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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2024 22:00:56 GMT
Can he be helped, oh for sure? Is that my responsibility, I vacillate. Anyone can be helped at any age, but only if they want to change. Him saying he hurts everyone and bailing is NOT someone who wants to change, grow, or heal. It's NOT your responsibility, as you are neither his therapist nor his mother. Think about how much self-directed effort it took for you to get through your issues. Could anyone have done that for you? What did it take for you to seek professional help? I can guarantee he's not motivated to do any of it right now or he wouldn't have behaved this way. Personally, while any of those things I listed would have been deal breakers for me, abandoning me 25 miles away from home??? Absolutely not. There would be no recovery from that. I don't need anyone around who can't be trusted, no one has time for that. Be grateful he's showing you who he is so you have all the information you need, even if it took a year. I'm sorry it hurts, break ups are always upsetting especially with a blind side, but you'll be better without him in the long run. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2024 22:06:48 GMT
He said’Mum( I’m British).. where have your boundaries gone? If you are looking to introspect about what this reveals for you, your son has it exactly right. This is what needs to be examined by you, not your partner's behavior. Why did your boundaries erode throughout this relationship? Why are you putting your needs to the wayside once he starts behaving badly? |
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fiona
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Post by fiona on Aug 4, 2024 2:51:09 GMT
He said’Mum( I’m British).. where have your boundaries gone? If you are looking to introspect about what this reveals for you, your son has it exactly right. This is what needs to be examined by you, not your partner's behavior. Why did your boundaries erode throughout this relationship? Why are you putting your needs to the wayside once he starts behaving badly? In complete honesty and by sitting with your question.. answer: Because I fell deeply in love with him? My boundaries did erode in the last month or so and it took other people , like my boy to jolt me into recognition. In general however, it’s pretty impossible these days for me to take shi”t from a guy or anyone. I know I’ll get to a place( possibly in a week or so?) where I’ll stop dead in my tracks and shake my head and say ‘why the eff did I put up with that crap?’ I see now that I had begun negating my own core needs in the relationship, trading them for nice company, going out for a day, sex etc when I really wanted more substantial commitment. He was ‘managing’ me within the relationship to fulfill his needs.. that meant telling me he loved me frequently and a lot of contact but without the underpinning depth and sharing of vulnerability or future focus a relationship might need at our stage to survive. His aim was to keep me perpetually in the honeymoon stage.. that suited his needs. He’d talk to me for hours when he was away( much more than I needed..?).. because he was lonely, it filled his day. That was the anxious side to him.He’s entitled to continue with his self serving view of relationships but I have to move on with my life. I only have one tie to him, the booked holiday in two months.. I’m going to cut my losses there. Do I actually have to speak to him about it, probably not.. I reckon he’ll try to move on quickly, he has desperate desire for pseudo intimacy and Limerence, it’s his life blood in a way? Thanks for your comment. I truly needed to hear it. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 4, 2024 2:56:01 GMT
So you need to next ask yourself, why would falling deeply in love with someone = abandoning your boundaries? Love and healthy relationships are about two wholes coming together and making each other better. Why should you abandon yourself because you feel in love? That suggests the other person is above you, rather than at least equal?
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fiona
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Post by fiona on Aug 4, 2024 3:08:54 GMT
So you need to next ask yourself, why would falling deeply in love with someone = abandoning your boundaries? Love and healthy relationships are about two wholes coming together and making each other better. Why should you abandon yourself because you feel in love? That suggests the other person is above you, rather than at least equal? Indeed.. I had been alone for some years, celibate, dated but only as friends. I had a benchmark because I knew what a secure relationship felt like. I’d had that and wanted it again. Somehow this guy got past my radar. I’m so blindsided because for a longtime I felt I’d hit the jackpot. Yes, there were aspects of my life I had started to abandon because of the connection I felt to him. Not good and I’m beating myself up about that… |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 4, 2024 4:29:40 GMT
Do not beat yourself up. Give yourself some love and nourishments And use the two chair anger meditation ect. - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/Tools to process a broken heart: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38626/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/53694/The booked Holliday - sell it, go by yourself or with a friend ect. You can bond through sex, touch, kisses- it produces the bonding hormone oxytocin - it takes longer time to leave the body for women than for men. So have some patients with yourself. (it’s supposed to have less affect on woman after meno pause) |
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fiona
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Post by fiona on Aug 4, 2024 8:38:00 GMT
Do not beat yourself up. Give yourself some love and nourishments And use the two chair anger meditation ect. - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/Tools to process a broken heart: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38626/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/53694/The booked Holliday - sell it, go by yourself or with a friend ect. You can bond through sex, touch, kisses- it produces the bonding hormone oxytocin - it takes longer time to leave the body for women than for men. So have some patients with yourself. (it’s supposed to have less affect on woman after meno pause) Thanks for these references, will read them all. |
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