Post by anne12 on Jan 25, 2020 19:48:57 GMT
What goes wrong for many is that they cannot say no to others, and therefore must say no to themselves. Not intentionally, but again more or less subconsciously. The autopilot takes over and says YES, before you even consider and notice. Afterwards, you are having difficulty undoing the YES. But then it is 100x harder to pull back and say no!
EXAMPLE Lisa's boyfriend asks her: Honey, do you want to attend a football match in the capital town on Sunday? Then we can spend the night with my parents from Saturday. Gert and Anna will also be joining us. Actually, Lisa had no desire at all, because she has been VERY busy with her work for a long time, and at the same time the children have been sick. Lisa has not slept well either. So while the kids were supposed to be with their dad for the weekend, yes, she had really been looking forward to a relaxed and quiet weekend with no plans, but with plenty of sleep-long-and-dangeling-around in-her morningrobe. But to her surprice, she hears herself say: Yes, it could be super nice, honey, I would love to.
Well, it could be nice - just not this weekend. And just not with Anna, because she always says a lot of negative about others. Afterwards, Lisa is unable to pull herself back and say No thanks. But instead she gets even more stressed and at the same time annoyed at herself for not saying thank you - but no thanks.
Lisa's autopilot is set to satisfy others - especially her boyfriend and children, but also the boss and the close family. It is typical of people with the ambivalent attachment form. THE secure attatchment: If Lisa had been more in the secure attatchment style, she would have given herself time to notice how she felt and then said: "Hmn, honey that sounds really nice. But as you know, I've had a slightly tough time at work and with my children's illness, so I need to completely relax this weekend and not have any pland at all. Maybe we can take such a trip when I have more time and energy again? "
PROBLEM
For EVERY time you can't say no where it would be best for you - YOU DO NOT say YES to YOURSELF!
Is it a problem?
Not if it happens from time to time.
But if it happens often, it drains your confidence. Self-confidence as in that you can trust that you will do what gives you a good life!
If it goes on, it also drains your self-worth. After all, self-worth is selfworth, and the autopilot doesn't seem to notise it when you ignore yourself over and over again!
It also brings you into the victim ROLE.
Like a puma in the dark, it will give you stress not to say no. More and more. And a day you have to throw in the towel. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety is consequence of long-term stress. And for some, that means they never get back to normal function.
It's Far from the good life ...
THE SOLUTION
This unconscious autopilot, or attachment pattern, which makes you say yes when you want to say NO, can to some extent be handled by training yourself to say no.
Ask yourself: If I say yes to this, what do I have to I say no to myself (and your loved ones)?
Whoever asks you, say: If you want an answer right away, it's a NO. But give me some time, then I have to find out if I can say yes. You will receive a response in the afternoon / tonight / tomorrow
If the ambivalent pattern has a good grip, it is not certain it is enough to get you out of the tendency to say YES to others and No to yourself.
Use
methods of generally landing the nervous system, for example, the water tank exercise
methods to get more into secure attachment ect.
We humans are herd animals, and the most important thing for us - at the instinctive level - is to be part of the herd and at the same time to have a love partner.
EXAMPLE Lisa's boyfriend asks her: Honey, do you want to attend a football match in the capital town on Sunday? Then we can spend the night with my parents from Saturday. Gert and Anna will also be joining us. Actually, Lisa had no desire at all, because she has been VERY busy with her work for a long time, and at the same time the children have been sick. Lisa has not slept well either. So while the kids were supposed to be with their dad for the weekend, yes, she had really been looking forward to a relaxed and quiet weekend with no plans, but with plenty of sleep-long-and-dangeling-around in-her morningrobe. But to her surprice, she hears herself say: Yes, it could be super nice, honey, I would love to.
Well, it could be nice - just not this weekend. And just not with Anna, because she always says a lot of negative about others. Afterwards, Lisa is unable to pull herself back and say No thanks. But instead she gets even more stressed and at the same time annoyed at herself for not saying thank you - but no thanks.
Lisa's autopilot is set to satisfy others - especially her boyfriend and children, but also the boss and the close family. It is typical of people with the ambivalent attachment form. THE secure attatchment: If Lisa had been more in the secure attatchment style, she would have given herself time to notice how she felt and then said: "Hmn, honey that sounds really nice. But as you know, I've had a slightly tough time at work and with my children's illness, so I need to completely relax this weekend and not have any pland at all. Maybe we can take such a trip when I have more time and energy again? "
PROBLEM
For EVERY time you can't say no where it would be best for you - YOU DO NOT say YES to YOURSELF!
Is it a problem?
Not if it happens from time to time.
But if it happens often, it drains your confidence. Self-confidence as in that you can trust that you will do what gives you a good life!
If it goes on, it also drains your self-worth. After all, self-worth is selfworth, and the autopilot doesn't seem to notise it when you ignore yourself over and over again!
It also brings you into the victim ROLE.
Like a puma in the dark, it will give you stress not to say no. More and more. And a day you have to throw in the towel. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety is consequence of long-term stress. And for some, that means they never get back to normal function.
It's Far from the good life ...
THE SOLUTION
This unconscious autopilot, or attachment pattern, which makes you say yes when you want to say NO, can to some extent be handled by training yourself to say no.
Ask yourself: If I say yes to this, what do I have to I say no to myself (and your loved ones)?
Whoever asks you, say: If you want an answer right away, it's a NO. But give me some time, then I have to find out if I can say yes. You will receive a response in the afternoon / tonight / tomorrow
If the ambivalent pattern has a good grip, it is not certain it is enough to get you out of the tendency to say YES to others and No to yourself.
Use
methods of generally landing the nervous system, for example, the water tank exercise
methods to get more into secure attachment ect.
We humans are herd animals, and the most important thing for us - at the instinctive level - is to be part of the herd and at the same time to have a love partner.