A few observations (tough love)

Thank you yasmin for all of this. I am new and just beginning to learn about attachment. I'm thankful for what I went through since now I know more about myself and what needs to be done to get better.
I am usually FA but went AP in my last ""relationship"" not sure what this other person attachment was but maybe DA or just not interested.

I took full responsibility all the time for everything that happened...I tried to understand and be kind and compassionate but went close to becoming a doormat and I think (as you so well put it) it's a way to demonstrate our self-righteousness, how we're not that bad because we can take it and a subtle way of manipulation even if you feel it comes from a real place.

I was pretty baffled and tried to understand why he wanted to keep dating me after he told me multiple times how he didn't feel the sparks, he compared how he felt with me and the other person, how I basically wasn't who he wanted and I felt guilty for not being her. I thought if maybe I just were like her I would be "right" for him. Isn't that awful? Instead of rejecting him because he didn't want ME or chose me I hoped to change myself and I didn't even knew who she was, they had dated for less than a month.

I felt anxious all the time which is something I'm always running from. I let myself become insecure, felt ugly and unwanted, felt like walking on eggshells and crazy. Signs of poor self-esteem and feeling unworthy.
I didn't have a moral support because I would trigger him. Once I cried after a hard year for my family. He said I went hysterical and asked me why he should care about my feelings. Still, I told him I didn't need him to fix things, I just wanted to be heard. I was catering to his needs.

And many other situations. When we broke up I was drained, I didn't want to keep trying and told him it was his decision. We had a nice time saying goodbye, thanking each other for everything and how we were gonna miss each other but how we had enjoyed and learned a few things along the way. I felt at peace because it was a nice break up. Few weeks later, we met again because we had a class together.

He told me how he wanted me back and plans for the future...I believed him because duh, AP, but didn't ask more to not look anxious. I was unable to set boundaries and talk straight to not trigger him.
So after being intimate he said he just said it as a thing of the moment and he didn't want me back. That's when I woke up and the illusion shattered. I finally realised how I had let myself down again seeking validation. He then basically said I was the one who couldn't contain myself around him.

At the end of the day it's our job to take care of ourselves and stand our ground to be respected, speak our mind and be proud of who we are flaws and all before loving someone else the same way.

This person is great really and I wasn't fantastic either..I made lots of mistakes from allowing bad behaviour to setting expectations, being insecure, pushing, asking for more time together, over analysing everything, being depressed, being extremely nice (it's bad!), not fully showing up and much more.

I never got to love him because love is a two way street and I wasn't right for him or he for me, it wasn't all bad, we had lots of fun and sometimes he was lovely to me which confused me, all the push pull dynamic I guess. I'll always admire him in other areas of life but we're both f***** up and oh, the Lord knows I tried. Finally I got the courage to cut all contact and told him I couldn't be friends with him.

I am happy I did because we were going to keep hurting each other for no reason. Friendship it's a promotion, not a demotion.

Sometimes we are with people who mirror our fears and I'm sure they see the same in us. Always be kind and sincere, don't play games. You're not less because you weren't right for each other and the other person is not a monster, he did warn me, I just tried to hard.

There's a song that says 'as it starts to heal (your heart) you'll find a better mirror in another'


Sorry for the long post. I never had the chance to fully write my feelings after all of this happened. It's a beginning to tackle my attachment.