Finding people who put in the work

Just to add…

But I'm confused as to how to identify these traits in people during the dating stages. How long do they take to reflect? What aspects of life reflect it? For example, my ex had a growth mindset in some aspects of life (work, fitness) and while he was willing to hear me out and read/watch videos I'd share regarding things like attachment styles or relationships, he didn't do that work on his own. I could have identified some of this early on, but some of it wasn't apparent to me until almost a year down the line.

Working through insecure attachment wounding is a very personal choice. I do not recommend showing a person videos on attachment theory. It is fine for you to share your own journey…but..if you cannot accept a person right where that person is at the moment, it is best to just walk away.

I recognize that trait because I have it also……I dated someone who had low self esteem and it endeared me to him…..but what I failed to appreciate is that I could still be there for him in a very different context (meaning I could wish him well but keep my healthy boundaries).  That caring comes from a very sweet place and I would not want to give it up completely…but, when it starts to be about caring for someone else to the detriment of my own self care…that is a red flag. 🙂

trippintre thanks for sharing - I could have written that to a T
As someone who was his sole source of emotional support, I think that is also a red flag because the second you drop the basket they've placed all their eggs in (be it due to a genuine mistake/ignorance or something in your life that distracted you), they lose their source of emotional support and can't cope. I think that and extreme conflict avoidance are major red flags that my inner AP ignored and I'm now left in a pickle!

Someone who doesn't push for and enjoy conflict for its own sake, but also doesn't shy away from it as a bad, scary thing either is someone who can probably take a mature approach to communication and problem-solving. It's again, in my opinion, semantically not about finding people who "put in the work," it's about finding people with whom conflict-resolution isn't usually a draining chore. Trying to problem-solve together seems natural and organic because you're on the same team searching for a solution instead of being adversarial, and you've both earned that trust in each other over time observing that you both have good intentions and respect for each other. That heated discussion still comes from a good place with some consideration of "us" instead of frequent selfishness and needing to WIN, or taking an entirely fear-based approach to conflict and acting on that. You're trying to build a safe connection and strong foundation with another person over time, and in my opinion it's more important to focus on that and if they're in earnest doing the same than gauge it as "work." And it's important that the other person fights fair, instead of lashing out, intentionally saying hurtful things just for the sake of it, or projecting or making the conflict about a bunch of other unrelated things (especially drudging up old topics that have already been fully resolved, or being hypercritical and turning everything around on you with blame). Conflict doesn't have to mean things are on shakey ground, and it's important as an AP to always try to depersonalize and focus on the actual conflict to resolve instead of getting in your own head and insecurities about it. This is a pretty great thread about different ways things can get mixed up for insecures during stress and conflict, so there's layers piling up above and beyond the conflict at hand. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response

It's also important things actually get resolved over time, and you don't just fight and repair with no actual resolution, only to keep repeating it over and over.

This can all take some time, since you need to have a few conflicts first, or at least challenging / stressful external situations to get through together, to see how the other person meshes with you in this way. But it's incredibly important.

It's also realistically not so easy to find someone who will have good approaches to relationships and conflict resolution in their early 20s, simply due to limited life experience so far. It's hard to know what styles of people you mesh best with and work through conflict with well when you've only, for example, dated one. So you having some patience and grace both for yourself and another person is also important, while not assuming the worst of them. Never abandon yourself and make excuses for why someone else should be allowed to make you feel small or disrespected, but everyone's also allowed to have bad days and bad moods sometimes and need some space to collect their thoughts (as long as they're not lashing out at you in the meantime). There's a naturally good balance for that which comes out of having a healthy sense of self-esteem and boundaries, trusting and accepting yourself while also trusting the other person (though not if they've given you solid reason to distrust them because they have shown themselves to be emotionally unsafe). On the AP side, those are areas to focus on about yourself.

I think as far as dealing with security and insecurity goes, it's also good if someone doesn't leave you guessing. A person who will solidly show up for you will be direct with you about their feelings without games and confusion. Even if they are upset or overwhelmed, if they're emotionally mature enough they'll say, "I'm upset, but it's not you, I need to think about or deal with whatever it is and sort it out," and then they get back to you before too long has passed.

Putting effort into things like the gym isn't the same as being open, vulnerable, resilient, and truly having a growth mindset. In my experience, especially with FAs, you will know if they're ready or not because if not you will at some point hit a wall on the relationship progression and momentum. Things will stop moving forward because the other person is comfortable exactly where they are with no further growth in the relationship. I've had that happen after 3 to 7 months, without fully comprehending it with those people for another couple months each and letting things last too long. But having breakups in the middle of the relationship is the biggest red flag, especially if there are multiple breakups and reconciliations. There shouldn't be any: breaking up is a last resort when communication and trust has completely failed, and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

alexandra Thank you for sharing!

Re: conflict, I agree wholeheartedly. One of my mistakes during conflict after the first break up was fawning, that I've now realized comes from my childhood where my parents walked out on each other multiple times, leaving me in the dark about whether they will be back and when, and I responded with doing literally whatever I could to put out the fire and keep peace. With him, it happened during a couple conflicts after the first break up if he would shut down/stonewall (which is now a total red flag for me). That said, he was extremely conflict avoidant - he wanted to minimize all miscommunication/misunderstanding/conflict. In fact he said he would prefer none but he knew that wasn't realistic (another flag I didn't see as red)! After conflict, it felt as if he didn't seem to trust that I still cared - which was one of his core wounds that I triggered towards the end. We lacked the "we" approach and we both had a part to play in that, but I did always bring up whatever I was bothered by (though I've realized more in hindsight) for the health of the relationship. But in terms of keeping me guessing, he did stonewall and that would make me fear abandonment and keep me guessing despite me requesting him multiple times after the first break up to try to say something along the lines of "we're going to be okay but X is bothering me", just to reassure me of his faith in us. Of course I still need to work through this fear and accept that me hearing those words or feeling terribly anxious is not going to change whether the person leaves or not. I also need to work on better non-violent communication.