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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 23:48:29 GMT
Hi people! Wondering if anyone has the same feeling like I do - that people are happier when I’m not around?
Some context here:
I’m back visiting my parents after a recent relocation. Apparently in the time I’m gone (2weeks), the house got cleaned up and works were done. This never really happened when I was around. My dad also really stepped up to the plate and got a lot of shit done for my mum. As a couple they seem much better than the whole of 30 years I was around.
In my most serious relationships, it’s long distance. My demands seem to exhaust them, and I don’t even think I’m unreasonable about them. They want me in their lives but not with them by their side.
I just have this observation that people I love thrive when I’m not around to drain them or be a burden. Anyone else has this it is it just me?
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 16, 2018 1:09:30 GMT
Is it possible you are just noticing evidence that makes it look like they're happier when you're not around, and ignoring the evidence that they are in fact happy sometimes and unhappy sometimes in a way that really isn't about you?
It is also true that there is no way for you to REALLY know whether or not these people are thriving when you're gone. It may appear from the distance that they are, but there is really no way to know. It's possible they have all sorts of struggles. It's also possible that when you were around they were thriving in ways they aren't when you're gone.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 4:38:23 GMT
Is it possible you are just noticing evidence that makes it look like they're happier when you're not around, and ignoring the evidence that they are in fact happy sometimes and unhappy sometimes in a way that really isn't about you? It is also true that there is no way for you to REALLY know whether or not these people are thriving when you're gone. It may appear from the distance that they are, but there is really no way to know. It's possible they have all sorts of struggles. It's also possible that when you were around they were thriving in ways they aren't when you're gone. No real idea. I just know that this is an emotion or thought that keeps surfacing. Like I don’t really contribute to the person’s life by being myself, and I’m often a burden. When I was growing up, this was probably the case. I was often sickly and my parents would say things like she was so hard to take care of, she was a lot of work, enough with one. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 9:54:18 GMT
It sounds to me like an example of bias typical of us anxious people...due to low self-esteem, we often feel like a burden and that we have nothing to contribute in other people's lives. Like compassionateavoid suggested, it is possible that you only notice the evidence that suits your negative bias. I do the same thing myself, and I know how difficult it is to view it differently. We have then a tendency to want to prove our assumption by finding "evidence" out there.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 11:08:18 GMT
Thanks alpenglow. Yes I agree with what you say - my mind knows this somewhat but my emotions go another way. I just feel useless. This is especially stark when I’m with my mum, because she is very sociable and knows a lot of things, i often have no voice when I’m with her. Being with her triggers me.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 11:41:39 GMT
I totally understand the feeling. I often feel useless around anyone (even people I don't know) who are more sociable and knowledgeable than me. "Better" in areas where I also wish to be good at. It's the typical "I'm not good enough" trigger. So it's not surprising that you feel triggered this way around your mum.
With me and effort, you might be able to learn how to be more assertive around her. Did she have a habit of putting you down the times you voiced your opinion?
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 11:43:31 GMT
"my mind knows this somewhat but my emotions go another way" is like THE definition of insecurely attached people with awareness  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:35:20 GMT
Yes! She does dismiss or put me down, or at least I feel so. I was just telling my Cousin about being upset with her and she said that she felt the same - like my mum didn’t want her (my cousin) to be successful and wants her to stay as a baby.
I was already triggered by her and then because Of that trigger, I got triggered in my relationship as well. I just ended a call with my DA where I just unloaded all the resentment and anger I have with him (cos i felt dismissed when I try to bring up rship issues). This time he “caught” me properly.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 7:53:48 GMT
Then your reaction is not surprising, even your cousin feels the same way! I would, too.
Feeling dismissed is a major trigger for us APs.
How did your DA manage to catch you? What did he do?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 8:17:07 GMT
Then your reaction is not surprising, even your cousin feels the same way! I would, too. Feeling dismissed is a major trigger for us APs. How did your DA manage to catch you? What did he do? He went into serious mode which means he’s “there”. He listens, pick out the points and then work on it like it’s a business meeting. This means he’s catching me and taking it seriously. When he’s not catching me, he’s minimising or dismissing what I said, for example, he says things like why are you still complaining about the same thing, is this even important, duhhhh, I’m sleepy. Or he makes bad jokes which just makes it worse. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 8:21:43 GMT
Ok, I understand! That's a positive thing.
The things he says when he's not taking you seriously are major triggers, ugh, that would drive me nuts. I actually don't think I have ever been with a DA.
Working on it like it's a business meeting is also a DA thing, from what I have read. They treat such matters as facts, in a very analytical manner. Not much empathy to be found, feelings and emotions are left out.
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