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Post by tnr9 on Jul 8, 2021 2:33:47 GMT
I guess all those questions I stated were all things I’ve discovered answers to, reading other people’s stories. The one question that I do have about my story was, on the night she broke up, was it all predetermined? Did she know that she was going to do it? That’s why she wanted to run all over town before the dinner party(making time), her daughter also conveniently left after the party was over so we could be alone …..to lower the axe. After 19 months together all she could give me was to chase me out of her house with no shirt on carrying my shoes? It’s just really dishearting and it feels so unloving and disrespectful. It hurts really bad to give too much, and blame yourself for giving too much. Hi and welcome…She sounds more FA then DA just based on what I am reading. Honestly, I can’t tell based on what you have written whether she had planned to break up with you that day or whether it was a spontaneous outcome of being drunk. One thing that is clear is that she was not in a good place at all…and who knows, maybe because it was her birthday, there were things that bothered her that had nothing to do with you. Giving too much is really not a good thing….it means allowing an imbalance to occur. The way to correct the imbalance is not by saying…you do not give enough but to ask, why do I feel a need to overgive? What in my own background do I need to work on so that I can allow equal giving and receiving…and when I see my needs are not being met, have the courage to walk away. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 8, 2021 14:17:24 GMT
I also think it important to take comments from the perspective of growth opportunities and not blame. People on this site have been when you are and as such, we are merely trying to provide insight from our own insecure relationships. One thing that really helped when I was gyrating on what if’s and if only or trying to decipher something B said or did was to say out loud…the story in my head is…..that way, it becomes less personal and opens up opportunities for that particular story to be incorrect. The reality is you won’t ever truly know the “whys” for her behaviors and actions…..you can only really process your own reactions and behaviors.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 8, 2021 21:10:07 GMT
Hi and welcome…She sounds more FA then DA just based on what I am reading. Honestly, I can’t tell based on what you have written whether she had planned to break up with you that day or whether it was a spontaneous outcome of being drunk. One thing that is clear is that she was not in a good place at all…and who knows, maybe because it was her birthday, there were things that bothered her that had nothing to do with you. Giving too much is really not a good thing….it means allowing an imbalance to occur. The way to correct the imbalance is not by saying…you do not give enough but to ask, why do I feel a need to overgive? What in my own background do I need to work on so that I can allow equal giving and receiving…and when I see my needs are not being met, have the courage to walk away. Thanks for your reply and words of encouragement. I agree that the action of overgiving begs the question of, what are you trying to make up for? Also I appreciate that you pointed out that the woman I dated from the past might have be an FA vs. a DA. She has a huge heart and I know how deeply she can care for the people that she loves. I will take your advice, and work on myself, and try to leave behind any resentment and confusion as to how/why she felt the way she did when she chased me from her home. That really is the best course of action….my therapist always says the best revenge is to have a happy, fulfilled life…and I believe that truly is possible when the focus changes from what about her to what about me. I have found that being curious is the best non threatening way to look into my behavior…otherwise, it can feel too much like fault finding. I find I do best by being my own advocate and viewing mistakes as opportunities to grow versus failures. You are more then welcome to read over my history here and how I struggled for years to let B go. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 10, 2021 4:51:49 GMT
I’m not sure how people on this site to feel but my experience is that I feel shamed by the fact that I loved someone that’s not for. Thanks for that insight I’m good being alone with my struggles. Have you discussed this feeling of shame with your therapist? A break up does not define who you are… |
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