Attending to your needs vs selfishness

I do feel like I'm able to articulate and define most of my needs, yes. But I abandon them and myself to give myself the illusion of not being abandoned by the other person. Again I noticed I started doing this only at the 6 month mark when I fell in love.

The 6 months and then all this stuff happens internally for you sounds normal enough to me in regards to these issues. We've talked in other threads, usually more in the context of avoidants flipping switches, that it's possible for insecures to override all their fears for a while because of the excitement of new relationship energy, sometimes even because the attraction is "this person/dynamic feels familiar to me" but maybe it comes with the opportunity to rewrite the past and THIS time it can magically be different and corrected, etc. But the primary reason for it (also brought up in those threads) is it can take a little while for your nervous system to register the partner as long-term, actually sticking around, becoming a "permanent" attachment figure. And then all that suppressed nervous system stuff suddenly pops out, whether it's fear of intimacy, of abandonment, of enmeshment, whatever.

Since you were responsible for your mom's emotions, the codependency roots are going to be in part because you were conditioned to feel responsible for other people's emotions and well-being. Which means both learning to be hypervigilant and overly aware of the other person's moods and needs since you "need" to regulate them (subconscious awareness) and also anticipating and expecting that anyone saying anything might be passively "asking" something of you -- even when they're not codependent and doing nothing of the sort. I don't think I'm really saying anything new here, because it comes back to what you and tnr9 are touching on, which is a lack of healthy boundaries between people.

Codependency in relationships is also a double sided sword because (in my experience, both personally and observing some examples in close real life friend's romantic lives), someone generally eventually grows out of it but feels guilt and confusion for doing so, and that turns into an emotional disaster. So you're still on the right path questioning this and trying to figuring out how to navigate yourself out of those tendencies. But I think it starts with recognizing who you are and what you like and are like without outside influences and voices in your head, and from there trying to building out boundaries and starting to get more comfortable with not needing to always be agreeable, as long as you're not being outright disrespectful or mean. Which also means finding where that line is, practicing saying no, and doing self-affirmation exercises that you on your own is enough to offer to someone else, and you don't need to add overfunctioning in to compensate for feelings of not being enough.

In terms of SE therapy, I never did that, but I did in retrospect find a lot of value in getting involved in physical activities that forced me to be present in my body (think balance, stretching, things that if you're not focused on you'll accidentally hurt yourself). I really didn't think that was contributing anything to the process and was doing it for generally maintaining physical health reasons, but being forced to take myself out of whatever else was going on for an hour and BE PRESENT in my body, over time, actually really, really made a difference and did contribute to working through these issues, even though it was nothing I was putting a name to at the time. So if you aren't going the SE route, getting involved in yoga (optionally ignoring the overly woo-woo parts) or running or swimming, or a similar kind of individual sport, routinely may help in ways that aren't obvious until you've been in the routine for several months (I think it took me a year and a half to notice I was more present and less scanning externally for threats?). I'd recommend trying it if you don't have a focused and workout routine already that's challenging in this particular way. Running didn't work for me personally because I could go on auto-pilot too easily and let my mind wander to all the anxious stressful things too much, activities that required balance and concentration were more constructive for me for this.

It may also help then to remember if someone is making you feel not enough unless you're overfunctioning, that is a red flag they don't have healthy boundaries and aren't going to be a good person for you to invest in and attach to. It definitely isn't a sign that you need to try harder so they don't leave. There are people who feel comfortable in the role of being put first and taken care of constantly for their own reasons, and pairing off with people who "need" you to make them feel special will hamper your own growth and healthy ability to have your own needs. So part of this is being very aware in the future when you're ready to date again of the type of partner you're choosing. Even if you work on yourself and have healthy boundaries, if you choose someone who doesn't, it will set both of you back. It's hard enough to work through your own growth without also taking on someone else's work and being constantly triggered by it. Everyone has baggage, no one's going to be perfect, but there's lots of different people out there and some will have healthier perspectives on the balance between interdependency and connection versus independence than you've experienced so far.

I am the least physically flexible person going, which is why I tried yoga. It is not something that comes naturally to me at all. But I found a class that was the absolute most convenient there could be (location-wise, time-wise, logistics-wise) so I had no real excuse and then forced myself to go multiple times a week for a year and a half. Part of the building up of self and identity is doing explorations of things that don't come "naturally" to you -- although if you give something a real chance and find that you really hate it, don't force yourself or feel bad about moving on to something else! But part of growth is finding ways to safely explore the limits of your comfort zone and maybe push beyond them, and for me this was a low-risk way of that. The yoga teacher was also cool, as long as I took away the good nuggets and ignored the excessively "crunchy" (for me) parts. Very encouraging of new students and any progress at any level, so that was helpful too. Choosing an activity you can gradually improve at and recognizing your progress (especially when it's not obvious to others so it remains about you and doesn't become about them) is also a good benefit.

I'm back to not being flexible anymore since I stopped doing classes during the pandemic and haven't been committed enough to doing it on my own, but the growth through it anyway stuck with me. The even worse part of this story: I only finally pushed myself to start going in the first place because I had multiple FA exes who shamed me for being athletic but not in the exact way they wanted! I was still AP at the time. But I knew it was good for me to do that kind of conditioning for myself as well, so it wasn't 100% done for others or I wouldn't have stuck with it. That's why the overall benefits for me and me alone, no matter what the opinions of my exes were, were such a pleasant and unexpected surprise. So if you can find a physical activity that you're at least open to, or any other kind of activity that forces you to stay present at regular intervals that may be more interesting to you than yoga or whatever, I strongly recommend giving it a try. It may even be a good break from all the introspection, while letting your brain and body quietly process things on the side that you don't even realize it's doing until later on.

I think what I'm calling present and focused is also what cherrycola is calling mindfulness. It seemed really incidental to connect with your body that way, but in retrospect, it was pretty important. And I didn't even know I was doing it at the time!

Mindfulness, yes - I've tried it and not going to lie it's hard. I developed a bit of a habit during COVID when things were slow and then slowly lost it as things opened up. Breath work is hard for me to do consistently, but what works in my own small way is hot showers with bath products containing essential oils (aromatherapy, if you will), candles, drinking really cold water, etc. My therapist has also suggested really sour candy. I think these are shorter moments that ground me however, longer sessions of mindfulness definitely need a lot of commitment (or at least it feels that way to me). Guided meditations make it a lot easier.