Re-reading Attached ... AP's can also deactivate

of course it's not, but many of us here don't know how to manage these things because for APs, it's all rolled up into one big ball of emotions and sometimes, trying to manage one part makes the other parts worse. For example, we see right here that APs use anger to detach and move away - this is clearly good for self protection, but not necessarily healthy for a relationship that can be saved. I've been reading everyone's stories here, including the DA's, and I think my relationship is somewhat normal. There's no abuse, we talk everyday, we text, etc. So, i'm getting triggered because of some very fundamental issues in my attachment style, and i don't want to accidentally break the relationship.

kristyrose, yes that's exactly right. it is so easy to break the relationship using various strategies just to detach. i think the trick to healing is to deactivate, focus on yourself and not rely on that feeling of attachment to signal love. i can do that sometimes, but on some days, i can just feel it getting triggered. you said that anger helps you detach - i agree, but i think it needs to be channeled more constructively. i've felt the same! what i (try to) do, is to remind myself that i am worthy of love and that i am able to set standards for myself on the kind of partner that I want for myself. anger just indicates to you that you need to take action for yourself, rather than blame the other person for not doing enough to help the relationship. this is something i remind myself again and again and again, almost everyday. I tell myself that i set the standards, i communicate them, i act according to them. if he doesn't meet them, then BYE. this is nothing to do with attachment styles, but simply focusing on the most important thing in all relationships - what you want from and can offer in a relationship.

to the other points that tgat and lucy brought up, i completely agree with tgat's point that don't expect the DA to heal their deep wounds for you, it's always for themselves as it should for the AP. To tgat, yes i agree with you, but i think lucy's request is reasonable. communication is key, i know, but i do think that it only helps with BOTH parties are willing to participate and respond to each other during it.

i think we're saying the same thing! I think i did exactly what you are describing - i needed to use the anger to get control of myself and detach, and then work from there, where I can be in my own space and focused on myself. but sometimes my head runs and this anger can be used to demonize the partner, which is why i say i have to constantly remind myself not to do that. 

i think you're absolutely right.

For APs, i think our needs are really not salient in the early days of the relationship as we're so focused on the high of dating and just soaking in the glow of finding someone who seems perfect by themselves. Overtime, we start to feel like mm, we need abit more, and then our needs become more salient. Then, we feel like the avoidants aren't meeting them, and in fact, distancing from us! *trigger alert for everybody*.

to deactivate truly, is to just not want the other person to fulfil it, and to self soothe. the amount of support and reinforcement we get depends on how avoidant/secure the partner is.

i read this little story today: "i always asked my wife to do things, while she always told me to do things. one day, i asked myself, who let her be the boss of me?! the answer was me." so, i guess APs need to just focus on ourselves, and let the DA know that this is what you'd like to have. If the DA is willing and able to care about your needs, I guess they'll do something to move towards that, even if it's not particularly in the way we wish it was so?

yes, @anxious, that's the way i see it.
if there is truly a mutual partnership then needs will be expressed both ways and efforts made both ways.
if that's not the case, you have two people dancing and stepping on toes and no one is at fault, they are both dancing till someone decides to leave the dance floor and find a better partner.
finding a better partner will take some work on the self first, since the journey from insecure to secure is not instantaneous, it's a process.

i like that little story. that's it in a nutshell.

It's perfectly acceptable to be compassionate and empathetic from a distance. Even feeling those things, it doesn't mean that contact with someone is helpful or healthy for you. That's pretty much the stance I take towards my ex. What she has said and done has led me to want zero contact with her. Not because it hurts me now or I find it hard, but it adds nothing to my life. I wish her the best and I feel sorry for her, knowing how much of her life is numbed and stunted by how she's learned to attach from a young age. But it's not my place to try to change that. That has to be her own choice. And one that I don't see happening for quite a few years to come. It's great that there are a bunch if avoidantly attached people here that have found awareness, usually through many difficult years and troubled relationships and it's also important to realize that there are many, many more out there who are unaware that perhaps never will be.

You are so right. being in contact is too painful but then when we are not in contact, its somehow too painful to endure and i reach out, or he does. It's a shitty trap that only I can free myself out of. I don't know if you saw my post from earlier this week, but his phone lost all of his texts so he asked me to send all of ours including attachments- i told him the file is way too big it goes back to 2015. Those kinds of things ignite little flickers of hope and only serve to disappoint me when i know they mean nothing. he then texted to see a show last night, i said i could not and he just kept on texting asking if we could check in later, and i said it would be too late for me, he said oh lets check in anyway.if i do that, i look like a desperate idiot, if he does it, its totally fine. :-( Sorry Jaeger, I guess I'm unloading a bit