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Post by cravingmj on Aug 1, 2024 10:54:29 GMT
I am 22, my boyfriend is 32. He has been ignoring me for a total of 4 days now, but the fight happened exactly 10 days ago.
The fight: I accused him of cheating and I yelled at him - I called him a lying dog, pathological liar, say a lot of harsh and wrong things that he did not deserve. I won't get into details but I was talking about my job and he said how his female friend (never mentioned her before) does the same thing, and I 99% sure he mentioned her on purpose, to make me jealous after an incident that happened with his friend towards me. That doesn't even matter right now and I am past it as I really do not think he is cheating and it was my fault of accusing him.
The next day I reached out with a good morning text, he completely ignored me, he went out, got drunk and finally responded in the middle of the night, posted our song on his story and admitted he is really, really mad at me, opened up a little and eventually he started ignoring me completely, he said how I always attack him randomly like we are enemies, that I am always aggressive, cold, and I make him really nervous without a valid reason.
It's true that this time is my fault, but the silent treatment occured in the past already but for a short period of time so I didn't think too much of it before.. sometimes it feels like I have to mindread what I did wrong (and I am not even wrong!). I know FAs tend to shut down a lot and not speak their minds.
He is conflict avoidant so he rather go silent, he is extremely avoidant in general, he barely talks about his feelings and everything else so I am surprised he even opened up and admitted that my behaviour bothers him and makes him nervous.
So the first few days he would answer after a day, but now I am being ignored for a total of 4 days, I noticed each time he answered, he took longer and longer, last time he took a whole day, and now it's been 4 days since his last response. I understand he is mad but what can I do now? I already admitted I was wrong and that I will try to get better.
How do I cope with silent treatment? This feels like a punishment. Does he even love me if he can go ignore me for this long?
Please, don't say to break up because that's not an option right now and respect my decision.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 1, 2024 13:17:41 GMT
Maybe he needs more time to process
Just because you are ready to talk, doesn’t mean that he is.
Often times we are in a relationship with someone who reacts the opposite
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Post by anne12 on Aug 1, 2024 13:27:55 GMT
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Post by aguy89 on Aug 1, 2024 16:09:08 GMT
With my EX FA, when she was rude to me, it would sometimes take days for me to process my feelings while she were ready to talk quite fast.
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Post by mrob on Aug 1, 2024 22:17:40 GMT
I don’t argue with women, especially if I’m being provoked. I need time to gather my thoughts. With all due respect, the decision to break up may well not be yours. There is behaviour I don’t tolerate any more, just as I don’t expect people to put up with bad behaviour from me.
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Post by cravingmj on Aug 2, 2024 7:18:09 GMT
With my EX FA, when she was rude to me, it would sometimes take days for me to process my feelings while she were ready to talk quite fast. Did you also gave silent treatment and took space for days? He was responsive the first days and then he ignored my last 2 texts completely, one of them being "I miss you..", I wish he would voice his thoughts and feelings. |
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Post by cravingmj on Aug 2, 2024 7:18:53 GMT
I don’t argue with women, especially if I’m being provoked. I need time to gather my thoughts. With all due respect, the decision to break up may well not be yours. There is behaviour I don’t tolerate any more, just as I don’t expect people to put up with bad behaviour from me. I am not just a random woman to him, and I am sure certain times you should put pride aside and speak your mind, even if that means communicating you don't want the relationship anymore. I feel left in the dark. |
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Post by aguy89 on Aug 2, 2024 8:51:46 GMT
With my EX FA, when she was rude to me, it would sometimes take days for me to process my feelings while she were ready to talk quite fast. Did you also gave silent treatment and took space for days? He was responsive the first days and then he ignored my last 2 texts completely, one of them being "I miss you..", I wish he would voice his thoughts and feelings. I could explain this in that way, in my inner world "if im loved -> im treated well", but when i get signal "im loved -> but treated badly" it confuses a lot. So i would ask for some time. |
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Post by cravingmj on Aug 2, 2024 9:34:16 GMT
Did you also gave silent treatment and took space for days? He was responsive the first days and then he ignored my last 2 texts completely, one of them being "I miss you..", I wish he would voice his thoughts and feelings. I could explain this in that way, in my inner world "if im loved -> im treated well", but when i get signal "im loved -> but treated badly" it confuses a lot. So i would ask for some time. After how long would you calm yourself down and eventually try to be back to normal? It's been 4 days now, I am confused. |
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Post by aguy89 on Aug 2, 2024 9:52:29 GMT
I could explain this in that way, in my inner world "if im loved -> im treated well", but when i get signal "im loved -> but treated badly" it confuses a lot. So i would ask for some time. After how long would you calm yourself down and eventually try to be back to normal? It's been 4 days now, I am confused. Depends on the situation, from hours to days. I think it is better to reflect on yourself. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 2, 2024 10:59:41 GMT
I don’t argue with women, especially if I’m being provoked. I need time to gather my thoughts. With all due respect, the decision to break up may well not be yours. There is behaviour I don’t tolerate any more, just as I don’t expect people to put up with bad behaviour from me. I am not just a random woman to him, and I am sure certain times you should put pride aside and speak your mind, even if that means communicating you don't want the relationship anymore. I feel left in the dark. I do understand that you’re not a random. That makes it even more critical that any response is reasonable and considered. There’s too much at stake. You blew this up in such a way and these are some of the consequences. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 2, 2024 11:03:19 GMT
You can trigger a threat responce in him with your strong fight reactions.
Just as there is the chance that you were reacting from the reptile part of your brain with a fight response, his reptile brain response could be a flee response / freeze responce.
It can take some time to get the prefrontal part of the brain back online, so that you can think clearly and use logic and reason.
Did you read my post with the different trauma responses ?
My own go to is not fight but flee, collapse, freeze and I do not cope well with people with a strong fight response or/and an aggressive anger pattern
Oftentimes if we can not fight or flee, when we feel threatened at the instinctive level, our nerveus system can go into freeze and or maybe collapse.
We can all use different unhealthy anger patterns depending on the situation and the people we are interacting with. Maybe he is a guy who use passive agressive anger or passive anger when there is something he hasn’t communicated ect. which can trigger a response in you.
You can risk loosing your relationship, if you do not work with your strong reaction.
It is not okay.
I would def. work with a somatic experiencing attatchment trauma therapist to find out what’s underneath and learn how to regulate your nervous system BEFORE you react.
Your body will give you some signals about your nerveus system state. If you are not able to regulate (and it’s a trauma responce), you will have to go all the way through the trauma whirlwind- ithis is not healthy for your nerveussystem
Also I would learn how to communicate clearly, learn how to set boundaries and learn how to be vulnerable and ask for a need.
The boyfriends that I have had, who had a fight responce or who had a lot of temper, I have had to move away from them, in order to be able to regulate and think clearly.
Sometimes my reaction has pissed them off, but I had to move away. If not it would have taken me even longer time to get my prefrontal cortex back online.
As someone who has a tendency to go into freeze, it feels awful not being able to speak or sometimes hear👂 or move My body .
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Post by cravingmj on Aug 2, 2024 11:24:12 GMT
I understand.. so should I just give him space or send a final text asking where I stand?
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Post by mrob on Aug 2, 2024 11:31:04 GMT
I think a text is quite reasonable.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 2, 2024 11:49:21 GMT
I wouldn’t ask where I stand - to me it sounds like he is still prossesing something.
I will post some links later with some suggestions
At least he has communicated and not kept totally silent.
And in the meantime what can you do to comfort yourself and take Care of yourself and Maybe comfort your inner child ?
And live your life until he gets back to you ?
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