I'm back - still slightly A-P and I don't want to mess up

Going on another date with someone else and keeping busy is good. While I understand your excitement to feel a rare spark with someone right away, you don't know him yet at all. Which doesn't mean being hypervigilant about love bombing or getting overly-invested in potential, it means slowly getting to know over time who he really is and making sure he's totally consistent. APs tend to fill in the knowledge gaps about people they like and are attracted to with positive and idealized fantasy traits instead of waiting until the person shows who they really are. AP also tend to feel sparks with people who activate their attachment systems and nervous systems ie people who subconsciously remind them of past dynamics with people who wounded them (that's why so many are attracted to avoidants or inconsistent people such as love bombers). The overwhelmed nervous system gets all excited and it's interpreted as attraction but tends to really be a form of anxiety (it personally took me many years of experiencing this over and over to figure it out!).

So, do what you can to stay grounded in yourself, connected to yourself, and present. Be curious about him and who he is, there's nothing wrong with being excited about a potentially good connection, but as an AP keep the pacing slow, see him for who he really is rather than who you hope he'll be, and be open to just exploring the connection one date at a time for a while. If he is shooting off warning flags, you'll likely feel them in your gut, so don't ignore any off feelings you have or inconsistencies. That's a better approach than being hypervigilant for threats or either overly trustful or overly distrustful without having reason for either yet.

I'm a little skeptical about him flashing his wealth at you, telling you to Google him, then going away immediately, as this is still a stranger you've just met online. Why is he trying so hard to prove something about his money, and it being real? The one thing to keep in mind at the very beginning in a situation that feels like a whirlwind like that is, if he starts asking you for money, telling you outlandish stories, and is otherwise too good to be true until something shifts, he may be a scammer. Hopefully it doesn't come to that at all, but my instinct from your post says the emphasis on money so early is a bit weird.

Good luck, hopefully your next dates both with him and with the other guy go well! Make sure, no matter how excited you get about either of them, you don't abandon yourself and your own needs in the process, and you'll do fine being yourself

Not going to lie, that documentary crossed my mind too, lol!

But it's also odd because a lot of times wealthier people aren't overt about it right away with online dating because they're paranoid about "gold-diggers." So then if someone is very flashy but it's not actually sketchy, do they believe on some level that money is all they have to offer?

Honestly….I think focusing on him…ie, what his attachment style is…is a very AP way of trying to figure out how to fit into another person’s life.  I have done that too, but am trying to just note traits of others and how those traits make me feel.  My secure friends who date do this…..they talk about traits of the other person and whether those traits align with theirs….but they don’t try to “figure a person out”….they go more day by day in a curious mode but do more self check ins.  I believe this also keeps them grounded….because they aren’t “looking” for any particular behavior patterns.  Over time, if there is an insecure attachment history….it will be revealed by his behaviors….but I would chill on that for now. 🙂🙂

Why won't you ask him when he is returning? Dating should be a joint effort, your time is as valuable as his, and its completely reasonable to have a time frame in mind if he is suggesting another date.

Holding back, waiting on his declarations, and living in anxiety about "when" doesn't seem healthy to me, especially since "when" is so easily addressed with a direct question and honest response. Communication is key. Even when it's new. Without communication a lot of unneccesary drama plays out.

I agree with introvert….I think it is a reasonable question and knowing the answer would reduce your anxiety.

Hey Dearlover,

You said: "And he wants a regular sex partner who will understand his busy life, his travels and keep it light without too many demands or a promise of a future life together."


Is the above scenario truly your heart's desire?


I'm sorry you're feeling triggered or abandoned. It sounds like you had hopes or expectations that sex with this man would turn into romance or a relationship, and now he's not even texting you back. And sounds like you didn't even enjoy the sex, or he was cold-hearted about it?

I'm newly back into the dating world too, so I get it. We AP's really want to bond with someone and will use sex as a hook. But I think as you get clear on what you really want, you'll realize you don't want to be a woman who makes no demands and takes whatever you can get from a man.

Take a few deep breaths, go do something nice for yourself, and go ahead and block his number if you're ready.

"We did not talk/agree/consent on scenes, after care or safe words and I was not expecting that at all."

Oof. That is all wrong. That should have all been worked out before going to bed together and no deviations during the act.

Sorry that happened to you. Yes, he was a bad dom, maybe inexperienced, and there's a lot of those out there just looking to get whatever they can. HINT: D/s should always put the needs of the s first. We subs need to protect ourselves by explicitly setting our boundaries, stating our needs, and not going there with someone who doesn't deserve it or hasn't earned it. Otherwise, it too easily becomes exploitative.

Hope you feel better quickly.