wasn't there before. She's a really nice girl so I don't think we'll have issues with harassment or anything like that but I also never thought we'd breakup like we did. Never thought she would give up on me when she never gives up on anything. It's still a good point you've brought up and I'll be sure not to be flirty in any way.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 3, 2023 1:37:38 GMT
No, it is actually great it didn't work out with my DA coworker! I didn't know him well enough when we started seeing each other, since he kept such a professional persona at the office. My situation may mirror yours in the feelings and navigating it (there are lots of universal experiences when it comes to the anxious-avoidant relationship trap), but it does not mirror yours in that he was not a good person and had some other issues as well. The only reason he was respectful in our situation was because we were coworkers and it could have impacted his career. I learned a ton, including having to question why I had strong feelings of attraction for someone so bad for me (in addition to dating a coworker being dicey, we turned out not to be looking for the same things, but I didn't immediately leave upon learning that). I respected how good and knowledgeable he was professionally, but I don't even think I liked him very much as a person once I learned about how he treated women outside of work. I had to really think about why I wanted to please someone who didn't share my values. Going through that and having to introspect afterwards was a key step in the very beginning of my journey to earning secure, even though it didn't happen for a few more years. Now I'm past all that and married to a great guy.
In regards to if you ever get to a point where it might make sense to give it another chance, two things to keep in mind:
First, she would need to come to you about it, be able to clearly communicate what she wants (no breadcrumbs or hinting), and you'd need to move slowly over a couple months to see if her words and actions stayed totally consistent. It would also help if she could explain why things would be different this time (like if she made progress in therapy). Anything less will not work. I know this from reconciling with a more serious FA ex who initially brought me to this forum. I let him hint instead of clearly asking me to get back together, which means he gave me breadcrumbs in hope I'd do all the work (and I did, I went for it, and overfunctioned, and I shouldn't have... another learning experience). After I did most of the heavy lifting, he eventually concretely asked to get back together then broke up with me two weeks later for the same nonsensical reasons he gave after our first year of dating! My only real condition for officially getting back together was he start therapy or we go to couples therapy. He said maybe but didn't really want to, and I did not stick to my condition, which was another mistake. When someone is serious about changing and making something work for real, it's obvious and consistent over time.
Second, I wouldn't think about reconciling with her even if that did become a real, mutual possibility unless one of you changed jobs. What I learned from my coworker experience was it can only work if you're both extremely emotionally stable and mature. By definition, someone with an insecure attachment style just isn't. She especially sounds all over the place. So there's a lot of moving parts that would need to fall into place that would take a long time for successful reconciliation anyway, but it is not a risk I'd recommend if you're still working together.
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 3, 2023 2:10:22 GMT
You're right that DA sounds like he has a lot to work on. It's nice to hear that you are married to a great man now though. It sounds like things really worked out well for you.
The conditions you have stated that I should consider for a future reconsolidation are spot on. They make sense and they match other information I have read about relationships - and I sure have read a lot in the last month. I can see her continuing to blame me if she tries to reconnect, but we'll see. Maybe she'll become more self aware, or maybe we'll both just move on. It seems like my ex is aware of some of her tendencies, but maybe not the self-sabotaging that may have occured. I understand she was just trying to keep herself safe, but I think she associated me with her previous unhealed trauma. I guess at this point that's irrelevant.
It sounds like you did everything you could to make it work with your FA ex. I would have loved the chance to go to couples therapy with mine. I guess it was for the better for you since you are happy married now.
Thanks again for taking the time to talk. It was nice hearing from someone who knows about/experienced this kind of stuff. I appreciate the details you went into about your own journey to being secure. It gives me an idea of what I have to do
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Post by mrob on Jan 3, 2023 6:10:17 GMT
Respectfully, I think you’ve missed this. This isn’t only about her unavailability, but your hunger for making the relationship work despite her volatility. The “breadcrumbs” are only part of the problem. It takes two to tango. This is your opportunity to grow.
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 3, 2023 13:39:08 GMT
Mrob, you're right. I did resist her wishes to break up. Had I walked away, I may not have experienced the breadcrumbs.
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Post by mrob on Jan 3, 2023 23:30:44 GMT
The question is, what is it in your attachment, rather than her actions, that caused you to go back? This is about you.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 4, 2023 15:54:40 GMT
Hi everyone! I've been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory and I am pretty certain my ex is an FA. She came on fast and strong early in the relationship. Never really shared her feelings through out. Would get very defensive and angry over the slightest disagreement. Plus she mentioned she has PTSD maybe CPTSD from a bad father growing up, and then bad romantic relationships throughout her life. She told me I was magnetic, special, that she was lucky to have me. She told me she adored me almost daily. Never said I love you, which makes sense if she is FA. She broke up with me in late November after a disagreement where she got extremely angry. I had started a conversation about her acting different lately and me feeling unnoticed (Im probably anxious attachment). I wasn't looking to fight, I was only looking for some reassurance. I have had my own problems with relationships and had't been this close to a woman in over a decade. Once I saw how mad she was I immediately backed down. My concern was calming her down. She said I was being emotionally manipulative. Unfortunately it seems I triggered her. I apologized but it wasn't enough, she went to bed angry. We woke up the next day and she reached over and put her hand on my heart. I moved in closer and we cuddled. We even fooled around a little before I had to leave for work. Things were seemingly okay. But things were not okay. For the next week she alternated between activated and deactivated. I tried to explain what happened but she would not accept it. To her I was showing signs of being abusive. I took that very seriously and did research to understand myself and her better. I now see that I need to work on my attachment style. I never mentioned to her that she may be an FA, that's not for me to diagnose. She ended up breaking up with me about 10 days after the "fight". I was shocked she would throw away what we had. I was willing to work on us, but she thought it was 50/50 at best that I would not end up abusing her. I went from being the kindest, most gentle and understanding person she'd ever met to an abuser. I was devastated. I accepted the breakup (phone call) and told her to please reach out if she changed her mind. I initiated a talk a few days later but she was not budging from her decision. I waited a few days and sent a text about a nice memory we had. The nostalgia caused her to activate and for a little longer than a week she initiated texts and sent good morning and good night texts. It was like we were together again, with her excited and initiating contact. She encouraged me before work, she even agreed to hangout. When we hung out I asked her if we could sit close, and if I could touch her (non sexually), she said yes. We had a long hug before I left, but when I tried to kiss her she wouldn't have it. Everything was fine for a few more days until she deactivated out of the blue and stopped reaching out. I would initiate contact and she would respond, but her demeanor changed. She sent me a Merry Christmas text. I sent one back. The next day we talked on the phone and she enthusiastically agreed to a meetup the following day. She cancelled the next day when I followed up, saying she was tired, but asked if I was free the next day. I said no problem and yes I was free, and asked to meet after work. Silence. The next day I texted her that I wasn't mad and if she ever wanted to talk I was available. She responded and we started a dialogue about how to handle "a burnt out Monica" (not her real name). She appreciated the calm communication. Finally on Friday she started initiating contact again. Followed by a Happy New Years Eve text and then a Happy New Years text after midnight on Saturday. I've realized that she is alternating between activated and deactivated and essentially breadcrumbing me. I don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to go no contact so I can move forward. Everytime we talk I get my hopes up and it sets me back when I realize it was false hope. Another part of me wants to show up consistently for her. To show her that I will be there for her and not be like her father or past lovers. Thank you if you read all this. I appreciate any comments. I think you are confusing FA and narcissist a bit…as well as giving her too much credit as “purposely” doing things. I would say that a majority of insecure pairings start off hot and heavy….whether it is AP with DA, FA with FA, AP with FA….the point is that in the beginning of things there are 2 people who don’t know anything about the other person…so it is easy to project fantasies upon them (consider your own reaction to what you perceived as her coming on hot and heavy). The point is…it is natural as time progresses and people become more real to each other, that things cool off a bit. The issue isn’t the cooling off, but the extreme actions and reactions to this cooling off. If you are anxious…you likely pursued her to get a “validation” fix while she was in her…”I don’t know about this, I need space to figure it out” mindset. Neither is necessarily wrong or right….the issue is there is a lack of respect of boundaries and lack of communication. I am FA but I tend to lean anxious in relationships…so breadcrumbing is not something I do…..nor do I think any FA purposely breadcrumbs. I think there is a lot that is going on inwardly with any insecure person and it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications. As someone very familiar with the anxious mindset…it is going to take a lot of work on your part to stop analyzing her actions and really focus on your own…but that is where the true healing begins. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2023 16:55:08 GMT
Something to keep in mind on the whole breadcrumb thing... an outside observer might ask:
"What self-respecting person is going to scramble for crumbs?"
Pigeons do that, healthy people don't.
I'm not calling you a pigeon. But step back and turn a constructively critical eye on your own behavior... that's where the issue is. If someone tosses me a crumb I'm not going to lick the sidewalk for it. I've been in demeaning, awful, embarrassing relationships, so I'm not bashing or pretending I'm better.
But take a look at who you've become in this deal. Then try to heal. That's what we are doing here, just about all of us.
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 4, 2023 23:39:08 GMT
The question is, what is it in your attachment, rather than her actions, that caused you to go back? This is about you. I suppose you're right. Why she does what she does is irrelevant. What's important is how I respond to it. And since I haven't responded as a healthy secure person would, I need to work on that |
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 4, 2023 23:41:59 GMT
Hi everyone! I've been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory and I am pretty certain my ex is an FA. She came on fast and strong early in the relationship. Never really shared her feelings through out. Would get very defensive and angry over the slightest disagreement. Plus she mentioned she has PTSD maybe CPTSD from a bad father growing up, and then bad romantic relationships throughout her life. She told me I was magnetic, special, that she was lucky to have me. She told me she adored me almost daily. Never said I love you, which makes sense if she is FA. She broke up with me in late November after a disagreement where she got extremely angry. I had started a conversation about her acting different lately and me feeling unnoticed (Im probably anxious attachment). I wasn't looking to fight, I was only looking for some reassurance. I have had my own problems with relationships and had't been this close to a woman in over a decade. Once I saw how mad she was I immediately backed down. My concern was calming her down. She said I was being emotionally manipulative. Unfortunately it seems I triggered her. I apologized but it wasn't enough, she went to bed angry. We woke up the next day and she reached over and put her hand on my heart. I moved in closer and we cuddled. We even fooled around a little before I had to leave for work. Things were seemingly okay. But things were not okay. For the next week she alternated between activated and deactivated. I tried to explain what happened but she would not accept it. To her I was showing signs of being abusive. I took that very seriously and did research to understand myself and her better. I now see that I need to work on my attachment style. I never mentioned to her that she may be an FA, that's not for me to diagnose. She ended up breaking up with me about 10 days after the "fight". I was shocked she would throw away what we had. I was willing to work on us, but she thought it was 50/50 at best that I would not end up abusing her. I went from being the kindest, most gentle and understanding person she'd ever met to an abuser. I was devastated. I accepted the breakup (phone call) and told her to please reach out if she changed her mind. I initiated a talk a few days later but she was not budging from her decision. I waited a few days and sent a text about a nice memory we had. The nostalgia caused her to activate and for a little longer than a week she initiated texts and sent good morning and good night texts. It was like we were together again, with her excited and initiating contact. She encouraged me before work, she even agreed to hangout. When we hung out I asked her if we could sit close, and if I could touch her (non sexually), she said yes. We had a long hug before I left, but when I tried to kiss her she wouldn't have it. Everything was fine for a few more days until she deactivated out of the blue and stopped reaching out. I would initiate contact and she would respond, but her demeanor changed. She sent me a Merry Christmas text. I sent one back. The next day we talked on the phone and she enthusiastically agreed to a meetup the following day. She cancelled the next day when I followed up, saying she was tired, but asked if I was free the next day. I said no problem and yes I was free, and asked to meet after work. Silence. The next day I texted her that I wasn't mad and if she ever wanted to talk I was available. She responded and we started a dialogue about how to handle "a burnt out Monica" (not her real name). She appreciated the calm communication. Finally on Friday she started initiating contact again. Followed by a Happy New Years Eve text and then a Happy New Years text after midnight on Saturday. I've realized that she is alternating between activated and deactivated and essentially breadcrumbing me. I don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to go no contact so I can move forward. Everytime we talk I get my hopes up and it sets me back when I realize it was false hope. Another part of me wants to show up consistently for her. To show her that I will be there for her and not be like her father or past lovers. Thank you if you read all this. I appreciate any comments. I think you are confusing FA and narcissist a bit…as well as giving her too much credit as “purposely” doing things. I would say that a majority of insecure pairings start off hot and heavy….whether it is AP with DA, FA with FA, AP with FA….the point is that in the beginning of things there are 2 people who don’t know anything about the other person…so it is easy to project fantasies upon them (consider your own reaction to what you perceived as her coming on hot and heavy). The point is…it is natural as time progresses and people become more real to each other, that things cool off a bit. The issue isn’t the cooling off, but the extreme actions and reactions to this cooling off. If you are anxious…you likely pursued her to get a “validation” fix while she was in her…”I don’t know about this, I need space to figure it out” mindset. Neither is necessarily wrong or right….the issue is there is a lack of respect of boundaries and lack of communication. I am FA but I tend to lean anxious in relationships…so breadcrumbing is not something I do…..nor do I think any FA purposely breadcrumbs. I think there is a lot that is going on inwardly with any insecure person and it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications. As someone very familiar with the anxious mindset…it is going to take a lot of work on your part to stop analyzing her actions and really focus on your own…but that is where the true healing begins. I don't think so she purposely does it either. She's a good person. The breadcrumbing is her uncertainty about what she wants, and/or her lack of ability to maintain boundaries. Do secure people never analyze the behavior of others? Serious question. I didn't know this if that is the case. |
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Post by psg2023 on Jan 4, 2023 23:51:14 GMT
Something to keep in mind on the whole breadcrumb thing... an outside observer might ask: "What self-respecting person is going to scramble for crumbs?" Pigeons do that, healthy people don't. I'm not calling you a pigeon. But step back and turn a constructively critical eye on your own behavior... that's where the issue is. If someone tosses me a crumb I'm not going to lick the sidewalk for it. I've been in demeaning, awful, embarrassing relationships, so I'm not bashing or pretending I'm better. But take a look at who you've become in this deal. Then try to heal. That's what we are doing here, just about all of us. Breadcrumbing is the term I read about that somewhat describes this post breakup situation. She was clearly throwing me fresh baked honey wheat loafs soon after the breakup, and I was responding in kind although I knew to be cautious. When the loafs turned to breadcrumbs is when I started to over analyze and feel upset enough to post this. This is also when I should have just shrugged and walked away it seems. Actually probably should have gone no contact right after the breakup. That was the plan too. Then I saw her at work and I caved. I was hit with all kinds of emotions and I just had to talk to her. I asked her if I could call her later, she responded well and we started talking again. Oh well, live and learn. Also I understand your metaphor and I take no offense. It makes perfect sense. It's good to know I'm not alone on this journey. |
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