stacy
New Member
Posts: 1
|
Post by stacy on Oct 27, 2019 17:25:58 GMT
Is it possible to be mislabeled a certain attachment because of being in an unhealthy relationship? For instance one spouse declares themselves an anxious attachment. They have also been emotionally, financially and spiritually abusing their spouse for 25 years. They also declare their spouse is avoidant and the cause the relationship is falling apart.
I guess what I’m asking is do attachment styles trump behaviors when abuse is taking place in a relationship or is it healthy for a person to avoid the abusive spouse.
TIA
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 27, 2019 17:44:15 GMT
stacy, if something is solely attachment-style related, then the insecurely attached individual is acting out in unhealthy patterns regardless of what their partner is doing because they are projecting past trauma at an unconscious level onto their interactions in their relationship and practicing unhealthy defense mechanisms in a situation that doesn't present the same old threat. That trauma and behavior is unrelated to the present partner. Though if both partners are insecure, they can trigger each other and compound each of their individual issues. If an adult is being abused or mistreated by their partner, it is completely natural to back away from that to protect oneself, regardless of attachment style. However, the way in which that happens may manifest according to the abused person's general attachment style because of their different coping skills (or lack thereof). So an avoidantly insecure person may stay in the relationship but emotionally withdraw, an anxiously insecure person may blame themselves and try to work harder to be perfect and reconnect, a secure may be able to just leave. Whoever chooses to stay in that situation is very likely to end up learning to be in a fearful state of walking on eggshells constantly to avoid abusive episodes, and over time that trauma can actually change someone's attachment style to be more insecure and swing into a different insecure category. But if the person hasn't changed overall and is only responding to their partner in that way (and not projecting their fear of their partner and subsequent conditioning into other relationships and interactions with other people and distrusting others more overall), then it's not that their overall attachment style changed, it's that they are specifically insecurely attached to that abusive partner. At any rate, being with an abusive partner is a terrible thing for someone's psyche, no matter which attachment style they're starting out with, and if that situation can be safely escaped then it should be. Especially if it's causing negative changes to the person receiving abuse.
|
|
