Post by cogs74 on May 17, 2018 14:24:44 GMT
Thanks for the comments all...and you're all right. This isn't new for me. As I'm approaching acceptance I'm left with myself. Becoming increasingly successful on the outside but aware that deep down I've always had that ugly mix of stuff (abandonment issues, fear of rejection, separation anxiety, depression, self esteem/self worth dependent upon validation from an unavailable/not that into me partners, attachment issues, and height issues (figured I'd throw that in for a self deprecating laugh). When things are good I'm quite accepting of myself and love my core qualities (warmth, humor, drive, etc).
I hadn't been in a relationship in awhile and when L and I started I was trying to have a mature/grown up relationship. I brought all myself in it, warts and all. And L , once she checked out, was able to pick all my insecurities apart..(I guess they call that emotional abuse-hard to take that one). Who wants to identify as an emotionally abused man? Can't wave that flag around anywhere other than in the therapist's office.
I comprehend the logic, I get her background and my background and I see how things played out the way they did. I know my mix of ugly stuff and L's distancing and comments cut right to the core. I struggle to get angry at her (which is necessary to move through this) because I know what her issues are all about. But DA's, as brutal and cutting as they can be, also seem to narrow on our worst qualities. No blame, I was an active particpant. And I know she`s an unaware DA. She can't hold a flaw at this point in her life.
So the good news is I'm motivated to become the best man that I can be and want to be happy. I can't remember the last time I actually felt that level of internal contentment. I'm gonna do the work on myself. It would have been nice if I did this in my mid 30's when I was going through similar type relationships. I am so codependent and I put on such a front when getting to know a new woman. Wouldn't it be great if you could create chemistry and reveal your true self. If leading with your flaws and being neurotic was an attractive quality I would not be coonecting with my new friends on Jeb's sight.
So yes, you are all right, learning to overcome my fears and learning how not to be self defeating are where my work lies. The human psyche can handle so much pain. I'm gradually accepting the reality that L has moved on. But regardless of all my inner junk I wish I knew that I was special to her and that she will carry me with her.
I'm approaching 60 days no contact/100 days post break up so I'm accepting of where I'm at in this process. I have so much empathy for those that pine and long for someone for such long periods of time. I've been there and that's the last place I wanna stay in. For anyone in pain on here...be with it and know that it will pass in time..
I hadn't been in a relationship in awhile and when L and I started I was trying to have a mature/grown up relationship. I brought all myself in it, warts and all. And L , once she checked out, was able to pick all my insecurities apart..(I guess they call that emotional abuse-hard to take that one). Who wants to identify as an emotionally abused man? Can't wave that flag around anywhere other than in the therapist's office.
I comprehend the logic, I get her background and my background and I see how things played out the way they did. I know my mix of ugly stuff and L's distancing and comments cut right to the core. I struggle to get angry at her (which is necessary to move through this) because I know what her issues are all about. But DA's, as brutal and cutting as they can be, also seem to narrow on our worst qualities. No blame, I was an active particpant. And I know she`s an unaware DA. She can't hold a flaw at this point in her life.
So the good news is I'm motivated to become the best man that I can be and want to be happy. I can't remember the last time I actually felt that level of internal contentment. I'm gonna do the work on myself. It would have been nice if I did this in my mid 30's when I was going through similar type relationships. I am so codependent and I put on such a front when getting to know a new woman. Wouldn't it be great if you could create chemistry and reveal your true self. If leading with your flaws and being neurotic was an attractive quality I would not be coonecting with my new friends on Jeb's sight.
So yes, you are all right, learning to overcome my fears and learning how not to be self defeating are where my work lies. The human psyche can handle so much pain. I'm gradually accepting the reality that L has moved on. But regardless of all my inner junk I wish I knew that I was special to her and that she will carry me with her.
I'm approaching 60 days no contact/100 days post break up so I'm accepting of where I'm at in this process. I have so much empathy for those that pine and long for someone for such long periods of time. I've been there and that's the last place I wanna stay in. For anyone in pain on here...be with it and know that it will pass in time..
