The four types of narcissists
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36892/A relationship with a covert/vulnerable narcissist is one of the most toxic things you can experience.
If you are in such a relationship (or have been), you will again and again have doubts and think: "Maybe it is just me who is close-minded, demanding, too much or too little?". You may even find yourself thinking, “Am I a narcissist?”
Unlike an overt narcissist, the covert one will easily show weakness, say sorry (without really meaning it) and cry.
The covert narcissist believes they have the right to be a victim and can be very pleasing and exhibit low self-esteem.
The narcissist needs to build up his self-esteem with external admiration, even if it means lies and deception. This applies to both the covert and the overt narcissist.
When a covert narcissist puts you down, the person does it in such a sophisticated and calculating way that you (and others) hardly notice. That is why the abuse you suffer from a covert narcissist is some of the most devastating because it is carried out in a particularly insidious and covert way.
You can be in a relationship with a covert narcissist for years without realizing that you are being controlled and manipulated.
There are no visible scars and you are usually the only one who really experiences the person's destructive and degrading abuse!
Here are 20 signs you're dealing with a covert narcissist:
The first sign that you are dealing with a covert narcissist is that the person is extremely passive-aggressive. This means that they do not say things directly to your face, but operate in secret. And yes, we can all be passive-aggressive at times, but for a covert narcissist, this is their default way of acting. It could be, for example, that they have promised that they will do something, and then they don't do it anyway. Or they give you a compliment, which in reality is anything but a compliment, eg "Hang on, you've lost a lot of weight, but there's still a long way to go, eh?"
They feel threatened by the assertiveness of others. If, for example, you are in a super good mood, they may think of starting an argument with you just to try to get you down. Or start talking about something other than what you are looking forward to. They have a hidden competition running with you.
If you're good at something, they're definitely better at it than you. Or if you have a problem, they have a bigger problem. Or if you want something exciting at Easter, they probably want something even more exciting during the summer holidays.
They are envious/jealous. If you are successful at something, they will often find it extremely difficult to say congratulations. They really just want to forget about the success you just had and talk about something else entirely.
Withholding of information. They like to hide things from you. Information that might be good for you to know. In general, everything that could be beneficial for you to know, they hide from you, because they are constantly - under the surface - competing with you.
They love to point out the faults of others. If you make a mistake and are around a covert narcissist you can be sure that it will be
addressed immediately. And often several times. Few things feel better to a covert narcissist than criticizing others. They are super sensitive to criticism. As good as they are at criticizing others, they are just as bad at accepting criticism themselves.
They create drama. Covert narcissists love to create unnecessary drama, but again in a very subtle and passive-aggressive way. They love to get a reaction out of you. When they see that they can still annoy you, it gives them a sense of control over you.
They are never really happy. Even when you think they should be in a really good place right now, they rarely seem that happy.
They sabotage birthdays, holidays and other days that have special meaning for you. Covert narcissists are not into celebrating others. They prefer to be the one who gets the attention. So they like to sabotage your birthday by being in a lukewarm mood, trying to make you feel guilty or complaining about anything.
They have a sense of entitlement. This sense of entitlement can, for example, show itself in the workplace, where they may feel entitled to a promotion, even if they have not earned it. In general, they feel that they deserve better treatment than others.
They often play the victim role. They often take on the role of victim and may start talking about how hard a life they have (had) in order to gain attention and empathy. They also play the victim role if they are confronted with something they have done.
They are an expert at turning things 180 degrees and making themselves the victim and you the scapegoat.
They have a greater risk of developing depression. Since they often see themselves as a victim, they will have a greater tendency to develop depression. They also have a greater tendency to develop stress, anxiety, etc.
They hold a grudge. Covert narcissists do not have a good sense of self. No narcissists have that. And when you don't, you often have a greater tendency to hold grudges.
They very rarely give compliments. Covert narcissists rarely give compliments. It almost hurts them to have to acknowledge something good/nice/successful in someone else (their hidden competitor).
They often have grandiose fantasies. Which all narcissists have. For example, they may say that they want to do something BIG, but they rarely do, as they are not quite ready for the work it requires. Instead, they often try to get close to those who have actually bothered to do the work.
Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a favorite tactic of all narcissists in general, but especially of covert narcissists. Gaslighting is a method of manipulation where someone tries to make you question your perception of reality. There are several layers to gaslighting, but it is a method used to confuse and make you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. It could be, for example, that the narcissist takes a small corner of a truth (e.g. from a previous conversation) and then uses it to create exactly the image of the situation that they would like to create.
Triangulation. Triangulation is another popular manipulation strategy among covert narcissists. With triangulation, the narcissist plays several people off against each other. The most classic example of triangulation is in a family with two children. Here the narcissistic parent will spread little lies - say one thing to one child and something else to the other child - and in that way create drama, discord and envy. Triangulation is difficult to see as it is hidden and only the narcissist knows the truth.
Covert narcissists often fake illness to gain empathy and attention from others. There is also a greater tendency towards hypochondria. They may also come up with faking illness to avoid having to participate in other people's festive events
They ignore you when you are sick. They show no empathy if you are the one who is sick. They may even express how much of an inconvenience it is for them that you are ill. Or accuse you of faking your illness.
Covert narcissists are not interested in changing. And it is impossible for others to change a covert narcissist, as it is not possible to change a person who does not want to change himself. They cannot see their own faults and shortcomings, they are never interested in listening or taking negative feedback to heart. They are not at all interested in finding a solution to a conflict because they get energy (narcissistic supply) from drama.
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/2694/narsissim-aspd-narcissistic-surviver-syndrome
