Post by leavethelighton on May 25, 2019 0:57:42 GMT
Also, I'm curious if anyone has had this experience-- I go back sometimes and read old emails I wrote, especially ones that preceded various endings, and the reality of what I wrote is so different from my memory of it. Like now I can see those emails have a certain anger, or neediness, that isn't how I remember them. I was attempting to communicate about a relationship and thought I was being honest or asking for communication, I thought I was attempting to build a bridge, but I did so in a way that was self defeating. In my memory, the other person left abruptly, or they didn't care enough to communicate and work through hard times, I saw them as the do-er who chose to walk away, and me as the one who was innocent or who did the majority of the trying or that I was the one who didn't give up-- but now when I look at those emails now I can see that the situation was more two-sided and that my communication style was unhealthy.
Alternatively, and this may be to compensate for those times, at other times the emails have a certain coldness or lack of emotion or attempt at projecting apathy that that was very much not what I was feeling, and I feel sad that I thought I had to pretend less than I felt out of a futile attempt to keep something going.
I guess my question is-- looking back from the perspectives you have now, how do you see things from your past (especially endings) as different from how you saw them at the time? How do you see who you were then as different than who you thought you were at the time?
I saw two things: (1) everything you said and (2) how my behavior/attitude now being different (and healthier, albeit harsher) from then, because I now enter a relationship with a different mindset, emotional states, and rules of engagement/dating.
I saw that in the past, I thought me being a good partner was about what I can bring to the table for the other person in terms of instrumental value, and so alot of it was trying to do stuff for the other person. I thought I was trying to contribute and be helpful, but now i see that it can come across as a power play, or condescending, or controlling.
I saw that in the past, being a good partner means me bringing value to the table, e.g., i'm young and attractive and sexual = you can feel good and also be proud to call me your partner, or I'm traditional and my priorities are family first = i am a good wife who cares about your family and puts you first. I used to see that as an indication of my worth (what I can do for you) and that I'm a good partner. Now i see that as me just not valuing myself more as a person, and that I define myself by what I can do for others. I still have the same thoughts, but my reliance on them to define my worth in a relationship is much less. more importantly, i saw that having a good partner starts first with me being a centered and stable person, which allows me to be a good partner, and in turn, attract AND keep a person who is a good partner FOR me. It's not necessarily the case that they're also secure from the get go (mine seems to be a healing avoidant but the work was done prior to me) - which is an important note because so many advice about dating for insecures is "find a secure". you can't "find" a secure, you have to BE (somewhat) secure to avoid insecurity and to recognise and maintain security.
I don't think i saw the endings differently, but i definitely saw the processes and myself differently now and then.