An introduction and being vulnerable about be an AP

Jealousy...gosh I wish I did not have to own this one. Because I was so insecure about myself...because I did not feel like I was enough all on my own...I was constantly mentally putting him with other girls that were prettier, more independent, more chill etc. I never told him about this...but I did confess to one girl that I was jealous of her. I had suspected he liked her and that suspicion would grow to full blown paranoia. If I saw that they were on IM around the same time...the story in my head was that they were talking...not that they just happened to be on IM at the same time. I would have images of them together..of him choosing her over me. And unfortunately this happened with several girls. I am not at all proud of this...but I have to own it for what it was.

The space between....silence was the worst thing...to me it meant something was wrong...and more to the point...something was wrong with me. Why be silent if you are enjoying being with someone. But what I failed to appreciate is that some people like silence. Silence to them isn't threatening and it doesn't mean they don't want to be with you....but that isn't how it was for me. Same thing with time apart....warning bells would go off any time there was a lot of time apart. I did not see it as a natural part of being in a relationship. To me it felt like he was choosing others over me. That I had messed something up and he wanted to be away from me as a punishment for whatever I did wrong.

Those were the key things I could speak to for right now. I know there are other coping strategies....other fears.....but I am a bit drained from even putting what I just wrote out there. I truly hope this provides a bit of insight into my attachment style. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Thank you Jaeger..it really did...I thought I could walk away from this post and then another thought came over me. I really dislike talking about myself....if someone wanted to talk to me about the relationship with my ex...I could definitely talk longer and if someone just wanted to hear about my ex...well...I could talk for hours.

It is as if my brain wants to sabotage any effort I want to make to be secure....because my thought unconsciously go to him. There is something incredibly soothing about thinking about him 24/7 at the same time as it is extremely saddening that he and I are no longer dating.

Earlier today I sent him a text..and like clockwork.....an hour after it was sent I started to feel panic...I started to go down a familiar story of him with someone else or him being angry at me..it wasn't something I could stop. The moment he replied...everything was ok again. I will admit I read and reread that very generic 1 line reply...looking for any sign of hope...it wasn't there...but like an addict..I am milking that 1 line for as long as I can. I will admit that sometimes I wish I could taste what being an avoidant is like...to be able to separate out your emotions and not be on high alert constantly. To be independent and be able to act so chill and in control. At times it seems so appealing compared to constant worry, fears, thoughts and emotions that just don't simmer down.

I am grateful to be able to share....sometimes it feels so very isolating.

So again...I was thinking about the strong attachment to one person and why taking things slowly has been impossible for me. For me....it isn't a choice. The moment my attachment system is turned on as a result of some deep rooted connection the guy stirs up on me (that I tend to label as attraction....but is way, way more than that) I am seeking proximity/comfort and validation from him. Only, he doesn't know that because it isn't something I share due to fear of abandonment and also, I tend not to realize it is happening for a bit. It is compulsive....the best way I can describe that initial spark is that it is an immediate infatuation with a background tape of "he is the one". I honestly cannot provide anything more specific...but it is tiring to be at the whim of the attachment system. The desired guy oftentimes is completely clueless that my flirting and attention isn't just being cutesy....it is now game on...I am locked and loaded and no other guy is going to seem remotely attractive in comparison.

Just as an example....4 years ago, I went with a friend to visit a different church she was interested in attended. The leader of the singles community greeted us in a warm and welcolming way. Guess what happened? My attachment system turned on and for the next 2 years I was completely obsessed with him. I tried so very hard to get him to notice me...I don't think he had a clue...but every interection was scrutinized and there were so many nights where I would be alone dwelling on what had happened, what did not happen and trying to figure him out so that he would like me. I was hyper focused to the point that if he was also nice to someone else (which he was with all the women in the group) my jealousy would start pairing him up with them. In fact, I was utterly convinced he liked one girl in particuliar so I became friends with her. As it turned out...he actually liked someone else. When he started dating the girl he actually liked..that was just proof that I wasn't enough because if I had been enough, he would have chosen me. What made it especially painful was that he was very nice and expressed care about me...but the walls...ooooh....I could feel the walls he had put up a mile away. I only fully let him go when I fell for my ex.

My ex had been coming to church for 5 months before my attachment system focused on him. Initially I got the impression he liked me because he complemented me, chose to sit next to me and there was....this feeling that he liked me. Initially I was a bit aloof, trying to play things casual....so I would sit on the opposite side from where he sat...it was a game at first...but one night...as I was leaving....bam...it hit me. And it stopped being fun and flirty and it started to be all about winning him. Literally in one night. My journals from that time are full of my attempts to get him to notice me. We would sit together and afterwards..I would review our banter...did I say the right things? What did it mean when he hugged that other girl? Is he interested in her? My attachment system was running the show again.

Something that I think would be beneficial for DAs to understand..at least about my particuliar flavor of AP is that once the attachment system is activated...alarm bells go off....there is all of a sudden urgency to secure the source of that attachment. I am no longer able to just relax into things or take them slowly...in fact, I start planning how I am going to prove just how worthy I am. It isn't a choice now....all my thoughts are centered on him and my opinion of myself is now linked to my interections with him. Meanwhile...I am looking for signs he may be into someone more worthy than me....I am putting in extra effort to learn everything I can about him...I am looking up "what does sitting in a four square position mean" (yes, I honestly did that). I made him a CD, then I dwelled on whether I put the right songs on it.....I gave him notes, telling him how much I appreciated his friendship and all th positive traits I saw in him...then I swirled about whether I had revealed too much and whether he would be turned off by something I said. I gyrated for days on small things...looking for signs that he either liked me or someone else. When we first started dating I said "I love you"... yes...on day 1. But that is because I had felt this overwhelmimng connection to him for 4 months when we were still "friends". I was all in....he was still dipping his toe in the water. He had no idea that I had spent months trying to figure him out...and now the focus was...how to keep him happy....so I looked up articles on what do men need, how do men feel appreciated, how do men feel loved, how do men feel respected, why do men need space etc etc. I thought if I could just be that girl..the one who gives him everything he wants and needs...he won't want to leave. But in the background...always in the background was this fear he would get bored, that I wasn't enough and that he would ultimately reject and abandon me. I would feel secure when we were together...our times were for the most part fun. My hightened attachment style meant that I was very in the moment with him. It was when he left that all the doubts would come flooding in and the alarm bells would go off again. Self soothing is an amazing concept.....the reality of which is foreign to me. I can't self sooth so the only way the alarm bells stop warning me " Danger, danger" is when I either hear from him or am with him. So then I become needy...I am seeking reassurance because the alarm bells don't turn off with anyone else...not friends, not family, not a well meaning stranger.....only him. And it stinks....because I can't stop it.

The week before he broke up with me I had a nervous breakdown...not in front of him...but in front of friends. They suggested that I should ask for a break....some time apart.....but I couldn't even broach that topic....what if he found someone else more appealing during our time apart? But I was giving out of fumes...everything by then had become so personal.....I did not know how to stop thinking he was disappointed in me, that he wanted someone more chill, less intense. I couldn't see a solution. I blamed the breakup on my inability to meet his needs....and I started to go into "if only" mode. It has been almost 9 months since he broke up with me and a part of me still wants to win him back...still thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. So this is a daily struggle between accepting reality and still hoping he will return.  

Honestly...sometimes it all feels too much....but this is who I am and I am learning to have great compassion for myself.  This isn't something I chose.....there is a reason I act and react the way I do.  Acceptance is slow.....but accepting myself in a way that my parents couldn't is how I am healing.

Great question.....for me....I could sometimes, temporarily talk myself down off the edge by saying....my abandonment story is telling me (list thought, image, feeling) and I could get temporary relief from friends.  

But imagine if you will a boiling kettle....the whistle is going off telling you that the water is done boiling.  How long can you ignore it?  That urgency is how the attachment system feels to me when activated.  I have journal entries where I tried to use reason, I tried to use distractions and yes....I called friends...but that sense that something is wrong, something needs attention....just continues escalating in the background.  The worst times were when he did not contact me for several days....one time it was snowing outside.  I sent a text...no response...called 3 friends...2 guys...one said he was likely busy...the other one said it was completely understandable that I reached out and that he would have responded promptly to let the other person know he was safe.  I waited.....8 hrs later...I left a cutesy phone message.....I tried to sooth my growing concerns by reminding myself that the phone did ring 3 times and he did not purposely send me to voicemail.  The next afternoon....he sent a text as if nothing was wrong.  It was a total of 4 days before I heard from him.  I was exhausted.....all the escalating thoughts, images of him stuck somewhere...had drained me.  I am not saying my panic was in any way justified or blaming him for not responding to my text and phone message immediately....I am just stating that once the attachment system is activated....it causes a lot of distress and is not easily soothed until contact with the attachment person is reestablished.  Again....the desire for closeness, the need for reassurance....this is all tied to calming the attachment system for me.  

I've read that  thinking of a role model or mentor that supported you in the past is a good mental exercise. For example, my AP friend would think of a memory he had of his grandfather encouraging him to do something he was afraid of as a small child.  Recalling his grandfathers gentle warm, and reassurance made him calm down so he could think more clearly.  I think identifying a memory like that, and practicing recalling it in stressful times might be helpful.

As a DA, when I'm on the verge of losing my shit, I think about all the times I've faced adversity and come out on top. I've learned to self soothe so I can just look inward to stay calm. Now, when I'm in a situation where I feel that I'm being controlled, someone has ulterior motives, or that someone is trying to manipulate me, I do a similar exercise where I think of a friend that I KNOW, always had my best interests at heart. I try to remember their demeanor, genuine acceptance of who I am, and how they've supported me to do the things I want to do. This usually helps me put aside feelings of avoidance and leaves me open to meeting more people like them. 

Unfortunately, I still haven't had an experience like that in romantic relationships, so it's not a complete fix, but I'm getting there.

I do these same exact things and I am trying so hard to overcome them. I often wonder why she likes other guys pictures and not mine. Its very frustrating, but try to keep it at bay. I know I shouldnt worry, but I do. Its my nature. Any tips?