Post by macncheese on Feb 26, 2023 0:40:58 GMT
Hello everyone!
I am new here and I have to say it's great to find so much valuable information, feedback and resonating personal experiences in one place. It has been very helpful, both in my own introspective process and in understanding other people's behaviour. It's so much easier when you see other people struggling with the exact same issues as you, different face - same story. And it makes a world of difference to know that!
As many of you here, I too found this place after a breakup that ended pretty badly.
I am a 34yo female, FA leaning dismissive. I was dating a 31yo male which I thought was AP, but after a good, hard look at the relationship he seems to be more of an FA leaning anxious.
We dated about two months. He came on pretty strongly straight from the start. Text messages every day, asking for time together, dinners, cooking, expos, shopping. I felt overwhwlmed, of course, but managed it privately through journaling, reading, meditation and therapy. By now I learned how to detect my fear of engulfment and not to react to it but to wait it out and respond instead. However, I could feel later on he was not happy with the current arrangement (not exclusive, seeing each other once or twice a week and texting every day in between).
About 2 weeks in, he invited me on a trip he booked 2 months before we met. I really didn't want to go since it was too quick for me. I avoided the question untill last couple of days before the trip. Then I told him I don't feel comfortable going. I explained that going with somebody i just met, in a far off location, locked for an entire weekend together without the possibility of my private time, space or an exit home was a bit too much for me. He seemed to accept it, but he definitely didn't like it. I had an inexplicable feeling he just did not want to go alone. He told me later on he broke up with his girlfriend 2 months prior (around the time he booked the trip). They were supposed to move to my city together, move in together and start a new life (the relationship has been strained, with lots of fights and disagreements). I now believe the trip was meant for him and his ex girlfriend and I was just the current substitute.
The trip took 2 weeks. We texted daily. Everyrhing seemed to be ok. A couple of days before he came back, we arrannged a date - on the day of his return. The day before the date he claimed to had mixed up the dates and said that he would be home very late (not a problem for me - we met late before). He canceled and abruptly left the conversation.
A side note - during our entire relationship I had a gut feeling I am dating a mirage, a performer, a "fake" persona if you will, but i dismissed it as my own attachment style playing tricks on me. However, this was a first obvious red flag to me. Since I have done this before myself (mostly when I feel overwhelmed by excessive need for affirmation or reassurance), I did not react, said ok and just postponed the date for next day.
I texted him I'd come round to his place, to which he replied "I have to clean, come later". It was very out of character for him to say so but i didn't react. I came to his house - it was spotless. Sheets, floors, kitchen - everything looked like a shop window almost. Not a speck, except an empty bottle of wine and a broken glass on the kitchen counter. We talked a bit and headed out for a bite. He walked to the kitchen, grabbed the bottle and put it in my hands,so I could "help him recycle". It really felt like he wanted me to know someone was having it with him the prior night (he doesn't drink, let alone solo). I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Why clena everything and throw out the garbage but leave the bottle?
Later he tells me about a "friend" that has joined him the last day of the trip, came back to together with him to his place and cooked him dinner. I interpreted it as punitive AP acting out and engaging in protest behaviours since jealousy equals love to most of the AP's i dated. However, jealousy is something that automatically and inevitably deactivates me. I see it as immature and very controling. I felt the ick within seconds but chose not to communicate it. My instinct was telling me he was doing all this to get a reaction out of me. Eventually, he mentions another "friend" that was in his place while he was away, "to water the plants" (plants were so dry they were basically dying, i ended up watering them that day). I brush it off. We end up being intimate that night and in the morning he finally spoke up with "what are we" conversation.
He told me he could never read me. That he is scared to death that if i see him on the inside I will get bored and leave. That I am way out of his league, that I will eventually meet someone more successful and more beautiful and leave. That he can't open up because of this. I understand where he was coming from because I was scared too - mostly because i felt he was pretending to be whatever it is that he thinks i want. Almost like he was selling me a dream in a form of a person specially tailored just for me. I eventually communicated this and told him my fear was that if i do finally let go and fall in love, i would be dissapionted since i never saw him for who he truly was, basically dating a hologram and not a person. We both agreed we will proceed onwards, honestly and slowly. However, I couldn't go through with it. I just didn't feel safe. It was not that familiar feeling of screaming alarm in your head that the anxiety produces and forcefully urges you to move (usually away). This was more of a quiet gut feeling that something was just off.
Fast forward 2 weeks, after many internal ins and outs on my part, i decided to communicate it to him saying i need more time to think about this. That I am not clear on what i feel or want and that I would appreciate some space. He flipped on me, saying my behaviour was a red flag and demanding to meet me. I held my ground, tried my best to explain my anxiety in a rational way and verbalize i just don't feel safe with him but he was relentless. He ended up shooting an ultimatum ("text me by tomorrow or else"), which i politely refused. We haven't spoken since.
I have been reflecting on a couple of things about him, which helped me to understand our relationship better and find closure via understanding that this story could not have ended in any other way and that it is nothing personal. I haven't payed attention to them in the moment they occured but they seem to be very FA-like. Thing that came up during our conversations are:
*I am not boyfriend material, not because I'm not kind but because I tend to change sometimes
*If I end up officially dating, I am not sure would I want it anymore
*If you want to be exclusive, you have to earn it first
*I think i want a child. But I don't know. I might change my mind
*I am capable of achieving things but whenever i get there i am not happy and it's so frustrating
*2 long term relationships, less than 2 years both
*Last one "poly" (he was seeing other people, she was not and felt pretty unhappy in that situation)
*Still in contact with his ex while he was seeing me (he published a photo of them on his social media)
*Control issues (lying to get me to behave the way he would like it or to get a desired outcome)
*Heavy people-pleasing
My question is not "is he gonna come back" or "does he love me". I am pretty sure if he did came back, nothing would change and we would end up being either scared of each other again and deactivate as a result, polarise into AP/DA dynamic again or just switch roles. My question is aimed at his chronic sense of dissatisfaction. I haven't managed to find anything online and i was hoping someone could provide some insight on that. I would like to learn from this situation. Why does he feel that? He is pretty successful in the 3D world but inside, he is never happy with anything.
Partly to understand him and partly to understand myself too. "Happy" seems to be a very elusive concept to me as well. Do any other FA feel like this? How to navigate this feeling?
Thank you for taking the time to read me
I am new here and I have to say it's great to find so much valuable information, feedback and resonating personal experiences in one place. It has been very helpful, both in my own introspective process and in understanding other people's behaviour. It's so much easier when you see other people struggling with the exact same issues as you, different face - same story. And it makes a world of difference to know that!
As many of you here, I too found this place after a breakup that ended pretty badly.
I am a 34yo female, FA leaning dismissive. I was dating a 31yo male which I thought was AP, but after a good, hard look at the relationship he seems to be more of an FA leaning anxious.
We dated about two months. He came on pretty strongly straight from the start. Text messages every day, asking for time together, dinners, cooking, expos, shopping. I felt overwhwlmed, of course, but managed it privately through journaling, reading, meditation and therapy. By now I learned how to detect my fear of engulfment and not to react to it but to wait it out and respond instead. However, I could feel later on he was not happy with the current arrangement (not exclusive, seeing each other once or twice a week and texting every day in between).
About 2 weeks in, he invited me on a trip he booked 2 months before we met. I really didn't want to go since it was too quick for me. I avoided the question untill last couple of days before the trip. Then I told him I don't feel comfortable going. I explained that going with somebody i just met, in a far off location, locked for an entire weekend together without the possibility of my private time, space or an exit home was a bit too much for me. He seemed to accept it, but he definitely didn't like it. I had an inexplicable feeling he just did not want to go alone. He told me later on he broke up with his girlfriend 2 months prior (around the time he booked the trip). They were supposed to move to my city together, move in together and start a new life (the relationship has been strained, with lots of fights and disagreements). I now believe the trip was meant for him and his ex girlfriend and I was just the current substitute.
The trip took 2 weeks. We texted daily. Everyrhing seemed to be ok. A couple of days before he came back, we arrannged a date - on the day of his return. The day before the date he claimed to had mixed up the dates and said that he would be home very late (not a problem for me - we met late before). He canceled and abruptly left the conversation.
A side note - during our entire relationship I had a gut feeling I am dating a mirage, a performer, a "fake" persona if you will, but i dismissed it as my own attachment style playing tricks on me. However, this was a first obvious red flag to me. Since I have done this before myself (mostly when I feel overwhelmed by excessive need for affirmation or reassurance), I did not react, said ok and just postponed the date for next day.
I texted him I'd come round to his place, to which he replied "I have to clean, come later". It was very out of character for him to say so but i didn't react. I came to his house - it was spotless. Sheets, floors, kitchen - everything looked like a shop window almost. Not a speck, except an empty bottle of wine and a broken glass on the kitchen counter. We talked a bit and headed out for a bite. He walked to the kitchen, grabbed the bottle and put it in my hands,so I could "help him recycle". It really felt like he wanted me to know someone was having it with him the prior night (he doesn't drink, let alone solo). I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Why clena everything and throw out the garbage but leave the bottle?
Later he tells me about a "friend" that has joined him the last day of the trip, came back to together with him to his place and cooked him dinner. I interpreted it as punitive AP acting out and engaging in protest behaviours since jealousy equals love to most of the AP's i dated. However, jealousy is something that automatically and inevitably deactivates me. I see it as immature and very controling. I felt the ick within seconds but chose not to communicate it. My instinct was telling me he was doing all this to get a reaction out of me. Eventually, he mentions another "friend" that was in his place while he was away, "to water the plants" (plants were so dry they were basically dying, i ended up watering them that day). I brush it off. We end up being intimate that night and in the morning he finally spoke up with "what are we" conversation.
He told me he could never read me. That he is scared to death that if i see him on the inside I will get bored and leave. That I am way out of his league, that I will eventually meet someone more successful and more beautiful and leave. That he can't open up because of this. I understand where he was coming from because I was scared too - mostly because i felt he was pretending to be whatever it is that he thinks i want. Almost like he was selling me a dream in a form of a person specially tailored just for me. I eventually communicated this and told him my fear was that if i do finally let go and fall in love, i would be dissapionted since i never saw him for who he truly was, basically dating a hologram and not a person. We both agreed we will proceed onwards, honestly and slowly. However, I couldn't go through with it. I just didn't feel safe. It was not that familiar feeling of screaming alarm in your head that the anxiety produces and forcefully urges you to move (usually away). This was more of a quiet gut feeling that something was just off.
Fast forward 2 weeks, after many internal ins and outs on my part, i decided to communicate it to him saying i need more time to think about this. That I am not clear on what i feel or want and that I would appreciate some space. He flipped on me, saying my behaviour was a red flag and demanding to meet me. I held my ground, tried my best to explain my anxiety in a rational way and verbalize i just don't feel safe with him but he was relentless. He ended up shooting an ultimatum ("text me by tomorrow or else"), which i politely refused. We haven't spoken since.
I have been reflecting on a couple of things about him, which helped me to understand our relationship better and find closure via understanding that this story could not have ended in any other way and that it is nothing personal. I haven't payed attention to them in the moment they occured but they seem to be very FA-like. Thing that came up during our conversations are:
*I am not boyfriend material, not because I'm not kind but because I tend to change sometimes
*If I end up officially dating, I am not sure would I want it anymore
*If you want to be exclusive, you have to earn it first
*I think i want a child. But I don't know. I might change my mind
*I am capable of achieving things but whenever i get there i am not happy and it's so frustrating
*2 long term relationships, less than 2 years both
*Last one "poly" (he was seeing other people, she was not and felt pretty unhappy in that situation)
*Still in contact with his ex while he was seeing me (he published a photo of them on his social media)
*Control issues (lying to get me to behave the way he would like it or to get a desired outcome)
*Heavy people-pleasing
My question is not "is he gonna come back" or "does he love me". I am pretty sure if he did came back, nothing would change and we would end up being either scared of each other again and deactivate as a result, polarise into AP/DA dynamic again or just switch roles. My question is aimed at his chronic sense of dissatisfaction. I haven't managed to find anything online and i was hoping someone could provide some insight on that. I would like to learn from this situation. Why does he feel that? He is pretty successful in the 3D world but inside, he is never happy with anything.
Partly to understand him and partly to understand myself too. "Happy" seems to be a very elusive concept to me as well. Do any other FA feel like this? How to navigate this feeling?
Thank you for taking the time to read me
