Processing parents never being interested

Increased avoidance is completely correlated with increased distrust of others. That can be a response to a break up for sure (people can become both more and less secure over life and switch overall styles as a result).

I wouldn't assume your friends are disappearing because you're "too much." It's far more likely they're insecure attachers themselves and also not coping well with (pandemic) stress and only thinking about what's easiest for themselves. That's just what insecure style people are bound to do when facing stress, it's part of the set of defense mechanisms.

I was friends with an FA woman who I introduced to attachment theory. She really dove in, said it was changing her life, became a way less flakey and better friend to me.

For a year. Then the last 2 years, gone. I think there's a good possibility she got tired of the back and forth as that's when I was reconciling with my FA ex. But she never said a word about it, nor took a breather for some space and boundary improvement and came back later. So I don't know for sure and wrote it off as she's FA with her own issues and something happened on her end, maybe related to me, maybe not, but I decided I didn't want to fix it just to keep around an unreliable friend.

A DA friend of a LONG time did the same. But eventually she betrayed me in an objectively really $hitty way and said, for 2 years I've been mad at you about this other petty thing and gave you hints but you never went away so I thought I'd teach you a lesson. And again, it's the same thing. Communicate, why would I assume you were dropping hints with the worst intentions after 15 years? Same conclusion though -- you have your own issues, we have some dynamic personality clashing, but do I choose to keep engaging?

Not after I learned I can't trust you, because you've shown me that.

But these are my decisions once I have enough information. Staying angry and resentful does me no good. They have some valid points about me not being perfect but ultimately they showed I can't rely on them. But as long as I can rely on and accept myself and know there's other good people out there, it's okay, we'll all move on.

Feeling angry for a little while is good. It's a processing stage that's exceptionally difficult for APs. But to mrob 's point, holding on to it instead of just doing boundary management once you learn about other peoples' limitations internalizes their problems and hurts yourself.

There's a difference between improving your boundaries and sliding more avoidant. I think you're at a point where you need to choose which path you're going to take. You're onto something core and important that's radiating out about how your parents conditioned you. And I think you found the crux of unconsciously developing that AP style in response. But now what are you going to do about it? Let them define you? Project that broken trust? Or find the strength to define and validate yourself no matter what they tried to dump on you because of whatever generational trauma they had heaped on them?

It's also okay to mourn not having and likely never having a good relationship with them as part of this processing... and getting angry and sad about that, too. But you still get to ultimately choose how you want to reshape your narrative as an adult.

Walking away from an unhealthy relationship is not betraying the other person, it is an act of NOT betraying yourself.

caro
You can check this thread out if you are HSP. Maybe you have seen it already?
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2359/hsp-attatchmentstyles-males-females

You can have HSP and trauma/insecure attatchment style at the same time.

Besides that I find SE really helpfull - working with the instinktive level before anything else.