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Post by tnr9 on Jun 6, 2018 23:39:44 GMT
I know that I am not alone in this....a few days ago B came over. He was in the area so it made sense (but oh how I wanted it to be a special trip just for me). We had a really nice catch up and when he left, I felt really proud of myself....but then...the "thoughts" started....I could sense myself analyzing everything...from his comment that he is not on social media a lot to the fact that he has changed his text messages ring tone to vibrate until he reads the text (he stated some people like a quick response) and both of those things made my mind automatically think...there is a girl...he must be seeing someone. That literally is my default thought even though he hasn't mentioned anyone. I have been really good about not swirling on that thought for too long...but I find it so very fascinating that I can discount myself so quickly and pair him up with an unknown someone based on 2 very basic comments. It is something I am pondering today. Does anyone else feel like you make up stuff?
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Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 1:14:53 GMT
Me!
I don’t do that with others, no as much. Don’t sure is it the fact that when the person doesn’t not communicate as much, filling the gaps help me to know what to do in the relationship...?
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on Jun 7, 2018 3:12:24 GMT
Guilty.
We build narratives based on our belief systems. But since we can never know what is really going on in someone's life or their head, it's really not helpful!
Could you maybe build 2 scenarios, one based on your belief system, and one based on the facts which will probably be more positive, and see how that makes you feel?
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 8, 2018 1:58:11 GMT
Oh yeah, totally I have done this! And sometimes I want to label it "intuition" as opposed to "making things up." But your awareness that you are projecting your own fears onto the situation is key here. I mean it may be totally made up, or it may be the actual reality of things, but there is no way to really know from this sort of evidence. I guess it's really about fear-- facing up to whatever our fears are, in your case the fear that he may now have a new girlfriend.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2018 8:59:49 GMT
Guilty. We build narratives based on our belief systems. But since we can never know what is really going on in someone's life or their head, it's really not helpful! Could you maybe build 2 scenarios, one based on your belief system, and one based on the facts which will probably be more positive, and see how that makes you feel? Hey flic...thanks so much for the suggestion...yes...I am working towards countering the automatic scenarios with a scenario that speaks to the fact that all I know is that he and I had a nice time together as friends. |
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Post by boomerang on Jun 8, 2018 14:04:23 GMT
Could you just ask him to let you know if he starts dating someone else? He seems to be kind to you and you are not dating now, so maybe...you can just ask him to let you know if and when he is? I realize it depends on the relationship you have and how you think that impacts the dynamic, but if you asked him to do this for you, would he?
I also struggle with making things up about the things I fear the most, but realize it is because I feel I don't have a path to "know". For me, lack of facts leads me into unending rabbit holes of anxious speculation. Not that I want a painful truth, but then I at least know what the situation is and can set about dealing with it however I will. If this is a core fear and you feel you can trust him to tell you, if you feel you can ask that of him, maybe that would ease your mind...
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2018 17:10:52 GMT
Could you just ask him to let you know if he starts dating someone else? He seems to be kind to you and you are not dating now, so maybe...you can just ask him to let you know if and when he is? I realize it depends on the relationship you have and how you think that impacts the dynamic, but if you asked him to do this for you, would he? I also struggle with making things up about the things I fear the most, but realize it is because I feel I don't have a path to "know". For me, lack of facts leads me into unending rabbit holes of anxious speculation. Not that I want a painful truth, but then I at least know what the situation is and can set about dealing with it however I will. If this is a core fear and you feel you can trust him to tell you, if you feel you can ask that of him, maybe that would ease your mind... He would definately tell me if I asked...and about a month or so ago he told me that he isn't looking for the "one" right now. I think it is just that I see so many positive changes in him and I have a hard time (not 100% sure I know why...and I sense the little girl in me is really scared of admitting this) believing he would choose to make these changes on his own. Wow...this has really touched a nerve in me....whenever my little girl is scared that someone will be angry or disapprove of her...I cry. It was a coping skill with my mom as if to say..surely you cannot be mad or upset with me if I cry....but I digress. I don't know honestly why I am struggling with the thought that B would make positive changes without there being a girl behind those changes. I won't call it faulty thinking..I will say that it is thinking that isn''t adult in nature. I will need to explore this further. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 8, 2018 23:39:03 GMT
I think Boomerang has a good idea here...if you think he actually would tell you.
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