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Post by happyidiot on Apr 8, 2019 16:06:38 GMT
candy How long were you together?
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candy
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Post by candy on Apr 8, 2019 16:26:18 GMT
Deleted for personal reasons
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hola
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Post by hola on Apr 8, 2019 16:39:46 GMT
I am not going to write here his long emotional break up message but he said two things that makes me go hmmmm... 1 - He has to make a proper effort to work on his issues before involving a 'nice person' like me2 - We can talk sometime about other stuff but there is nothing else to say on this subject (of us) So my mind spins: 1 - I know for a fact that for him I am much more than a 'nice person' but I understand that for him it is hard to express feelings...he expressed feeling of loveliness about our relationship in general on his break up message. I understand that when feeling distant and trying to get away he wouldn't go praise my wonderfulness especially since he is making a point to not make me even more confused... Could I been just delusional here? Also does it mean that after /if he manages to work on his issues he would consider 'involving' me? 2 - He left a door open... obviously didn't want to be overwhelmed with more talks about the situation. But mentioned talking 'sometime' and mentioned subjects to talk about, things that are special for us, inside jokes....I obviously didn't take the bait. I am not talking. The ball is in his court. His message was very thoughtful and well written, but all about himself and his needs, lots of apologies and self loathing for destroying our lovely thing. I replied with a simple 'ok' because I didn't want to write nothing else at the time. I just wanted to finally officially get the space for both of us. I know I came across as cold and indifferent. But he knows I am not. And he knows and felt how much I care in our previous interactions when he started deactivating... Anyway, I am moving on, having fun talking to other people, finding my feet again and discovering new places inside myself. Love him even more for the opportunity of growth he has given me when we were together and now that we are apart. What a wonderful man! I wish him all the best. Should have written that but I missed the chance and it seemed cheesy at the time. Whatever. We will probably bump into each other at some event at some point. I do hope I am genuinely happy and give him an authentic warm sunshine smile like the ones he love and makes him feel good inside. I will probably delete this thread after some time. I am scared he will come here and recognise me. (2 - He left a door open... obviously didn't want to be overwhelmed with more talks about the situation. But mentioned talking 'sometime' and mentioned subjects to talk about, things that are special for us, inside jokes....I obviously didn't take the bait. I am not talking. The ball is in his court.) <---This - He's leaving a door open because Basically he's telling you he wants a relationship w/you, but not as close or how you want it. He's pushing you back w/his boundaries (the talk about him having to work on himself, etc). He's saying he can't give you what you want, but he's trying to move the relationship to where it feels OK to HIM. That's why the talk about himself and his needs. See, up to now, he's probably been trying to be what you wanted. He's out of his comfort zone etc.. So now, he's wanting to take it back to him and what he's comfortable with. Doesn't make him a bad man or anything, it's just what he knows. You'll need to sit back w/yourself and think if what he'll eventually propose will be OK w/YOUR needs. You may be able to find a common ground, you'll just have to see what he comes back with. The talk about making a proper effort to work on his issues? Don't bank on this, look at him the way he is today, and see if that will be OK for you. I find it helps me see the relationship as is....and when I see it's not really working for me, then I'll make the decision to continue. Don't feel bad about how you responded with just an OK. It was perfect actually, because you didn't go into AP mode and try to convince/beg/plead w/him. It just makes things worse. Saying "OK" is simply saying, I HEAR you and it's OK. Hope this helps
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candy
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Post by candy on Apr 8, 2019 16:53:53 GMT
Deleted for personal reasons
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Post by suburbanwizard on Apr 8, 2019 22:48:21 GMT
No contact from my understanding is for a period to give you both time to think, heal and all that. Often 30 days is recommended. Thats a Youtube dating coach thing and a game play in my opinion unless you both agree on a break to reflect, you're dumped its forever. Or a recommend from a therapist because you are trying to repair so it a mutual understanding taking that time off if your in couples therapy. Good dating coaches will tell you its forever and not a way to get them back, etc, its a move on thing.
No contact is meant to be forever so You heal/reflect/move on, its not about the other person at all and their healing/reflection either, or a time limit, its about yourself moving on with your life, you were dumped. Unless the dumper reaches out you can talk but if they dont you stay no contact. If Im dumped Im moving on not on a hold out for 30 days, 60 days, etc.
Reaching out after being dumped is an AP thing. You dont have kids, some bills or the like to still take care of there is no reason to contact an ex that dumped you. A reach out is some form of validation/neediness. If the dumper wants you back, they will come.
You might be right about the Youtube dating coach part, but I think you're oversimplifying. First I wasn't suggesting that you reach out after 30 days, but that even if they reach out, you keep communications silent for AT LEAST 30 days. I've had people break up and then keep texting, for a number of reasons. Better to tell them you need your space after a breakup. Second, as another user posted, there are lots of reasons why someone might reach out down the line after a breakup. I agree that only DA type people are totally ok with just removing someone from their lives, people with a more secure connections style might have many reasons for reaching out after a relationship. I think it depends on a lot of things, but ultimately, yes after a definitive breakup its best to part ways for life. However, in my experience with FA's, their breakups tend to be very hedged, indirect and lacking in clarity. I don't recommend reaching out most of the time, but I can see why a lot of people would want to.
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Post by sissyk on Apr 8, 2019 23:18:44 GMT
Welcome!
I wonder where you just were together a 2 and a half months if this should just be viewed as an early dating thing rather than a FA thing?
Even with strong feelings and wonderful chemistry, that early on everyone is still gathering data. The first few months are lovely as everyone is on hormone cloud and their best behavior so maybe he withdrew after the first whiff of reality? It is possible when he saw your responsibilities as a single mom that entered into his calculations.
The excerpt from the goodbye message seems like maybe a gentle version of "its not you, its me!"...and keeping the door open to chat about things you enjoyed might be him wanting to stay friends--that consolation prize that makes everyone feel better.
That said, its a big old world. He may well miss you, realize what he walked away from, get some distance in his thinking and reach out and want to try again. Meanwhile, you sound like you are in a healthy place --moving on as if it were over and appreciating what you had.
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Post by happyidiot on Apr 8, 2019 23:41:31 GMT
Not long at all. Only 2.5 months max everything included. But it was truly special. I have had many relationships before with many different types of men, even been married and divorced twice. Nothing felt like what we had. I take it was pretty strong for him too. But the short time isn't a good sign is it? It feels like there is so much more to explore... I don't think the short time period is a good sign as far as him coming back, but I honestly have no way to guess. I'm FA and I have also dated some men who are way more FA than me. I can't think of any times I have broken up with someone after that short of an amount of time and then gotten back together with them, and my FA ex who bolted after a few months together that I thought were very special never came back, and so far (it's been a few months) neither has my other more self-aware presumably-FA ex who I dated for a short yet intense time. He was a little like how you describe your ex, in that he knew he had attachment issues and said he that he needed to go work on himself by himself and that I was a good, nice person etc and that he didn't want to talk about the subject anymore. But who knows, it can happen. It sounds like deep down you know you aren't going to get the answer you seek, since as you said, we don't have crystal balls. Instead you will mostly get advice, and the advice will mostly say to move on. You should do things to help yourself move on regardless of whether or not you want to get back together. Then if he comes back, you can decide then if you want to restart things or not, but you won't have been putting your life on hold and agonizing over the best way to get him back in the meantime. He's leaving a door open because Basically he's telling you he wants a relationship w/you, but not as close or how you want it. Just to be clear, I'm assuming you mean small r "relationship" as in just simply having SOME kind of involvement with each other. This could be as limited as just sending each other memes or texts about interesting topics once in a while and never seeing each other. Also, he might just be being polite.
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hola
Junior Member
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Post by hola on Apr 9, 2019 0:40:36 GMT
I’m assuming you mean small r "relationship" as in just simply having SOME kind of involvement with each other. This could be as limited as just sending each other memes or texts about interesting topics once in a while and never seeing each other. Also, he might just be being polite. [/quote]
Yes, that’s what I meant
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Apr 9, 2019 0:40:51 GMT
I’m assuming you mean small r "relationship" as in just simply having SOME kind of involvement with each other. This could be as limited as just sending each other memes or texts about interesting topics once in a while and never seeing each other. Also, he might just be being polite. [/quote]
Yes, that’s what I meant
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 9, 2019 6:39:31 GMT
I dated a guy with FA tendencies and a few days after he broke up with me,he sent me a text message that he missed me and I was so hopeful that that meant he wanted to get back together...but in actuality...he only missed “hanging out” with me...as in he wanted to remain friends. I have had the hardest time moving on from him.....not even remotely close to thanking him for the breakup....but trying to find the strength to be friends. Sometimes I get mixed messages from him and then I just have to remember that it is my hope that is reading something into the situation. Good luck.
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candy
New Member
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Post by candy on Apr 9, 2019 10:10:03 GMT
Deleted for personal reasons
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candy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by candy on Apr 9, 2019 10:15:54 GMT
Deleted for personal reasons
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Post by chipper on Apr 12, 2019 3:42:10 GMT
I dated a guy with FA tendencies and a few days after he broke up with me,he sent me a text message that he missed me and I was so hopeful that that meant he wanted to get back together...but in actuality...he only missed “hanging out” with me...as in he wanted to remain friends. I have had the hardest time moving on from him.....not even remotely close to thanking him for the breakup....but trying to find the strength to be friends. Sometimes I get mixed messages from him and then I just have to remember that it is my hope that is reading something into the situation. Good luck. I had the same exact experience
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 12, 2019 14:09:27 GMT
candy I dated a guy for 2 months before he completely ghosted on me. Like you, i was very surprised because we had a completely different connection than any I had ever experienced. But I went NC and told myself if it was meant to be then he would be back. We ran into each other 4 months later (I’m honestly not sure if he would have come back on his own) and after very slow progress over the next months, we ended up in a relationship that would last another two years. But beware, after two years he broke up and came back another three more times in the last 6mo of the relationship. If he comes back, do yourself a favor to really talk to him about his reasons for leaving in the first place. Make sure he’s really done the work to sort out his mind and what he wants. If he’s just missing you but hasn’t decided to “choose” you, then It’s likely and even probable that he’ll do this again deeper into the relationship....when stronger feelings are there and it’s much more painful. I’m about 5mo post final breakup and it’s still very hard for me.
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candy
New Member
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Post by candy on Apr 13, 2019 13:21:07 GMT
Deleted for personal reasons
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