Post by seeking on Feb 22, 2023 17:48:24 GMT
I was going to resurrect an old post, but instead decided to start a new one.
I wrote -- at-length -- here last year about breaking up with a female friend. Most of you agreed her behavior wasn't super. She was in a crises at the time. I got sucked in and then I got burned/hurt. I know that I could go back and now have done some things differently. But these are similar triggers with many female friends.
What I'm noticing is that I have a "hole" feeling - I'm not sure if I can call it a need? Around mom stuff and nurturing.
My mom could be pretty attentive and nurturing, though I can't say she totally "sees" and gets me. We've prob been enmeshed at times, though not for years. More recently, she has dementia symptoms and doesn't call me anymore. I want to help her but I have my own ship to keep afloat.
I've noticed that I sometimes have "mom replacements" in female friends. Maybe I'm pathologizing myself unnecessarily - maybe this is normal. But certain female friends feel supportive to me in a way that I kind of depend on in some way.... some do not at all. For instance, I have one close(ish) female friend who is unlike me. I think she is very avoidant. She's more masculine in her energy. She doesn't really express emotions (though a lot of times I will sense anger under the surface). She is kind, even-keeled, dependable, mature. She's one of my more "steady" friends I think because she is so steady in herself.
But then I have these other friends - similar to my sister - who have a lot of drama, don't seem to want to do the work -- or they say they do but complain about the cost of therapy, time, etc. They are relatively strong women - one is raising 3 boys on her own, etc. But it's almost like it doesn't occur to them to do therapy. My sister, who I'm pretty sure is DA - thinks everyone else is at fault, not her. She doesn't want to look at herself. Another "friend" (off and on) is more victimy and really depends on other people to help her. And the friend I broke up with -- I don't know. I can't really figure her out. She has deep-seated issues but when we were friends, I helped her find a therapist and then I don't know whatever came of that. I think she is in a lot of freeze. She can come off as super chill, super laid back - so much so that that is exactly what we blew up about -- is that there was a lot of intensity happening and she didn't respond to it - at least not in the way I thought she should (it involved the safety of her kids and other people were telling her too). She called me to talk about something completely different and I couldn't focus on what she was saying b/c I was too distracted by her situation.
I know what it triggered - it triggered my mom stuff. How my mom let my dad abuse her and us for years on end (her physically - us more emotionally) - without doing a damn thing about it. So while my friend's situation was objectively pretty deplorable, I was also a little "intense" about it b/c I really really wanted her to open her eyes to the situation and for her and her kids to be safe.
I later on voice memo-ing told her what happened. And she said that I was being "intense," and gave her a panic attack. And to back off. Fair enough. I could have just accepted her boundary. But I kept defending myself and told her that other people in our circle talked behind her back about this kind of stuff and I was her friend, cared about her, so wanted to tell her to her face what it was like to be around her when things got like this and other people saw it too. And she ended the friendship.
I think it was a little direct for me to say that to her, but I believe I meant it from a good place, though part of me may have been defending myself - like it's not just me!
Anyway, here we are a little over a year later, and I wanted to reach out to her again. I've missed her a lot over the past year. Esp the parts of our friendship that we could talk about things really profoundly -- I miss having that in a relationship - her intense/drama stuff I don't miss. But there are certain aspects of my life I don't talk about with anyone else and miss talking to her about.
I couldn't totally trust the place my instinct to reach out was coming from. But I decided to trust myself to just be okay doing it. Turns out -- that same week, she was tagged on FB on a list of people going to an event. So now I'd be seeing her. I simply messaged her and said, hey- I was going to reach out to you anyway, but now that we'll prob see each other later in the week, I just want you to know I have no hard feelings - maybe a little hurt and bruised - but it doesn't have to be awkward. And she wrote back to say - yeah, doesn't have to be awkward, and maybe we can get together one day to share and reflect on what happened.
I was happy about this. But the "one day" thing was a little odd (not sure if that was her exact wording, but something like that). And I wrote back and said, "Yes, I'd like to do that in the near future" or something. And she said she drops her son off at the event (meaning she may not even see me). But we did run into each other. It was fine. Not awkward. We left and I made a point to find her and say goodbye to her. Several days later, I followed up with a note to say it was nice to see you. It would be nice to connect at some point -- and nothing.
So it is what it is. She's busy. It's not a huge priority. Kind of came out of nowhere after a year, etc.
But a part of me inside is hurting. And I'm also realizing that I miss having a nurturing female friend in my life. We got very close very fast--which I realize isn't super healthy. I think it was filling a need for both of us. But someone who gets me. Who is a witness.
I don't know. It got me to thinking - that I feel like I shouldn't "need this" because our relationship had issues but if I sort through some of the things, I think there are needs there. Trying to name them -- but how do secure folks meet their needs? I assume we all have relatively similar needs as humans - closeness, and being seen/heard, intimacy, etc.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm "needy" and am choosing to see this more as legit needs that I'm able to identify and starting meeting if that make sense.
Any thoughts - on friend or needs - welcome.
I wrote -- at-length -- here last year about breaking up with a female friend. Most of you agreed her behavior wasn't super. She was in a crises at the time. I got sucked in and then I got burned/hurt. I know that I could go back and now have done some things differently. But these are similar triggers with many female friends.
What I'm noticing is that I have a "hole" feeling - I'm not sure if I can call it a need? Around mom stuff and nurturing.
My mom could be pretty attentive and nurturing, though I can't say she totally "sees" and gets me. We've prob been enmeshed at times, though not for years. More recently, she has dementia symptoms and doesn't call me anymore. I want to help her but I have my own ship to keep afloat.
I've noticed that I sometimes have "mom replacements" in female friends. Maybe I'm pathologizing myself unnecessarily - maybe this is normal. But certain female friends feel supportive to me in a way that I kind of depend on in some way.... some do not at all. For instance, I have one close(ish) female friend who is unlike me. I think she is very avoidant. She's more masculine in her energy. She doesn't really express emotions (though a lot of times I will sense anger under the surface). She is kind, even-keeled, dependable, mature. She's one of my more "steady" friends I think because she is so steady in herself.
But then I have these other friends - similar to my sister - who have a lot of drama, don't seem to want to do the work -- or they say they do but complain about the cost of therapy, time, etc. They are relatively strong women - one is raising 3 boys on her own, etc. But it's almost like it doesn't occur to them to do therapy. My sister, who I'm pretty sure is DA - thinks everyone else is at fault, not her. She doesn't want to look at herself. Another "friend" (off and on) is more victimy and really depends on other people to help her. And the friend I broke up with -- I don't know. I can't really figure her out. She has deep-seated issues but when we were friends, I helped her find a therapist and then I don't know whatever came of that. I think she is in a lot of freeze. She can come off as super chill, super laid back - so much so that that is exactly what we blew up about -- is that there was a lot of intensity happening and she didn't respond to it - at least not in the way I thought she should (it involved the safety of her kids and other people were telling her too). She called me to talk about something completely different and I couldn't focus on what she was saying b/c I was too distracted by her situation.
I know what it triggered - it triggered my mom stuff. How my mom let my dad abuse her and us for years on end (her physically - us more emotionally) - without doing a damn thing about it. So while my friend's situation was objectively pretty deplorable, I was also a little "intense" about it b/c I really really wanted her to open her eyes to the situation and for her and her kids to be safe.
I later on voice memo-ing told her what happened. And she said that I was being "intense," and gave her a panic attack. And to back off. Fair enough. I could have just accepted her boundary. But I kept defending myself and told her that other people in our circle talked behind her back about this kind of stuff and I was her friend, cared about her, so wanted to tell her to her face what it was like to be around her when things got like this and other people saw it too. And she ended the friendship.
I think it was a little direct for me to say that to her, but I believe I meant it from a good place, though part of me may have been defending myself - like it's not just me!
Anyway, here we are a little over a year later, and I wanted to reach out to her again. I've missed her a lot over the past year. Esp the parts of our friendship that we could talk about things really profoundly -- I miss having that in a relationship - her intense/drama stuff I don't miss. But there are certain aspects of my life I don't talk about with anyone else and miss talking to her about.
I couldn't totally trust the place my instinct to reach out was coming from. But I decided to trust myself to just be okay doing it. Turns out -- that same week, she was tagged on FB on a list of people going to an event. So now I'd be seeing her. I simply messaged her and said, hey- I was going to reach out to you anyway, but now that we'll prob see each other later in the week, I just want you to know I have no hard feelings - maybe a little hurt and bruised - but it doesn't have to be awkward. And she wrote back to say - yeah, doesn't have to be awkward, and maybe we can get together one day to share and reflect on what happened.
I was happy about this. But the "one day" thing was a little odd (not sure if that was her exact wording, but something like that). And I wrote back and said, "Yes, I'd like to do that in the near future" or something. And she said she drops her son off at the event (meaning she may not even see me). But we did run into each other. It was fine. Not awkward. We left and I made a point to find her and say goodbye to her. Several days later, I followed up with a note to say it was nice to see you. It would be nice to connect at some point -- and nothing.
So it is what it is. She's busy. It's not a huge priority. Kind of came out of nowhere after a year, etc.
But a part of me inside is hurting. And I'm also realizing that I miss having a nurturing female friend in my life. We got very close very fast--which I realize isn't super healthy. I think it was filling a need for both of us. But someone who gets me. Who is a witness.
I don't know. It got me to thinking - that I feel like I shouldn't "need this" because our relationship had issues but if I sort through some of the things, I think there are needs there. Trying to name them -- but how do secure folks meet their needs? I assume we all have relatively similar needs as humans - closeness, and being seen/heard, intimacy, etc.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm "needy" and am choosing to see this more as legit needs that I'm able to identify and starting meeting if that make sense.
Any thoughts - on friend or needs - welcome.