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Post by ocarina on Dec 14, 2018 20:34:25 GMT
I am posting in the DA section really because my last relationship - the one that brought me here a few years ago in an attempt to fix things - or at least understand what was going on, was with someone whose behaviour was typical of a DA/FA, but the lessons I have learnt over this time, could apply to any attachment style.
We were together for six years and through this time I sought over an over again to hold things together and recreate the amazing feeling of closeness we had when things were good - a kind of intense connection that I've never experienced (late 40s lots of kids, long marriage). During this time I went from a kind of acceptance - during which I pretzelled myself into the perfect cool partner - pretty well I have to say - although completely at the expense of my own self esteem! It didn't work. From there I went on to understand him - for surely through understanding I could build some kind of better relationship, learn to communicate better, make change. I now know ALOT but guess what? It didn't work. Fast forward to round three and with support both externally and from these boards, I had to look at my own part - to be honest I would rather have gouged my eyes out with spoons, since this was his problem wasn't it? I couldn't have been to blame in any way? After some time spent learning self compassion and understanding, I began to really want to live well, to become clear of my own values, to find my edges where I could compromise and where I couldn't - and somewhere along the line, I realised I could no longer walk on eggshells or supress what I needed at my own expense. When I was clear about my needs he disappeared - it was one of the most painful experiences of my life, but I did experience it and went through the anger and resentment, the sadness and the blame.
He reappeared a while back - for the first time full of declarations of undying love - but - and this is the important part for me. I no longer had to resort to ways to try to understand him, to change myself, to feel I wasn't enough. After pushing through the pain of separation I now see how I was asking the impossible of him - how asking anyone to bring that feeling of connection and joy in the long term, is a road to disaster - and to ask this of a someone with an attachment disorder is even more so. Not only that - it's unfair. My resentment and feelings of not enough were projected onto him as a result of my expectations - which were in themselves totally unrealistic. No wonder I felt miserable.
So - what's changed? I now appreciate the wisdom and solidity that comes from consciously living my own values. It has given me the freedom to choose where I engage and with whom, has enabled me to put boundaries in place and brought a sense of peace and joy to life which means I am much less reliant on others for my own self enhancement and can therefore enjoy their company much more for what it is rather than have to work to change them to fit my bill - which was pointless and exhausting.
With my ex partner now - we have navigated a close friendship where I have boundaries in place firm enough to allow me to love him for what he is, not for what I need from him in a relationship - something he can't give. I have control - but control of my own life and my behaviours rather than the need to control him.
I feel that so often love is mis-sold in our society - it's sold as that feeling which will complete us and this is what we are encouraged to go searching for - not only searching for, but once we have it we need to cling to it and all too often, this requires out partner to behave in a certain way to make us feel just so. This is clearly an impossibility for anyone - and even more so for a partner who has some kind of disordered attachment. I am beginning to learn that real lasting love is a choice - one that starts with learning real self compassion and the ability to face difficult emotions head-on. It's not easy, but without this, the longing in our hearts to be completed leads so easily to clinging and manipulation and the very antithesis of loving kindness. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 14, 2018 21:50:30 GMT
This is very very wise. Thank you for sharing this--I will speed along my journey!
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Post by ocarina on Dec 14, 2018 22:22:24 GMT
This is very very wise. Thank you for sharing this--I will speed along my journey! Thank you - there has certainly been a lot of unwiseness along the way on my side! I guess that's all part of the ride though. I have to say I think the way you handled your recent relationship was really mature and grounded - these kind of impossible relationships where there's also real connection, throw a curve ball into the system and can really mess with your head - particularly when you've never experienced anything like it before. As someone who'd been in a long term marriage I just had no idea people could be so complex! |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2018 22:27:20 GMT
I agree...it was so very well written and I applaud the honesty in it. I think it is in owning who we are...with self compassion, that we can give others the same.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 14, 2018 22:43:39 GMT
I agree...it was so very well written and I applaud the honesty in it. I think it is in owning who we are...with self compassion, that we can give others the same. Thank you. That's certainly something I aspire to. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 14, 2018 23:55:34 GMT
A lot of wisdom, ocarina, and acceptance you haven't previously displayed. You're sounding more secure every day  One point I may not agree with you on, though it may be semantics: "how asking anyone to bring that feeling of connection and joy in the long term, is a road to disaster." Do you mean you don't think people can sustain connection and joy long-term, even if they're securely attached? Or do you mean having a rigid expectation of someone who may not be on the same page is a disaster? I want to clarify that you don't think wanting that for yourself is asking for too much / something you may not deserve. I personally don't think asking for it between two emotionally healthy people is unreasonable in a very long-term relationship, IF both people are already looking to live their life that way and understand it involves some work to have that priority. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 15, 2018 0:47:55 GMT
Owning who you are and what you want is freedom.
I owned myself a long time ago, I know Im not perfect and neither will a partner or friend be. I accept imperfections. And accepting imperfections does not mean accepting bad behaviors nor sacrificing myself.
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Post by mrob on Dec 15, 2018 1:53:51 GMT
Thankyou, ocarina. Just beautiful. The proliferation of the idea of limerance as love, and the consequent pain is heartbreaking. |
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Post by ocarina on Dec 15, 2018 8:24:24 GMT
alexandra - what I was trying to convey was that I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a partner to consistently and over the long term provide the high that most of us experience when we find connection early in a relationship. Intimacy by its very nature will trigger us and at some point it’s certain we will feel out of love - and it’s at that point where a choice is possible- to choose loving presence as opposed to blaming and becoming resentful. So I do think successful long term relationships are possible but I think both partners require real skill and maturity to navigate the rough waters - something we’re not taught.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 15, 2018 8:28:36 GMT
I also believe that continued loving presence can mean disengagement from a relationship if it’s not allowing us to live within the framework of our values. That will hurt and we need to be prepared to ride that discomfort as opposed to demanding change from someone u willing or unable.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2018 21:32:08 GMT
alexandra - what I was trying to convey was that I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a partner to consistently and over the long term provide the high that most of us experience when we find connection early in a relationship. Intimacy by its very nature will trigger us and at some point it’s certain we will feel out of love - and it’s at that point where a choice is possible- to choose loving presence as opposed to blaming and becoming resentful. So I do think successful long term relationships are possible but I think both partners require real skill and maturity to navigate the rough waters - something we’re not taught. Ok, yes, you're referring to the honeymoon period hormones and lust and idealization awesomeness. Completely agree that chasing and expecting these sparks to endure is a recipe for disaster. My definition of connection was different than what you meant. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 16, 2018 0:44:31 GMT
I think it's realistic to think that in some relationships there will be intermittent connection and joy-- not like it dies forever and can never be resurrected, but more like it waxes and wanes or has its seasons that may change but still in some way returns at times.... but it is true that sometimes we grasp onto something once great that is unsustainable when ultimately we need to accept that it is too much to ask of others or of ourself.
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 16, 2018 0:45:35 GMT
Thankyou, ocarina . Just beautiful. The proliferation of the idea of limerance as love, and the consequent pain is heartbreaking.
So true mrob, so true.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 17, 2018 5:11:05 GMT
One of my biggest fears is that I will loose this mindset as it is relatively new for me. It is helpful to me to see others who continue to live it. I guess that is the path- trying to stay on some middle ground. When I fail, bringing myself back again and again until I can find a way to stay. A little longer each time. You won't lose it. Once you see it, you don't unsee it. You won't forget your insecure mindset or thought patterns, and sometimes your body may still respond that way, but it will make less and less sense for you to stay in distorted thought patterns. It feels really foreign at first, not being able to predict your reactions to things!, but you'll probably get more comfortable and confident in it within a few months. |
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