hi mistakes so sorry to hear that. my trick was everytime i had this urge, I would sit on my hands and breathe deeply, and then remind myself that if that urge is still there in XX days, I will consider it again. The number ain't gonna change, so it'll still be there when you're clear what this urge is about.
Dear all, I just ended the “relationship” the the FA last night, I gave a short text to say that I need to stop.
It is painful, I’ve been trying to stick to my own feelings and need, but the urge to contact him again is growing, please help me to fight it.
If it helps, I’m right there with you. Recovering AP. I stepped away a month ago. I remind myself daily that he will step up or not, on his own. If he wanted to make us work, he would find a way. I went round and round the mountain with him 16 mos after he broke up with me. I reached out and accepted bread crumbs. I participated in a casual, sexual relationship devoid of feeling or emotion on his end. No emotional support, empathy or willingness to change. I finally just had to stop compromising my standards for a man who wouldn’t step up for me. I had to stop making excuses for him and accommodating him. No contact took my power back. It will take your power back. I don’t have ill feelings for him- I believe he meant me no harm. Regardless, I needed my power back. I needed to stop the hurtful pattern.
No contact gives you time to heal. Time isn’t the enemy your anxiety causes you to feel it is with every passing hour. You need time. Not giving my ex the benefits of a relationship (sex) without a relationship was a step in valuing myself and setting up healthy boundaries. Set boundaries to protect your heart from further pain.
As an AP moving toward secure- I needed to learn to love and accept myself and find validation within. The time and space triggers were staples for me in my AP ways, but those triggers are diminishing as I grow in my security. They will diminish for you, too.
Practically speaking, I’ve watched many helpful videos that keep me on track and I pray for fresh resolve. I’ve removed all reminders of him from my sight. I turn off any songs that bring him to mind. It’s hard, but I know I’m doing the right thing by not compromising my needs and wants and that helps me to not reach out. Focusing more on the logical side of my brain opposed to the emotional helps me make better choices that aren’t driven by my heart.
I have bad moments and I still cry just about every day, but I cry for a shorter amount of time and I’m able to pick myself up and move on. We deserve partners who have our backs and love us the way we deserve to be loved.
The time and space is less overwhelming if you take it hour by hour, day by day. The sun setting isn’t a time to feel panic and anxiety over facing another 24 period apart- nightfall is just a time for rest. Same as the day, only with rest. The sun will set and rise and you’ll be okay. Sleep is just a short period. Then the day starts anew.
Be kind and loving to you. Do what brings you joy and comfort...set up safeguards to keep you strong. You can do this- one minute at a time 💗
Thank you, I will sit on my hands, set a time, and respect my own boundaries.
It’s true, I don’t see him in a bad way, but breadcrumbing, sex without emotional support was harmful to my heart.
But my mind keep saying that, the text was too simple and I didn’t state my need or deal breaker in a clear way. Should I make it more clear now? Or do so only if he find a way to me, or else, it’s pointless?
nope. nothing to say unless he asks genuinely. you asked for an outcome that you want/need for your own benefit, and that is all you need. the process of arriving there is irrelevant to him and only to you for your own self-understanding and self-evolution.
well his best isn't what you need. it's not about insufficiency, it's about incompatibility. you can still love someone but not want to be together as a pair. it's really about making it clear for yourself what is the point of a relationship - the practical functions of a relationship is for you, as well as spiritually and psychologically. for me now, it's about being compatible as partners that's important - i want to find a good team mate to co-create life with, and I really dont want to be partnering with someone who is amazing as is but we aren't a good team together. that's just... a cramp on everyone's style. if we're amazing as is but not together, then it's best that we appreciate that amazingness from a distance so that it can be kept beautiful as it is.
if you truly respect that he has done his best and it's not making you happy, then walking away and letting it be is the BEST thing you can do for him.
Another struggle, what if he already gave me his best? I don’t want to turn hurt him, just because he doesn’t meet my need, that against my believes of what love is...
I guess that’s how I keep most of the relationship with my family, close relationship means that I can’t expect people to fill my need, and I need to respect the other person has done their best.
Yes, I too believe love is patient, kind and understanding; however, love doesn’t hurt or harm. Love is not selfish. If this partner can’t or won’t be there for you in a true partnership of giving and receiving, then it will never be fulfilling. You deserve to love and be loved. Some people are better loved from a distance. It doesn’t mean you don’t want the best for them and it doesn’t mean you aren’t patient, kind and understanding. It just means this person isn’t a good fit for a life partner. There are many people that we love that wouldn’t make good intimate partners. A partner can’t meet all our needs, but enhancing another’s life is a reasonable and healthy desire in a relationship. Don’t settle for bread crumbs from the table.
Thanks for differenting love and partnership! It’s spot on, and make more sense then “normal friend” that suggest a “selfish kind” of love.
Thank you for sticking here, patiently and gently guiding the my crazy mind.
He has my love and blessing from afar, and it’s easier to let go this way. Thanks a million, and wish you all well in your journeys too.
You’re so welcome. Matters of the heart are complicated. Everyone’s mind gets crazy at times! Releasing in love and loving yourself is sometimes the best thing to do, if not the easiest. Prayers for your continued healing 💗
Post by leavethelighton on Mar 17, 2019 23:57:05 GMT
Hang in there. Your longterm wellbeing is worth more than participating in something alluring but futile out of hope that the dynamic will somehow change if only you kept trying. Keep doing what's best for you.