|
|
Post by mrob on Jun 18, 2023 21:54:46 GMT
As said above, you’re able to choose what type of relationship you want, and that's quite a shift .
I often think my second wife brought me into the human race. I had no idea how people interacted with each other, especially in a family situation. At work I was relatively fine. I’d learned what it took to get along there. Things like texting when I get home, birthdays, general, normal greetings were entirely new, and I thought forced and arduous. Like that waste of a sentence “Did you sleep well?” Stupid, but entirely necessary to ask after someone’s welfare. It took a long time, and strangely enough, I think I’m better at it now we’re divorced!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2023 22:21:11 GMT
The need to verify that you're in a good mood is troubling to me... does he require emotional positivity in order to engage? That would be toxic and selfish, unempathetic. DA have to come out of thst place of emotional isolation where they emotional isolate themselves and emotionaly isolate others by avoiding negativity, in order to achieve true intimacy. Otherwise he's playing house so to speak without taking on the emotional responsibilities of partnership which means being emotionally present for you wherever you are at. Nobody is in a good mood all the time unless they are stuffing, avoiding, people pleasing, or manipulating somehow. I'd be turned off by that, and be letting him know whatever is going on with me and there's the door if he can't handle it, but that's me at 52 years old completely over shenanigans. Nobody needs to regulate me but if they don't have the maturity and availability to remain consistent through thick and thin they are a fair weather friend and that's the shallow type that I don't make room for. I think its great that your perspective has shifted to being able to ponder and choose what you want rather than needing to be chosen or keep him interested. You get to grow out of relationships in the process of moving to secure. Not every attempt is going to land, not every partner is going to keep up. I’m not sure it’s true that he requires emotional positivity in general. It’s more that he is uneasy around the possibility of me being upset with him specifically. I’ve learned that much of what he is doing (in our relationship and in general) is preparing for the worst. I guess this is a result of trauma and neurodivergence, and maybe also DA conditioning. I’m not sure. It is something he’s actively working on, so I do have to appreciate that he is in the process of trying to shift these patterns. In terms of our greetings, the “worst case scenario” in his mind is that I will be upset with him. So he prepares himself for that and focuses on it. It almost turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy because his hypervigilance throws me off and makes it harder for us to connect. This kind of fear-based thinking is present in many aspects of his life. I know that it’s not my job to manage it. As a mostly secure partner at this point, all I’m doing is showing up and trying to connect. If something about that makes him hypervigilant, it’s more on him than on me. He is aware of all these issues and he’s working on them in his own therapy and we are working together in couples therapy. I definitely have seen progress and that gives me hope. But as we all know, this kind of change can be very slow. I know it’s taken me a long time to become more secure (somewhere around 3-5 years I think), so I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to trust that I’ll know when my patience for all of this stuff has run out. Ah, that's not quite as bad but still uncomfortable. I've got hypervigilance in areas outside of relationship, survival energy when it comes to taking care of the basics and making sure I'll be ok. It's improved a lot over the years but I'm still pragmatic and like to head problems off before they arise which can be a buzz kill for my less risk-averse partner. Part of it is the DA thing and part of it is being an HSP, with some trauma moved in there as well. So yeah it's a tough thing to come out of. It's too bad he doesn't see you as an ally in the relationship, here to resolve at difficulties and repair any dents and dings that happen between you. Trusting others is particularly hard for avoidants I hear  , with trust in oneself reigning Supreme. I learned to trust and engage with people in a wide arc around me, then closer and closer to home as I established a sense of belonging to the human race at large, then community, then colleagues, then friends, then intimate partner, with some overlap of course between those stages and not all linear. The concentric circles got smaller and closer to me. So it's great he's working with a therapist, but I would guess that the progress with you could take a bit more time. Obviously. Maybe a conflict resolution template that outlines a safe way to resolve conflict could be a useful tool at some point? That's a sticking point for most of us, being able to give and receive complaint in a fair and non threatening way. That continues to be a sticking point with my BF who seems to experience some pretty intense rejection sensitive dysphoria. At any rate, you sound good, come a long way huh? |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Jun 19, 2023 17:43:15 GMT
I’m not sure it’s true that he requires emotional positivity in general. It’s more that he is uneasy around the possibility of me being upset with him specifically. I’ve learned that much of what he is doing (in our relationship and in general) is preparing for the worst. I guess this is a result of trauma and neurodivergence, and maybe also DA conditioning. I’m not sure. It is something he’s actively working on, so I do have to appreciate that he is in the process of trying to shift these patterns. In terms of our greetings, the “worst case scenario” in his mind is that I will be upset with him. So he prepares himself for that and focuses on it. It almost turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy because his hypervigilance throws me off and makes it harder for us to connect. This kind of fear-based thinking is present in many aspects of his life. I know that it’s not my job to manage it. As a mostly secure partner at this point, all I’m doing is showing up and trying to connect. If something about that makes him hypervigilant, it’s more on him than on me. He is aware of all these issues and he’s working on them in his own therapy and we are working together in couples therapy. I definitely have seen progress and that gives me hope. But as we all know, this kind of change can be very slow. I know it’s taken me a long time to become more secure (somewhere around 3-5 years I think), so I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to trust that I’ll know when my patience for all of this stuff has run out. Ah, that's not quite as bad but still uncomfortable. I've got hypervigilance in areas outside of relationship, survival energy when it comes to taking care of the basics and making sure I'll be ok. It's improved a lot over the years but I'm still pragmatic and like to head problems off before they arise which can be a buzz kill for my less risk-averse partner. Part of it is the DA thing and part of it is being an HSP, with some trauma moved in there as well. So yeah it's a tough thing to come out of. It's too bad he doesn't see you as an ally in the relationship, here to resolve at difficulties and repair any dents and dings that happen between you. Trusting others is particularly hard for avoidants I hear , with trust in oneself reigning Supreme. I learned to trust and engage with people in a wide arc around me, then closer and closer to home as I established a sense of belonging to the human race at large, then community, then colleagues, then friends, then intimate partner, with some overlap of course between those stages and not all linear. The concentric circles got smaller and closer to me. So it's great he's working with a therapist, but I would guess that the progress with you could take a bit more time. Obviously. Maybe a conflict resolution template that outlines a safe way to resolve conflict could be a useful tool at some point? That's a sticking point for most of us, being able to give and receive complaint in a fair and non threatening way. That continues to be a sticking point with my BF who seems to experience some pretty intense rejection sensitive dysphoria. At any rate, you sound good, come a long way huh? This is really helpful. The thing about concentric circles makes a lot of sense. I do think I have come a long way! The process of growth/recovery has been very discouraging at times but I'm glad I kept chipping away. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2023 20:23:07 GMT
Ah, that's not quite as bad but still uncomfortable. I've got hypervigilance in areas outside of relationship, survival energy when it comes to taking care of the basics and making sure I'll be ok. It's improved a lot over the years but I'm still pragmatic and like to head problems off before they arise which can be a buzz kill for my less risk-averse partner. Part of it is the DA thing and part of it is being an HSP, with some trauma moved in there as well. So yeah it's a tough thing to come out of. It's too bad he doesn't see you as an ally in the relationship, here to resolve at difficulties and repair any dents and dings that happen between you. Trusting others is particularly hard for avoidants I hear , with trust in oneself reigning Supreme. I learned to trust and engage with people in a wide arc around me, then closer and closer to home as I established a sense of belonging to the human race at large, then community, then colleagues, then friends, then intimate partner, with some overlap of course between those stages and not all linear. The concentric circles got smaller and closer to me. So it's great he's working with a therapist, but I would guess that the progress with you could take a bit more time. Obviously. Maybe a conflict resolution template that outlines a safe way to resolve conflict could be a useful tool at some point? That's a sticking point for most of us, being able to give and receive complaint in a fair and non threatening way. That continues to be a sticking point with my BF who seems to experience some pretty intense rejection sensitive dysphoria. At any rate, you sound good, come a long way huh? This is really helpful. The thing about concentric circles makes a lot of sense. I do think I have come a long way! The process of growth/recovery has been very discouraging at times but I'm glad I kept chipping away. FWIW, I didn't divulge my innermost thoughts and feelings to a therapist for a wayyyyy long time. So I'm not sure where they fit in the concentric circles actually. Idk how other types tend to approach therapy, honestly, and idk if I'm typical for an avoidant. But actually letting a therapist in to my vulnerability only happened at the end of my therapeutic journey, many years after I first began trying therapy. I never built enough trust with one to open up, I don't really even know what we worked on tbh. General stuff. So I don't know if your bf shares with you but don't assume by any means that he has truly let them in, I'm just saying. |
|
, with trust in oneself reigning Supreme.