Interesting Quote about the Nature of an Avoidant/Narcissist

My avoidant actually never blamed me. He idealized me, and weirdly still does, whenever he is talking to anyone about me. It was his sense that I was "too good for him" , "too perfect" that was the excuse to leave. When I do see him, it's like a record he plays in his head. It is the perfect excuse to not face what he is dealing with that caused him to sabotage the relationship.

Katy, I understood exactly what you were saying, and the 'wild animal' analogy is fine. Another analogy I've read in professional circles is that they are more like three year olds -- selfish because of developmental impairment. The adult Avoidant doesn't get the pass of a three year old, obviously, but it does act as a guide or tool for us in learning how to deal/cope with them. We don't have reasoned adult discussions with a three year old, and it's just as futile with an Avoidant. Their triggers turn them from "normal" to disturbed irrespective of us or our behavior. I could have three days and nights of genuine happiness with my ex, then wake up on the morning of the fourth to a completely different woman. If that doesn't scramble your brains, I don't know what does...

I think of DAs as very low level Narcissists - people who are lacking empathy and have a damaged ability to bond with others, but they are not manipulative or highly toxic evil-doers like full-blown Narcissists.

I have a parent who is a full-blown NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) as well as my most recent ex-boyfriend, who I spent 3 of the worst years of my life with. Both my parent and my ex have many avoidant traits, and in fact I say that most NPDs are likely to also be avoidant. However, and this is important - most avoidants are not Narcissists. They are merely narcissistic (lacking in empathy - i.e. extraordinarily self-centered and unable to see how their behavior affects others, and they struggle to form strong bonds with people in their lives, often due to childhood trauma).

The experience of being with a Narcissist is a process of slowly realizing that they are batshit crazy, vicious motherf**kers, who derive pleasure from hurting you. Narcissists have the false self which is an integral part of how they relate to the world, and how they derive their Narcissistic supply. My ex had a false self (Jekyll persona) that was a humble do-gooder, a good Samaritan. He works for a charity and is their go-to guy. All of his coworkers love him. Behind closed doors, he was evil incarnate.

"Jekyll" is like a role that Narcissists play, and they collect people around them who believe in Jekyll and who validate that false persona. Then, when they are alone with you, they show a completely different personality - Hyde.

Another big difference between Avoidants and Narcissists is the Narc rage. All Narcs have serious issues with rage, and the longer you stay with one, the more you will be walking on eggshells to avoid the next explosive argument. They also have ZERO tolerance for criticism. I mean zero. My ex once raged at me for THREE DAYS because I dared ask him to put away his phone at our anniversary dinner (he had been looking at it and ignoring me). That is how incredibly thin-skinned they are. A normal healthy person wouldn't take offense to such a request. My ex took offense to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. He could seriously pull a fight out of thin air. He could start an argument over dryer lint or postage stamps. Anything. He was a master manipulator and crazymaker.

My ex's behavior was very typical, I now know, for Narcissistic personality disorder. He was ALSO avoidant, so he would do things like subtly ignore me when we were together by continually focusing on his phone or his tablet or his sports radio or whatever. He never wanted to have an actual meaningful conversation, and I would often be bored to tears at restaurants because of this. He was always at my house, but would maintain distance with various deflecting techniques like always being preoccupied with his gadgets. 

So the Avoidant behaviors were wrapped up in his dysfunction, but the Narcissism was the reigning disorder. And I got to know Narcissism really really really well - I've read now over 100 books on NPD and personality disorders in general - and while there is some overlap with Avoidant attachment style for sure, they are NOT the same thing, and the experience of being with an Avoidant is a walk in the park, a piece of cake, compared to what you would deal with with a full-blown NPD.

I would say the main difference is that you don't get a sense with Avoidants that they are manipulative and evil, but these things are very predominant with Narcissists. With my ex, he was so awful, I felt like I needed to see a priest or something when I finally got out of that relationship. There were things I saw that made me question if he was even human. I felt like I needed to be cleansed with some holy water or something. This is just something you would never have to worry about with a DA or FA, as frustrating and difficult as they can be to deal with.